2. Still I'm sad

Pony's POV

When I stepped out of the front door the fresh evening air came towards me.
I inhaled it deeply and smiled shortly.
But when I remembered the talk with Soda my smile vanished again.

Why can't he and also the others just see that I don't need nobody to keep an eye on me?
I don't need their company, because they do this out of pity anyway and I don't need their pity!

I don't mind to have the gang around me.
Sometimes I really need them around me to feel not completely lonely.
When they're here I know that I'm not alone.
There's still someone, who cares for me; I does matter to them, I mean something to them, someone who loves me, who I love, who means something to me...

But they think that they would do me any good with their company though.
I know they all only wanna help me and I also ain't ungrateful but very glad about it.
But they just can't take the grief about Johnny and also Dally from me.
This just ain't possible.
I have to defeat it by myself, they can't help me.
Nobody's able to do that!

Aw Johnny! I miss ya so much. Oh, how I wish ya still were here! I miss ya...

There a fresh wind arose and was blowing around my hair, which already was grown back a little but it's still bleached - but my natural hair color slowly comes out again.

I shivered and there I noticed that I still was standing in front of my house.
Did I really just stare the whole time into the sky?

I shook my head, wrapped the leather jacket – Dally's jacket, which I wear nearly all the time since the 'accident' happened – a bit tighter around me and set off to watch the movies, although I really wasn't in the mood for that today.
But I didn't know what to do otherwise.

I really wouldn't have thought that it already was that cold; a reliable sign that the autumn wouldn't be very far away once again.

I lit a cigarette to warm myself up a bit from inside.

I also passed the lot on my way to the movies.

The lot – Johnny's second - real - home!

Damn it, there are so much places here in Tulsa that constantly remind me of Dally and Johnny.
And the lot was one of these places where the memories of the both – above all of Johnny – come up the most.

I slowed down my step and then stopped completely.
With shaking hands I led the cigarette to my mouth, took a strong drag on it and kept the smoke a moment inside me before I blew it out again while I viewed the vacant lot.

And for a moment I really thought a boy would appear out of the bushes and come towards me.
A boy with a nervous look and with black hair, which hung in streaks in his face, so that it constantly fell in his dark and fearful eyes.
A boy, who believed that his life was worth less than the lives of the kids, which he had saved.
A boy, who wasn't loved by his folks; beat up by his dad, despised by his mom.
A boy, who didn't turn - in spite of everything - tough and full of hate but remained sensitive and shy. A boy, who has killed someone in self-defense only to save me...
A boy, who died, because he would save a life once more.
A boy, who saved life but lost his own at the same time.
A boy, who would kill himself.
A boy, who merely was 16 years old.
A boy – my buddy, my best buddy: Johnny!

I nearly could see Johnny coming towards me, greeting me shyly in his way and asking me for a cigarette and asking what I would have intended to do.

I shook my head and closed my eyes, so that this illusion disappeared again.

Did I seriously believe that Johnny could stand alive in front of me?
Could I really still believe that after all what has happened?
Was I actually still that confused and despaired about it that I still couldn't or wouldn't think it's true?

I stood there some time with closed eyes and concentrated on a regular breathing and listened to the soft wind that rushed in the trees nearby.
I wasn't aware in this moment that I would have been an easy victim if a few Socs would have passed and jumped me.

Finally I opened my eyes again, sighed, cast a last glance at the lot and was about to go again when I heard a rustle and steps behind me.
I was scared and turned around quickly.
Just in that moment I realized that it could be some Socs. And I would be here all by myself...

Do I carry a switchblade with me? How many of them will there probably be?, I thought when I turned around.