Chapter 37 - Soliloquies

Under a sturdy palm tree, Rikku rested. With her feet propped up on a rock, she relished a chance to be shaded from the hardships which plagued her for so long. The gentle breeze set easy the woes of life if for but an ephemeral minute. It was only mere weeks ago did her cousin and closest friend died at her own hands. Since then, Rikku had not had the chance nor the energy to exert on understanding what led to Yuna's end. The pandemonium between Maester Kinoc's attack on Bevelle and the grand funeral left no time to reflect on what happened, let alone act upon it.

At this moment, Rikku understood why her cousin loved her home on Besaid. Rikku could sit forever, quietly watching the crystal blue ocean waves roll against the beach.

A trio of plump seagulls emerged from a tree, attracting her attention for a moment. She smiled, remembering the Gullwings flying around on all sorts of wild adventures. Paine stood beside her, gazing sadly into the clear horizon. The waves lapped cautiously over the sandy beach. Rikku caught a glimpse of Paine looking back at her.

"You know Rikku," wondered Paine out loud. "Where could they be?"

Rikku shot her a curious look. "Huh? Who do you mean?"

"The leaders of Spira's factions. Gippal, Nooj, and Baralai. What do you think happened to them?"

Rikku rested her chin on her knees. "I wish I knew. We haven't seen them for a while now I guess. Not since the time we went underneath the temple in Bevelle."

Rikku often pondered the same thought Paine spoke of. The leaders' abandonment led to an escalation in tension between the factions, creating a wider rift in Spira than ever before. Baralai and Nooj disappeared when she hurt herself in the underground installation below the temple. The whereabouts of Gippal, whom she hadn't seen nor heard from since he vanished without a trace from Djose, held more pertinence to her. The night before his disappearance, he had kissed her on the bridge. She still remembered the soft touch of his lips against hers. The sweet smell of his breath tickled her neck as they stood so close together.

Every time she closed her eyes, Rikku could almost taste his sweet caress. The pressure of his fingertips against her skin mesmerized her. Those nights when she felt most alone, especially when Yuna fell into her worst depressive episodes, memories of those brief moments with Gippal provided her with some comfort.

Sighing to herself, she bit her lip in an attempt to untie the knot tightening inside her chest. It perplexed her to acknowledge that so many of those she loved and cherished had left her—all after Sin's defeat. Thinking back, she always feared it would be Sin that took away those she adored. Whether it was Yuna's final summoning or Sin's grasp over her father's airship, she would never have imagined that so much pain would wallow in her after they defeated what was to be Spira's ultimate punishment.

"Hey Paine, do you believe it's true what Maechen said at Yuna's funeral?" Rikku blurted out after reflecting silently.

Paine hesitated to answer for a moment. "Oh, I honestly don't know. It sounds farfetched."

Rikku nodded. "I think so, too. But Yuna was in a really bad place. Really, really bad."

"Yeah," replied Paine. "Yeah, she was."

Rikku looked up at her friend who blankly stared off into the distance. No tears fells from Paine's face; her mouth formed no frown. She stood, stoic as always, with her arms folded staring out into the horizon. Watching her intently, Rikku held her breath, waiting for some kind of emotion to express itself. She watched as Paine's unflinching red eyes focused out on the rolling waves.

"Hey, Paine. Will we stay together?" spoke Rikku, breaking the silence.

At this question, Paine blinked and looked down at Rikku. "Of course, we will. There's still plenty of spheres out there to find, right?"

Rikku smiled faintly. "That's right."

Dark pillars of clouds approached from the distance. Faint flashes of light followed by low rumblings signaled a storm front approaching. Rushing winds replaced the calm breeze, kicking up sand and leaves around Rikku and Paine.

"So much for a nice day at the beach," Rikku complained.

Paine placed her hands on her hips, glaring at the dark clouds rolling across the sky toward them. "We better get back to the village before this storm hits us. I have a feeling we aren't going to be that lucky."

Sprinting across the jungle, Rikku covered her head in an attempt to block the downpour raining from the sky. It did little to keep her from getting soaked. As she and Paine entered the village, she spotted Lulu staring up at the rain-filled sky. Her arms were wrapped around her body. Although Lulu did not see firsthand the trials Yuna succumbed to during the Gullwing's journeys, Rikku knew how much Lulu cherished her.

Lulu showed Rikku kindness when she joined as Yuna's guardian. Back then, Wakka harbored a deep-seated resentment towards the Al Bhed. Although it would have been understandable for Lulu to hold the same disdain, she didn't. Rikku always appreciated that. Through the rainfall and lightning, Rikku could see the sadness in Lulu's eyes. Not even flinching when Paine ran past her and into the hut, Lulu continued to stare up into the storm.

Grabbing Lulu by the arm, Rikku hollered, "Hey! You'll get sick if you stand out in this rain."

Not replying a word, Lulu looked at Rikku's hand holding her arm and nodded. The two women, drenched with rain, entered the hut. Rikku shook her head like a wet dog to flick off the soaking rain on her hair.

"I'm glad someone finally got her to come inside," Wakka barked while handing a towel to Paine.

Lulu rolled her eyes. "A little rain isn't going to do me in."

"I'm not just worried about you. You got a little one in there to think about, too," he said, pointing to Lulu's bulging stomach.

Rikku's chest tightened from the tension she could feel permeate from both Lulu and Wakka. She watched as Lulu offered no response to her husband outside of a terse grunt. Looking over to Wakka, Rikku mouthed to him if it was alright for them to stay. Much to her relief, he simply nodded back with a smile.

Few words were spoken while Rikku helped Wakka prepare dinner. Peeking over at Lulu whenever she could, Rikku noticed her meticulously organizing a stack of blankets and clothing inside a wicker bassinet. Forgotten amongst the recent tragedy that befell them, the birth of Lulu and Wakka's child would soon come. Rikku longed to be a part of a happy event.

The storm passed overhead while everyone ate dinner. By the time the rain had stopped and the thunder was but low drumming in the distance, night had fallen. Lulu stepped outside, quietly followed by Wakka. Rikku glanced over at Paine, who sat with her eyes closed while resting her supper. Softly tip-toeing towards the entrance, she leaned her head ever so slightly out. Lulu and Wakka stood only a few feet away.

Lulu stared coldly into the night sky. A few stars twinkled, and the moon shone down its pure white light onto the land below. Wakka used his sandals to play with a puddle on the ground for a few moments. He ran his hand through his reddish hair again and again before collecting himself enough to approach his wife.

Putting his arm around Lulu, he spoke, "Hey Lu, it's getting late. You need to get your rest for the little guy, ya?"

She looked at him, then rubbed her face against the rough stubble on his cheeks. "I know. I just needed a moment of fresh air."

"You're putting too much of this on yourself still."

"I can't help it!" she growled, raising her voice. "How can you?"

"This is hard for me too, ya know? She was like family to me just like you!" Wakka raised his arms in the air like he was about to scream.

Instead, he grumbled something under his breath and stomped off towards the outskirts of town. Shaking her head, Lulu sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose between her fingers. Then she gave her home's entranceway a sidelong glance.

"You don't have to hide in there, Rikku," she declared.

Yelping out loud, Rikku crawled out of the hut. "Oh, sorry. I wasn't trying to pry."

"It's alright, Rikku. You don't have to apologize."

Rikku rubbed the back of her head. "Are you two going to be—"

"We'll be fine," interrupted Lulu.

Looking at the ground, Rikku returned a feeble nod. Walking over to Rikku, Lulu grabbed her gently by the arm, raising her to her feet.

"Seeing as my husband stormed off, I need someone else to go on a walk with tonight. Care to join me?"

"Of course, I would." Rikku smiled.

The villagers readied themselves for slumber. Lulu waved good night to those still milling about. The cool, damp air carried the smell of ocean salt across the path up to the Promontory. Rikku found it hard to see where they walked, as little light cast down from above. Although the storm had passed, a thick blanket of clouds remained to cover the night sky.

Lulu came to a stop at the top of the hill, standing before the altar. She unconsciously rubbed her bulging belly while whispering to herself. A few steps behind Lulu, Rikku quietly shuffled up beside her. Her ears caught a sliver of Lulu's comforting words she spoke to the baby inside of her.

"I remember when we were first to set out on Yuna's pilgrimage," Lulu said abruptly. "We stopped her to pray."

Not saying a word, Rikku took a moment to further inspect the shrine, a vestige to the Yevon faith. She cared not to give the stone pillar any reverence, for Yevon and its lies only inflicted pain on those she cared about throughout her life.

Lulu put her hand on Rikku's shoulder. "This was before you joined us of course. There was so much uncertainty then."

Rikku turned her head to look at Lulu. "Do you think Yuna truly wanted to go?"

"Yes, at that time she was entirely certain of her path," Lulu answered. "Well, and it helped to have a certain stranger pray with her as well. Awkward as he may have been."

"Do you mean Tidus?" asked Rikku.

Lulu chuckled softly. "Yes."

"Through it all, he truly was her lifeline," Rikku noted.

Folding her arms together, Lulu let out a long sigh. "I don't know everything about your adventures, but I do know she thought she had a way to bring him back again. Did that prove to be false in the end?"

Rikku shook her head. "We never found out one way or the other."

"So it was still a possibility."

"It was I suppose," replied Rikku. "Why do you ask?"

Lulu tilted her head up to gaze at the clouds above. "I've been trying to understand why Yuna would do . . . what she did. She developed such resolve during her journey to defeat Sin. I know losing Tidus was hard on her. Still, she had grown into a strong and steadfast young woman."

Rikku frowned and put her arms behind her back. "I don't know if anyone will be able to understand why. We tried to help, but whatever darkness she faced, she did so silently. I feel like I failed her."

Wiping away a tear forming in her eye, Rikku began to sniffle. Glancing over, Lulu's expression mirrored her own misery. Putting her arm around Lulu, Rikku shed a tear together with her.

Lulu whispered, "I feel like I failed her as well. The last time we talked, just the two of us, I told her not to concern herself with saving all of Spira again. I thought it was enough to see her spread her wings. I didn't see all the anguish below the surface."

Rikku laid her head against Lulu's shoulder. "None of us could."

For a long time, Rikku stood next to Lulu in silence. She stared at the rocky shrine, replaying in her mind all the times she tried to penetrate the walls of the emotional fortress Yuna constructed around herself. Lulu began to run her fingers through Rikku's hair. Like the times Yuna herself would run her fingers through Rikku's hair to give her comfort, the ticklish sensation calmed her down. After a heavy sigh, Rikku stepped away from Lulu.

"It's getting late. You have two to rest for now," stated Rikku.

Nodding to Rikku, Lulu followed her back into the village. All the lights were out by this time, except for Lulu's hut.

"I see someone is waiting up for us," said Lulu with a grin.

Before Rikku could enter the hut behind Lulu, she heard a noise behind her. Turning around, she squinted, making out Wakka's shadowy form waving to her from the other end of the village. He partially hid behind another hut. Noticing Lulu did not hear him, Rikku inconspicuously scampered over to him.

"Why are you hiding over here?" she asked him.

"Shh! Not so loud." Wakka stuck his head out to look around.

"Okay, okay," whispered Rikku. "So why are you over here lurking in the shadows like a big creep?"

Wakka sighed. "I don't even know myself. Kinda afraid to go back home I guess."

"Are you still mad at Lulu?" Rikku crossed her arms.

"No, that ain't it." Wakka shook his head. "More mad at myself."

"Because of your fight?"

"No, because I just don't know how to talk to Lu about this."

Rikku dipped her head. "About what happened to Yuna?"

Wakka threw his arms up into the air. "Like we cared so much about Yuna. She was like our little sister, ya? And now she's gone. Now she'll never get to meet our kid."

"It's tough for all of us," voiced Rikku calmly. "Lulu can't wrap her head around it any more than you or I can. Just . . . you gotta be there for Lulu. That's what she needs the most right now. The words don't matter."

Halting his flailing immediately, Wakka rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. This kinda stuff just ain't my strong suit."

Through the shade of night, Rikku grinned at Wakka. "You're not alone, tubby. We all just have to stick together."

Nodding his head in approval, Wakka marched confidently across the village and entered his home. Rikku hesitated to follow directly behind Wakka. Taking some time for herself, she paced up toward the steps of the temple. Even while cloaked in darkness, the arches holding up the entrance structure made Rikku feel small. The doors to the temple were shut, but torches on either side still burned, shining a dim light.

Though she had not the opportunity to protect Yuna at this early stage of her pilgrimage, Rikku understood the importance of this stone structure to her cousin, even if it stood as a symbol against her people. Yuna nearly died preventing it from being burned to the ground. Picturing in her mind her cousin slumped on the floor nearing death in the Chamber of the Fayth inside, Rikku felt her stomach churn. All the pain that fueled the turmoil within Yuna started here.

With her body shaking, Rikku clutched her hands into fists. "Damn you, Kinoc."

Before she lost control of herself, Rikku spun around and stomped back to the village. By the time she entered Lulu and Wakka's hut, they slept soundly in bed. Curled up in a large woolen blanket, Paine appeared to have been slumbering for quite some time. A single candle next to her mat emitted the only light in the room. She blew out the candle, dimming out the remaining light in the room. Stretching her arms up wide, Rikku yawned and crawled onto a mat on the ground prepared for her.

She rolled around on the mat for a few minutes, trying to find a comfortable position to lie in. Although she didn't have to sleep directly on the floor this time around, she wasn't much above it. Rolling onto her back, she blew out some air from her lips and stared blankly at the ceiling. Rikku moved her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes. As she had every night since Yuna's suicide, she tried to make sense of everything that had happened.

It was no more than a few weeks ago, she knew, that her cousin dwelt right next to her. Already it seemed like an eternity passed since Yuna died. The emptiness left in her wake sprouted like a weed, shading out the bright flower she remembered Yuna to be. Rikku listened in her mind for Yuna's voice. To hear it again, even if it was imaginary, warmed her aching heart.

Yet the sensation would never be a worthy substitute for the real, living Yuna. The twinkle of her green and blue eyes had always held the magic of silent strength. From Sin and beyond she had seen it in action. Yuna stood as the citadel the world sought protection in against the eternal struggle with the sins of its past.

Rikku leaned her head on her arm and began to think of what the Gullwings would do now. It was no secret or surprise that this sudden tragedy left them devastated. Rikku wondered if they would stick together. The heart of the group dropped to rock bottom, and no one felt like sphere hunting. Brother, in one of his finest moments, suggested they stay in Besaid until they were able to make a sensible and clear-headed decision.

Rikku had talked to her brother earlier in the day. He was in the same mood as she—numb. Buddy fared no better; Shinra just felt overwhelmed, but still wanted to hunt for spheres. Buddy felt unsure, although he didn't want to break from the group if nobody else did. The thought of parting ways with Buddy and her brother hurt enough but losing Paine scared her even more. The two had gotten closer in recent times, both in attempting to help Yuna and after her cousin's death. Paine had tried her best to take care of Rikku as Yuna would. Although it was not the same, she still felt a glimmer of the heartfelt love she shared with her cousin from Paine.

If the Gullwings did break up, she at least wanted to continue traveling with Paine. She knew Paine wouldn't quit sphere hunting. The thought of a duo act still made Rikku sick to her stomach. She thought back to all the times she should have acted differently. Even if she did just the slightest thing better, she believed, she might have been able to save Yuna. No matter what Paine or anyone else said, Rikku would forever feel responsible for Yuna's suicide.

It was the last words she spoke, or rather yelled, to her cousin that would remain hauntingly transfixed in her mind, "This is your problem, Yuna! This is your problem! Why can't you let go? All you're doing is driving us mad! You're so stupid! I hate you!"

In her bratty fit, Rikku committed a greater sin than she would ever have imagined possible. She could never have comprehended how she could condemn the most important person in her life. It was these damning words that echoed tormentingly inside her dreams at night. When Yuna dropped to her lowest, Rikku failed to carry her. She cringed and covered her ears as if it would block the pain. She began to cry, eventually sobbing herself to sleep.

Her mind receded into a restless slumber until she fuzzily felt something nudging at her side. At first, her mind didn't click in, and from her sleep, she didn't wake. Then the nudging grew harder, and she jolted awake. Not caught in the middle of a dream, Rikku realized whatever touched her was real. To her right beside the bed knelt the silhouette of a tall figure. The intruder leaned down, arm extended by hers. She nearly screamed, but another hand covered her mouth, muffling her cries.

"Shh," a soothing voice whispered. "Don't freak out like that."

She instantly recognized that voice. "Gippal? Is that you?"

He nodded as he relit the candle in the room. "You betcha it is. What's up, Rikku?"

"I was sleeping you jerk! It's the middle of the night you know," she replied, sticking her tongue out.

Gippal grinned. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"I'm just glad to see you're still alive. I thought something awful had happened to you."

He chuckled. "Yeah? Well, nothing happened. Nooj and I have been running around like crazy across Spira."

"Nooj is with you?"

"Yep, ol' stone cold and I have been chasing after Shuyin."

She slid off the mat. "Did you find Vegnagun?"

"Hold on, hold on!" he whispered, waving his hands at her. "Look, I need to know if you'll come with us."

"Come with you? To where?"

"I'll tell you when we get outta here. I don't have much time. Are you coming or not?"

She paused for a moment, thinking of her friends. "Well, but what should I do about Paine and my brother? I can't just up and leave."

Gippal sighed. "Alright uh, here. Take this and write them a note."

Handing her a pen and a piece of paper from his backpack, Rikku wrote a short note and laid it on the table next to the bed. Gippal smiled and flicked her a thumbs up. They proceeded to sneak out of the hovel and run into the shadows of the woods. Rikku wasn't sure why they had to be so secretive. A thousand thoughts rushed through her head.

While holding her hand, Gippal led her through the jungle. The firm grip of his hand around hers cast a feeling of safety on Rikku, although she desired to explore more than just feelings of safety with him—though that was for another time. They came to a small boat at the dock by the beach. A pair of tracks were entrenched in the sand behind them as the two rode off at sea.

"Ok, Gippal, you have me out in the middle of nowhere? Just where are we going?" asked Rikku urgently.

"Don't worry girl, the plan is simple. We're gonna meet up with Nooj in Kilika. Then we hunt for Shuyin!" Gippal winked with his unpatched eye at her.

The dawn of the next morning rose from the island's low horizon. The water of the ocean sparkled under its misty light. The daybreak awakened Paine, who yawned loudly. She rubbed her eyes and methodically rolled out of bed. She shook her head and yawned once more. After washing her face, she crept over to Rikku's bed in an attempt to scare her awake. She thought a little deviance would do them both some good. Much to Paine's surprise, Rikku was nowhere in sight. She looked around frantically and even called out her name. On the table next to the bed, she located Rikku's note.

Don't wait for me, Gullwings. I'll be gone for a little bit, but don't think I'm abandoning you. Sorry to leave so fast, but I had to. I'll explain when I come back.

Sorry guys . . .

Rikku