No, I'm not going to record my friend reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears stop emailing me about it. Also, I apologize for the lack of hilarity in this chapter (shifty-eyed look).

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping
by Kaori

"Ah! What a glorious day to be alive!" sighed Gai, as he stretched outside of his tent. Today the jounins and the twelve disciples (man do I love calling them that) were going swimming.

Once again they had to march to their destination and once again (because the author loves writing song parodies) they were singing.

"As we march to a tributary,
We have some crazy folks in tow." Sang Chouji.

"As we march to a tributary,
With the weirdoes that we know." Ino chimed in.

"Gai-sensei's a fairy." Kiba grinned.

"Kakashi is a perv." TenTen nodded.

"Asuma smells like an ashtray." Added Naruto.

"And they get on Kurenai's nerves." They all chorused.

"Why is it that they only sing insulting things." Muttered Asuma.

"Get over it, you used to do the same thing." Kakashi said. "And I seem to remember the stuff you came up with being far worse."

"You mean the one about Raido and the…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Kurenai yelled.

"Oh come on, that one is mild compared to the one about salamanders and…"

"I said I didn't want to hear it!"

"What I don't understand is why they keep singing that we're going to a tributary when we're going to a lake." Gai muttered.

Back to the teenagers…

"Gai-sensei is not a fairy!" Lee protested hotly. "Why must you sing such awful things?"

"It's the only thing that rhymes with tributary that makes sense." Said Sasuke. "I don't hear Neji and TenTen disagreeing."

"Neji, TenTen! Stand up for Gai-sensei!"

"But Lee, you're doing such a good job all on your own." Neji said mildly.

"When Sasuke sees me in my swimsuit he will be mesmerized by my infinite beauty." Sighed Ino.

"Dream on." Snorted Sakura. "All he'll notice is how big your thighs are, be instantly repulsed by you and leap into my arms for comfort."

"Now who's dreaming? I'll bet Sasuke is repulsed by the size of your forehead every day!"

"There they go again." Sighed Shikamaru. "It's so troublesome."

"Look at it this way, if they're too busy yelling at each other they can't yell at us." Said Chouji.

"Good point."

The lake was a beautiful azure. Light glistened off of its surface like a high-polished jewel. The campers stared at the pristine magnificence before Gai had to ruin the moment by bellowing "Last one in has to hunt dinner!" before using Quick Change no Jutsu to switch into a Speedo (MY EYES! THEY BURN!) and rushing towards the lake.

Still in shock from the horror of Maito Gai in a Speedo the others could only watch as he dove into the water, only to come flying back out when an alligator almost snapped his legs off. Neji cursed under his breath.

"It would appear," Kakashi said blandly. "that the first one in almost became dinner."

"Gai-sensei are you okay?" wailed Lee.

"I am fine Lee." Gai assured his student. "Although it would have been nice to have some warning that this lake is infested with alligators." The Hyuuga prodigy twitched and cast a furtive glance at the "Beware of Alligators" sign he was standing in front of.

"Well it looks like we can't go swimming, but we can still have fun, right?" said Kurenai. As if to answer her question there was a rumble of thunder. The assembled ninjas looked at each other and it started to rain. "Kakashi, if you would…"

"Of course." Sasuke watched as Kakashi made the handseals and then. "Pre-Assembled Shelter no Jutsu!" Somewhere in Snow Country, a Stone jounin is wondering what happened to the cabin he was staying in.

"The jutsu creates buildings out of thin air?" Sasuke was amazed.

"No, it takes them from somewhere else." Kakashi replied. "Think of it like a summoning."

"My rival how can you go about stealing other people's houses?" demanded Gai.

"I'm not stealing, I'm borrowing with no intention of returning."

After exploring the cabin and finding only canned pork and beans (what is it with me and pork and beans?) and a deck of cards, the ninjas settled down for a rousing game of Suna Tanuki Procreation.

For those of you who are curious, this has the same rules as Egyptian Ratscrew with the only differences being that you bury the cards instead of burning them if you slap triple six, and hovering your hand above the pile of cards will get it pinned to the table with a kunai if you're not quick. Everything else is the same, including the tendency for the game to get out of hand.

Oh it had started out normal enough (if you don't count Gai and Kakashi doing the rivalry shtick) but when Akamaru slapped a pair of Jacks and entered the game things started to get decidedly more…interesting.

Shikamaru kept using Kagemane no Jutsu to keep people from slapping pairs before he could whenever the pile got large enough that he would be close to winning. Naruto would steal from Shikamaru's pile when the chuunin wasn't looking and Kakashi would in turn steal cards from Naruto. Neji got fed up with Shikamaru and closed the tenketsu on the shadow user's arms and then enjoyed himself a little too much "accidentally" slapping other people's hands when they went to slap the pile. Sasuke soon got tired of this and the two got into a fight. Kiba found the fight more interesting than the card game and kept egging them on.

It wasn't long before Naruto noticed Kakashi was stealing cards from him and used Oiroke no Jutsu in retaliation causing every male in the room with the exception of Neji, Sasuke, and Kiba (who were preoccupied) to pass out from explosive blood loss. The women, annoyed, beat the crap out of Naruto. Well, except Hinata and Kurenai who quietly started a game of Hokage (the Konoha equivalent of Rich Man, Poor Man) with Akamaru.

It was three hours before it finally stopped raining and they all made the trek back to camp only to find…

Find what? Find what? You frantically cry! Well you'll have to wait to find out. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Season's Greetings to all!