I do not own Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I don't own Legolas either, but that's not stopping me!
IMPORTANT: When I uploaded, the regular quotations were gone, so now I am using a different way of denoting Sindarin: --blah blah--

Return to Middle Earth
Kayo
Chapter IX: Cruel Intentions

Nina and Chloe were watching The Return of the King with such intense ferocity. Nothing escaped their watchful eyes. They especially paid attention to where Legolas's hands were.

"He touched Aragorn's butt!" shouted Chloe, standing up and running to the dvd player to rewind it.

"No he didn't! He was reaching for his Elven Blades of Doom!" countered Nina, who held the remote.

"Yes, he clearly did. I mean, take a look at Aragorn's face. Pure pleasure. And you want to know why? Because Legolas just did him a sexual favor! THAT'S WHY!"

"Or not. I think it's because his horse just nudged his...er...unmentionable area."

Chloe watched the clip again. "Oh..."

They sat down and continued to watch the movie, pausing every ten minutes when one was convinced Legolas did something or other, and the other would disprove it easily.

The ending credits finally came, and both Chloe and Nina stretched their cramped legs and butts. As Nina got up to turn off the movie, Chloe suddenly asked, "You miss Shawn?"

Nina froze for a second, caught off guard from their previous Legolas indulgence. Then she simply answered, "Yea. Of course I do. He's my boyfriend. My first kiss. He means a lot to me."

"I figured. But what if he dies in Middle Earth," questioned Chloe, leaning on the armrest of the couch. "It's not that safe of a place. And you saw what he had to deal with before he went there. Sauron's a big asswipe. He's probably more powerful in Middle Earth than he was here. What if he already killed Shawn? We might have no way of knowing."

Nina packed the dvd in the box and sat down next to Chloe. "Well, Jared said he was going to go back there to kick Shawn's ass...which probably meant to save him. But I think I'll know if it happens. And I think the least Jared could do would be to tell us."

"And if Jared doesn't tell us, then I guess we'll just have to find a way to Middle Earth and kidnap Legolas as a replacement boyfriend."

"RIGHT ON!"

The next day.

Shawn woke up in his own room. His own room! He had a room all to himself! He didn't have to share it with any of the crazy Elves that wanted to rape/hurt him. And he had some clothes that weren't like tights. That was a nice deal. A pair of boots too. In fact, he was decked out in an all Elvish wardrobe. Which was pretty nifty. It almost made him feel all warm and tingly inside, and no, he did not have any dreams about girls last night. Don't be gross. He's not like Thaniel. And he never will be. Ever. Then he went back to sleep.

Thaniel was still recuperating in his little room down the hall. His shoulder was feeling much better, though the medicine that Silmaril was prescribing was making him a bit drowsy now and highly incomprehensible. Legolas had an entire conversation with him about the migratory flight patterns of the swallow. Legolas argued that a coconut could not be carried from the shores of Valinor to the depths of Mirkwood while Thaniel countered that one could tie a string between two swallows. Part of the conversation went like this:

Legolas: --What? A swallow carrying a coconut?--
Thaniel: --It could grip it by the husk!--
Legolas: --It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.--
Thaniel: --Well it doesn't matter.--
Legolas: --Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?--
Thaniel: --Please!--
Legolas: --Am I right?--
Thaniel: --Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?--
Legolas: --No, they'd have to have it on a line.--
Thaniel: --Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!--
Legolas: --What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?--
Thaniel: --Well, why not?--

So that was most of the conversation, but it was time well spent, on Thaniel's part. Legolas, on the other hand, begged to differ. He had other things on his mind besides swallows; he had promised Shawn a maiden, and he was going to get him one before he forgot everything he knew (which was bound to happen considering that whole memory gap thing). And him prime target: Lanfeir, the maiden whom he and Thaniel had both fallen for all those years ago, and whom had tried to kiss him, and whom had dated Thaniel…and didn't seem the best candidate for an already taken human. But, nothing bad would happen! No, Lanfeir was more respectable than that! Legolas hoped…

After his visit with Thaniel that morning, he made his way through the palace and out to the rest of the surrounding realm. Lanfeir lived not far from the palace, being a noble's daughter and all. He took the time to admire the beauty of the forest on his way. He was lucky enough to escape without a guard; then again, Mirkwood was nothing like Gondor or Rohan. There was a freedom in the forest that no Elf could deny. You didn't need protection. The forest protected you. Homes were built around and above the trees. Gardens weren't planted in rows, but allowed to grow of their own accord. And a bee stung Legolas. Stupid bee.

--Might I help you with that wound?-- said a sultry voice. Legolas turned his head to where the voice had come from and realized he had arrived at his destination. There was only one person with that voice and perfect body.

--Lanfeir, how do you do, my lady?-- he said, bowing and kissing her extended hand. She giggled with delight. Oh the giggling. The deafening giggling. Now Legolas realized why he did not want this Elf. Her giggle was obnoxiously loud and trying-to-be-sexy-but-not-really-working. Still grasping his hand, and a quick circumspection to make sure no one was near, she pulled him close to her chest and into a breath-taking hug. Legolas gulped in some air, a little surprised by Lanfeir's sudden obtrusiveness.

--Oh, Legolas, how I miss the days when we would elope after fencing and archery training all those years ago…-- she let out a deep sigh and, if it was possible as it seemed, squeezed him tighter and closer to her now bulging cleavage. Legolas kept his gaze elsewhere – look! A bee! Ouch.

--My Lord! You have been wounded, please, let me assist you!-- WHOA! Hand on the butt region! When did an Elf, an Elf Noble become bloodthirsty like Chloe and Nina??

Legolas finally managed to place his hands on her stomach and gently – as gently as a hot sex god could – push Lanfeir away from him. --My lady! What is wrong with you!?!--

She gave him a sultry smile, and advanced once again towards our sort of young hero who is almost three thousand years old – so for a fangirl to bed him, would it be considered rape or not if they were under eighteen? – and said, --Nothing has ever been wrong with me, my Lord, if one had paid attention when I tried winning you over.--

--So…you've always been like this?-- Legolas was backed against a tree now. Why was it that no one seemed to be around when women pawned over him? And why was it that he had to be such a decent fellow as to not become a sex god?

--Yes, I have.-- Her finger stroked the outline of his jawbone. --Only up until now, I was the one chasing after you…-- She twirled around and walked back towards her looming residence. --What have you come here for, since I assume it was not for my love?--

Legolas took a moment to arrange himself. With all the strength he could muster, he told her of the funny-eyed human who was occupying the castle, who was also all the rage of Mirkwood gossip. When she was told Shawn was from another world, she practically fell head over heels. Another world? Besides Middle Earth?? And there were handsome, funny-eyed, dreamy humans there? Yup, there were indeed. Well, she would just have to meet Shawn now. Just what Legolas wanted! Now he didn't have to tell her how he promised her a maiden.

--So would you like a date with him?-- Legolas asked nonchalantly.

Her eyes beamed at that, but a sudden wave of suspicion dawned on her. Legolas wouldn't offer her a date with his friend. He had nearly died when Thaniel told him they were together. And Thaniel was like Legolas's brother. --What makes you think I want to go on a date with him?--

This caught Legolas off guard. He was sure she'd jump at the chance. --Well, why not? I mean, he's a decent guy! I think you'd like him!--

--And I think there's something you're not telling me…what is it??-- Legolas backed up to a tree again. Fun fun!

--You're silence speaks for itself. Goodbye Prince Legolas.-- She started walking back to her door. Legolas chased after her.

--No! Wait! Please!--

--On one condition: no boundaries. None.--

Legolas couldn't refuse; he had no other maidens to go to…well that wouldn't tell anyone about Shawn. As much of a…what was the English word for it? Slut, yes, slut, that Lanfeir was, she could at least be trusted. And with that, Legolas and Lanfeir shook hands. --Agreed.--

Shawn was having a good dream. One of those dreams where you've woken up, fallen back asleep, and are half awake, half asleep so you know what you're dreaming dreams. And damn, was Nina skilled with the tongue. Ooh, yea, like that, keep going baby! Hey, wait a minute…what was that slurping noise?? Shawn opened his eyes to a familiar scene since his arrival in Middle Earth: Thaniel kneeling at his bed, and of course, sucking his neck. OW! That would definitely leave a hickey. Joy.

Screw it. Nothing I do will ever change the fate of those with pretty eyes. And so, even though Shawn knew Thaniel saw he was awake, he just laid there and stared out the window. Thaniel, being a pervert who thrived on the thrashing about of his victims, saw that Shawn had apparently given up and was accepting his fate as Thaniel's play…toy…thing, and Thaniel pouted. But what the hell, he continued to suck on Shawn's neck, just as Legolas walked in.

Gasp! --Thaniel! What are you doing??-- Thaniel gave a quirky smile, then shrugged.

--Nothing I do gets a rise. It's no fun anymore.--

--Well that's good to hear.-- Legolas walked over to the side of Shawn's bed. "Shawn, do you remember our bargain the other day, when I promised you a date with a maiden?"

Shawn sat up as Thaniel took a chair on the other side of the room, teasing Norbert the evil eyed squirrel. What a nice squirrely. "Yep, I remember that. Why?"

"Well, I have found you such a maiden, and have arranged for a meeting between the two of you tonight!" Legolas looked so proud of himself, and Shawn was horrified.

"What do you mean you hooked me up with some chick?!? I have a girlfriend, Legolas!! You actually went out behind my back to get some three thousand and something year old wench to spend the night with me?? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?" Nina's gonna kill me if she finds out! Shit shit shit shit shit…

Legolas jumped back at his reaction, "Shawn! I thought it would be okay. Besides, Nina will not find out, and nothing is going to happen. She is a very nice, noble Elf who would not do something you did not want her to do." You keep telling yourself that, Legolas.

"But, I, what if? Maybe? Oh what the hell." Shawn sighed in defeat. "Where are we going?"

"I was thinking the garden outside the palace. It is beautiful this time of year, and there are many creeks that run through it."

"What do creeks have to do with anything?"

"There are bridges."

"And what the hell do bridges have to do with anything?"

"…"

"That's what I thought. Now show me to the kitchen. I need food."

--Thaniel, run! Shawn's going to cook again!!-- And with that, Legolas and Thaniel fled the room, Shawn tailing their wake. Norbert banged his head against the steal bars.

I have never felt gayer in my entire life. Shawn was wearing the typical leggings, which felt awfully like stockings that little school girls wear before they discover nylons; the difference between the two baffled Shawn. But he had found some nifty outfits in Legolas's closet when he was getting ready for the date. One of them was decked out with golden lacings around the color, a blue sort of tunic for the body, along with leaf stitching, in gold again, along the arms. And tanish-white leggings/pants of course. Those were the only ones he could fit into. But after deciding that blue was most definitely NOT his color, he saw a spare green long robe thing, sort of what Legolas wore at the Council of Elrond, and decided that that would cover as much of the hideous leggings as possible.

When Shawn asked Legolas where he could take a shower, Legolas replied, "Shower? That hot waterfall in the, what was it called, bathroom, of your home?"

"Yep, that'd be a shower. So where is it?"

"Shawn," said Legolas reproachfully. "We do not have showers in Middle Earth. We have baths. And," with a smile, "we have hot baths in the palace!"

"Great…"

And so Shawn took his first bath since he was seven. He almost wished he had a rubber ducky so he could sing the rubber ducky song that Ernie sings on Sesame Street. Rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bath time lots of fun! Rubber ducky, I am very fond of you – ooh, boo boo bee doo. At least, that was his version of the song. After a shower, and realizing that he couldn't blow dry his hair – it was long! It wasn't his fault he had to blow dry it! – he brushed his hair and put his outfit on. And his boots. Can't forget the boots. Those were cool boots. And the knife that Thaniel had given him. Never go anywhere in Middle Earth without a knife. And Chloe's camera. Might as well get some pictures while I'm at it. For posterity. He took a few of Legolas and Thaniel together just to make sure it was working. Hooray! It was!

And off on the date we go.

Legolas led Shawn to the outskirts of the garden, where a terrace formed the entrance. Lanfeir was waiting there, as Legolas had told her earlier on, and Thaniel was trailing behind, to keep Legolas company while Legolas made sure nothing bad happened. Thaniel spotted Lanfeir and almost had a heart attack.

--Legolas! What's Shawn doing with Lanfeir!?!--

--…They have a date…Remember when I said I promised him a maiden?-- Man, was everyone getting angry at Legolas these days.

--But she's taken!!--

--WHAT?!?! BY WHO?!?!--

--Shhh! I want to hear this!-- Shawn was about to introduce himself as…himself.

He took Lanfeir's hand and kissed it, "My name is Shawn Star, it's a pleasure to meet you." Turn on the suave. I am so good at this. No wonder Nina loves me!

Lanfeir gave a little bow. "Amin Lanfeir, sut naa lle umien?" (I am Lanfeir, how are you doing?)

"Lanfeir? That chick who Legolas and Thaniel sort of scored with??" Lanfeir, hearing Thaniel and Legolas's names, nodded. Wow, he hooked me up with a skank. Oh well.

He took out his camera. "This is a camera. CAM-ER-A. You take pictures with it like this!" Snap! "And you see it on the screen like this!" Shawn showed Lanfeir the screen.

"Ed' i'ear ar'elenea!" (Wow!)

Uh huh, well, this date is going to be interesting! They entered the secret garden with Thaniel and Legolas right on their tails. The garden was beautiful, full of flowers that Shawn had never seen…then again, Shawn wasn't exactly a florist who knew every single thing. He could point out a rose and some wild flowers, but that was about it. He decided to take some pictures while he was at it. Lanfeir and him began talking on their way around what seemed like a labyrinth of walls of flowers. While neither knew what each other were saying, Shawn thought they were having splendid conversation.

"This flower matches the color of your eyes," said Shawn, placing it behind her Elven ear. Lanfeir smiled seductively at him.

--I will bed you tonight!--

"I'll take that as a thank you…I wish I knew what you were saying to me. This would be much easier."

--One day, we will have five children, and they will all be girls whom we can dote upon.--

"I mean, Chloe was able to translate between me and Legolas, why couldn't he translate for me on a date?"

--The sex will be wonderful every night.--

"It doesn't make any sense. But still, you're a gorgeous lady…Elf…"

--And we can go for walks, naked of course, through the many fields of Mirkwood.--

"And well, hey look! A creek!!" Shawn pointed to the bridge that signified the exit of the flower labyrinth. Legolas and Thaniel were cracking up at the lack of understanding between the human and Elf.

Shawn took Lanfeir's hand and led her to the bridge above the creek. There was a break in the surrounding trees, letting shine the many stars of Middle Earth. No city lights out in the forest, though there were some flickering specks in the castle, not too far away. Shawn supposed there were many candles lit. They stopped when they reached the peak of the bridge. Thaniel and Legolas stood behind a wall of flowers that was still in hearing distance, a very long distance for an Elf.

Thaniel whispered to Legolas, as to not make aware to Lanfeir that they were following the duo. --Should I pants Shawn?--

Legolas suppressed a laugh. --Not yet, let's wait and see what happens…though I bet best arrow that he isn't wearing anything underneath those leggings. Humans are very strange creatures!--

It had been nearly and hour since Shawn had met Lanfeir. She seemed very nice, and very beautiful. HOT PIECE OF ASS!! But he knew that his heart was for one girl only, though his testosterone said otherwise. Damn you testosterone!! Coming to that conclusion, Shawn released Lanfeir's hand and faced her.

"I've had a wonderful night, but I don't think this is going to work out." He paused, and in this chance, Lanfeir grabbed his hand again. Huh? Hand grabbing? Whatever…I'll just get this done and over with. Then I can find my way back to the palace, go to bed, and figure out in the morning how I can get home, seeing as how Legolas's letter to Gandalf will never arrive. "For one thing, I have no idea what you're saying, and I don't feel like learning Sindarin. (Nina would make me talk to her on the phone in Elvish – don't really want to.) And I already have a girlfriend. But thank you for joining me this evening…" He had the feeling Lanfeir wasn't listening. She had this weird glint in her eye, and she was slowly coming closer to him, and moving his hand places he really didn't want to go.

"Umm, excuse me? What are you doing??"

"Shhh," she said into his ear. "Dina. Tessa amin." (Be silent. Hold me.)

And all in a moment, she was kissing him and groping wherever she could. Shawn bravely fought, but against a trained Mirkwood warrior, he was no match.

Shawn wasn't the only one gasping for breath when this happened. Both Legolas and Thaniel had jaw dropped and eyes bulging from their faces. Legolas was at a loss for words. Thaniel, on the other hand…

--GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!-- Thaniel yelled and charged where the two were eloping. He had no idea that Shawn was trying to dismantle himself from Thaniel's now known lover.

--Lanfeir is taken by…Thaniel??-- Legolas said to himself. After a moment's hesitation, he ran after Thaniel.

Shawn saw the pervert that was Thaniel coming before Lanfeir did. He ripped them apart and pushed Lanfeir behind him. She gasped when she saw his enraged form. --You stay away from my lady!--

Legolas was soon to follow and stood in front of Shawn to protect him, since he had no idea what Thaniel was yelling at him about. --Thaniel! He didn't know that Lanfeir was with you! I didn't know either!! You heard what Lanfeir said anyway, she was the one who made the move on Shawn, not Shawn himself! He has a girlfriend back in his world!--

--And you would still set these two up? That's low, Legolas. That's wrong and you know it.--

Thaniel took Lanfeir and headed from the palace grounds, no doubt back to her house. Legolas sighed and began taking Shawn back through the garden.

Shawn wasn't quiet for long. "Legolas, what the hell was all that about?"

It took Legolas a second to work up the courage to tell Shawn. "That was Thaniel's lover. I did not know they were still seeing each other."

"WHAT?!?! You set me, who has a girlfriend, up with a girl who is already taken?!?"

Legolas spun around on Shawn. "I did not know! And you decided to go out with a girl, and then to go out with this girl. So do not put all the blame on me!"

"LEGOLAS YOU NEVER SAID IT WAS LANFEIR!" Shouted Shawn, who stalked away, determined to find his own way back. Legolas held his rage in. It was mostly his fault, and now two people who he cared for, one for his entire life, and one for about a month, were angry at him. What a fine mess he put himself in.

Unbeknown to any of our heroes, a certain black squirrel was watching from the window of Shawn's room. The despondent Legolas headed back towards the foyer to head in for the night, currently friendless. He squeaked his pleasure, and glared his eyes at Legolas.

"Excellent."

tbc…

Responses to Reviews:

WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Malfoy is going to be a great actor, I think. A hott one too. Yes, hot with two t's. And we're close in age, WOO!! I wonder if he's taken?

Nina: Yeaaa, Norbert talks. He is a cute little bugger. I love that word – bugger. Anyway, yea, and doughnuts are like, the male thing to eat, well at least for people who drink coffee. I don't like coffee. But I like doughnuts. Do you like doughnuts? lol

Lolly: Thaniel likes girls too, as shown by this chapter. I like imagining him sweaty too :P This squirrel is Sauron, huh? MY LIPS ARE SEALED! And, you want to get raped by…Shawn?? Why the hell not. I guess I can loan him to you, on Wednesdays!

Das Blume: For a bucket of chicken wings about now, Shawn would do the YMCA in the sexy suspenders in front of Thaniel. OooO Black squirrelys! I want one as a pet. They'd be so cool, climbing everywhere…pooping everywhere…nevermind. Running around crying "BRING ELVEN ROPE" would increase the tourism to watching you running around screaming "BRING ELVEN ROPE." I don't think many people would come for the squirrels as they would a crazy person running around.

Kitten: Oh no, another one that thinks Norbert is Sauron. MY LIPS ARE SEALED! And Thaniel's not evil. Evil in his own perverted ways, yes, but not like, take over the world evil.

lolly pop3: You were eating an apple when you read this? Apples are good. But why not try the doughnut? Join Nina in our doughnut eating escapade! (Nina the reviewer, not Nina the character!) :P

Lily of the Shadow: Norbert's becoming the favorite character of a lot of people. I can't blame them. Soft, evil, cuddly things often become the stars of the show.

tehehehe: Norbert sort of just…evolved from long deliberation of either a squirrel or a spider. I hate spiders, so squirrel it was! Well, Shawn's went ON a date with someone else, does that count as dating? Thanks for the review! Yours made me get off my lazy ass!!

Sorry this took so long guys! Summer reading, boyfriend, being lazy in general add up to a lack of updates. But I want to finish this fic by…the end of September the latest. Two more chapters to go! Yay! Leave some loving and updating comes quicker!! :)