Find the Way
(A one-shot, songfic.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed or any of the characters. I also don't own this song, which is the beautiful ending song for the series, or the translation, which is the official one for that. I don't claim anything here except for the actual writing. ( Please enjoy, and don't sue me. I love you.) The bolded, italicized bits are the parts of the song, which I did cut out one small part of because I didn't want to use it.
He had finally lost control of himself once and for all. There would be no cooling him down this time around. There was only one person who had ever able to do that. And now he was dead, gone in a flicker, vanished in a moment. Yzak hadn't seen it, but it had to be true. MIA? Ha…that was just as good as KIA.
Why do you with your tiny hands…
Try to carry all of the hurt?
It isn't just for someone else…
Please don't lose sight of it.
He locked himself in the quarters that they had shared. They had always been together, since even before the academy and their graduation in Elite Reds. It had always been Dearka and Yzak, Yzak and Dearka, side by side and always completely in tune. The others had been there too, but…it was different with him. Why had it ended this way? Why was it now only Yzak?
Tears had come into his eyes, and Yzak hated himself for believing that they would be eternal. Crying like that for a stupid bastard like Dearka? He didn't have to go and get himself killed like that! Not right after Nicol, not after he…not after he promised…. He hated Dearka for not getting away, for not retreating like he promised he would. That bastard KNEW better! He did! Killed by Naturals, on their fucking "pure blue planet." How dare they….
Why…did he have to die?
Why is it that I, while wandering
can't seem to escape?
Wishing for a Guiding Light
A light…a light…
He twisted his hair in his fists, tearing some of the delicate white strands away. Fighting to control his feelings. Fighting to understand his feelings. Yzak's fingers shook tremulously, sliding down his own face and touching the liquid escaping his eyes. So much death was all around him now. Death was looming over him as he stood here, Her skeletal arms embracing him like he was destined for Her. He had never noticed Her there; he had never noticed Her because he had never been alone before. Rusty, Miguel, Nicol…
And now Dearka, who had shielded Her from his sight.
Find the way
in the shining sky although our hands can't seem to reach
Rely on our echoing love
because at the end of the path you'll find the light
You'll find the way
With blurry vision, he looked over at his friend's bunk that was still perfectly made from the night before. And the night before that. Perhaps, tomorrow there would be a bag full of his belongings resting at the foot of the bed. It would be one carrier, one pathetic memorial to someone that was more than just his uniform, his clothes, and his hairbrush. He had been more than that, definitely.
What am I thinking? He lied to me. That's all… Yzak pressed his fingertips to his eyelids firmly, trying to get a grip on himself. He was being smothered by his own sobs, that wouldn't seem to subside no matter what thoughts he had. Besides, wasn't he lying to himself about his own sentiments?
Why did I let myself get that close to you? Did I really…was I really stupid enough to…
I've had an unhappy vision…
It was a long dream…
But what I saw wasn't a lie…
He moved to the bedding, stroking over the pillows with his fingertips. Did these ever rest beneath Dearka's head? Lifting one of them, he smiled a little and pressed his face to its soft surface. The cushion smelled exactly like him, like strands of sunlight and carefully positioned cologne. Funny how he used to hate when Dearka sprayed that stuff in his room. He would have loved for him to do it now, just once.
Slowly, he lowered the pillow back into its place on the bunk and followed it down. "It's a hole," he murmured, burying his face into the sheets. "It's a hole in my chest where you used to be…" Yzak hadn't meant to cry into the fabric, but he found that he couldn't help it. Such tears…couldn't be helped; they would fall until the cloth was soaked with his sorrow. They would fall until the whole of space became an ocean.
It's all right to cry,
Because I'll stay by your side no matter what.
What I want is a star to reach for…
A star…a star…
He turned his face so that he could breathe freely, his air coming in sobs. The last time he had cried was for Nicol…. That occasion had truly hurt, more than anything he had ever experienced before. It had hurt so much that he couldn't face it; to his shame, Yzak had run away. Literally and emotionally.
…And Dearka followed, chasing him down and making him face the reality that he didn't want to. He shivered, remembering the way he had let his friend hold him close. Just behind his eyes, Yzak could still see the soft gently smiling face; he could recall the memory of his low voice whispering warm affirmations and gentle things.
Emptiness filled him up as he thought of the kind manner Dearka took him out of his flight suit and cuddled him. They had shared their first and only kiss that day. It had been sweet, chaste. Full of love that had always been mutual, but never before spoken.
"It's okay to cry…but you don't have to be sad, because I'll be here right next to you forever. It's always been like that, hasn't it? It will always be like that. You'll get to look at my ugly face every day from now on, I promise you. I won't die."
Lower…softer…deeper…
"I love you, Yzak."
Find the way
Even without your wings or understanding
As long as you stand up in this wind
Although you might be the first to be hurt
The tears of pain became cries of rage within an instant at the memory of Dearka's words. He tore at the bedding beneath him mercilessly, with his fists, his nails, his feet. It hurt, it burn like the scar that still soiled his face. Instead, the flame pulsated deep within him, burrowed without any chance of being quenched. Only Dearka had the power to quell him, and now he was….
"You lied to me! How could you? Kuso…There was so much more…!" He collapsed weakly against the now ripped sheets; speckled with blood and bits of broken nail. "So much more that I didn't know…. So much more that I didn't get to let you know." He kissed the reddened pillow softly, calling on the memory of the blonde and his lips. It seemed so far away now, so blurry….
"I'll have to become ice instead of cold fire, won't I Dearka…. To forget this feeling, even a little bit, I'll have to become ice." He smiled distantly, watching tiny carmine droplets joining the myriad of translucent ones already apparent on his hands. "In space, my tears can become ice…in space where everything is eternal. And there…I will kill Naturals for you…kill as many as I can. So they won't get to live their lives out. So their lovers, families, and whoever else can suffer like I'm being made to…. I'll make them all pay."
Lower…softer…deeper…
"I'll…always…love you…"
Find the way
in the shining sky although our hands can't seem to reach
Rely on our echoing love
because at the end of the path you'll find the light
You'll find the way…
"In space, I'll make my way back to you somehow…I'll find the way to you, Dearka…"
Author's Notes: As a fan of the DearkaxYzak pair, I decided to do this fic after I got to read the lyrics for the song. I was so sad after Dearka's defection I could have died, lol. Please read and review. Enjoy. I like feedback, after all.