Title: Felis Domesticatus vs Canis Lupus
Alternate title: Of Cats and Dogs
Rating: T (for swearing and lewd comments, cattishness)
Authoress: Rena Kaerutsukai
Summary: The cursed Defense Against the Dark Arts position has been refilled again, this time by a young woman. She does something that no other holder of this position has done, though: goes to the only available previous DADA professor for advice. That ex-professor is Remus John Lupin, who thinks that the new professor is a bit off her rocker. But they may just have more in common than he thinks. (implied SBRL)
Chapter 4: Feeding the Ducks
Remus and Felicia talked about various things as they walked deep into Muggle London, into St. James Park to the duck pond.
"It must be great living so close to the locations in Good Omens." Felicia said, tossing some bread out to the hungry ducks.
"Oh, I don't live anywhere near here." Remus said. "I live out in the country, near a forest." He threw the rest of his bread to the ducks.
"How quaint!" Felicia exclaimed, pitching the rest of her bread to the ducks as well. "It must be so peaceful, all alone out in the English countryside."
"Yes, I suppose." Remus said, his gaze turning outward, toward something far away.
"But it is kind of sad that you do live alone." Felicia said, tucking her snowy hair behind her ear. She turned toward Remus, a soft smile on her face. "I'm surprised." She turned and walked over to a park bench. Remus followed, after a moment.
"What are you surprised about?" He asked, sitting next to her.
"You're an attractive man, Remus." Felicia said softly. "You can't rightfully tell me that there's been no one." She said, not consciously trying to flirt with him. She would have been, but as it was previously stated, he reeked of dog. Call her shallow, but this wasn't just the scent of someone who spent a lot of time with dogs. He almost smelled like he spent a lot of time as a dog. And the cat in her reeled when she smelled it.
"There was, once." Remus said, almost to himself. Felicia decided not to pry: it sounded almost like Remus was unaware that he had even spoken aloud. She looked down at her feet. Remus came out of his sad trance, looking over at her.
"I understand that you had almost straight O's on your O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s." He started. "And you were especially adept at Defense Against the Dark Arts."
"Good enough to be an Auror," Felicia said, green eyes sparkling. "If it weren't for my horrible marks in Potions, I would have been. In the States, we go by a different testing system. They're still called O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, but we take them in third and fifth years instead of fifth and seventh."
"And then seventh year? No studying?" Felicia looked amused and slightly horrified as well.
"In seventh year, or Satanic Seventh as it was called, was the doozy of all tests. The test to end all tests, the test that determined not just whether or not you graduated, but also what it was possible to do with your life. If you only passed narrowly, it was believed, you might as well just off yourself then. And if you didn't pass...well, that was just something that no one liked to think about."
"How strange," Remus remarked. "And this...hellish test, if you will, what was it called?"
"The C.A.T.," Felicia said, in the hushed tone of voice that you used while telling a horror story to small children. "Or, Cruelly Administered Torture, as we liked to call it."
"Oh, yes, I've heard of the C.A.T. Truly, it didn't sound near as awful as when you described it." Remus mused.
"Yeah, well, I've just never liked tests. I always did well, except in Potions, but sometimes I just froze. And during the C.A.T.s, everyone in the school gathers for the climactic tasks, one for most subjects, but two for Defense." Felicia said. "I've always thought that the 'C' stood for Character, because during the tasks, everyone sees something that really no one else but the person should see."
"Oh? And what's that?"
"Everyone in the school sees the girl's greatest fear, courtesy of the Boggart that she has to face." Felicia said. "And her Patronus as well, though that's not quite as bad."
"That does sound horrible." Remus said, thankful for the fact that he had never been forced to take the C.A.T.s. As he played in his mind the scene that would have likely unfolded if everyone knew that his Boggart was a full moon, Felicia took advantage of his inattention to wander over to the lake and hunt for something like a child who likes to wander off. A frantic squeaking from the thrushes got her attention, and she walked over, pushed away the reeds, and gasped.
A dead female duck floated limply in the water, obviously dead due to the bite wounds in its neck. Something under its wing was apparently making the squeaking noise, and Felicia lifted the rigid appendage to find a duckling, practically newly hatched.
"Oh, how awful! Did you lose your mama, little fella?" She asked, squatting down next to the clump of thrushes and cupping the duckling in her hands. It shook itself, quacking softly, nuzzling against her thumb. Remus, his sensitive hearing picking up on Felicia's voice and snapping him out of his trance, walked over, bending down to examine the little creature. Felicia was oblivious to his presence, concentrated as she was on the baby duck in her hands.
"It'll be okay. I'll be your new mommy now, alright?" The little gold and black duckling quacked happily, spreading its flightless, downy wings.
"Now what should I name you? Oh! Hm...no...I got it! How about Pepper?" The duckling cocked its head, quacking curiously.
"Ah yes, naming the orphaned duckling after the female best friend of the Antichrist." Remus piped up amusedly.
"Well it's better than Dog, which was my first thought." Felicia laughed. Remus chuckled.
"Because a furry little duckling reminds you so much of a satanic hellhound and cat worrier," he said with only a slight bit of sarcasm.
"Fine then, what do you suggest?"
"Well, since I do believe that it's a male duckling, perhaps Warlock?" Remus suggested.
"It's perfect!" Felicia squealed. The newly-named Warlock hopped up and down, sensing the excitement. "Whatcha think, Warlock?" Felicia realized the double-meaning of the name. Not only was Warlock the name of the supposed Antichrist in Good Omens, but also the commonly accepted (except in the Wizarding community) name for wizards. Felicia stood, still holding Warlock.
"Where to now?" She asked.
"Well, you should likely check in at Hogwarts," Remus said. "To make arrangements for the rest of the summer, and such."
"Yeah, you're right. Can Warlock come?"
"There doesn't seem to be a plausible reason why not." Remus said. Felicia nodded, slipping Warlock into the deep pocket of her navy blue coat. She adjusted her wand holster, the likes of which Remus had never seen before, and he wondered what the purpose of such an apparatus was, when a pocket worked just as well.
"I'm going to fly, just so I can know the way there." Felicia said, pulling what looked like a twig out of her pocket.
"If the way is a difficulty, I would be more than happy to take you." Remus said.
"Great idea, Remus!" She enlarged the twig, which was in fact her prized broom. It floated in the air, and she sat on it sidesaddle.
"Well, are you coming?" She asked.
"This wasn't exactly what I meant, Felicia," Remus started. "When I said that I'd take you, I meant that we could Apparate to Hogsmeade and walk to Hogwarts from there."
"I've actually never been much for Side-Alonging, actually, and I don't want to be a burden. Besides, I think Warlock will like this more," Felicia said, taking the duckling out of her pocket. She looked at it, a mock expression of exasperation on her face. "Your new Daddy's being contrary, isn't he Warlock?" She asked. The duckling looked from Felicia to Remus, and cocked its head.
"I'm not being contrary," Remus said. "Is it so horrible to dislike flying?" Felicia looked scandalized, and she gasped.
"You don't like flying!" She asked. "No, Warlock, don't listen! It's too awful!" She cupped a hand over the duckling's head.
"No, I don't."
"Just get on, I'll go slow." Felicia said with a sigh, putting Warlock back in her pocket. She flicked her wand holster and muttered a warming charm on her pocket. Remus still didn't get on.
"Don't make me 'Accio' you onto this broomstick, Remus Lupin." Felicia said warningly.
Bit forward now, isn't she? A small part of Remus' mind sniped. Nonetheless, her threat did the trick. Reluctantly, Remus straddled the broomstick, adjusting for comfort.
"Help me cast disillusion before any Muggles see." Remus drew his wand, and Felicia took hers out too. Together they cast a Disillusionment Charm over themselves and the broom, and Felicia reholstered her wand.
"Hold on tight." She said. Remus had all of three seconds to react, before they shot straight upwards. Once they stopped, Remus made a face of extreme discomfort.
"Oh, sorry, forgot that the downward pull of vertical ascent was uncomfortable for guys. Well, that and I keep forgetting to refresh the cushioning charm." Remus just gave her a look. Likely this look would have been accompanied by a gesture of one sort or another, but Remus was too afraid to release his white-knuckled death grip on the broom handle, now that they were sitting easily 100 meters in the air.
"Where to, Remus?" Felicia asked amiably.
"Northwest, toward Edinburgh. I assume you know where that is?" Felicia shook her head. Remus sighed, looked around to get his bearings, gingerly took one hand from the broom handle, and pointed for a split second before an almost magnetic, violent force (that force being fear) drew his hand back to the broom. Felicia laughed.
"Right then, off we go!" She said, and the broom seemed to react to her thought. Remus, not having a discerning eye for brooms, didn't have any idea as to what kind of broom it was. Until it went 0 to 150 in ten seconds, that is. Then he had a pretty good guess.
And so it was that the witch, the wizard, and Warlock set off toward Hogwarts on the two and a half hour broom ride that just might drive poor Remus over the edge.