Chapter Five: Oh Take Me Kuno!

Ranma had anticipated that after school (it was, after all, a school day), Kuno would seek her out before she started to head home with Akane, grab her hand and drag her off to their date. Ranma had thought that Kuno would, like a gentleman, treat her to dinner (only to send the check for it to him later), and then take her to the fair (which was around almost whimsically). There Ranma would work her charms and magic to have Kuno spill his guts (so to speak) so that she (as a he) could make him spill his guts (literarily) the next day. Ranma's "magic" was as potent was ever too, Nabiki had made sure of that when he exchanged a few thousand yen for them.

Nabiki had given Ranma a few small pouches, and the instructions, "The gray packaged ones are the Weak-Will Powder, just mix into his drink, and wait five minutes, then you can pretty much command him to do what you want from a minute to an hour depending how much he's sweating (because this stuff sweats out easily." Then, she had said, "The blue packaged ones are the sleep powder, it'll knock out a cow for a good thirty minutes." She even tried to sell Ranma, "The red packaged ones are an aphrodisiac of incredibly strength, it becomes almost impossible to resist if eaten." But unlike the blue and gray packaged powders, Ranma had no use for the last one. And if everything went accordingly, Ranma could get what he wanted and be out of there in the blink of the eye.

But of course, nothing ever goes according to plan. Instead, like last time, Kuno came to the Tendo household at five in the morning, when Ranma (who slept as a girl due to chronic water-heater problems) was still dreaming merrily about pancakes and Inuyasha's red pants. But unlike last time, Kuno did not burst in through the front door – which had caused Akane, Kasumi, and Nabiki to think him a burglar and attacked him with a mallet, whacked him a skillet, and sold him far too overpriced bandages. This time, Kuno snuck in – which is ironically more burlar-ish than the first time, but Kuno simply claimed it to be yabai (sneaking into a women's bedroom, supposedly, there is something oddly romantic about this act) – and found himself standing heroically and romantically above his sleeping beauty.

Kuno knelt down beside the sleeping girl (being careful not to poke the giant panda nearby with the tips of his kendo swords), and was about to wake her, but upon seeing the look of gentle rest upon her face, decided not to. With his voice a gentle whisper, full of romance and poetry, he whispered into the Pigtailed Girl's ear, "Oh how gentle and cute you seem lying there, surely, your dreams must be filled with none other than I, the handsome Kuno of Furinkan High. Dream of a bit longer, my Pigtailed Goddess, for soon, we shall embark upon our date that will fulfill your dreams."

Ranma stirred slightly – in Kuno's mind – in irrepressible desire (but in reality horror)..

"Oh, how forward you are to beckon for my kiss!" Kuno whispered, "But I cannot blame you, for who can resist my magnificent looks? I will not deny your lips of mine my Pigtailed Goddess!" Kuno bent down.

Now, to the rest of the world, this scene may seem a bit odd. An upperclassman armed with two swords, sneaking into a young girl's room, and while she is still asleep, lean over to dribble over her lips everything from kisses to worse. While it is considered yabai in Japan, it is called molestez in France, condemned as wu dao de in China, and generally found in porno in America. Despite being Japanese, Ranma, awake or not, tended to agree with the other countries. And had anyone else been there at the moment – such as Akane and her mallet, Nodoka with her katana, or even Kasumi with her kitchen knives – Kuno would've found himself being intimate with the butt end of hurt (unless it was Nabiki, who would, no doubt, take pictures of the whole business, and through a series of blackmailing and underground selling, make millions in doujinshi money).

But, no one (except for a large sleeping panda that wouldn't wake unless the sun exploded) was there at the moment (not to mention the room was fairly dark so that even if someone was there, they'd probably miss Kuno), and for a brief moment, as Kuno lips almost closed over the unknowing and helpless Ranma's – the pervert may have gotten away with it!

Fwap!

Ranma's palm slapped against flesh, knocking aside someone's face. With her heart fluttering to her throat, Ranma's eyes snapped open, with a quick scream from her lips.

She just had the most horrid dream. The dream started out pleasant, albeit random, enough – she was sitting with Inuyasha on a patch of grass while dining at a plate of pancakes (which Ranma once saw on a documentary called Breakfast at the White Man's World) – but then, Inuyasha suddenly vanished. Ranma remembered feeling a sense of panic as suddenly she saw in Inuyasha's place was a tentacled beast creature that strangely resembled Kuno. Without knowing why, she was suddenly naked. Scared, she tried to run, but the thing had grabbed her before she could even move, and it drew her in closer and closer towards its horrible tentacled surface.

Fortunately, she woke before the nightmare got stranger and more hideous (not to mention more rated M). But now, in reality, she saw that it seemed no better – Kuno was leaning over her, despite the scant light, she could make out his deviant face, the hotness of his breath moistening against her exposed throat and cheeks. Though sleep had fled from her, Ranma was still beholden by the requiem of nightmare's terror. She clutched her bed sheet tightly to herself, her voice unsteady, her lips quivering as she spoke, "K…Kuno…What are you going to do to me…?"

"My Pigtailed Goddess!" Kuno smiled brightly, unfortunately, the bright smile appeared in the dark to be a malicious smirk, "Here's something for you to remember me by." Kuno's hands shot behind him, and for a wild moment, Ranma pictured Kuno ripping the bed sheet from her hands, then pinning her struggling body helplessly to the floor with his hard and muscular arms.

Consequently, a most girlish scream escaped Ranma's lips.

But the scream was short-lived, as Kuno didn't, in fact, force himself on the Pigtailed Girl (though Kuno certainly wouldn't have minded if I had let it happen). Instead, his hand drew forth a bouquet of fresh roses to the startled girl, his voice calm and oblivious to the thoughts that flowed in Ranma's mind, he said, "For our date, my Pigtailed Goddess."

By now, Ranma had shaken the fuzziness of dreams out of her mind and was herself again. With annoyance glowing about her like cat urine in the night, Ranma shoved Kuno away from hanging over her. "Kuno." She began, trying to keep her voice and fists controlled, "Why did -"

At that moment, the door boomed open. A shadowed figure cloaked with malevolent evil and demonic anger blazed at the doorway. A massive mallet of evil raised above its head, seemingly ready to destroy all life in a blast of sound and fury. Even in the crawling darkness, the figure's eyes, absorbing first Kuno and then Ranma, could be seen aglow with a furious flame, a look of pure evil upon its face.

"Die you perverts!" The battle roar reverberated about the room, the figured charged.

"Ahh! My beautiful Akane!" Kuno stood up; his arms open in a loving embrace, "How much you must love me to come here in such jealousy! But fear not, you'll have a place in my heart! But today, Akane, today my heart must belong to the Pigtailed -" Then he was booted high into the sky.

Akane turned to Ranma, the horrible anger melting away, "Ranma, you weren't…with Kuno…were you?"

Ranma stared blankly at her for a second, and then blanched in disgust, "Why do you even ask?"

Akane didn't reply. She simply looked at Ranma with a touch of gentle compassion, which Ranma couldn't help but find somewhat cute – at least compared with the entire demonic-anger-thing a second ago. But there wasn't time for such thoughts, Ranma must prepare to go on this date with Kuno and pick out his weakness. Then, she'll be able to beat down this stupid pervert for humiliating her like that.

Stupid Kuno!

And so the entire Tendo residence was awakened by the morning cacophony. Ranma went to take a bath in the furoba and Akane left for her morning jog about the neighborhood. Kuno evidently crashed into Nabiki's room (to her annoyance, but the whole affair end up in a good business deal, which was sufficient compensation to Nabiki) and eventually joined the rest of the family at breakfast (cooked by an ever lovable Kasumi). Afterward, Kuno grabbed Ranma's hand and ran off to their date, while secretly being followed by a greedy Nabiki (she claimed she needed to sneak some photographs of Ranma to replace the ones Ranma destroyed) and a concerned Akane (who simply claimed she'd walk the long way to school – though if she did take this particular way to school, she'd have to cross a few oceans).

"Kuno? Where are we headed?"

"The beach, my Pigtailed Goddess!"

"Whaa! But it's spring and it's cold…"

Author's Notes: Phew! Talk about the dirty chapters! When I was writing up this scene, this was a wild moment when I contemplated having Kuno actually do what is only hinted at here….But that idea was tossed out the window next to a chewed piece of bubblegum. On a sadder note, these (somewhat) rapid updates will probably slow down as I'm about to be brutally beaten down by a series of tests that will determine my future (Community College or Ivy League).