Author: Elf Asato
Written: 6/16/05
Summary: Subaru and Fuuma discuss different creams.
Disclaimer: Not mine whatsoever.
Notes: I should be writing and finishing up other stuff, but I heard the crack god's voice late one night and it told me to write this. Who am I to argue with the divine? (By the way, the thing with the Romanian woman is real...)
Omakex2
By Elf Asato
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Fuuma thought that all the Sumeragi's complaints of how chemicals made his Seishirou Eye hurt was just an excuse to get out of household cleaning. So it was with that thought that he stood outside the bathroom door, watching Subaru put drops into his eyes after an aborted attempt at scrubbing the floors, and made disapproving tsks and sighs, just to annoy him.
After finishing putting the drops in, Subaru blinked a few times and glared at Fuuma. "Yes?"
"Just watching," he explained, trying to seem as innocent as the deadly and destructive Angel could be, which wasn't much.
Subaru rolled his eyes and opened the medicine cabinet to put the drops away and retrieved something else. As he twisted off the lid to a jar and dabbed the white, creamy stuff inside onto the skin under his eye, he murmured, "Well please refrain from being annoying..."
The white, creamy substance piqued Fuuma's interest, and immediately he had thoughts. Many thoughts. "What's that?"
"What's what, this?"
"Yeah."
"Eye cream," Subaru answered and continued to massage it into his skin.
A strange, confused, and weirded-out looked crossed Fuuma's features, which was exceedingly odd considering what he initially thought it was, as he asked, "You put ice cream under your eye?"
"No," Subaru corrected, "eye cream. The vapors from it are soothing. ...You thought it was actually ice cream?"
"Actually...wait, is eye cream eye jizz? Was I right after all?"
At first, Subaru was stunned. Then he recovered and threw the lid at Fuuma. "No, now either say something useful or shut up because you're annoying the hell out of me."
Fuuma shrugged and examined the lid. "Hey, what's 'Avon'?"
"Shut up."
Fuuma briefly wondered if, for his own safety, he should do the Sumeragi a favor and fetch his morphine. Instead he asked, "...Is 'Avon' made from eyes?"
"What the f--"
"Hey, it was just a question!"
It took a second, but Subaru finally quelled his irritation and answered calmly, "Avon is a brand name, Fuuma, and no, eye cream is not made of eyes." Then he added as an afterthought, because, well, he was dealing with Fuuma, "...or 'eye jizz', for that matter..."
His curiosity knew no bounds. "Then what's it made of?"
"...Good stuff."
Well, coming from the irritated onmyouji, Fuuma supposed that was as good an answer as any. "Hey, if it was made from eyes, what do you think it would taste like?" Before Subaru was able to throw the entire jar at him, he explained quickly, "I thought it was ice cream at first, so..."
Fortunately for Fuuma, who would have found out first hand what eye cream tasted like, this seemed to calm Subaru for the moment. He answered seriously, "Like...eyes? I don't suppose eyes have a flavor, but I never really thought to taste one."
"I was watching this sex show the other day," Fuuma began as the other, strangely, listened carefully, "and there was this old woman in Romania who licked people's eyeballs to heal them, but they never showed her saying if it had a flavor or anything."
Subaru furrowed his brows. "Well, that's odd... You'd think that that would actually hurt more than help since the human mouth isn't as clean as, say, a dog's, but--wait, this was on a sex show?"
"Yeah, it was bizarre. I mean, it's not like they were being sexual about it, and I'm not sure I even know of anyone having an eye fetish--oh wait, never mind."
"...What?"
"Uh..."
"Hey," said Subaru, changing the subject to suit his whim, "you know what I could really go for?"
"Morphine?"
Subaru's green and amber eyes practically glossed over. "Yeah...and ice cream."
"Eye flavored ice cream?"
That same dreamy and dazed look continued in Subaru's mismatched eyes as he answered, "Yeah..." and wandered off to take a few more pills than he should have of morphine.
A few hours later, police were baffled to find an entire orphanage of children completely robbed of their eyes...