Title: Felis Domesticatus vs Canis Lupus
Alternate title: Of Cats and Dogs
Rating: T (for swearing and lewd comments, cattishness)
Authoress: Rena Kaerutsukai
Summary: The cursed Defense Against the Dark Arts position has been refilled again, this time by a young woman. She does something that no other holder of this position has done, though: goes to the only available previous DADA professor for advice. That ex-professor is Remus John Lupin, who thinks that the new professor is a bit off her rocker. But they may just have more in common than he thinks. (implied SBRL)
Chapter 5: We're Off to See the Assistant Headmistress!
Over the past half an hour of straight flying, Remus was quickly learning just what his phobias were, and the list was certainly growing. Why, there were four phobias that he had hardly even known that he had that had come up in the past thirty minutes of pulling 150 miles per hour toward Edinburgh. Those four phobias were aeroacrophobia (fear of open, high places), pteromerhanophobia (fear of flying!), tachophobia (fear of speed), and gynephobia (fear of women, though really that only applied to the one sitting in front of him). So far, he had only tightened his grip on the broom handle, while Felicia still sat side-saddle in front of him. Of course, to Remus it seemed that they had been traveling for well over four hours. Things tend to take forever when you have not one, not two, but four phobias concerning that one action.
Felicia, for her part, was enjoying herself immensely, singing songs to pass the time.
"The bristles of the broom go swish swish swish, swish swish swish, swish swish swish! The bristles of the broom go swish swish swish, all through the toooown!" Eventually, her creativity gave out on her, and she looked briefly behind her, grinning devilishly at the thoroughly traumatized Remus.
"The Remus on the broom goes-" here, the back of the broom wiggled of its own accord, and Remus shrieked. Not quite like a little girl, but almost. "-ALL THROUGH THE TOOOOOOWN!" Felicia laughed. Remus glared.
"That wasn't nice. In fact, that was downright sodding evil." Remus growled.
"Lighten up, you party pooper." Felicia said.
"Oh, I'm a party pooper because you decided to scare me? Is that it?" Remus snarled tersely.
"Jeez Louise, I'm sorry, okay? I'll sing a different song." Felicia said. Something told her that it might be unwise to pursue the issue further.
"Oooooh John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name too! Whenever we go out, the people always shout 'There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!'" Felicia sang. Remus suddenly had the urge to bash his head against a brick wall, or a silver...something. But instead, he just sat there, not daring to loosen his death grip on the screaming wooden deathtrap that was the broom that he was currently on, which might even be breaking 200 miles per hour by now.
'Almost there, almost there, almost there,' Remus chanted in his head, eyes squeezed shut. Only...they'd really only gone about a fifth of the way. This was why Apparating had been invented, thought Remus. At least they were on the fastest broom on the market. He couldn't, he wouldn't, he absolutely refused to spend any more time on this broom than was necessary. Not that flying all the way to Hogwarts was necessary, he thought only slightly bitterly.
Two hours later, Remus had fallen into a frightened daze, his grip on the broom loosening only slightly as he thought 'Maybe this isn't so bad after all'. Felicia noticed the huge castle ahead of them and slowed the broom down to an almost Remus-friendly speed.
"Hey Remus, that the place?" She asked.
"Mm-hmm," Remus nodded. "Watch out for that big tree over there."
"Why?" Felicia asked, steering away from it nonetheless. She headed toward the quidditch pitch.
"Because it's a Whomping Willow." Remus explained.
"Oh." Felicia said. A few more minutes of flying, and the broom jerked to an immediate stop. Remus jerked forward, his head banging against Felicia's shoulder blade.
"Hold on."
"What do you think I've been do-" the broom practically fell straight out of the air. "EEEEEEEE!" Remus shrieked, lifting slightly off the broom as it fell. The broom stopped abruptly, and he fell painfully back down onto the non-cushioned broom.
"Oh don't be such a baby." Felicia scolded, hopping off. Remus got off as well, stumbling a little bit before falling to his knees. "Pfft. Drama queen. Come on, you have to show me where to go." She hauled Remus to his feet by the elbow. After she checked to see if Warlock was okay (he was perfectly fine, if a bit ruffled from the flight), Felicia set off with Remus toward the castle, her broom in hand.
They made it through the confusing castle with no difficulty (which really shouldn't have been such a surprise to Felicia, as she figured that Remus had attended this school, after all) and were at the office of the assistant headmistress.
"I'll stay out here," Remus volunteered. Felicia nodded. An older-looking woman opened the door in front of them.
"Oh, Miss Mayfair, I wasn't expecting you quite so soon." She said upon seeing first the white-haired young woman. "Good afternoon, Remus." She said politely after seeing him standing there as well.
"Good afternoon, Professor McGonagall." Remus said.
"Now, Miss Mayfair, if you'll just follow me, there are a few matters we need to discuss." McGonagall said, walking away from her office. Felicia followed. Remus walked off to explore the castle that was so very familiar to him.
"Miss Mayfair, Felicia, I'm afraid that your private quarters haven't quite been set up yet. You were quite specific, after all." Felicia nodded.
"Then what will I do until then?" She asked.
"Your quarters should be finished in a matter of weeks," McGonagall said. "Until then, arrangements can be made for you to stay with another professor."
"Can I stay with Remus?" Felicia asked. She wasn't really comfortable staying with anyone that she didn't know. Not that she knew much about Remus, but he was the closest thing to a friend that she had so far. And as for the full moon in a couple of weeks, surely Remus had a cellar or a shed where she could stay.
"I'm not sure if that's wise," McGonagall said cautiously. Felicia assumed that she meant because they were opposite genders.
"It's not like we're going to do anything; I mean, we just met." Felicia said in her indignant "you don't know anything you old bat" voice.
"I'm sure you're perfectly responsible," McGonagall said.
"Then what's the problem?" Felicia asked.
"Perhaps that's better discussed with Remus present," the older woman dodged. Felicia nodded.
"Is there anything else you needed to talk to me about?" She asked. McGonagall stopped in front of a door.
"This door leads to your classroom. Off of it is your office, and through a portrait of your choosing will be your private quarters, once they are finished." McGonagall said. Felicia opened the door and walked in.
"Whoa, cool!" She exclaimed in awe. Warlock quacked from her pocket, and she took him out.
"Miss Mayfair, is that a-a duck?" McGonagall stammered in shock.
"Yep, his name is Warlock." Felicia said proudly.
"And just what are you doing with a duck?"
"You've never heard of duckmail?"
"No, no I don't think I have."
"I had a pet duck back in the states named Elphaba. My friend had a duck named Fiyero. We'd send our ducks back and forth with messages, and no one even knew that we were corresponding. No one suspects a duck." Felicia said with a wink. "And they're low-maintenance, too."
"I see," McGonagall said, clearing her throat. "Ahem. Well then, shall we continue our tour?" She led Felicia around Hogwarts, and they came to the Great Hall at around dinnertime. They ran into Remus, who had been exploring.
"Now then, I'm sure that the two of you must be hungry. Shall we finish up with dinner?" McGonagall clapped her hands, and a house-elf appeared.
"Would you bring something for the professors and me?" She asked. The elf nodded and disappeared. A few minutes later, food appeared in front of them on the staff table. Felicia poked at the dish, looking slightly afraid of it.
"It's only shepherd's pie, Felicia." Remus said. "It won't kill you." As if to demonstrate, he took a bite. Felicia took a bite and then, finding that she liked shepherd's pie, took another bite. The three ate in companionable silence, until their plates were empty. The plates magically vanished.
"So, Remus, my room won't be done for a few weeks. Is it alright if I stay with you 'til then?" Felicia asked sweetly. Warlock waddled across the table to stare, head cocked, at Remus.
"Professor McGonagall suggested that I stay with another professor, but I don't think anyone else would take kindly to Warlock."
"I suppose it would be alright," Remus said at length, somewhat reluctantly. "But there's one thing that you have to promise to do."
"Yes, yes anything." Felicia said.
"You mustn't go near the shed, no matter what." Remus said, utmost seriousness in his voice. Felicia nodded.
"Right, no shed," she said.
"Then it's settled. I'll send an owl when her quarters are finished." McGonagall said. "Thank you, Remus." At that moment, dessert appeared. It was different for each person: chocolate mousse for Remus, vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup for Felicia, and a treacle tart for McGonagall. Dessert, like dinner, was eaten in silence. After dessert, the dishes disappeared and the three stood.
"It was nice meeting you in person, Professor." Felicia said. "Remus and I have a long flight back."
"No," Remus said. "No, no, a thousand times no! I absolutely refuse to get back on that infernal badly-cushioned wooden deathtrap with you again!"
"It was only a two and a half hour flight!" Felicia argued.
"It seemed twice that long," Remus retorted.
"Fine, fine, we won't fly. But I refuse to Side-Along."
"We're going to Apparate from Hogsmeade." Remus said finally.
"No, we're not, because I refuse to Side-Along."
"You made me do something that I didn't want to do today." Remus pointed out. Felicia scowled, knowing that the wizard had a point.
"It was lovely seeing you. I'll see you, Felicia, in a matter of weeks." McGonagall said, waving them off.
"Good bye, Professor McGonagall." They waved back, walking out of the castle toward Hogsmeade. Everything was closed in the wizarding village, so Remus just took Felicia by the arm, and before she could protest, Apparated them both to his house.