Hi everyone! This is K. P's been doing most of the writing lately, but I'm back! Did you miss me?

Thank you to all of our reviewers. No, this is not going to be a Hermione/ Harry book, sorry mistressmoony2. Any-who on with the story…. If any of you haven't figured out that we're not J.K. Rowling, you have serious issues.

The Scenic Route

The wind was howling, the hallways darkened, all of Hogwarts seemed to be cringing in expectation. It was as though the very stones could sense the coming of the greatest tempest to rock those halls. For Ron Weasley was coming with the first years… And he was not happy.

"How do you actually do magic?" Asked the unsuspecting first year. "You close your eyes veerryy slowly; you wiggle your nose three times, and say 'Abracadabra'". Sadly a few of the "ickle firsties" believed him and tried. One of them in attempting to walk with his eyes closed bumped into a suit of armor. He however did not feel it, but heard the crash as it fell. He opened his eyes and looked around wildly "I did it!" he cried…. Right before he tripped over said suit of armor.

Ron shook his head and wondered if he was ever that gullible, or that short. Another of the little cherubs piped up "What're the teachers like? Are the classes any fun?"

Ron chuckled coldly; he could learn to like this. "McGonagall is half-ogre and eats small kids, but she's very nice once you get to know her, and you're too old to be a decent entrée. Binns is a vengeful spirit come back from the grave to avenge himself on the students by putting them to death (under his breath he adds 'by boredom'). Snape will drink your blood and turn you into one of his undead Slytherin minions. Finally Tonks is a shape shifter who can turn into whatever you're most afraid of."

Ron struggled valiantly not to grin as he watched the looks of horror sent his way. One of them did a strange gesture in which he touched his forehead and then both sides of his upper chest before holding his hands together in front of him. One of the midgets fearfully asked "Mr. Weasley, what did she turn into for you?"

"A nosy first-year"

"Ron! Stop filling their heads with your garbage! If you keep it up, I'll use the bat-bogey hex on you, or worse I'll tell Mum!" An angry Ginny Weasley marched up to her brother, and just when he really had them going to. "You're as bad as the twins. You didn't much like it when you thought you had to wrestle a troll."

Now the firsties were more nervous than before. "Excuse me miss, do we really have to wrestle a troll?"

"Of course you do, for your midterms."

"Ginny! If I can't tell them this stuff, you can't"

"Oh right! I'm not supposed to tell you that, they don't want to give you too much time to get ready. Now, Ron, don't you have to take them to the common room?"

"Fine, spoil my fun then! But expect revenge."

"I'm ever ready for your pitiful curses, brother mine."

"Oh-ho you think so my scrawny sister, dear."

Ginny ends the argument by giving Ron a baleful stare. "Anyway I came to ask where Hermione went. But you wouldn't know would you, because where ever she is she's probably hiding from you." This remark cut noticeable deeper then meant too. And the first year gratefully took their revenge.

"Ron, and Hermione sitting in a tree,

K-I-S-S-I-N-G,

First comes love,

Then comes marriage,

Then comes Ron in a baby carriage.

Peeing his pants, sucking his thumb,

Licking a lollipop as he rolls along!"

Ron turned the wrath of his gaze upon the presumptuous midgets, who were quick to clam up, save for the one who tripped over the armor. This particular midget managed to finish the song until he noticed Ron's pain-promising glare, then he scuttled behind a slightly larger midget. Ron turned to his sister. "She and Harry went up to Dumbledore's office, why, Merlin alone knows. And you're right I still have to get these 'little angels' tucked in their beds. If you'll excuse me, I think we'll take the scenic route."

After about 10 minuets, one of the midgets, Brianna, if Ron recalled, spoke up saying "I don't see anything scenic along this route. I'm tired and I want to go to bed, while you're dragging us all over this castle, because you call a few stupid pictures 'scenic." She walked angrily over to a picture and smashed her tiny fist against it. Much to her dismay, she found her tiny fist became, a tiny fist with teeth marks in it, for she had unwisely chosen a picture with a dog in it. Ron allowed himself to laugh, before answering. "Well Brianna," "It's Brittney, thank you very much." "Well excuuuse me. Anyway, if you want to go to bed so much go. No ones stopping you. Go ahead up to Gryffindor tower, and go to bed."

"But I don't know how to get there! That's the point! It's your job to show us! Not drag us on the knut tour!"

"But it'll be a Knut well spent" said a mysterious voice, from an opening hole in the wall. "Fred! George! What are you two doing here?"

"The better question dear brother is what are you doing here?"

"I'm still a student."

"But as we recall, Gryffindor tower is on the other side of the castle."

"I knew it! I knew you were taking us in the wrong direction" Brittney accused Ron "I want to go to bed! Take me to the tower this instant!"

George replied coolly "Say please."

Brittney turned to him "What did you say?" she asked threateningly

"I didn't stutter. Did I Fred?"

"No, definitely no stuttering going on here. Well except for the other pipsqueaks. What did you do to them Ron?"

"How dare you speak to me in that manner! My father wouldn't stand for it! When he hears about this he will make sure you two are expelled, and that you'll never have a job as long as you live!"

"I'm quivering in my little-"

"-Pink-"

"-Socks. Well, your socks may be pink bro, I prefer vermillion."

"But it does horrible things to my toes, completely spoils the beautiful shade of my nails"

"McGonagall and Filch will never forgive you the things I have brother, but pink socks is beyond even my power to forgive or forget"

"Shut up you two and take me to the common room!"

"My."

"My."

"Someone"

"Needs"

"A slight"

"Attitude"

"Adjustment"

"And I know just the men for the job."

"Okay, you two, shut up and tell me why you're here"

"Well, brother dearest, we came to scout out the new talent."

"Retirement looms and we can't share our secrets with just anyone.

"Unfortunately the flesh of our flesh has proved themselves unworthy."

"Even little Gin-gin, which was such a disappointment to us."

"We had such hopes for her"

"Such Dreams"

"And they have all come to naught"

"Anyway, we'll be keeping an eye on you; whoever proves worthy will learn our many secrets. Adieu."

"And by the way, princess, that portrait that bit you will take you straight to the common room."

"Or the Slytherin toilets."

"We can't really remember which."

And in eerie stereo they said "Goodbye, and don't mind the smell"

And thus began another year at Hogwarts.

The shadow reached the castles bowels. It stealthily entered a small, secret room. A place of great power and many secrets. A place known to only four on this globe, five if you count the idiot who lost his mind there. The shadow reached a small hidden alcove and discovered its goal. Oh yes, its master would be very pleased indeed.
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