I rested my dark head against the coolness of the pillow. My cheek pressed against the soft cloth that bound the goose feathers and my arm pulled up the expensive blankets over my chilled nightgown covered body. I breathed in the smell of my room and recorded the sweet aroma of perfume, the dusty smell of burning wax, and the pure scent of ink to my memory. This would be the last time I would sleep in my bed of seventeen years.
The thought was more painful than I imagined. Wetness trickled onto the pillow and seeped into the fabric. A shuddering gasp echoed through the still chamber like a scream and I turned my head into the pillow to muffle to sound.
Fear – so deep and thick I thought I was drowning in the syrupy mess – smothered my common sense and caused me to cry out from the pain of my heart being squeezed into two parts.
Calm down, I ordered myself, and slowly my tears subsided. I was afraid, more afraid than any other time in my life, including all the battles I had been in and all the times I had failed to save the life of another with my Gift.
It had been my choice, or so I tried to assure myself as I rolled over to a dry spot on my pillow. That was not entirely the truth and everyone knew it. I had known all my life that I would have an alliance marriage for the good of Tortall. My decision had consisted of the groom.
I remembered with full detail the day my father that told me this was to be my fate. We were in the drawing room, and it had been seven years ago. The room had been a gold color during this time period before my mother decided she hated it and painted it blue a year later. My father, King Jonathan IV of Conté, was resting his head against the head of the white chair. He had survived a long day of what he liked to call "a battle with the nobles," and was trying his best to relax with his family.
My younger brother Jasson was rolling on the floor with Liam in a wrestling game, their laughter becoming louder and louder as the game became more violent. My mother, Queen Thayet the Peerless, scolded them softly and gave them a toy to play with instead. She glanced at my father who was rubbing his temples with exhausted and drawn out movements before deciding to take the younger ones to bed.
I nervously stitched my sampler of the Goddess as a young maiden. I was guiding the black thread through the area of her hair when my hands shook so badly I pricked myself with the needle. Deciding I had waited long enough, I placed the sampler on my lap and cleared my throat. It was not often that only my father was present in the drawing room in the evening.
"Papa?" I finally called softly when he did not respond to my noisy throat.
He glanced down at me wearily and tried to look interested. "Yes, sweetheart?"
"Papa, I've been thinking about this for a long time, and now that it's almost time…" I said, then stopped suddenly. This was harder than I thought. I was too afraid he'd say no. "Well, I want to become a page."
"A what?" The kind smile he had given me when I first began speaking disappeared into his beard.
"A page. You know, so I can become the second female knight," I explained.
"No, I don't think that's a good idea, Kally," my father said with a slight frown.
"Why not?" I answered. My insides started to chip away slowly.
"Kally, no. It's hard work becoming a knight. It's definitely not all fun and games."
"You don't think I can do it? Mama says…"
"I know what your mother tells you," he interrupted me. He sighed as he closed his eyes to rub his temples again. "Kally, I think you can do anything you put yourself to. But I don't think it is in your best interest to be a knight. You'll be the only girl and the boys will be mean to you, sweetheart."
"I don't mind. Really, Papa. I want to be a knight," I said, the blue eyes I inherited from the man before me lighting with earnest.
"No, listen, Kally, it would be much too hard for you." He spent the next hour coming up with as many reasons as he could why I shouldn't or couldn't be a knight.
"But Aunt Alanna did it!" I burst out. I was very close to tears, and my father could see I was near breaking to his wishes.
"Yes, but Alanna's father doesn't have to convince other monarchs to marry her, does he?" he said sharply.
"No…" my face fell. There was never any doubt that a foreign royal husband was to be my fate, and that was a fact I had grown up with. It was my duty to appear marriageable.
"So you see, Kalasin, it just isn't possible. You will not be a page, and I don't want to hear anymore about it. Do you understand me?" His face was filled with ripe anger and his voice was tight and thin.
"Yes, Papa," and I turned and ran from the room.
"Kally," my mother called me as I rushed down the hallway to my room. She and my younger brothers and sister were nestled on Liam's bed and my mother was reading them a book. I stopped and took in the scene of mother caring for her children and I burst into tears.
I had never seen my mother so angry at my father ever when I revealed what had just happened. She tried her best to change his mind and for me to push my dream, but I refused. It was my responsibility to Tortall to marry for an alliance with another country. It was the reason I had been born.
Four years later it did not come as a surprise to my father when I chose Emperor Kaddar of Carthak as my betrothed. It was the best choice for Tortall; Carthak was a very powerful and rich country and an alliance with them was the most beneficial decision for Tortall.
Now my decision caused me to cry myself to sleep. I was not disturbed with my husband to be, for he was a good man, or so I was told. Truthfully, I had no idea. I had seen a painting of him and we shared a letter correspondence, but there are so many faults one cannot confide to paper and paint. Daine and Alanna had assured me he was a good man, but it had been years since they had last seen him, and people change.
I wiped my eyes with the edge of my blanket and sat up against the tapestry on the unyielding stone wall. I stared at the curtains of my four poster bed and smiled sadly at them. They hid my tears from the rest of the world.
More than anything I needed to speak with someone, to tell someone of my fears and worries of never meeting your husband before marrying him, of traveling to a far and foreign land filled with strange customs and traditions, and of not seeing a familiar face to call friend.
What if everything went wrong? What if everyone there hated me? What if my husband cared not for me and was unhappy with his Tortallan bride? My parents could never come visit me nor could I leave to see them ever again, and there were some things I could not trust to letter.
It seemed hopelessly lonely, but deep inside I knew this marriage was important for Tortall. I could not help but fell a twinge of jealousy still. My mother and father married for love, but I was not granted that same luxury, nor was my brother, but Roald turned out to have a steady, if still a little awkward and polite, marriage.
The more I thought about it, the more furious I became. I could never talk about it to anyone because no one would ever understand. My mother had come to Tortall and shortly married my father, yes, but she had Buri and she loved my father and courted him before she married him. She would never understand my feelings, and even if I did inform her of my fears she would then not make me go. That was part of the agreement she made with my father; we would choose our spouse and if one of us was genuinely unhappy about it, he would not force us to go through with it.
So I had no one. No one would understand my feelings about leaving so many wonderful and familiar things behind and to never to return to them. My family and friends would never make the long and arduous journey to see me as often as I wanted, and my father would never leave Tortall. My father, whom I obeying and giving up all I knew for his beloved country would never visit me. My father, who was Tortall.
So, by day I pretended I wanted nothing else than to go to Carthak and marry a complete stranger and live there the rest of my life. By night I cried myself to sleep and worried far into the night about my future life, alone in a strange land.
A/N: As always, Constructive Criticism is appreciated. And yes, I'll get back to my Kimi story soon enough. :) I needed a break, and this idea is very near to my heart and I needed it to get out. Thank you all for reading, and I hoped you enjoyed it.