Moon and Starlight

Archive: Padfoot...Snuffles SBRL, Azkaban's Lair (if Nezad wants it)
Summary: The prank went wrong, but what was going through Sirius' mind afterwards?
Pairing: Remus & Sirius
Disclaimer: All characters etc belong to JK Rowling - I just 'borrow' them from time-to-time
Spoilers: POA / OotP
Author's Notes: MWPP era / denotes thoughts
Warnings: Angst, attempted suicide. One strongish word, not really swearing.

"Black - it is angsty, just as you promise - but the ending is very sweet, even hopeful. I was shocked by the idea that Sirius might do himself harm, I think almost as much as Remus was! And I liked how very mysterious and almost ghostly Dumbledore was - very eerie and creepy. I'd've hidden, too. Thank you for posting it!" Cricket

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Sirius sank onto his bed and looked around the empty dorm. James had just run after Snape who, on Sirius suggestion, was heading for the Whomping Willow and Remus. Sirius had been waiting a while for James to return when he heard footsteps approaching. Looking up at the door he was surprised to see Professor Dumbledore facing him in the doorway: professors didn't usually appear randomly in the dorm doorways of an evening. Sirius was struggling with his emotions too much to care whether the headmaster was staring at him or not. He was still burning up inside from comments Snape had made about Remus earlier, but there was an element of fear running through his blood now: fear that Remus would be expelled, or worse killed for attacking or even killing Snape. Dumbledore remained in the doorway, staring into Sirius who looked up and caught the headmaster's gaze. Without a word spoken, Dumbledore turned on his heels and was gone.

Sirius stared at the doorway for what seemed like hours before deciding on a course of action. Presumably Dumbledore had knowledge of what had happened earlier that evening, which would result in Sirius expulsion from Hogwarts, let alone what would happen to Remus. The only option open to Sirius now was to hide, but where? He looked around the dorm for James' invisibility cloak, but it was nowhere to be found as James had used it to aid his rescue of Snape earlier. Sirius' mind turned to the map as he frantically rifled through James' trunk, but that was also missing. The only place he could go now, is one he hoped no one else would know, or think of.

Running madly, he reached the portrait and paced across it three times.
/I need somewhere to hide where they can't find me. Don't let them find me/
Opening the door he threw himself inside, hearing the satisfying clunk of the door locking behind him. Looking around, he spotted a cushion on the floor, which he dropped onto, letting the privacy of the room allow his emotions run wild for the first time that evening.
/What have I done? I've taken the Marauders idea of rule breaking too far. Risking James and Remus' lives, especially Remus'. Betraying his trust/
Lying on his side, Sirius curled up into a ball and found a box of tissues near his head. Before he could work out a reason for them, he felt his eyes getting moist.
/Boys and men don't cry/ but thoughts were no good - his emotions were too raw and close to the surface.
He lay there all night, wondering how he could still remain at Hogwarts. Even if he wasn't expelled there was no way the Marauders would let him back. Betraying trust was a pet hate of James, so he would have none of it.

Remus and James were allowed from the Hospital wing the following day, but no one had seen anything of Sirius since that evening. Their first lesson of the day as History of Magic, a lesson most students used to catch up on the week's gossip. Flicking over the pages in his textbook, Remus stared at the pages and spoke quietly, hardly moving his lips.
"What happened that evening?"
"How much do you already know?"
"All I know is Snape appeared in the Shack - Dumbledore told me that, but how did he get past the Willow?"
James looked over at Remus, "you sure you want to know?"
Remus sighed, "well, I think I need to know who betrayed our trust. Surely it can't be that bad, can it?"
"Snape was sent there. Someone told him how to get past the willow."
Remus looked up and stared into James' eyes, he knew the answer before it was stated. "Is that where he is then? He's been expelled?"
"Not as far as I know, no-one's seen anything of him since."

The evening was cold and dark as Remus lay awake in bed, waiting for James and Peter to fall asleep. Hearing the satisfying snores from the two boys, Remus crept over to James' trunk and removed the invisibility cloak and map. Pulling the cloak over himself, he whispered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" and walked from the dorms, heading into the common room. He needed a chance to be alone and think: to come to terms with Sirius' actions that night. Remus walked over to an armchair and sank into it, staring mindlessly at the map. Dumbledore was pacing in his office: they had watched him do that for hours one winters evening in detention.
/Why do I feel so strongly about this? Is it that my secret has been betrayed or is there more to it? I didn't get expelled, I didn't attack Snape, so what's my problem? We've done dangerous things before, like them learning to become Animagi. What if Sirius gets expelled/
At the last thought, Remus' heart did a little dance and he began to realise just what Sirius actually meant to him.
/Of course that's only one-sided: he doesn't know I prefer men. I know he's always been one for the ladies, even Lily calls him a "great catch"/
Looking at the map again, Remus saw a name that made his heart do its second jig of the night. One hand holding the cloak steady over himself, he ran towards the room of requirement.

Sirius' emotions were running wild; his body felt it could no longer cope with the torment inside him. Lifting his tear stained face, he noticed a small knife lying on the other side of the room. Just the thing Muggles had been known to use: something to end all the suffering he was feeling.
"Accio!"
Picking it up, he moved it slowly towards his wrist. He had enough knowledge of Muggles to know exactly how they used this knife to end the torment they were suffering: one swift movement would be all he would need. Holding it steady, his breath coming in short ragged gasps, he pulled it backwards, screwing his eyes at the thought of seeing his own blood.

"Accio!"
Sirius had heard nothing, but felt his grip on the knife loosening, as the blade flew from his sweaty palm. Opening his eyes, he could see it once more lying on the other side of the room, by the still locked door. Scrabbling across the room to reach it, he felt a strong force pushing him backwards: so unexpected that he fell, landing on his back. Looking round again, Sirius could still see nothing which could have caused this, but had an idea. Pulling out his wand from the inside pocket of his robes, he called in a low almost strangled voice which echoed around the room.
"Who's there? If that's you, James, I'll kill you. Remus and you don't deserve me and you know it. Neither of you will want to know me, not after what I did. I am truly sorry for what I did to you both, but there's no point in me living if I don't have your friendship. Snape said some hurtful things, which got to me more than usual, so I spoilt all chances of friendship with you both. Just let me be on my own and finish this."

His voice broke at the feel of what appeared to be a hand on his shoulder. Before the prank, he had fantasised of Remus, wondering what the lad's touch would feel like. If things had been normal, he would have welcomed the chance of working out who's soft yet powerful touch it was, but they weren't and he pushed the hand from his shoulder and stood up.

"Bugger off, whoever you are. Can't you see I've got unfinished things to finish off?"
"Immobilaris!"
Sirius began to run over to the knife as the spell caught him, falling to the floor as he became unable to move. Something was pinning his legs to the ground to further enhance the effect of the immobilisation spell.
"Don't do it," came a soft yet emotional voice from beneath the cloak, "don't do it Padfoot."
Instantly, Sirius recognised the voice and made to move his arms but the spell was still active, the invisible force still pinning his legs to the ground. Remus moved the cloak so his head was apparent, dropping it to the ground before putting it in the pocket of his robes for safety. Sirius felt confused. He'd nearly killed Remus and James, yet here was Remus saving him from killing himself.
/Why? More to the point, why am I enjoying feeling the weight of Remus pinning me down? Why do I feel like I want to snog the breath from him: is it just because he's saved me, or because I love him? I know I fantasised of him, but is that because he was the only lad near me at the time, the only one to pay me any attention apart from James? It's no good anyway, everyone knows he prefers women to men, so why am I trying to decipher my thoughts/

Sirius gave up thinking, settling his gaze on Remus' eyes until the effect of the spell wore off and he could move his arms freely. He tried to put all those thoughts into words, but couldn't find a way to express them, so he settled for the simple one word question, "why?" Remus looked back at him, not quite meeting his gaze. He struggled to find the right words, then in a shaky voice managed to find what he wanted to say.
"I couldn't let you do it. Despite you nearly killing me James and Snape I couldn't turn you away. When I realised where you'd gone and saw that knife in your hand, I knew that an apology was all I needed. I do feel betrayed by you, but the way you spoke a few moments ago was enough for me to realise you were acting on impulse, without thinking. Snape doesn't normally affect you in that way, what had he said?"
Sirius dropped his head, his voice even quieter than before, "something about you. He said you and Goyle were lovers."
Remus looked surprised, then started laughing softly, "which bit of that ridiculous comment did you object to? Me apparently being with Goyle, or me preferring males as partners?"

It took a couple of moments for the words to sink in to Sirius' head; he stared at Remus, almost not believing what he had heard.
"You do prefer men to women then?"
Remus shrugged, "always have done. I guess there's more to me than everyone else has thought. My parents still don't know, and I'm happy for it to stay that way. They were bad enough when I got bitten, so I've no idea how they will react to a gay werewolf for a son."
Sirius drew a shaky gasp of relief, almost afraid to move in case it was some strange dream he'd been having. Not only had Remus forgiven him for that terrible prank that went so wrong, but he'd also opened the door for Sirius' fantasies to come true one day. Taking Remus' offered hand to help him up, he swayed to one side: in the time he'd spent in the room of requirement he'd hardly eaten and was paying the price for that now. Remus noticed his friend's unsteadiness and supported him, placing an arm over his shoulder to steady Sirius as the walked slowly to the door.
Sirius felt mildly confused, his emotions had never had such a wild time: he normally contained all emotion, suppressing it into time spent hexing Snape. The last few days had been different. He'd tricked Snape, almost killed two of his best friends, nearly killed himself, and been forgiven: no wonder his head was aching. Sirius half wondered what James would have to say to him, but decided that would have to wait until the morning at the earliest. Right now all he could think about is Remus walking next to him with his arm around his shoulder.