How in Avalon did this become so uncomplicated?
Selene curled herself in the oversized chair in his bedroom, dawn scant minutes away. Exhausted, yet unable to sleep, she'd slipped along seven floors of classrooms and offices, opening his door, walking in as if she lived there herself. Over several weeks, this had become a way of life for both of them, silently agreeing to the arrangement. Some nights, she'd leave her tower to find him waiting her in her rooms, others she crept down to the dungeons.
Never once did it occur to either of them to ask the other's permission.
He turned in his sleep, in a manner that had become as familiar as anything she could recall. He only moved when he was close to waking – a habit she herself shared. Hers was force – Galileo made it clear that she preferred her sleep undisturbed, thank you very much. Most times, she wouldn't have thought twice about slipping into the bed with him, the air in the room often chilly. This morning, however, she stopped herself, settling in the wing chair, pulling a spare blanket around her, and watched him sleep.
She loved the moments just before dawn, where she could let her mind wander, thinking about anything and everything imaginable. It was her time, where he would be sleeping, getting those precious last moments of rest, while she would either curl beside him or pull away without feeling obligated to share her thoughts. It was blissful, either way. Comfortable. Safe.
The mornings when she was alone, however, bothered her. They weren't often anymore, but when they occurred, she found herself unable to sleep. It was as if there was a feeling of dread in the air, something she couldn't quite name. It always bothered her, because those moments came without explanation or warning.
And then his eyes the next day, always guarded and hidden. Those were the moments that made her doubt everything. It was as if there was some side to him he would never let her see, some secret he couldn't ever tell. She hated it, even though she understood it all too well.
Severus' eyes opened, the sensation of another person in the room pulling at him, turning in the bed to stare at her, her shoes on the floor beside the chair, her toes peeking out from under the blanket. How she managed to curl up quite like that baffled him. "What the devil are you doing?"
"Thinking."
Some days, she was a complete enigma to him.
"About what?"
Selene searched the room with her eyes, debating with herself.
Do I tell him what I was really thinking? Do I tell him how I hate knowing he still hides from me? Do I ask him where he goes, who he sees, what he does?
The fabricated query came to her lips before she'd answered herself. "Who was she?"
The question came out of nowhere. "Who was who?"
Selene nodded toward a shelf on the wall, tucked away, a crystal vase holding a black rose, almost hidden from view. "The rose. Who was she?"
He glared at her. "You're sitting in my chair in my bedroom wondering who gave me a flower?"
She nodded. He sighed. "This is one of those times where you're not going to allow me to be vague, isn't it?"
Selene gave him a look. "With all due respect, no, not really. You made me tell you about Anatoli."
"That's different. You were screaming in your sleep again."
"And you've got a flower in a vase in your bedroom. Doesn't that beg the question?"
Severus groaned, sitting up, rubbing his face. "Can't you ask questions like these when I've had coffee or a shower?" Sighing deeply, he stared across the distance at her, surprising even himself as he gave her the truth, bluntly and without embellishment. "She's someone who I broke a promise to when I was eighteen. And I haven't forgiven myself for it, yet."
"She must have been special, for you to not have forgiven yourself in all these years."
The words physically hurt him as he spoke them, his stomach twisting into the familiar knot. "She was. I didn't deserve her."
Selene closed her eyes, hiding her face behind a curtain of black hair, the question hanging unasked in the air.
Do I deserve you?
Neither could answer that question as long as neither asked it. Instead, in silent agreement, he rose to begin his day and she left for her tower, for what sleep she'd be able to fetch as the sun rose high.
Blood dripped from his hand, the cut deep, seeping through the gauze hastily wrapped around it. There'd been no time to heal it, to do a simple spell, and now he was far too exhausted to light a single candle, let alone stop the blood from trickling to the floor.
This was quickly becoming far more than he'd ever anticipated.
The deed was done, the dominoes were beginning to fall just as Dumbledore wanted. It was his own stupidity that had made him forget about the guardpets that Crabbe had raised over the years. One had gored him, sight unseen. Hence all the damn blood.
There was no moon tonight. Which had made this entire idiotic stunt plausible, in Dumbledore's eyes, but caused one major worry for him. Selene. What does an Astronomer study when clouds cover what little light there is in the sky?
She deserves to know the truth.
I can't tell her, though. I can't tell anyone. I swore…
She'll find out someday. She's not blind.
She doesn't deserve to know. She doesn't need that knowledge. To know what I do…
She doesn't deserve to worry in ignorance, either.
His conscience seemed to be growing louder with every evening spent with Selene.
Groaning, Severus found his way to his bathroom, unwinding his hand, snatching a flask of antiseptic and pouring it liberally over the wound, purple foam closing the cut completely. The sensation was like dipping his hand in boiling salt water, but at least it cured whatever poison was lingering in the wound, and it would heal within hours. With one hand, he worked the clasp of his robes and the buttons on the black frock coat, peeling the sweat-and-blood covered clothing away with a grimace of distaste. Shedding clothing with every step, he entered his bedroom.
And found he wasn't alone.
Wrapped in blankets, Selene slept, the candles in the sconces guttering. Her copy of 'The Iliad' sat on the bedside table, and her body was curled tightly.
Guilt hit him at the sight.
It's not the first time you've found her in your rooms. Besides, how often has she come home to find a similar sight?
But that was different. Selene was always in her tower. Not out of the country, not risking her life, not spying and lying and manipulating others.
Selene never came home bleeding.
Silently, he knelt by the bed, watching her deep, even breathing. In sleep, Selene lost the guardedness that she kept around herself instinctively. There was no fear to smile too wide, to let someone see the fangs, to let her sleeve ride up just a bit too far to show puncture wounds. Even after these weeks, she still winced if he happened to touch the marks, to graze them slightly. She guarded herself completely.
Just as he did himself.
He hated letting his guard down, for letting this woman get to him, under his skin. It worried him, made him acutely aware of his usual loneliness. The very thing that had kept him safe for all these years was also slowly suffocating him, and Selene made him face that realization. There was a quiet strength to her, a calm passion to her words and thoughts, that appealed to him. He hated that. Letting her in meant that someday, she'd find out where he went and what he did on these random nights. Letting her know was more of a risk than he wanted to take. She'd made it clear she wouldn't choose sides. How to tell her he'd made such a choice, just as her brother had? How to not tell her, knowing someday it would inevitably come up?
He brushed aside a lock of hair covering her eyes, the peace of the moment hitting him hard. How rare were such moments in his world.
And as the saying went, all good things must come to an end.
With a heavy sigh, Severus Snape left the woman sleeping in his bed, unable to sleep, his conscience and his own burdens twisting his gut, keeping him wide awake despite the lateness of the hour.
For days, a twisting behind Selene's chest had grown, from a tiny twinge into an undeniable pain. It was as if her heart was trying to tell her something that her mind kept pushing away, denying, refusing to see, hear, or speak aloud for fear that the words would come true. But now, with a warm breeze trying to come over the castle, still dusted with snow from winter's last rout, she finally had no choice but to reflect and determine what was truth and what was not. Otherwise, the twisting would continue, unabated, until it drove her mad.
He was hiding something from her.
Standing on the lookout from her observatory, Selene watched the tops of barren trees move with the wind, blackness barely driven away by moonlight. Her observations were done, and he was likely waiting in her rooms for her, as was customary. But she couldn't face him. Not now, not yet.
What could he be hiding from me?
How are you so sure he's hiding anything?
Empathy. It's not clear, but whenever I'm around him, I just feel an imbalance. A shadow. A darkness behind his words. He's lying, keeping something from me.
He hides from everyone.
It's not the same. He's deliberately holding something from me. Something he doesn't like hiding from me. I can feel the debate inside his mind.
Then you have a choice. Ask him or ignore it.
But it hurts to ignore…
Then you have your answer.
Sighing dramatically, Selene glared into the darkness, stepping back into the tower. Closing doors and windows, she blew out the candles and left the observatory behind, locking the door behind her. With heavy thoughts on her shoulders, she carefully made her way down the winding stone staircase.
Voices in a dark corridor between her observatory and the next floor made her duck behind a stone statue.
"She's already involved, Severus. You can't pretend otherwise."
"Headmaster, you have lectured me for years upon years that I need to move on with my life. I attempt to finally abide by your request, and you insist on dictating how I go about doing so."
"Last I recall, Severus, all I made comment on was that someday, sooner or later, Selene would discover this little secret of yours. Whether she learns from you directly, or some twist of fate, it will happen. Wouldn't you rather control that situation?"
Selene held her breath.
"Selene has enough to cope with, right now." Severus narrowed his eyes, his fists clenched. "You know her beliefs. Morals and ethics. We've both heard her stance on this. I refuse to put her directly in the middle of that quandary."
Dumbledore let out a deep, weighted sigh. "She needs to be swayed…"
A loud thunder came from the normally reserved man. "Then you sway her! I played with one woman's heart. I'll be damned if I ever do it again!"
Silence echoed loudly between the two men. Selene swore her heart beat audibly. Emotions thundered in the air around the two men. Anger. Regret. Respect. Frustration. Rage. Exhaustion. She couldn't separate them all out, and her mind spun rapidly, the air thick with hostility.
"I've tried to sway her. I've tried to bring her to reason. Severus, you know her better than anyone outside of her family. She'll never see reason as long as she believes she's protecting Claudius."
"Then let her live without reason. She's not your puppet. Leave her be."
"I won't let this war end badly."
"Last I understood, it was out of your hands."
Both men stared at each other, neither speaking, before footsteps fell against the staircase, some of the jumbled emotions leaving with the headmaster. Pushing herself away from her hiding place, Selene stepped tentatively from the shadows, her voice shaking. "So, this is your big secret?"
Severus paled. "I had hoped you were still observing."
She shook her head, black locks slipping from the chignon to wisp around her face, shadowing her cheekbones. "I finished early. Thought we could share breakfast. Wasn't aware I would interrupt…"
"You didn't." Severus kept his eyes downcast, hidden, his usual guarded stance surrounding him again. "I never even knew you were there."
Selene took a deep breath. "So. This is what you've been hiding all these weeks. My brother was right about you. You are a traitor to his side."
He groaned, wanting nothing else in the world more than to punch a wall or kick something. "It's not exactly like that."
"I don't care, Severus. You could be a Death Eater or you could not. I. Don't. Care." Selene's sudden vehemence surprised both speaker and listener. "I've told you this before, damn it all. I won't choose, and I won't suddenly hate you just because you have chosen. It's your life, not mine. I don't have the right to be angry with you for doing what you wish."
Severus finally lifted his eyes, searching for her, shadows filling the space behind her. "I had to choose, Selene. If I hadn't…"
Her hand went up, silencing him with the gesture. "I said you don't have to justify it to me, Severus. I meant it." Wearily, she began making her way to her apartment, walking past him.
His hand reached out, catching her arm, causing her to turn and face him. "Don't, Selene."
"Don't what?"
"Don't just walk away like this."
"I'm not, Severus." Selene's patience had found its limit. "Contrary to your belief, the world is not clear-cut, one side or the other. Some people can see past the boundaries and actually make their own decisions. End of story. I'm not angry because you're clearly who I was warned you were. I'm angry you couldn't tell me, that I found out by eavesdropping. So, if this is something you want to keep talking about, you know where to find me."
He stared in shock as she stormed away.
Within minutes, he knocked at her door.
Selene opened the door without a word, wine glass in hand, Galileo growling from the couch.
"I'm sorry."
Silently, she let him in.
The door shut behind him, and with it, the dam keeping the secrets in finally broke. "Your brother was more right than even he knows, Selene. I've been playing both sides since the first war."
Selene's voice carried waves of accusation. "And Dumbledore now wants you to convince me to do the same thing. Play both sides."
Her eyes made him flinch. "I told him I won't."
"So I heard."
"I can't tell you what to do anymore than you can tell me, Selene. Any more than you would tell me how to live."
Her need for answers outweighed her concerns for his privacy. "And if I don't do the same? What if I ran to Claudius right now and told him?"
A long pause was broken by a prolonged breath. "Then I'd be in danger. Claudius would tell the Lord. My life would be over. I don't know if even Dumbledore could save me. Or would. Sacrificing me would be a small price to pay for saving the Order."
Selene blinked her eyes, refusing to allow him to see the tears. "Why? Just…why?"
"Why what?" Fear made the words echo harshly.
"Why did you say what you said? To Dumbledore? About refusing to sway me?"
Relief hit him hard. Of all the questions possible, that was the least of his worries. "Because I won't. You've made it clear that you have your own reasons, very strong ones, for staying neutral. I've seen you after talking to Claudius, or reading a letter from home. I can well imagine what Dumbledore's said to try and make you choose. I won't do it, Selene. I won't break your trust that way."
"Like you broke her trust?"
He felt himself jerk. "Why do you keep bringing her up?"
Selene's voice trembled. "Because you bring her up, Severus. I don't even know her name, and still this memory of a girl you haven't seen since you were eighteen still shadows everything you say or do outside of your classroom. You never talk about her, you never even say her name, and yet I know damn well you think about her constantly. Every time you keep something from me, every time you hide from me, every time you let some tiny secret out, she's there, inside the back of your thoughts. I can feel her, Severus. And I don't care about that. We both have pasts. Circe's breath, we both know Anatoli's memory still keeps me awake at times, just knowing he tried to break me into some unrecognizable, twisted representation of myself. But this girl… she's more. She represents something to you. Something more than I ever will."
She has a point. Several, in fact.
This isn't the best time for a running commentary from the voice in my head.
Severus' voice was almost strangled. "Her name was Desdemona. Or is. For all I know, she's dead. I don't know. But yes, I lied to her. I broke her heart, and her trust, with this damned thing on my arm. And every time Dumbledore asks me to betray your brother and his kind, I pray to every God ever imagined that, somehow, it makes up in some tiny way for what I did to her."
Selene swallowed hard, feeling the barriers fall completely, for the first time not having the twisting of her instincts telling her he hid behind nuance and shaded interpretations. "I'm sorry. I never knew."
"I never told anyone about her."
Selene set the wine glass down, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'll never tell Claudius. All I ask is that you don't push me into a decision."
He nodded. "Fair. But someday, Selene, you may not have a choice."
The words echoed Claudius' far too closely. "I know that. But right now, neither side is right. One side wants to kill all the muggles and the mudbloods and Merlin knows who else. The other side claims to want peace and understanding, but will seek out dark corruption with the zealousness of any dark wizard. I've seen the bad of both worlds, and both sides have logical arguments. My brother is obsessive, but he began walking that path out of familial responsibility and love. I can't condemn that any more can I condemn you for working to undo a lifelong regret."
Severus nodded. "And therein lies the dilemma."
All Selene could do was agree.
As sunrise came, the pair remained at their impasse, still desperate for the other's company, both unsure of what words to next bring to life.