Chapter Nineteen: The Pitfalls of Overconfidence
Disregarding Lu Xun's worries about his "bosom" slipping out of his dress, Sun Ce confidently—and rather foolishly—sets a wedding date.
A gentle breeze blew soft clouds of peach blossoms across the air, songbirds lifted their voices in sweet, liquid melodies, and a pair of white swans, cold and proud like aristocrats, glided elegantly across the gentle green waters of a man-made lotus lake.
Amidst this setting of beauty and refinement gathered the officers of both Wu and Shu…although the party from the South was noticeably smaller than its western counterpart. Zhou Yu was away, having joined Sun Jian in distracting the redoubtable Lady Wu, lest that matriarch chance upon her cross-dressing "daughter." The majority of the other generals, under the solid leadership of Lu Meng, was discreetly combing the palace grounds in an effort to find the still-missing Sun Shang Xiang.
This left only the two princes, with their "little sister," to entertain the groom-to-be and his officers.
The two sides were seated around an ample table of carved, fragrant sandalwood, Wu on one side, Shu across from them. Upon the table were laid out porcelain cups of chrysanthemum tea, moon cakes of varying sizes and flavors, and a lush array of exotic fruits.
"Our dear little sister is honored to meet Lord Liu Bei," Sun Ce was happily blabbing, while he picked at a juicy pomegranate and stained his fingers a messy burgundy in the process.
He then prodded the unhappy Lu Xun, who hid his veiled face behind an elaborate fan and squeaked out dutifully, "This unworthy maiden is very honored to meet the Imperial Uncle."
Hearing Lu Xun's pitiful impersonation, the pageboy Ren Er, who was standing at a discreet corner of the garden to attend to whichever officer might need his services, exploded with uproarious hoots of laughter. His two princes whirled over to glare at the bratty valet, before Sun Quan had the sense to quickly turn back around and plaster an innocent, reassuring smile for his guests.
He then elbowed Lu Xun, who coughed awkwardly and stammered, "And, ah…I, Sun Shang Xiang, hope that together we may unite our two kingdoms and bring down the tyrant Cao Cao."
Liu Bei scratched his head in puzzlement. The small, demure figure seated before him appeared to be quite lovely, with a slim, delicate frame and a complexion as perfect as the finest white jade. Yet despite being opulently dressed in a striking carmine gown and seductive gossamer veils, there was something distinctively unfeminine about the way "Lady Sun" carried herself. The fact that Zhuge Liang, languidly fanning himself and leaving his tea untouched, seemed ready to burst into laughter every time he looked at his lord's future bride, wasn't exactly calming Liu Bei, either.
Nevertheless, to come out and accuse the princess of Wu of being manly would be a disastrous political move, so Liu Bei obligingly answered in a kind voice, "The people weren't lying when they said that Lady Sun is a woman blessed with both beauty and virtue."
He then cleared his throat, and motioned for somebody behind him to step forward.
Zhao Yun emerged from below an arching roof of magnolia branches, leading Xi Tian with him.
"I would like to present Lady Sun with an able handmaid from Guiyang. She is called Orchid," Liu Bei began, as Xi Tian smiled and dipped down in a well-practiced curtsey.
What could Lu Xun do? Bullied by Sun Ce and Sun Quan on both sides, he had no choice but to glide over to meet his new handmaid, bobbing a clumsy imitation of what he'd just seen Xi Tian perform. His unladylike gesture went thankfully unnoticed by the males; however, Xi Tian observed his clear nervousness and his almost comical lack of poise, and began to giggle. She frantically searched for her handkerchief to muffle her laughter, but as she'd given it away to Zhao Yun on the Chang Jiang, she had no choice but to hide her smile behind her hand.
Lu Xun looked slightly annoyed, but before he could speak up, he felt one of his "breasts" begin slipping down toward his navel. Frantically, he clutched an arm around his stomach to keep the peach from sliding out, raising his fan chest-level to hide his rather visual blunder while he righted himself from his awkward curtsey.
Meanwhile, Zhang Fei, bored with all the leisurely and time-consuming introduction ceremonies, was demanding, "When's the wedding going to take place?"
"Yide." Liu Bei turned around to chide his youngest sworn brother, at the same time that Sun Ce piped up confidently, "Well, since all the preparations are more or less complete, I think tomorrow night should be no problem."
Sun Quan almost fell down in shock. Grabbing his brother's sleeve and pulling him a few steps out of Liu Bei's earshot, he hissed furiously, "Tomorrow night! Have you lost your mind?"
"Have a little respect, I'm older than you are," Sun Ce huffed importantly.
His younger brother rolled his eyes.
"Then start acting your age and think before you speak," he muttered under his breath.
"Don't try to pin the blame on me," Sun Ce protested defensively. "This will all work out just fine. I mean, how many places can one girl hide in? Lu Meng and the others will definitely find her long before tomorrow night's wedding ceremony."
Sun Quan, unsurprisingly, didn't look very convinced.
"Are you sure about that? Shang Xiang's very resourceful," he murmured uncertainly.
Sun Ce nonchalantly waved his hand back and forth, as the two rejoined Lu Xun in entertaining their guests from Shu.
"Positive. Mark my words; Little Sis will definitely be found before the wedding date," he boasted confidently.
The Following Evening…
"Lord Bofu, Lord Zhongmou, we still can't find Lady Sun."
Sun Quan, already dressed in the festive crimson robes of one attending a wedding ceremony, turned to his elder brother and had to resist the urge to clobber him over the head with the latter's own tonfas.
"Little Sis will definitely be found by tonight, huh?" he parroted angrily, nearly spitting the words out.
Sun Ce, decked out in equally dashing red attire, could only offer a sheepish grin.
"Well, what do you know; apparently there are a lot of places one girl can hide in," he thoughtfully mused out loud.
Sun Quan hardly looked amused by this too-late epiphany.
"If only you hadn't set the wedding date for tonight—!" he started to bite out, shaking one finger accusingly at his brother and ignoring the latter's squawks about seniority and respect for elders.
Before Sun Quan could really work himself into a rage, however, the doors to the room were yanked wide open. A cardinal figure, enveloped in gold-fringed brocade, crashed through the heavy portieres.
"Lu Xun." Sun Ce stared down at his faux "little sister."
One russet eyebrow arched upwards questioningly, before the first prince of Wu added, "Where's your wedding veil?"
Lu Xun's head snapped up at his question—an admirable feat, considering all the excess jewelry and flowers that had been woven into his hair and were currently weighing down his scalp.
"M-m-my lord, you can't expect me to marry Lord Liu Bei tonight if Lady Sun isn't found in time for the wedding?" he wheezed out a desperate protest, his voice rising several octaves with each word.
"Of course not!" Sun Quan firmly stepped in, before the cross-dressing madness could spiral out of control.
His reassurance seemed to calm the young strategist down, until Zhou Yu stepped primly inside and announced, "Lord Sun and Lady Wu are currently overseeing the final wedding preparations. Her Majesty is quite eager to meet her new son-in-law later tonight."
He then swept Lu Xun's appearance in a cool glance, before remarking with smooth sarcasm, "I see my wife and her sister have accomplished yet another hairdressing masterpiece."
Sun Quan trained an accusing glare on his brother when he heard his strategist's news, gritting out through clenched teeth, "Wonderful! So now Mother's expecting a son-in-law by tonight!"
Lu Xun's jaw trembled, while he blubbered with a sniff, "I'm only seventeen! How come I have to be married already…and to another man, no less?"
Zhou Yu sighed, before turning to his best friend and inquiring, "What should we do?"
Sun Ce set his lips in a firm, straight line, before reaching up with both hands and beginning to heedlessly rip off his ornate wedding attire.
Lu Xun brightened up.
"Are you taking my place as the bride?" he asked hopefully.
Sun Quan rolled his eyes, Zhou Yu muttered under his breath, "Boyan, sometimes I have to question your intellect," and Sun Ce himself replied rather frostily, "I have facial hair; how do you expect me to pass off as a woman?"
After ridding himself of all his draping, clumsy red silk robes, the first prince of Wu picked up the Overlord. Expertly whirling his tonfas around, he began to march out of the room while declaring, "Now we resume stalling for time!"