A/N: Sorry, I literally pulled the title out of the air. Please be kind to me; I haven't written in first person in ages and I definitely haven't written in present tense for eons. Trying something new. There's, er, minor spoilers. I think. Please be very kind and leave a review. Much appreciated. Enjoy and thanks in advance!
"Izumi-kun…..Izumi-kuuun……Izumi!" Meroko could only hide her frustration for so long. Of course, she probably wouldn't be anywhere near as frustrated if I would simply answer her call. After all, giving her the cold shoulder isn't exactly kind of me. The truth is, though, I have nothing to say to her. We're no longer a team and she rejects me, anyway. Lately, she only acts very awkwardly around me. It's cute, but frustrating. I've denied her my love and refused hers and she's denied me her love and refused mine. Besides, she's already moved on, already over me. And, now, I begin to wonder if maybe that feeling in me was love. She moved on so quickly, it makes me wonder if she really ever cared or was I just some failed charity case? After all, she latched onto Takuto quickly enough.
I wonder, is that how love is supposed to work? I'm not sure. Meroko doesn't seem to be too sure, either. Of course, this kind of love is what led her to her current job from what I can gather. Takuto doesn't seem to know much about it, either. But, then, they would both have to know a little more about it than me, or I would think so. From what I can gather, though, they don't. As twisted as it may sound, I find comfort in that knowledge. Those two are just as lost as me despite having lived longer and experienced more. It always makes me feel a little better about myself and what led me here for about…two seconds. Then I remember how neither of them have their memory and wonder if maybe that's why they feel so lost. They know they committed suicide, but can't recall why or who was involved. Do they wonder about who they left behind or who they hurt? Were their parents upset or relieved? Do they even want to remember?
At times, it seems almost unfair that all my memories never left me and I knew exactly why I became a shinigami and who I left behind and I knew if my mother was depressed or relieved. But, if I didn't have the memory, I would have probably only wound up clinging to a false hope of some kind, or, even worse, believe I had left behind someone who cared. My memories are always constantly warning me, warning me that I'm only setting myself up for failure. Just like that day.
I wonder what the others would think if I told them I had almost all my memory, not that there's much. Would they be jealous? I doubt they would if I told them what my memories are. I'm sure Takuto thinks I was some ladies' man and Meroko probably thinks I was a popular guy in school that the girls all liked, but I ignored them. They would only wind up pitying me. Takuto would try to think of something smart to say, but wouldn't be able to.
I really did not know what else to do at the time. It just seemed like the best option. Really, I had no idea how to think at all. In all honesty, though, I don't regret my decision. I can't imagine things getting better with her. More than likely I just would've done the deed later in life and wound up in the same position I'm in now. However, I do wish she would have done something; something other than just stand there. I wanted to see her smile so badly, but it was much more bitter than it was sweet. Why was it I couldn't get her to care?
"Izumi-kun!" Meroko finally found me. I acknowledge her coolly, acting as if her sudden appearance hadn't startled me at all. "I found you, finally," she huffs, plopping down next to me, glaring at me sideways, "Why didn't you answer me?"
"I was busy," I explain, mischievous undertones in my voice.
"With what?" she demands.
"This," I reply simply.
"Sitting!" she exclaims, upset. Frustrated, she vents, "You could at least answer me!"
"But it's fun seeing you get so upset," I tell her, teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.
She throws up her hands, and looks confused. "I don't understand you at all," she says, defeated. "First you say this, then you do something else, then you say something else and just…." She shakes her head. I guess she's referring to my sudden confession of love for her the other day, but, really, she doesn't seem to believe I'm sincere and she's too hung up on Takuto to care even though he seems disinterested. Even I'm not sure if I'm sincere or just miss the attention. After all, it was something I certainly wasn't used to.
"Izumi," she shakes her head again and turns, tears welling up in her eyes. Before she flies off, she whispers, "Why can't I get you to care?"
If she had been facing me, she would've seen how wide my eyes got at the echo of my earlier thoughts. I stare after her as she flies away until I can no longer see her form. Looking down at my hands, a numb feeling overcomes me. Sometimes, I think, I still don't know how to think.