UNTITLED HAPPINESS
"Face it Hermione. Things just can't work out between us."
These were the very words that had constantly been echoing throughout my head, day in, day out for the past month. Everyone had thought things would work out between Ron and me, my best friend for just under seven years, and it did. Passion grew and we both shared some intimate moments.
But then it all fell apart.
It was very sudden, but everyone would agree that Ron changed. Some say it was to do with his brother's betrayal over to the dark side, others that everything just got too much for him. But there was no doubt about it. Something had changed, and everything was different.
Curled into a ball on my four-poster bed in the dormitory, I felt a single tear silently rolling down my cheek. Everything down to my existence felt out of place. Ron had removed himself from my life,
Harry, who is like a brother to me, was pre-occupied with his own problems, and mum and dad are dead.
Like many others, my parents had been murdered during the year by Lord Voldemort. He was at the peak of his reign of power, and the world was full of fear. Maybe that's why Harry was so uptight at the moment. He knows that he has to destroy Voldemort soon. Before it's too late.
It seems like everything is crashing for him too. Everyone he seems to be getting close to lately has been swept away from him without a mere goodbye. Ever since my parent's death, he has barely spoken two words to me. I think he's afraid something will happen to me if it did. It burns me to see him like that though. Ginny has done all she can to talk to him, but he wont listen to her either.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. Everything is crumbling; the world is not how it used to be. It is a rare moment to find happiness now. The light has been overrun by the dark, and all the goodness of the world has been overshadowed by the cruel and evil. Muggle-borns are being tortured by death eaters and the dementors, who have now united together. It pains me to think how they were never stopped when the ministry had some control over them. It will not be long until I too am found, but I refuse to flee. Hogwarts is my home, and home should be your sanctuary.
Or at least, it was.
Things were never really the same after Dumbledoor's passing. I had gotten close to Ron then, but as you know, that fell apart. It was also the last time the 'Golden Trio' truly existed as well. First Harry isolates himself, then Ron.
He's still in the castle. Don't get me wrong, but like both Harry and me, he tends to feel that he has to be away from everyone. I see him staring at me almost everyday. It makes me wonder, does he still care about me? It's too hard to imagine such sweet things as care, friendship and even love at a time like this. All are non-existent, at least until a time when light is dominant again. That is why all friendships are broken, all trusts deformed, and all relationships shattered.
How I wish things went back to the way they were. A time where my biggest worry was the upcoming examinations, not whether or not I shall live to see another day. It's not just the threat of Voldemort now; it's the threat of myself. Will I be able to stay a strong Gryffindor and pass through these times? Or will I cave like my body is telling me to. Its times like these where it feels as though life would be much easier if it was non-existent. If I was non-existent. But then, there wouldn't be a life left to live. There wouldn't be Ron.
I just want him to hold me again. Hold me like there was no tomorrow. Hold me like the only beings alive were us.
But that will never happen. I guess I've just lost hope. The goodness of the world is long gone, and it is hard to imagine a time when it actually existed. There is also doubt. I know Harry is feeling it. Doubt that it is infact possible to vanquish Voldemort. Doubt that there is still time to destroy all the Horcruxes, the pieces of the Dark Lords soul. They have to be destroyed before it's too late. Although a couple of them have been found and destroyed since the summer of last year, two still remain. And those two are haunting him like death is haunting me.
Wandering over to the bathroom situated on the far end of the dormitory, I find myself face to face with a mirror. In that mirror I see myself, but it's anything but me. The girl in the mirror is pale, unstable, and on the verge of collapsing. Emptiness fills her eyes, and sorrow her heart. Hair loosely falling down past her shoulders, but has no life to it. No life, like her matching physique… She's dead. Not physically, but at least mentally and emotionally.
Staring at this lifeless body makes me realize. At times like these, a happier image should be prevailed, not one of downheartedness. No wonder Ron broke up with me.
As I washed my face slowly, having no feeling what so ever, I realised what I must do. I slowly opened the bottom right-hand drawer of my cabinet. That is one advantage of being the only 7th year Gryffindor remaining at Hogwarts, is that you get total privacy for your most personal items. And this was definitely personal. No one would ever dream that the perfect Hermione Granger, straight A student, would ever possess such a thing.
Crouching down on my knees, I was able to examine all the contents of the drawer. A brush, an extra tube of toothpaste, a few odd bits and pieces, some makeup, and right in the back, a small maroon coloured box. Placing this particular box on the bathroom counter, I carefully remove the sole object of the container, a blade.
Tears now streaming down my eyes, I take a quick moment to pray for the ones I care about. Ginny, hope she never gives up like I have failed to do. Harry, that he will build up the courage and strength to fulfill his destiny. And Ron. What can one say about Ron? I have to leave it at keeping him safe, and help him get over what I am about to do.
Crouching on the floor, I come to the reality of what I was actually doing. What I was going to do. I couldn't back down now, not when Im this close. Silently I brush the blade across my wrist. The pain is unbearable, but I don't scream. It is the only thing that's real, and what is keeping me going. My head starts to spin, but I continue. Deeper and deeper before proceeding to the other arm.
As I fade out of consciousness, I feel the true extend of what I was doing. The pain that I would put people through. But it was too late to turn back now. Too late to change. I realize that out of everyone, the war had affected me the most. I was no longer the same Hermione Granger. But none of that matters now, im leaving reality on a one way ticket.
Not long now…
Faint memories of the good times flood into my head. Harry first, talking by the crackling fire, laughing at a joke I'll never remember. Then Ron, sharing our first intimacy. Oh how I will miss them both. Its amazing how right at the end of everything, you remember the most precious times of your life, despite how forgotten they may be.
And with that, it's all over.
Nothing was accomplished from her death. It didn't help anyone, but remove a small ounce of pain that resided in herself. Yes, her particular pain was cured, but not that of the people she left in her past life. Her passing greatly influenced all those who cared about her, and nothing was ever the same.
This is dedicated to all those who feel like all is lost. Stay strong and pull through these hard times. Taking your life isn't the way to get a total happy life. Remember, no matter how hard it may be to believe, not all is lost and there is still hope out there for those who wish to take it.