Chapter 12:

Severus Snape was unattractive, unpopular, unfunny, uninteresting, unkind, un-… you get my point. So it was no surprise that Severus Snape did not have a date to today's 7th year dance. To show you just how lame Severus truly is let's just say that when Borgus had assigned a 5-page essay on the Wolfsbane Potion, Severus had almost wetted himself from excitement and had enjoyed writing it so much that his essay was 11 pages long.

At that moment, this unloved soul was eating breakfast alone and wondering if he could ask Professor Borgus for extra Potions homework when he received a timid tap on the shoulder. Snape turned to see a frightened looking first year Gryffindor. "What?" he barked cruelly, sneering as the kid visibly shook.

"I'm suppose to give this to you," said the small boy, handing Severus a letter.

Before Severus could ask who it was from the boy took off. Severus opened the envelope to reveal a crumpled up, hastily written note. It read:

Snape,

I know that you don't like me and I'm positive that I loathe you, but I think we should come together through a mutual hatred of a certain over-confident asshole named Sirius Black. I have a plan that would make tonight a living hell for him and a cause for celebration for the two of us. So before you go to Borgus and do some major ass-kissing by asking for extra homework meet me at the large willow tree at 11 o'clock this afternoon where I can fill you in on the plan in detail. Don't let anyone see you.

Audra Brooks

P.S. Swallow this note.

"Honestly," said Snape aloud, "Swallow the note. Isn't that a bit much?"

However, as he said this he caught a glance from Audra who was sitting at the Gryffindor table with Remus Lupin. She mouthed to him 'swallow it,' and without further ado Snape shoved the whole paper in his mouth and began to chew. A few people caught him doing this and snickered. Avery Nott, who was not exactly a friend of Snape's but an acquaintance, said with a sarcastic edge to his voice, "You know Snape you don't have to eat paper. That's why people have food."

An Hour Later:

Lily and Audra were sitting on James' bed in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey had been with him all night trying to cure him of the lamentable disease called love. She looked disheveled and tired, leaning on the bedpost with the look of utmost defeat.

Lily concernedly looked at James who was fitfully sleeping. As James tossed once again crying out "Gigi!" with great agony Lily turned towards Madame Pomfrey, "Are you sure you tried everything?"

Madame Pomfrey, looking slightly offended replied emphatically, "Everything. I even had Professor Borgus here." Then after a small pause, "I must say that Borgus was not very helpful. I almost felt like he preferred Potter in this state. He was rather jolly when he realized that Potter wouldn't be able to turn up for classes."

Audra sighed, "Figures." She then gave Lily a small pat on the back. "I'm sure he'll be back to normal before the dance. And if not he may still go with you, if you promise to have a threesome with him and 'Gigi' that is."

"That's really gross."

Madame Pomfrey then interrupted this disturbing thought. "It is possible that James has been given a rather complicated love potion but it would have taken an extremely brainy student to make it."

"What's so complicated about it?" asked Lily.

"Well, it takes two weeks to make and it calls for very rare ingredients and it expires within two days after the two weeks it was made."

"Have you tried that cure?"

"That's the thing. The only way it can be cured is if the original potion maker makes the antidote, because he or she must put in a bit of their hair and speak the exact words that they spoke at the same time that they spoke them when they made the love potion."

Audra snorted, "You weren't kidding when you said it was complicated."

Madame Pomfrey sniffed, "So hopefully that's not what the person used." She then left to check on her other patients.

Lily smiled. "I bet that's what they used."

"Oh, and you're smiling because…?"

"It narrows down who could've done it." Lily's smile broadened. "It'd take someone extremely pissed off at James to make that potion, and that person would have to be very smart to be able to not only create it but to even think of it."

Audra sighed, "Lily, James has pissed off a lot of people over the years through his pranks. Practically every Slytherin would love to poison James."

"Exactly."

"I'm afraid I'm not following."

"Why would a Slytherin who had the opportunity to poison James decide on a love potion that would make him have a strong sexual attraction to Filch?"

"Because it'd be funny."

"NO! Don't you think they'd choose something more sinister?"

"Oh, yeah," said Audra, the truth dawning on her.

"And it couldn't be Sirius because he wasn't angry until the day of the match. Plus James is his best friend."

"So who do you think it was?"

"Someone James would trust not to poison him if he accepted drink or food from them. And since the affects sink in almost immediately there's only a small time in which the person could've given it to James before the match."

"But anyone could've snuck by and slipped something into his drink at breakfast."

"He didn't eat breakfast. After you and Sirius fought James followed Sirius back to the dorm."

"So Sirius would've been there if James took food from anyone," said Audra victoriously.

"Yeah. And they'd have to have the Gryffindor password to get into the Common Room to the dorm," said Lily with finality. "So all we have to do is see if Sirius saw anyone give James' something to eat and drink."

"For fuck's sake Lily! You are the sharpest knife in the drawer! The brightest star in the galaxy. The-"

"That's enough. Let's find Sirius."

"Right."

And with that this brilliant duo went to search for Sirius and …some answers. Dun, Dun, DUN!

Lily and Audra found Sirius valiantly trying to find a date. Lily ran over to him, "Sirius I need to talk to you."

Sirius excused himself to a few giggly 6th year Ravenclaws. Once he was out of earshot he snapped, "What do you want?" Then spotting Audra, "There's no fucking way I'm getting back together with Audra. You tell her that."

"Like she'd want to. It's about James."

"Oh yeah. I was with him all morning. How is he?" Sirius said this with sincere concern.

Lily smiled; sometimes Sirius could be so sweet. "We think we've found a way to cure him of his, well, problem. Did you see James' eat or drink anything before the Quidditch match yesterday?"

"Yeah, Midge brought James breakfast. He didn't even offer me some."

"Really?" said Lily.

"Yeah, I thought it was rude too."

But Lily had already took off towards Audra who was standing at the other end of the room staring daggers at Sirius and the girls he had been flirting with. Audra turned her attention to Lily, "Well, who was it?"

"Midge Grundy."

At Approximately 10:30 That Same Morning:

James was sitting up in bed with a mixed look of self-loathing, disgust, and pain. Sadly, he could remember every single detail of his one-day tryst with Argus Filch. He left everyone with a horrific visual image when he told them that after the game Filch comforted him in his private office with a candlelit dinner and they sung Christine Aguilera's "Beautiful." Then they choreographed a dance to "You Sexy Thing." James refused to be very specific about the dance steps simply saying that Mrs. Norris had an important role as a dominatrix. The night ended in tight hot pink spandex for James. Apparently, it was a dream of Filch's to do a Richard Simmons' video with the one he loved. So James learned to dance along with a peppy gay man who listened to lame music and had obvious pride in his inner thighs, which he constantly flashed through out the video. James knew that he was going to have nightmares where "Everyone's doing great!"

Shortly after this Audra left, saying she had some business to attend to, and Lily and James were alone. James smiled gratefully, gathering Lily in his arms and kissing her, "You are so amazing."

Lily laughed. "Well, I heard you are great at the tango, and I didn't want to miss out."

James grinned, "You heard correctly. I am a superb tango dancer. But you'll have to wait until tonight to see it." Then, kissing her on the nose, "Tell me how you figured out it was Midge who had a desire to change my sexual preference."

Lily sat on his lap and told him about her deductive reasoning, and how when her and Audra confronted Midge she broke down and admitted to making the potion…"So Midge came down here right away and made the antidote. We got you to take it by telling you it would make you look like Richard Simmons' identical twin."

"I wanted to look like Richard Simmons?"

"Yep. He was your idol. Anyway Midge went to Dumbledore's office with McGonagall and we haven't seen her since."

"You are brilliant."

"Of course I am. That's why you love me so much." Lily blushed as she said this, "I mean that's well, um, why you like me so much."

James rubbed her shoulders gently. "I think you were right the first time."

Lily turned towards him, their eyes inches away from each other; slowly she began to kiss him. Her lips caressing his.

"U-U-Imm." Madame Pomfrey stood their hands on hips. "Do you think we can arrange some sort of schedule so I don't have to constantly find you two at it?"

Meanwhile:

Severus was waiting under the large willow tree. He glances at his watch; it's 10:58. He then sees Audra approaching at a light jog. Though it was against his instincts to come here he was curious to see what Audra had planned. She was rather clever, and with that in mind tonight, if he decided to go along with whatever her idea was, would be interesting. By now Audra had approached him. She had a maniacal gleam in her eyes, "This was my idea…"

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Sorry, you're going to have to wait until the dance to find out Audra's idea but I'm sure many of you have guessed it by now. Anyway, next chapter is the long awaited "Prom." Let's just say that it's a hilarious chapter, or at least I think so. Anyway, after the last chapter I noticed that I only got a few reviews. I was heartbroken to say the least. So please, if you take the time to read the story, can't you review? Please, I beg of you, review. Finally, thanks to everyone who has reviewed.  Peace Out.