Disclaimer: Guess what, I've got some news for you! Spill it, I don't have all day! You know those characters from that show Law and Order CI, right? As much as you talk about them, if I don't know who they are, something wrong with me! Yeah, well, girl, guess what I heard! What did you, hear? You know that author, Keak Da Sneak, right? Girl, yes! You know that… Do I know what? You know she does not own the characters? Aww, man, you woke me up to tell me that? Moral of the story is: Do not sue me, okie dokie?

A/N: This chapter was extremely difficult for me to write. I had so many ideas running through my head, and I wrote about six of them, but this really stuck out to me. I had a hard time with Kate, because I don't know if what happened is plausible. Her parents are her parents and I really don't know if it's believable. When you all are finished reading, would you please let me know what you honestly thought? Was it believable, does it work? I'm not asking for a book report, but I just want to know what folks thought.

Thanks everybody for the kind reviews and support, I really appreciate it.

-Keak

Kathryn

I remember the dew feeling like wet bugs crawling all over my body. He forgot to bring a blanket, he said he wasn't expecting me. I could see the night receding into dawn and the beauty of it would have fascinated me had he not been there. As I watched the sky turn from violet to a smoky blue, I could feel the metallic taste of fear tickling at my throat. My own sweat made perfect droplets on my lips as I stared straight ahead into the trees, listening to him fumble around. His breath tickled my ear, but I remember resisting the reflex to laugh. I cried instead.

"Don't be afraid, it'll be over before you know it," his lips felt like sandpaper. "This might hurt, but that's natural."

There was nothing natural about it. We he finished he bunched my underwear in his bag; I think it was a backpack. He made me rinse off in the creek while he stood and watched. He helped me get dressed; he kissed my forehead, and gave me a shove in the direction of my grandparent's vacation house. I stumbled most of the way, wincing at times and trying to ignore the blood trickling down my legs at others. Despite the bitter cold, I was still sweating. I was clinching the strings on my pajama bottoms for support, but the waves of nausea were growing frequent. I wanted to stop and rest, but I wasn't supposed to be out in the first place and my grandparents would be getting up soon. I remember not wanting to get in trouble.

I swear I heard the skin tear when I climbed through the window to the guest room that Lindsay, Robby, and I were sharing. Robby's feet had made their way up to Lindsay's chest and his tiny hands were sprawled out across both of her ankles. Lindsay was rubbing her nose and scratching her throat with her tongue in her sleep. I stood and watched them for a while. I drew back, almost as if I'd be slapped, and collapsed on the floor. I told myself it was okay to cry, I even rocked my body and hummed to myself, things my mother used to do when I was upset but too prideful to cry. Neither techniques worked, so I lifted myself into the bed and fell asleep with my head nudged between my sister and the pillow.

"Let's acknowledge Kate for sharing," Erin Douglas smiled and joined the five other women in the applause. I felt her strong hand squeeze my shoulder. "Any questions?"

"How old were you?" A woman named Kristen asked. She fiddled with her nametag and watched me shyly.

"I know I was ten because my baby brother was three."

"Your parents," A redhead named Bryce called out. Unlike Kristen, she had a commanding presence and deep, confident voice. She'd been here before. "They know? I mean, you said they were cops, how didn't they see?"

"I really don't know and trust me, that was my ammunition for the blame I was tossing at them, why didn't they see? I did such a damn good job at hiding it," I laugh bitterly. The tears are pounding at my eyes and I let them fall, something I had to learn to do. "Mom and Dad weren't there when it happened and my grandparents were a lot easier to fool. Since he…uh…well it was anal…it was easier to…uhh…clean and hide. I went out my way to keep it from them and I'm still hiding it."

"You…you…mean you haven't told them? You haven't said anything?" They only Asian woman present, Margaret, asks.

"The guilt would destroy them both! Their workdays revolved around easing their way into the minds of criminals. My Dad could unravel some of the best of them like a braid, he'd find that one strand that held it together and yank it out, and watch as every wall collapsed. He knew them so well it was almost sickening. My Mom was his partner before we were born and she was the one person that could pull him out and keep him at a safe distance from the line. She'd recognize the signs. Now they could see it at work, but they couldn't see their own little girl? I couldn't do that to them and I won't!"

"You're living your life based on an assumption Kathryn," Erin leaned forward in her chair and watched me. "You've made up what your parents would feel as a way of hiding things from them. We're going to break this down, is that okay?"

I just nod; she knows damn well I don't have a choice.

"Tell me what happened, without the assumptions."

"I…I uh…I went down to the creek by my grandparents vacation house during the night to read and I…I…a man had sex with me."

"No," Erin says gently. "He did not have sex with you, Kathryn, he raped you. You can't move forward without being able to admit that. He raped you, can you say that?"

"He…I…I wasn't weak…"

"Of course you weren't Kate! You were ten-years-old and you managed to hobble home, clean yourself up, and for seventeen years pretend that nothing happened, a weak person couldn't possibly do that. Admitting the truth doesn't make you weak, Kathryn, it makes space for new possibilities in your life. Imagine how free you'd feel if that weight in your stomach was lifted. What would you do?"

"I don't know, it's been with me so long."

"Don't sellout, what would you do or how would you feel?"

"I'd…I'd just be."

"Exactamundo," she clapped her hands and grinned. Her brown hair swayed as she waved the huge hunk of yellow chalk she was holding. The room erupted with laughter and understanding. I felt the smile tug at my lips. "You could be you with no strings attached. Your life wouldn't revolve around who knows and who doesn't or how would they feel or would they feel?"

"I guess you could say I'm letting go of being a victim."

"Are you ready to try it again?"

"I…I can…yeah, I am."

"Say it then," Bryce smacked her thigh and nodded.

"I…I was raped."

I jumped at the sound of the applause, but I was so caught up how much difference something so small could make.

"I…I can't go further than that right now," I wrap my index finger around one of my curls. "I'm not ready yet."

"All right then, next week," Erin looked down her watch and gasped. "All right everybody, same time next week?"

I joined the chorus of "yeses" while I dried my eyes and searched for my coat.

"Need a ride home?" Bryce slung her windbreaker over her left arm and leaned against the coat table. "Maybe we can grab a bite."

"Can I take a rain check? Kevin's picking me up today and we're going to lunch."

"All right, give me a call some time then. You did really well today Kate."

I dealt Bryce another smile before making my way out of the room. The click of the door shutting marked the end of my eighth session and for the first time since I enrolled, I felt like I'd gone somewhere. Most of the women acknowledge that just being there marks some sort of progress, but I can't seem to wrap myself around that idea. I mean, yeah, getting me to even think about coming was like pulling teeth, but I still couldn't see how listening to a group of women divulge their experiences would ebb my pain. It some ways I still don't understand. I always knew I wasn't alone and I knew there had been women who'd gone through experiences far worse than my own, but in reality it's still difficult for me to connect with our similarities. None of those women came from a family of cops. I had a laundry list of people I could've told, but I treated the whole thing like an everyday piece of life. My childish mind figured that ignoring it would make it disappear. I could've been helped, I just chose to take everything on myself.

I'd still be handling everything if Kevin hadn't have put his foot down. He was the only person that knew and the only reason he did was because it came sputtering out when he pissed me off one night. I was in what he called "one of my moods", which translated into me ignoring his feeble attempts at coaxing me into sex. I was never one for surprises, since I could always tell when he wanted to lay inside me instead of beside me. I'd always treated sex as an obligation, even before we were married. I'd never slouched on feeding and screwing him because I never knew when the next woman would catch his eye. Despite that, there were some nights where I just couldn't bring myself to do it, especially when he worked up the nerve to ask for anal sex.

"Why not?" he'd asked. He was propped up on one of the couch's armrests, watching me. We'd be married for three months and together for much longer; I knew he could recognize the warning signs of my temper. What killed me was he was not attempting to back off. He reached down to caress my cheek, but I slapped his hand away. "Why are you so afraid to explore new things, Kathryn?"

"Touch me again and you'll wake up dead tomorrow."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked. I watched as he slid off the armrest. He stood at his full height, his eyes beating on me. "Why are you so upset?"

"Leave it alone, Kevin," I sit up and point my finger at him. I'm seething, but my tone remains quiet. "Leave me alone."

"Oh, no," he plops onto the cushion next to me and reaches for my hand, but decides against it and returns his own back to his lap. "Something's going on with you…"

"So something has to be wrong with me because I'm not in the mood for sex, is that what you're saying? I must be crazy because I'm not in the mood?"

"No, that's not what I mean. It's like you've erected this wall up around our sex life and every time I try to climb it--you just push me away. Part of marriage is to being able to learn from and with each other. There are so many things I haven't done that I only want to do with you--"

"Why?" I interrupt. "Because I'm convenient?"

"No, because I feel safe with you," he looked me up and down. "Obviously that feeling isn't mutual."

"I do feel safe with you."

"Then what the hell is it?" he pleaded. "Why won't you try this one new thing with me?"

"Maybe because it isn't new!"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm not trying to say a damn thing. Do you honestly think you're the first man to think anal?"

"Don't be ridiculous," he ran his fingers through his brown hair. He sighed as he watched me. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"It wasn't necessary."

"Wasn't necessary?" he swallowed and shifted his eyes to his hands. "Who was he?"

"I don't know."

"How the hell do you not know!"

"Like this, 'I don't know'."

"You can do it with a complete stranger, but you can't bring yourself to do it with me? You keep playing these games with me and I'm getting sick of tired of having to beg you for pieces of your life. You keep jerking me around and shutting me out with those damned eyes of yours. I really can't handle this, I can't handle you not trusting me."

I let him finish, taking in his every word. His points were valid. We shared many intimate moments during our relationship, but when things got to heavy for my own comfort--I'd hide. I was so afraid that one day I'd feel too comfortable and slip. I was so afraid that Kevin would shy away from me if he knew. I didn't want to be handled with care. I didn't want his pity and I didn't want to hear that alpha male revenge crap. I didn't want to be watched closely and I sure as hell didn't want to be analyzed. Despite all of that, he was really pissing me off. I could feel the anger bubbling in my throat and the heat rising on my ears.

"Did you ever consider that it wasn't exactly my choice?"

His features had softened dramatically, "You…you were raped?"

"What the hell else would you call it?"

"When? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I was ten. It happened at my grandparent's vacation house upstate in Dundee. My parents don't even know," I found myself hugging my knees up to my chest and resting my head sideways on them. "I just figured it would ruin everything."

"Keeping it a secret is what almost ruined everything," he said softly. He took my hand and to his surprise I let him touch me. "I'm glad you told me, Kate."

"So am I."

"Katie why didn't you tell them?"

"Who?"

"Your parents, they had…uh…have a right to know."

"Right? What rights are we talking about here?"

"You don't blame them, do you?"

"No," I wiggled a bit, not making eye contact. "Well not really."

"They didn't know…"

"They should've," I yelled louder than I intended to. Kevin drew back, startled. I couldn't control myself anymore. His arms were around me before I should think to push them away. I felt weightless as I caved into his chest, sobbing and shaking violently. "Why didn't they see, Kevin? Why didn't they just help me?"

"Let it out," he whispered into my hair. "Just get it out."

"Why didn't anybody just help me?"

I know my actions scared him, but he didn't leave my side. There was the silence. My mouth hung open, but sound refused to come. My heart broke into tiny pieces that rose up, plugging my throat, allowing only air to pass through. I tried again when the flashbacks came, but all I could do was scratch at my throat, drawing blood instead of sound. The images ran through my mind until my head ached. Searing hot tears made their way down my hand onto Kevin's starched white shirt. He said nothing the whole time, rocking me back and forth like a colicky baby. Lucky for the both of us, Lillian was spending the night with my parents, so when I finally screamed Kevin only heard.

Kevin never missed a beat. He'd hold me at night when the flashbacks poured over me and wait for the familiar objects of my bedroom to reappear. He wasn't overly gentle, but he was there. He helped me to the shower and turn on the hot water. Some nights he'd hold my hair away from my face while I puked my guts into the toilet. He begged, he bribed, pushed, and fought for me to get help. It wasn't until three months ago that he succeeded. I don't know if I'm cured, the cynical part of me says I can't be, but I have to admit group therapy has alleviated some of the stress in out marriage.

"What do you want to grab? I was thinking we could stop by Lindsay's place?" Kevin asks as soon as I shut the car door. He never asks about my sessions. He says he wants me to be in control of my healing and whenever I was ready, I could tell him.

"Don't you know that distance strengthens bonds?"

"Had enough of your baby sister?"

"You should know how the three of us operate by now. If we see too much of each other, somebody will end up floating in the east river."

"How did your night with the girls go?" Kevin asked, making a quick left at a corner.

"The girls? Robby was there," I punched his arm playfully. "Shut up."

"What?"

"Don't 'what' me. My kid brother's just as manly as you are."

"I don't understand how he can spend hours listening to you and Lindsay chit chat without either drinking himself unconscious or stuffing his face with buffalo wings to reestablish his manhood," when he caught my death glare, he grinned. "No offense."

"Don't knock Robby because he's got experience dealing with strong woman. Besides, I don't duck and cover while you and your friends howl at the television like wolves during Monday night football."

"Yeah, that's because you're too busy cussing out the Jets for getting their asses tossed towards them."

"You must really like the couch."

"Did I hit a nerve?" he poked his lip out. He reached out to stroke my cheek and just as he was about to kiss me, the world came crashing back down on us.

"I don't know where the fuck you come from but in America green means go," an angry soccer mom shouted from the minivan behind us.

"You just can't seem to keep it together when it comes to women," I laughed when the woman speed around us and flipped Kevin the bird.

"You know," he said, glancing down at the digital clock on the dashboard. "We don't exactly have to go to lunch."

"Really?"

"Yup, we can just go on home…"

"What are you thinking?"

"Thoughts."

"Kevin I swear…"

"Do you trust me Kathryn?"

"Kathryn?"

"Do you trust me, Kate?"

"With my life."

"Then just go with the flow."

"The flow, huh? Alrighty then."

As soon as the door opened a wave of lavender tickled out into the hallway and made its way into my nose. Kevin ushered me inside, shut the door, took my purse from my shoulders, and then got down on his knees and took off my shoes.

"You planned this, didn't you?"

"I had some say in it," he winked at me, causing me to giggle. He could never actually wink, the eye he wasn't winking with would close slightly. "And don't laugh at the way I wink, lady."

He'd run a bath for me, lit candles, and had incense burning through out the living room and hallway. I watched him slide his hands up my skirt, pull my underwear down to my thighs and toss them casually on the floor. My skirt joined my underwear and so did my sweater. He held out his hand, which I accepted with a questioning smile, and led me down the hall to the bathroom. He didn't say a word as he helped me into the steaming, fragrant water. He kissed my forehead, stood up and left, softly shutting the door behind him. I fell in love with him all over again.

When he came back thirty minutes later he was holding a towel and my robe. He hung both items on the rack behind the door. I smiled when he kissed my forehead for the second time. He leaned over the side of the tub and whispered against my cheek, "Come on, let's get you out of here."

Jazz playing softly on the stereo, plates containing the remains of homemade garlic pasta, the soft leather of the sofa against our fully clothed bodies as we lay in a warm embrace. I felt comfortable. I stretched out against him and laid my head on his chest.

"How'd you know I was going to need all this?"

"I didn't," he traced my jaw with his ring finger. The coolness of the metal sent chills down my face. "I just figured you could use something to relax you."

"You know just what a woman needs to unwind, you sure you haven't been letting Robby school you?"

"Positive."

"You know, you've got perfect timing…"

"I do, do I?"

I nod, "I admitted it today."

"Admitted what?"

"In group, I admitted I'd been raped."

I could feel the smile spreading across his face, "That's wonderful Kate! I…wow…I'm glad you've finally gotten to a place where you can say that. I'm so proud of you."

"I haven't thanked you…"

"Don't even begin to insult me."

"I'm serious Kevin," I sat up and leaned my weight on his arm. "I really don't know if this will help me in the long run, but it's sure as hell is helping me now. If it weren't for you, I'd probably still be stuck in denial. I'm not great with being sentimental, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate you for pushing me, if even I don't always show it."

"You're very welcome," he leaned up and placed a soft kiss on my lips. He was about to open his mouth to say something, but his cell phone vibrating on the kitchen table forced him to shut his mouth. I listened to him handle whatever and whoever it was. He appeared again, tossing his phone between hands. "I've got to go, they want me in surgery. I love you and I'll always be here to support you, the best way I know how."

"I love you to. You'd better get going."

"Hey, I know I said I'd leave your healing up to you and all, but after a breakthrough like this, maybe you shouldn't be alone. You could try heading over to your parent's place, I know they're home."

"I don't know…"

"I won't force you, but it's a good idea. I just want you to feel safe."

"Okay, okay," I walked over to the phone that made its home on the wall. "I'll go."

"That's my girl," he leaned in and kissed my lips quickly before reaching for the door. "I love you. I'll snatch Lilly up from my parent's place if I have time, but if things get hectic--which they probably will--you might have to go and grab her yourself."

"Okay, now get out of here."

"Hello?" came a deep, groggy voice…at noon?

"Dad? You were still in bed?"

"No, Kate, it's Robby. I think Dad went out to grab some groceries, but he should be back in a sec," he paused a second. "Do I really sound that old?"

"Only when you wake up. Why are you getting up so late anyway?"

"Please don't ask," he sighed. I heard what sounded like 'fuck' in the background. "Look Sis, I gotta run, need me to relay a message to Big Papa?"

"Just tell…uh…Big Papa…that I'm coming on over."

"Will do. Talk to you later."

Great, alone time with my father, what greater joy could be created in my life?

A/N: So yeah, it's about that time. I'm on the fence with this chapter and I short of feel like changing it. Kate's rape separates her from her siblings and gives her a vulnerability. Robby didn't get to personal, Lindsay got into some things but wasn't as open, and Kate jumped head first into what shaped her life. I don't know if that worked, but I really wanted to give her something that really shaped her as a person and how she interacts with the world, something that gives her depth.

Yeah, just let me know how it came across to y'all.