And it was All My Fault
you didn't think it was a oneshot, did you? hah! neeveer! so yeah, i hope you enjoy this chapter. oh, i blame the OoCness on albel being more than a little tipsy when he was helping me write it. nel didn't help much either...she stuck a bell on his head and hit it with a giant mallet. ah well! so yeah, please read this while i try and stop her from killing everyone's favourite skirt-wearing phsyco!
It had been a few days since they had first entered Luther's domain, and since Blair had gone missing, and the group was as lost as always. And, of course, the boys were been boys and refusing to ask for directions. Not that there was anyone to ask, Nel reminded herself. Well, except for the monsters. 'Excuse me, could you direct us to your Creator so we can destroy him and hopefully you lot at the same time?' And 'of course, let me know when you've died so I can sweep your pulpy remains out into outer-space.' Oh yes, that would go so terribly well...
Her eyes fell on Albel's back, and she sighed. She still couldn't get the memory of that time out of her head. And, in truth, she didn't want to. During those precious moment, everything had seemed so...clear. It was amazing, and she didn't want to let go of that. And, despite all semi-violent protests, she had liked it. It had been nice, just sitting there, and probably one of the most intimate moments of Albel's life since...the accident. And before that, talking to him, she had not only helped him, but herself as well. She, too, had been thinking those same things, and because of him, she now understood. And she now knew a little about what went on in that head of his. She hadn't thought anything would scare him. She knew it was foolish, but she did. At first, he had been the murderous nightmare of fairytales, a bloodthirsty warrior frightened of nothing, not even death. And after that, he was the solid rock, fearless in any situation, the quiet mystery that stood guard every night and never slept. But now that theory was almost gone. Last night, she had forced him to sleep, and she had seen the terror in his eyes. He had gone almost reluctantly, and at one point during the night she had heard him crying. She hadn't gone to him, knowing he would only snap at her and push her away, but whispers of fire and death found her ears, and she knew he must've been dreaming about the ceremony. Now that she knew why he never slept, she was beginning to worry that she would find out her rock had almost fully eroded away. She didn't want to lose the only sense of security she had.
Nel bumped into something hard, and was falling when a strong arm caught her before she hit the ground. Blinking confusedly, she stared up into the same eyes that had begun to haunt her dreams. Albel's scowl was murderous, but it softened slightly when he saw who it was.
"Watch where you're going, Zelpher. I can't always be there to catch you when you fall."
She stared up at him, surprised he would say that. Well, until she realized that the others were already well ahead and occupied with the nightly 'Lighting of the Fire Without any Flammable Materials' ritual. A cough tinged with embarrassment drew her gaze back to the swordsman, and then down to his arm, which was still firmly gripping her waist. Strangely, though, she didn't pull away. Instead, her hand found its way to his shoulder and she pulled herself upright. The hand didn't move. Their eyes met, and the world held its breath.
But, as before, they were interrupted, this time with a yell of 'Eurika, I've got it!' followed by a shout from said yeller being burnt. And, as before, Albel was gone, somehow reappearing just behind the group in a matter of seconds.
She sighed. Would it always be like this? Dancing around, gathering brief moments of peace, only to have them scattered by the shouts of Cliff and/or Fayt?
It just wasn't fair. These were perhaps the last moments they would have together. Not only because if Luther died then everyone might, but because even if they survived, once they got back...it would all change. Even if there was the peace treaty, it would still be forbidden. They would go separate ways, and Albel would find some giggling dunce that couldn't tell her left from her right, and would forget all about Nel, all about everything they had ever been through, everything they had done...
She felt her eyes sting, and quickly brushed away hot tears. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair! He couldn't forget, he just couldn't!
"Hey, Nel, you okay?"
She nodded and pushed past Cliff. "I'll take watch tonight."
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She heard it again. The terrified cry, the gasp, the rustle of blankets and the scrape of metal. But this time, she didn't ignore it. She didn't want him to forget.
Picking her way carefully through the sleeping bodies, she made her way to the very outer edge of the crystal-surrounded area. They had chosen this spot because it was protected, and any monsters getting through would have such a hard time and make so much noise that it would wake even the dead. Well, maybe not Adray...
There, sitting up on the bedding furthest away from the group, was a lone figure, illuminated by the quiet glow reflected off of the crystals. He looked...stunning, really. Somehow the light softened the sharp angles of his body, yet at the same time casting dramatic shadows. The blonde tips of his hair seemed white in the glow, contrasting starkly with the black hair and dark clothes. His pale face was tilted towards the crystalline wall, crimson eyes seeing something far away. A silvery tear made its way down delicate features, falling onto the metal of his gauntlet. She stared at it for a while, entranced by the simple beauty, the purity of that tiny droplet.
"Why are you here, Zelpher?"
She jumped, startled by the low voice. How long had he known she was there? "I...I wanted to check on you. You were shouting in your sleep again, and I...was worried."
"I can take care of myself, you know. I'm not a child. I don't need you to hold my hand just because of a nightmare."
She sighed. She should have expected it, really. Albel was just like every other male she had met; stubborn and wanting to impress, never thinking for one moment that perhaps it wasn't so weak to show a little emotion. She turned away, disgusted and disappointed. She didn't know what she had wanted, but it sure as hell wasn't this.
"...But I guess a little company is alright."
She went over to him, sitting herself beside him. "D...do you want to talk about it?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Just talking won't stop them. They'll keep coming back. They always do."
"But maybe if you talk about it, they won't be so bad." She stared at the ground, seeing straight through it into the darkness. It seemed to draw her in, and she shivered. Even now she was afraid of it, afraid that he might be there, watching her, covered in blood...
"I used to have nightmares about my father. He...was gone for so long, and because the...body...was never found, I used to pretend he was on holiday." She laughed sadly, but it soon faded. "It worked, for a while. But then I started getting nightmares about it, seeing him die over and over again in my mind. I imagined him falling off a cliff, seeing the ground rushing up at him, I saw him being torn apart by wild dragons, I saw him imprisoned in the Airyglyph castle dungeons...and at one point I saw you, standing over the corpse, laughing..." She drew her knees up to her chest, waiting for his reaction to that. There was nothing, something she had begun to expect from the captain. "I got so afraid, seeing him die over and over again. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. Because everything I did reminded me of him. I lit thousands of candles in my room to keep away the darkness, scared that the nightmares would come back. I got so irritable, I even shouted at the queen."
She saw him raise an eyebrow at the last one. She looked up at him, meeting his gaze. "Clair saw what was happening and one night just sat me down. She took my hand, looked me in the eye, and slapped me round the head." He chuckled softly, and she smiled. "I'll never forget her words. She said 'Nel, you're being an idiot, and you know it. It must be hard, not even knowing if he's alive or not, but you have to move on. He wouldn't want you to break down like this, you know he wouldn't. You have to move on. If he's dead, we'll find him. If not...well, it's not like you can go back and change the past. It may be hard, but this experience will make you stronger. You have to be able to deal with these things, and you're gonna have to learn soon, because I won't always be around to pull you back up.' She became my best friend after that. And a little while after, the nightmares were gone. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, and ever will, but it was also the most rewarding. I'm stronger, now. And I can accept that yes, he is gone, and I am still here."
She closed her eyes, leaning forwards to rest her head against her knees. She hadn't told anyone about what had happened. Apart from Clair and the queen, Albel was the only one who understood just how messed up her life had been during that year. Everyone else had just thought she was going through her 'that time of the month' stage. Yeah, only it had lasted the whole year. Well, a year and three weeks .
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him raise his hand before letting it fall with a sigh. Yes, he had opened up, but there were still some barriers that held him back. She was surprised to find she was willing him on, praying to whatever gods existed that he would just hold her. But he didn't, because he was Albel. he had to be strong, emotionless, to withdraw himself from everything human.
She did it for him, reaching up and wrapping his arm around her. She had done the same; blocking everyone out, afraid that they would leave her like her father. She still did sometimes. It was just easier than coping with the pain. But right now, she needed physical contact. She needed to be looked after by someone else, to just let go and just be a little girl again.
Albel didn't pull away. Okay, so he didn't shuffle closer or even move, but it was still better than nothing.
His voice was soft, hesitant. "In…in my dreams, it's always the same. There's darkness, nothing but a black abyss, and there's someone calling my name. It's my father, I know it is, even though it's so faint. My hand touches something, and I start screaming – it's a dragon's skull. And then the whole world is engulfed in flames. Burning, twisting, rising higher and higher, consuming everything. And still he calls my name. I try and reach him, but the fire is too strong...then I see him. He's just standing there, watching me with hollow eyes. He shakes his head, and whispers a single word over and over again. 'Why?' And the fires reach him, and he's burning, and he starts screaming. 'Albel, it's your fault! It's all your fault!' Again and again, and he's burning, always burning. And there's nothing left, but he still whispers it. 'It's your fault, Albel. It's all your fault.' And I can never wake up, can never close my eyes or turn away."
She stared at him, scared of how terrible his dreams were. But the worst bit was the emotionless way he spoke. It were as if he were stating a fact, or talking about someone else. It was that same hollowness that had possessed him that day. She had a feeling he was hiding something from her, but she didn't push it. She knew she was lucky to get this much out of him.
They sat in silence for a while, reflecting on their not-so-different pasts. She wondered what had happened to his mother. Hers had died a few days after her father went missing, from heartbreak. Until then, she hadn't thought it possible to miss someone that much.
"Albel...you can't keep blaming yourself for what happened."
"I know that, Zelpher." He sighed. "Doesn't mean I don't, though."
She shuffled closer so she could rest her head against his strong chest, hearing his heart beating, matching hers beat for beat. "Albel, the only way you're going to get rid of the nightmares is if you accept it."
He said nothing, but his arm pulled her closer. "The pain doesn't go, but the nightmares will fade. Besides, I thought you were the big strong man. You can't let a bad dream beat you."
He snarled at the remark. "I won't. Don't talk about things you don't understand."
"I do understand, Albel." Nel was angry now. She had poured her heart out, and he didn't appreciate it! "I've been through it. And it was a hell of a lot worse than yours. How dare you say I don't understand! Apart from you, I've told no one about it! No one, not even Clair! All she knew was that I had nightmares, you're the first to know everything!"
She had become so upset that her voice had raised above the hushed whispers they had previously talked in. He stared at her in shock, stunned into silence. Then, incredibly, he started laughing, and it didn't have the usual malice with it. It was proper belly-laughter, the merry 'ho ho hum'. In fact, he started laughing so hard that he had to stifle it, and started choking and coughing. Angry, she waited before patting him on the back.
"I...I'm sorry," he managed to choke out. "It's just your face. It went as red as your hair!"
She glared at him, and he started sniggering again. "I know what I'll call you! Cerise!"
Nel blinked. "Wha?"
"It means 'cherry'. The blonde ape told me."
"Albel Nox, I refuse to be called a fruit!"
"Why not? It suits you. You look sweet and tasty, but whether or not you're sour or sweet...you never know until you bite." She jumped as he nipped her ear on the last word. It took all her self-control to not scream, slap him, or just melt. In the end, she decided to just sit there and ignore him. But, horror of horrors, she was...blushing. Blushing! She heard him laugh again, and glared at the floor.
"Cerise."
"Jerk."
"Strawberry."
"Chocolate banana."
"I don't know. I like cherries."
She blinked again. Albel was acting...nice. He must really be messed up to be biting his former enemies in such a suggestive way.
Sighing, she stretched. "Well, I guess I'd better go. I've got crystal walls and monsters to look at all night."
The spy stood up, but his hand caught her wrist. "Wait...Nel."
She stopped. Him saying her name like that was more than enough to make her stay.
"Can I...come with you? The...the nightmares...they..."
She nodded, grateful for the company.
He followed her, dancing lightly through the maze of bodies. Nel blinked. She never thought he could move so quietly, or with such grace. She knew he wasn't the clunky type, but...she could understand why people often compared him to a cat. Although, she thought of him more as a wolf than anything. She didn't know why, but it seemed to suit him. a lone wolf, craving company but too proud to ask. They sat down together, Nel on the raised platform and Albel below her, watching for any signs of life. But there was nothing. Only endless silence broken only by the thunderous snores of a certain Adray Lasbard.
"You can't hide forever, you know."
He sighed. "Yeah, I know."
"Sooner or later, you're going to have to sleep. Otherwise, you won't be in tip-top shape to kick Luther around."
His eyes closed. "I haven't properly slept in over nine years. I'm doing fine."
She poked him in the side. "Hey, maybe that's why you've got red eyes. Probably the same reason you're always so grumpy."
He growled mock-angrily and shoved her. "How did you do it? How did you manage to get through it?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. It's all so blurry. I can't remember anything - sleep and food deprivation most likely to blame. I just...knew I had to."
It felt strange, talking to him like this. She had never been able to open up to anyone like this, not even with Clair. Words came easily to her now, it was as natural to talk about her past as breathing. Before, it had only been dire threats that had managed to squeeze anything out, and that was a yes/no answer.
"But he's always burning. always. And I can't wake up. I can't close my eyes, I can't do anything. Just watch. But the worst bit is that it really is my fault. If I hadn't been so arrogant, so stubborn, none of this would have ever happened. If I hadn't been so frightened, I could have pulled him away. If I wasn't such a cowardly fool, I could have died like was meant to."
"But you weren't. You were a fool, a selfish idiot. And you let your father kill himself in your stead. So deal with it. This is your fault, and you have to cope. I can only help you so much, Albel. I can't always be there to hold your hand."
He said nothing, but she saw him tremble. Turning towards her, he pressed his face to her lap. Almost automatically, her hand dropped to stoke his hair, green eyes tender and gentle.
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Cliff watched the pair beneath hooded eyes. He had heard the whole conversation, and before that, he had seen the little moment whilst they were lighting the fire. So far, he had been the only one that had seen it, which was lucky. They needed time, and if the others saw it, especially Roger and Peppita, then time would be something they would not have. He turned over, respecting their privacy, a knowing smile playing across his face. Of course, if nothing happened, then he could finally put into action the greatest – and only – matchmaking plan ever thought of by that Klausians brain: Operation Alnel. Oh, this was going to be fun...
good grief that was long...
hey! cliff's advertising my new fanfiction! horray! anywho, albel and nel are playing nicely now. love potions are truly a wondrous creation, dontcha think? anywho, please review now, and maybe another chapter will be up (it's actually a four-part story!)