Chapter 14:

James looked expectantly at the door, and even though he expected Lily to look breathtakingly gorgeous, as she usually does, he was completely knocked out by her radiance.

Lily was now looking expectantly at James.

"Well…do you like it?"

James wondered how he couldn't like it. Lily had on an off the shoulder, white dress that clung to her figure in all the right places. A green sash was tied loosely around her hips. Her hair was curled and was partly held up with by a barrette that held a white rose in place. She had on a jade necklace and earrings that brought out the color in her eyes, and decorative green slippers. James hadn't realized that he had been gaping and he quickly closed his mouth. Even as he tried to reply he had a difficult time forming words.

"You look…" James cleared his throat, "You look…fine. I mean more than fine…"

Audra who had been quietly enjoying James going back to caveman era now decided to help her friend. "In boy language fine means beautiful. Right James?"

James nodded his head dumbly.

Audra grinned. "Well, you two lovebirds have a marvelous time. I have to find my date."

Lily looked at Audra. "Why are you taking shampoo with you?"

"No reason. Later."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If anyone had still been within a close proximity of the dungeons they would have heard an unusual amount of noise coming from their dank, dark quarters. However, the only person who was in hearing distance of the din was Professor Borgus and he had come to the conclusion that Filch and Mrs. Norris were doing something inappropriate in there. For he had come upon them in a rather compromising position in the dungeons before, and the memory had been quite scarring to him.

Memory Begins:

It is midnight. Borgus is preparing for his weekly bubble bath. He is clad in nothing but a lavender towel, and he is holding his matching colored loofah.

Suddenly he heard a startling meow from the dungeons. Forgetting his unusual attire he runs to the dungeons to see what or who is making that screeching racket. He opens the dungeon door to see…Filch doing Mrs. Norris doggie style. Filch turns towards Borgus, quickly covering his bits and pieces. Borgus looks quietly over the scene, final saying…

"Filch, are you wearing a pink thong?"

"No," says Filch, sounding offended, "It's salmon-colored."

Filch then looked shrewdly at Borgus, "Is that a lavender-colored towel around your waist?"

"No," said Borgus, thinking quickly, "It's purple."

Filch and Borgus then look into each other's eyes, both wondering the same question that you are no doubt thinking yourself. Is purple a manlier color than lavender?

Filch then asks, Borgus rather pleadingly, "You'll tell no one of this?"

"No, I won't tell."

"Good," says Filch, snapping his party hat back on his head. He then looks at Borgus once again. "Nice loofah."

Memory Ends.

However, Borgus could have gone in the dungeons now, and though the scene may have disturbed him, it had nothing to do with Filch's promiscuous relationship with Mrs. Norris. This time the scene that was taking place in the dungeons was of an entirely different nature.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Severus Snape screamed again as his head was dunked in a bucket of ice cold water. Once his head was pulled out someone immediately began lathering his hair.

"Ouch. Do you have to dig your nails into my scalp?" asked Snape vehemently.

"No," replied Audra cheerfully, "It just makes this experience a little more enjoyable for me."

"You could have at least have made the water warm."

"It was. But this place is so cold that it was practically frozen by the time I got down here." Audra made a motion towards the surrounding dungeons with her soap-covered hand.

"I don't see why this is necessary," said Snape whiningly.

"It's necessary because I don't want people to be able to say that I went to the dance with a greasy-haired git. I might not be able to fix the git part, but I can fix the greasy hair."

Audra dunked Snape's head into the bucket again, becoming obscurely happy when she heard him yelp. She laughed at the scowl on his face, "At least it smells good. It's Garnier Fructis."

After several more washings Snape's hair was clean and silky. Audra had dressed him in a black tuxedo with a slightly open white shirt and no tie. Though you couldn't exactly call him sexy, he was attractive enough and practically unrecognizable.

Audra cleaned up her own dress, and smiled as Snape peered at himself in the mirror. "Are you ready to piss off a certain someone?"

Snape grinned devilishly, offering his arm to Audra, "I certainly am."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James and Lily had walked to Hogsmeade, and were now sitting together at Felipe Fortescues's Fancy Restaurant. The restaurant had a cozy, warm atmosphere and the low rumble of conversation and the gentle clinking of wine glasses was a nice background to the happy glow that James and Lily radiated.

However, James' stomach was churning. This was his and Lily's first official date. Of course they snogged a lot and ate together, but they'd never had the opportunity to go somewhere outside of Hogwarts as a couple. James wanted this to be a really great evening. Lily interrupted his thoughts when she squeezed his hand.

"James, this is really amazing."

Lily smiled. "We haven't even gone to the dance and I want to say that it's already been one of the happiest evenings of my life."

James looked at Lily, whose eyes were shining brightly. Now was his chance to give her his gift, he fumbled in his pocket for the box. "Oh, I got you something."

He handed Lily the box. "Hmmm…I wonder what it is. It can't be jewelry, can it?"

James sighed, "Okay, so it's not that original, but just open it."

Lily took out a silver bracelet that had on it a simple silver heart. Engraved on the heart was 'Lily and James.'

"James, I love it."

Lily bent over the table and kissed James hard on the lips, moving her tongue between his lips and causing James to moan.

"U-U-Im."

Lily and James parted to see a stern looking waiter staring down at them.

"Your orders please."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was 6:58. The dance was about to begin. Sirius had arrived early, and was looking impatiently at his watch. He figured that James and Lily were off snogging somewhere, but where was Audra? She would not be snogging someone. She would be crying in the corner because she blew it with him, Sirius Black, The King of the Ladies.

Sirius had already gone out with Nicolette. However, since she couldn't have more than one thought in her head at a time, and if that thought were to be at all complex she'd implode, conversation had been nonexistent. But not only could Sirius not talk, which wasn't that big of a deal when he was on a date, he couldn't eat either. That was a big deal for Sirius. Nicolette hadn't

wanted to eat for fear of 'getting a gut.' At the time this hadn't bothered Sirius because he could immediately begin to make out with her, but now his stomach was growling and he felt like he had been fasting for weeks. Sirius suddenly became severely pissed off. He went to look at his watch again, when Nicolette began to tug at his sleeve.

"Sirius it's 7 o'clock. Let's dance."

Sirius had been so lost in thought he hadn't heard the music begin.

"Sure darlin'," he drawled.

As Sirius began to walk towards the dance floor he heard a ringing laugh that he knew fairly well. He quickly turned to see Audra entering the Great Hall. Sirius' jaw dropped to the floor. A girl that was sobbing her heart out after a bad breakup didn't look like that. Audra had a short, clingy blue green dress on that showed off her legs. Sirius had always thought she had nice legs. Her hair was up, with soft blonde ringlets framing her face. She had on blue high heels that made her almost as tall as her date. Her date? Sirius stopped staring at Audra long enough to glance at her date. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the room, but he certainly wasn't ugly. Sirius felt, rather eerily, that he should recognize him. Right behind Audra and her date was James and Lily. James was staring at Audra's date like he was about to vomit. Lily simply looked amused. Sirius' reverie was broken once again by Nicolette.

"Sirius, are you coming?" Nicolette then began to pout. "I don't feel like you're paying any attention to me!"

Sirius didn't answer. Audra and her date were coming closer to him, and he was beginning to have any ever-growing ball of rage and disbelief in his stomach.

"Fine! If you won't dance with me I'll find someone who will!"

Sirius was by now so furious he was surprised that he didn't explode. Without thinking he stormed up to Audra.

"This better be someone else, and not who I think it is."

Audra looked at him, her eyes burning, but her voice came out in a falsely sweet falsetto, "And what if it is who you think it is?"

Sirius grabbed Snape by his throat, "Then you're about to go through the rest of this dance single."

Audra quickly took out her wand, "Let him go or else you are about to go through the rest of your life with one testicle."

Sirius grudgingly let him go, knowing that Audra was totally capable of performing such a spell.

Sirius stared daggers at Snape before turning back to Audra, "So," he said in a falsely calm voice, "are you two a couple then?"

"That's for us to know. Now go crawl in a hole and die."

"Ok. Fine. JOLLY FUCKING FINE! I'm…I'm."

Snape said coolly, "…leaving now."

Sirius reeled back his fist to hit Snape in the gut when he felt somebody grab his arm. He looked to see it was James.

"Don't do this Sirius you'll just be kicked out of the dance. Come with me."

Sirius stalked off with James who brought him to the refreshment table. Sirius ruffled his hair restlessly, "Thanks mate."

"No problem."

James handed Sirius a cup of punch. Sirius glanced at the cup, "I'm going to need something stronger than this to get me through tonight."

James grinned wickedly, "Trust me. Drink it."

Sirius laughed and took a large gulp of the punch. "What you'd put in here."

"Lily left me in charge of the punch so I spiked it with firewhiskey. I figured that there's no better way to get the party started."

At that moment Professor McGonagall stepped up from behind them and helped herself to a large cup of punch. She nodded curtly at the two of them and then downed her drink, and took another cupful with her. James and Sirius sniggered. It was definitely going to be an interesting night.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The dance had been going on for one hour. Sirius was drunkenly swaying by the refreshment table, moodily watching Audra laugh as she slow-danced with Snape.

"Bitch," Sirius said quietly to himself, looking for his next female victim. Suddenly his eyes zeroed on to a red-faced McGonagall.

"Bingo."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lily and James were dancing closely near the front of the dance floor. This was one of Lily's favorite songs. She allowed the lyrics to wash over her as she laid her head on James' shoulder.

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

Lily turned her head so that it was facing James' neck. She quietly began to trail kisses up to his jaw line.

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

James looked down at Lily. "Do you want to leave the dance for a few minutes? We can come back later."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

Lily smiled up at James, "I think that's a lovely idea."

They slowly made their way off the dance floor, and walked towards their private quarters, stopping occasionally to kiss in an empty nook. They still could hear the music playing dimly in the background.

It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.

They finally reached their room, and James opened the door for Lily and quietly shut it behind them.

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back at the dance a tipsy Dumbledore had stepped on to the stage to give a small speech. "Now is the time," said Dumbledore slurring his words and flourishing his hands wildly, "for my favorite Muggle pastime…karaoke. Do I have any volunteers?"

As Dumbledore was airing his request Sirius was in the corner sweet-talking Professor McGonagall. McGonagall, who was obviously under the influence, was laughing giddily at everything Sirius was saying.

Sirius quickly looked up after Dumbledore had finished talking, and after a few seconds of debating whether they should volunteer their, what they considered beautiful, vocals they stumbled their way on to the stage.

After naming their song to the deejay a familiar beat filled the room.

Sirius began the song in a loud, off key voice.

"If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says
15 miles to the..."

Here McGonagall begins to sing, while gyrating rather scarily to the music, "Love Shack! Love Shack yeah
I'm headin' down the Atlanta highway,
lookin' for the love getaway
Heading for the love getaway, love getaway…"

Obviously spurred on by the lyrics the two began to smack each other's asses and Sirius threw off his shirt in what, he deemed, a sexy fashion.

Sirius begins to point wildly at his balls as he sings, "I got me a car,

it's as big as a whale
and we're headin' on down
To the Love Shack
I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20
So hurry up and bring your jukebox money."

The song continues for a few minutes longer, and everyone in the room is staring concernedly at an exuberant Sirius and McGonagall, who began to hump each other at the 'Bang, Bang' part of the song. However, they were not concerned for the two people on stage but for their own sanity, wondering if they were to be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives. One student went as far as to try to take his eyes out with a spoon so that he no longer had to suffer from the image of McGonagall and Sirius making out on stage. Luckily, Professor Flitwick was able to stop the student just in the nick of time. But we have a more important situation on our hands. We must wonder about Sirius' sexuality. Earlier this year he was smacking James on the ass, and now he's not only smacking McGonagall's ass but also he's humping her too. Hmmm…Tricky, Very Tricky.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Audra and Snape had been dancing enthusiastically to the music until Sirius and McGonagall began their 'Karaoke Horror Show.' Then, they, like everyone else, became horribly transfixed by the disgusting view taking place, wanting to turn away but finding themselves unable to.

However, as the song ended, with McGonagall shouting "Tits!" and flashing everyone in the room, Sirius seemed to finally come back to reality. And after staring at McGonagall's sagging, wrinkly breasts for a few seconds he ran from the room with his hand over his mouth as if to keep himself from puking.

Audra and Snape looked at each other wickedly before running after Sirius.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sirius ran out of the room towards the front door of Hogwarts, where he began to vomit repeatedly. Snape and Audra quickly ran behind the bushes to see what was to occur next. Soon Sirius finished his business and sat dejectedly on the front steps.

Remus had come in shortly after Sirius and sat next to him on the steps. "So…that was…interesting."

"Yeah, well…Audra shouldn't have gone to the dance with that greasy-haired git."

"Actually, his hair looked silky and smooth to me."

Here Audra looked proudly at Snape, mouthing 'Told you.'

Sirius looked at Remus disbelievingly. "Whose side are you on?"

"Yours, yours, of course."

"I just wanted to, you know, make her jealous."

Remus tried hard to smile. "Well, making out with McGonagall was certainly the way to go."

Sirius sighed, ruffling his hair gloomily, "Let's go back inside."

As Sirius and Remus got up to go back to the dance, Audra turned to Snape. "Our plan is going perfectly. Up high, player!"

But Snape was staring at Audra strangely, looking straight into her eyes with a mixed expression on his face.

"Hello…Snape?" Audra was snapping her fingers in front of his face.

Without warning Snape grabbed Audra by the back of the neck smashing his lips hard against hers, and forcing his tongue into her mouth.

Audra felt paralyzed, then without warning it hit her. She was kissing Severus Snape. EW! She pushed him back with her hands. Snape let go of her, laughing softly and breathing hard.

Audra was shaking with anger, "Why you-you bastard!"

She slapped him hard across the face, causing a large welt. Then without looking at Snape again she took off towards her dorm room.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lily knocked softly on Audra's door. When her and James had returned to the dance Lily saw Snape standing stiffly by the refreshment table, with a red hand mark across his face. Figuring that that was from Audra she quickly made her way to Gryffindor common room.

"Audra." she called, "It's Lily."

"Come in."

Lily opened the door, and walked in to the room to see Audra in hysterics.

"Aud, what happened?"

Audra was standing in the middle of the room with Listerine and toothpaste in one hand, and a toothbrush in the other. At the moment she was vigorously brushing her teeth and tongue. Audra spit in the sink.

"Well, my brilliant plan turned out to be not so brilliant."

"Why?"

"Snape kissed me. He pressed his slimy, Slytherin lips on to my lips, and stuck his slimy, Slytherin tongue down my throat."

As Audra said this she gestured dangerously with her toothbrush causing flecks of toothpaste to spatter around the room.

"Was it that bad, Aud."

"Well, that's a stupid question. Of course it was bad. It was HORRIBLE!"

Audra walked quickly towards the mirror, examining her tongue. "I'm probably growing some sort of fungus on my tongue now."

Lily laughed. "You're not growing a fungus on your tongue."

Audra turned towards Lily. "Lily I kissed Severus Snape. I'm lucky if all I get is a fungus problem. I probably have herpes, or something."

Audra poured herself a large cup of Listerine, and gargled it with great vigor.

"So are you and Sirius going to call it even?"

"Yeah, I frenched Snape. He frenched McGonagall. I'd say it's even."

"You're not going to be organizing any more plans with Snape that are going to backfire on your ass?"

"Nope. None."

Lily smiled warmly at Audra. "Do you want to go back downstairs? I think I've made James wait long enough."

Audra nodded. "So…how's your day going?"

Lily began to go into detail about her and James' evening. As the exited the common room they ran into Sirius. Audra moved back to apologize but upon recognizing Sirius she remained silent.

Sirius looked pleadingly at Audra, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Alright."

Lily looked at the two of them. "Well, I'll be at the dance if either of you want me."

Audra looked quickly at Sirius, and then turned her eyes disconcertedly to the ceiling. "So…"

Sirius interrupted Audra, "Look Aud, I'm really sorry."

Audra seemed to gather steam from Sirius' apology. "Damn right your sorry. You ruined my Quidditch match, my 7th year dance, everything that's important to me."

Sirius gaped for a moment before retaliating, "It's not like you're totally innocent. You went to the dance with Snape, you…well…that's enough to really piss me off!"

Audra looked at him angrily, "Oh, so it's all my fault now, is it?"

"Yeah, I'd say it is!"

Audra pushed Sirius roughly, causing him to tumble down the stairs, but as he began to fall Sirius managed to grab Audra's dress, making her fall with him. By the time they hit the last step Audra had fallen on top of Sirius.

Audra moved her body so that she was straddling Sirius, then, before Sirius could say anything further Audra kissed him passionately. Sirius returned the kiss bringing her body closer so that he could feel her body pressing against him. They paused when they heard footsteps coming up behind them.

Audra and Sirius turned to see McGonagall leaning against the wall, her face pale and sweaty. "Ms. Brooks, Mr. Black. I don't want to know."

Audra and Sirius laughed.

Sirius looked at Audra lovingly. "So," said Sirius, kissing her palm tenderly, "do you want to finish the dance together? We still have 30 minutes."

Audra nodded, then felt her hair. "Jesus, I must look like a train wreck!"

Sirius looked at her appraisingly, "I would have to disagree. But maybe this will help."

He gently pulled out her pony holder, causing her hair to come cascading down. "There."

"Maybe I should put your hair over your face to cover your blood hot eyes," said Audra laughingly. "How much punch did you drink?"

"Oh, a cup there, a cup here," he said airily.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James and Lily had begun to dance again, but Lily was keeping a close watch on the door to see if Sirius and Audra had made up.

Upon seeing them enter she gave a long sigh of relief. James turned towards the door too, to see Audra and Sirius enter arm in arm. Sirius winked at James, and they approached James and Lily on the dance floor. After a few more songs Dumbledore announced that this would be the last piece of music to be played. Slowly 'You Shook Me All Night Long' began to play, causing the dance floor to be packed.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James grinned, "That was one hell of a night."

Lily, Audra, and Sirius nodded in agreement. They were sitting around the fire in James and Lily's common area.

Audra sighed, "With all the drama that happened tonight I feel like I'm in a fucking soap opera. I half expect someone to get a sex-change."

At that moment Peter Pettigrew burst through the door, his eyes alight with passion. "I want to be Liza Minneli!"

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This is the longest chapter I've ever written. Wow. I'm tired. So tell me what you think and please REVIEW. I mean really, please review, I updated fairly quickly and I worked quite hard on this chapter. Peace Out. : )