So, it's been a while, hey? Going through my old files, I've stumbled upon this little gem, which was written in response to Imitation of Life's fic 'Why Can't You See What I See?' (located at /s/1656754/1/).

Justification in Calling a Pamphlet Gay
An essay by Sirius Black, written at the request of Albus Dumbledore.

Here it is, the justification you've been waiting for: why I called your little pamphlet gay. After delving into, uncomfortably, may I add, the pamphlet's personal life for the sake of this essay, I feel that my declaration of its sexual nature was spot on, and do believe that said pamphlet has been up to a lot more than you suspect, Professor Dumbledore, seeing as how you doubted my judgment call in the first place. I am sorry to report to you that your pamphlet is not as virginal as you thought it was.

This was written with consent of the pamphlet, as I would never divulge details of such a personal nature to random third parties without making sure it was all right with the source first.

The pamphlet first suspected it was different from an early age when all the other pamphlets in its class were being misused and torn, generally kept in bad condition, but it was preserved and cared for in a pristine manner, hence its survival to come into my possession years down the road. It felt more of a connection with the more effeminate pamphlets, and had an unnatural bond to its mother, Printing Press. Its father, Wandenspell, was suspiciously absent from its life. It claims this event still affects him everyday of his existence.

It kept its preferences to itself for although it felt right to feel the way it did, it also didn't escape its notice that it seemed a bit singular, and because we live in such a close-minded world where the different are ridiculed for their idiosyncrasies, the pamphlet did not feel comfortable at that point in time to come out with its feelings.

During its fourth year, it came to the realization that it fancied its best friend, whom was of the same gender. By this time, it had garnered through the musings of its friends that romantic feelings toward pamphlets of the same gender was an anomaly. Further research proved that it affected 3-4 per cent of the masculine pamphlets, and 1-2 per cent of the feminine. This minority was strongly looked down upon, and so it kept its feelings hidden once more, causing it certain emotional turmoil.

Through a stroke of good luck, the pamphlet's friend had also developed feelings of a more romantic nature toward our protagonist, and was a bit braver. It confessed its feelings to our beloved pamphlet, and they celebrated their mutual attraction with a hug and kiss. Their more-than-platonic relationship lasted two years, and they remain good friends until this day, sometimes going out together to scope the current market for single pamphlets when they are both without a partner. It is with this pamphlet that it experienced its first sexual dalliance, which was of the oral persuasion. They contemplated moving beyond that, but decided in the end they were better off not doing so(apparently they were both too embarrassed to procure any lube).

After school, the pamphlet went through a slew of sexual partners, starting with Seymour Butts, to whom it lost its virginity. It also slept with transvestite Amanda Huggenkiss, Hugh Jass, Marco (whom he met on a jaunt to Canada), and most recently had a pregnancy scare with James Potter, and that is why I suspect Potter has such an obsession with male pregnancies now. The pamphlet informs that there have been many others, but it has since forgotten their names. It states, 'I am comfortable with my sexual nature now, although I wasn't for many years. Mr. Black has a great tendency to call them like he sees them, and he did just that last night, and so should not be punished with another detention upon the completion of this paper.' It also wishes to express its utmost apologies for being such a randied bummer throughout its twenties, but has since seen the errors of its ways and is currently looking for a long-term relationship.

..written 27 Dec 2003..