Author: Elf Asato
Written: 9/10/05
Summary: Seishirou lectures about safe sex.
Disclaimer: Not mine whatsoever.
Notes: This is the Train-Wreck Omake, by the way, and don't believe anythingIwrite here... Much thanks to the U.S. Department of Health for the "men who have sex with men" bit ('cause, you know, there's no other word for it...).
+
Omakex4
By Elf Asato
+
On Fuuma's list of Situations He Wanted To Be In, being caught buck naked with the Sakurazukamori's favorite prey by said Sakurazukamori's ghost on his dead mother's bed definitely wasn't one of them.
"You," Seishirou's ghost muttered ominously as he advanced towards a houseplant, but nobody was man (or high) enough to say anything. "You...don't have a condom, do you?"
For all the anxious suspense Fuuma had been subjected to from the ghost's sudden appearance, this non sequiter was rather jarring. And so he stared at the Sakurazukamori's transparent figure with his mouth open, gaping like a fish, wondering if Seishirou's ghost seriously asked his houseplant for a condom. It was entirely possible, after all, that he had ingested one of Subaru's special happy pills...
"We don't have any ketchup," Subaru said.
As Fuuma gave his would-be lover an odd look, Seishirou turned towards the sound of his voice and smiled in that dangerously creepy way of his. "Ah, Subaru-kun. It's been a while. I trust you've been well?"
"Uhhh."
"Have you been eating every day?"
"Uhhh."
"And sleeping?"
"Uhhh."
"Have you been sleeping, Subaru-kun?"
"...Dude, you don't have any eyes."
Fuuma choked on nothing at Subaru and his startling yet true observation on the ghost of the eyeless Sakurazukamori.
Seishirou was still dignified, and he responded delicately, "Of course, my darling Subaru-kun, as you are now wearing the one eye I had left."
"Oh. Cool."
"Uh, Seishirou, it's all nice to see you and all," Fuuma butted in uncomfortably just as the Sakurazukamori was about to inquire about the state of his Subaru - Kamui or not, Fuuma wasn't in any hurry to explain to him that his dear prey had become a morphine addict in his absence, "but, er...I thought you were dead. I mean, you are since you're a ghost, but, uh...why are you here?"
Seishirou gained a rather parental air - Fuuma supposed it was super cool ghost powers or something - and cleared his throat. "Why Monou-kun," ("Hey...") "I'm glad you asked. You see, I couldn't help but notice that you and my dear Subaru-kun were about to engage in some rather risky activities, and I had to step in."
"Hey listen, Seishirou, I know Subaru's your big prey and all, but you've gotta realize that you're dead, and I'm not, and--"
"You mistake my intentions, Monou-kun! Quite so."
"Yeah, right, and don't call me that."
"No, no, I insist I didn't come here to break you and my darling Subaru-kunwho'smineandminealone," Seishirou said as he gave his best fake-smile. "I'm simply...concerned. I wish to help you two lovers out."
Fuuma squirmed.
"You two don't have a condom, do you?"
"You don't need a condom for eye fucking," Subaru said matter-of-factly, and Fuuma choked again.
"Oh but Subaru-kun, that's a common misconception in youngsters these days. They all think that they can eye fuck freely and safely without repercussions, but the fact is that that is simply not true. There are many, many dangers to eye fucking!"
"Uhhh," was Fuuma's response.
"For instance," Seishirou began, genuinely fake, "did you know that you can get ebola from crying?"
Fuuma raised an eyebrow. "Ebola! What the hell does ebola have to do with sex?"
"Everything. When you get ebola, Subaru-kun, your insides turn to mush, and you bleed out of every orifice!" Seishirou tried his best to look like he had the best intentions.
"Whoa, cool!"
"What! No -- I mean...your penis falls off, Subaru-kun."
Subaru looked as if he was about to cry.
Fuuma simply rolled his eyes. "Don't listen to him, Subaru. He's lying."
"I am certainly not! I'm only trying to help you, Subaru-kun. I want you to be safe and happy, while it seems that Monou-kun would rather your insides turn to mush and your penis fall off."
"What!"
"Additionally--"
"His lies will give you ebola..."
"--you can catch the dreaded rhinovirus if you are a man who has sex with men who have sex with men."
"Rhinovirus? What the--"
"And since you are a man, and Monou-kun is a man who has sex with men who have sex with men, if you have sex with Monou-kun, you'll be a man who has sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm going to turn into a rhinosaurus!" ("Rhinosaurus?") Subaru lamented loudly.
"And you can't cry or you'll give us ebola," Seishirou added.
"Give him ebola, Subaru, go on."
"I think my penis just fell off."
"Well shit," Seishirou muttered, "I mean--"
"Uhh..."
"Oh! But if it falls off from ebola, then I can't be a rhinosaurus because I can't be gay!"
Seishirou paused. "Who said anything about being gay?"
"Men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--" Subaru began.
"Honestly, I don't know where he comes up with this nonsense," Seishirou didn't roll his eyes.
"--men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have--"
"I wonder," and Fuuma did.
"--sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men--"
"Is he on drugs?"
"--who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"
"Actually..." Fuuma murmured.
"--men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"
"I think my work here is done," Seishirou said smugly as he handed Fuuma a condom. "Happy eye fucking?"
"--men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"
"Yeah, whatever," Fuuma said as soon as Seishirou's ghost disappeared.
"--men," Subaru finished dramatically, then passed out.
Much to his dismay, Fuuma never had a chance to find out that ghost condoms didn't really work...