It's another special! Today, it's a presentation by The Capcom Omake Theatre Company!
Disclaimer: I'm probably going to be sued for the voice actor names and animation studios that get mentioned in here. Ah well. Them's the breaks. Anything for a laugh, right? Heh…heh…yeeeeaaah. Don't sue me. Please.
Misete yo! HAPPI-HAPPI SUPAA Tanoshi Oboiterimasu! It's Another Omake! Happy-Happy Super Funny Invasion Along Memory Lane!
All: "It's Omake Fun-Fun Time!" Dramatis PersonaeRyu Bateson as Narrator/Sara/Ryu (voiced by Kevin Conroy)
Nina Windia as Commander Jade/Princess Nina Winlan (voiced by Kikuko Inoue)
Bow/Boche Doggie as Bo/Gilliam (voiced by Tim Curry)
Sten Legacy as Karn/Danc (voiced by Jouji Nakata)
Jean de Tapeta as Gobi/Manillo (voiced by Tim Curry)
Rand Marks as Ox/Builder (voiced by Patrick Stewart)
Katt/Rinpoo Chuan as Bleu/Deis (voiced by Maaya Sakamoto)
Mina as Anne (voiced by Kath Soucie)
Suzy (Suzy Q) as Mogu (voiced by Suzy the Pig, a.k.a. Suzy Q)
(Ryu, as Narrator/Sara, walks onstage, dressed in white robes like Sara from Breath of Fire I)
Ryu: (aside) Do I really have to wear this? I mean, I know I have thin wrists and all, but this is ridiculous!
Nina: (offstage) Yes! Besides, white silk really suits you, dear! Putting up your hair was a stroke of genius, too! (laughter)
Ryu: (sweatdrops) You must be joking.
Nina: Most girls would kill for your figure! I mean, take a look at those hips! How do you do it, dear?
Ryu: (dryly) It's called the cowboy position.
Rinpoo: (offstage) Your lines, Ryu! Read your lines!
Ryu: Oh, right. (to audience) Ladies and gentlemen. We of the Capcom Omake Theatre Company, Breath of Fire Division, Troupe 2, humbly present tonight's performance: a rendition of Breath of Fire I. Long ago, the Goddess War occurred, and the evil deity Myria was sealed behind seven keys—
(Nina, as Commander Jade, stumbles onstage, looking confused)
Ryu: What're you doing? You're not on for another—
Nina: It's a ten-minute rendition, Ryu! We gotta hurry it up! (she runs over to Ryu and rips open the front of his robe)
Ryu: (girlish voice) Ah! What the hell are you doing! Rape!
Nina: (faux-male voice) We Dark Dragons will rule the world! (tears off the rest of Ryu's robe, revealing that he's wearing a red cape and white tunic underneath)
Ryu: (girlish voice) Yeah…that was awkward. normal male voice Um, I'm Ryu, Warrior of Light, and I vow to avenge my sister and defeat the Dark Dragons, led by Emperor Zog and Commander Jade.
(Nina begins stripping)
Ryu: (wide-eyed) What the hell are you doing? Er… (watches closely)
(Rinpoo, as Bleu/Deis, comes onstage with her staff)
Rinpoo: Baka! Stop staring, pervert! (whacks Ryu across the head)
Ryu: Ow!
Rinpoo: Besides, you're a girl—why are you checking out other girls, anyway?
Ryu: (confused) What? I'm not a girl!
Rinpoo: But you have such thin wrists!
Nina: Rinpoo! It isn't time for you to be onstage! Get off! (shoves Rinpoo back offstage and then finishes stripping, revealing that she's wearing a pink leotard underneath)
Ryu: (rubbing his head) Ow, ow… (sees Nina) Oh, yeah! Ah, this must be the fair Princess Nina of Winlan, who will surely aid me in my quest to save the world from the Dark Dragon Emperor Zog! Princess, will you lend your sword to my cause?
Nina: Of course! I must help you save the world, since you helped me save my father! (peers stage left) What is this? I see a man of excellent woodcraft!
(Bow, as Bo/Gilliam, walks onstage, dressed in a wolfskin cloak)
Bow: I am Gilliam, a hunter of Tantar; I will help you fight off the Dark Dragons because they dammed up the Tantar river!
Ryu: (sniffs the air) I smell wet dog fur. Bow! You left the water pump on again, didn't you?
Bow: (sheepish…er…wolfish…doggish?) Ah, heh, heh. Oops.
Ryu: Our bill's going to be so high!
Bow: (getting back into character) But as long as the water pump is on, we'll have fresh water! We have foiled the Dark Dragons' plot of starving us by stopping up Tantar's river!
Nina: Y'know, people had indoor plumbing back in those days…they really could have just turned on the tap and totally bypassed that whole "Stone Robot" quest in the game.
Ryu: (rubs his head furiously) Ahh! What does any of this have to do with the play?
Nina: Oh, calm down, dear. You're far too stressed.
Ryu: (resigned) Let's just keep going. (everyone walks stage right and then turns to face stage left)
(Backdrop turns into an urban setting; stagehands push random crates and buildings onstage)
Bow: Ah, Bleak—a city teeming with evil and decay!
Bow and Nina: Let's give it a good shake and see what falls out!
Ryu: (slapping his forehead) WRONG GAME!
Bow: Calm down, buddy. What, you having your period or something?
Ryu: (sputtering) My peri—I'm not a girl!
Bow: Oh. So why're you playing one?
Ryu: It was a bit part!
Bow: But you've got such great hips!
(Ryu is shaking with barely-suppressed rage. Suddenly, Sten, as Karn/Danc, comes onstage)
Sten: Hey there!
Bow: (recoils from the sight of Sten) ZOMG! What the hell are you wearing? It's…so…bright…!
Sten: Hey! It's not my fault Danc had such a shitty sense of fashion! I mean, honestly, bright yellow for a thief?
Ryu: (irritably and with emphasis on every word) Oh…Danc…the GREATEST…THIEF…in the…WORLD…can you…help us…fight…EMPEROR ZOG?
Sten: (confused) Uh…sure. Yeah. What's up with you, anyway, Ryu? Constipation? Or are you having your monthly?
(Ryu makes a grab for Sten's neck, but Bow and Nina pull him back)
Nina: (chuckling uneasily at the audience) Ah, that's our hero, Ryu! Always so excitable! Truly, a necessary trait when you're off world-saving! Heh, heh!
(Ryu is pulled backstage and brought back onstage a moment later)
Ryu: (more composed) Well, Nina, Gilliam, and Danc—we have to save the world! Onward, to Scande, the headquarters of the Dark Dragons.
(Backdrop becomes a ship)
Nina: Oh no! Ryu, dear, there's the Dark Dragon armada! They're going to sink us!
(Jean, as Gobi/Manillo, comes onstage wearing a hat with a fish fin on it)
Jean: Merci! I can save us, friends! I'm Gobi, a merchant of Prima. For a fee, I can save us all!
All: Whatever! Just do it before they blow us up!
(Backdrop becomes underwater)
Jean: Oh dear. I seem to have miscalculated something; we're stranded on an island, but I'm the only one who can swim long distances. Fear not, dear friends, for I, Jean de—I mean, Manillo—will bring you Gills so that you can swim with me!
Ryu: Thank Eva's fat arse, I can be off this damn-crazy stage for a while. (Ryu, Nina, Bow, and Sten walk offstage)
Jean: I have gotten the Gills, so now we can travel to Gantz, the home of the Builder clan. Beyond Gantz lie a Dark Dragon fortress and a harbor! If we steal a ship, we can reach Scande!
(Ryu, Nina, Bow, and Sten return onstage)
Ryu: (cranky) What the hell? What kind of break was that?
Nina: It's a ten-minute rendition, dear. No time for breaks.
Ryu: (furious) I don't give a turd-shat-out-of-Eva's-bunghole about this play anymore!
Nina: Calm down, dear.
Ryu: (grumbling) We defeated the damned Dark Dragons and took one of their farkin' ships to Scande, with the help of this guy over here. points to Rand, as Ox/Builder
Rand: I'm Builder, a smith and warrior. For the sake of my wife and unborn children, I will protect this world. Let me aid you in your quest! (Note: Rand's the best actor so far!)
Ryu: (tiredly) All right, whatever. Let's get this over with already.
(Suddenly, Rinpoo appears onstage, wearing a green skirt that's supposed to look like a snake's tail)
Rinpoo: (drapes herself seductively all over Ryu; speaking in a very sexy voice) Mmm…purr…I'm Deis, the great ancient sorceress. You're certainly a cute one, eh? Want to see what I can do to you with my tail? I'm curious about how you like it…bi-curious that is!
Ryu: (seemingly enjoying the attention, until Rinpoo mentions bi-curiosity) Wait…bi-curious? But I'm a guy!
Rinpoo: (blinks) You are?
Ryu: (fuming) I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I'M NOT A GIRL, DAMN IT!
Rinpoo: (shrugs) Oh well. I like 'em fiery, either way.
Nina: (blushing furiously; she steps in between Rinpoo and Ryu) No, no, no! This isn't how it is at all! I mean…Rinpoo…you're supposed to play an old hag!
Rinpoo: (offended) Old hag? Have you seen Deis' pictures? Hell, I'm mostly into guys and I think she's hot!
Nina: Doesn't matter!
Rinpoo: Oh, wait! I understand! It must be genetic—your great-great-great grandmother didn't like Deis much either, did she?
Nina: (insistently) DOESN'T MATTER!
Rinpoo: What's wrong, Nina? Afraid I'll steal him from you? Huh? (wraps herself around Ryu's arm) Y'know, Ryu here, he likes the busty ones, don't you, "dear?"
Ryu: (turns into a Stone Statue (tm) and speaks robotically) I will remain calm. I will be focused. I will remain calm.
Nina: (narrows her eyes and grabs Ryu's other arm; speaks in low, threatening tones) Well, we really should be continuing on our journey without any more distractions…RIGHT, DEAR?
Ryu: (sighing) And so we continued our travels. We eventually reached Gramor, home of the Dirt-Eaters.
(Backdrop becomes an underground cave; oinking can be heard offstage; a few moments later, Suzy walks onstage, Mina, as Anne, close behind)
Mina: Oh dear, oh my! My brother, Suzy—I mean, Mogu—has fallen into a coma! Please help him!
Ryu: (rubs the bridge of his nose) Y'know, I hated this part of the game. (walks over to Suzy, who's sleeping, and kicks her) Wake up.
Mina: MEANIE! (whacks Ryu across the head with a mallet)
Ryu: My head…oh, my head….
Suzy: Oink! Oink, oink. Oink, oink, oink. Oink? (Translation: I'm Mogu! For helping me, I will help you! Shall we go to Scande?)
All: (sweatdrop)
Rinpoo: …Can we eat it instead?
Mina: MEANIE! (whacks Rinpoo over the head)
Ryu: (sighing) We eventually reached Scande, where we finally met Emperor Zog.
(Backdrop becomes a big purple dragon head, the visage of Zog)
Ryu: (not even trying anymore and speaking in a monotone) Oh noes. It's Zog. He's gonna pwn us. We're gonna get r0xx0r'd. It's all over, man, all over. It's TPK. (Note: TPKTotal Party Kill)
Rinpoo: Oh, don't worry! I found this! reveals a bottle and unstoppers it, releasing music It's the Dragon Heart, guaranteed to defeat any dragon…including…including…oh shat it all.
(Backdrop pulls away while Ryu clutches at his heart in pain—he isn't acting this time!)
Ryu: HOLY—! OH MY FARKIN' HECK! OH, GOD, BY EVA'S BUTTCHEEK! HOLY SHIT ON A STICK! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OH, MY SPLEEN! MY PERINEUM! OH MY DEAR LORD IN A TUB! CHRIST ON A BIKE!
Nina: What are you doing, Rinpoo? You brought a real Dragon Heart?
(Nina cradles Ryu's head in her lap)
Nina: There, there, dear. Rinpoo's being stupid and mean again. I'll take care of you! (smiling brightly)
Rinpoo: (grumbling) Aw hell, now she's milking it, the catty bitch. (Rinpoo slides into Nina, pushing her away. Rinpoo rests Ryu's head on her lap) Now, Ryu, honey, I'm very sorry I brought the bottle. So you know how I'll make it up? We can play Bob's Your Uncle. You know how much you like to make certain things 'bob.'
Sten: What's Bob's Your Uncle?
Bow: It's better if you didn't know.
Rand: I think it has something to do with tits, but I'm not too sure.
Sten: …This omake's getting pretty randy, don't you think?
Rand: (annoyed) I resent that particular euphemism.
Bow: A eu-four-what?
Rand: 'Euphemism,' you ignorant—
(Ryu stands back up)
Ryu: (VERY annoyed) ALL RIGHT! WE BEAT ZOG! ON TO THE FINAL ACT, WHERE IT TURNS OUT THAT SARA AND JADE ARE IN CAHOOTS.
(Suddenly, everyone gets up and starts walking offstage)
Ryu: Huh? What? Wait, where are you all going?
Nina: (sweetly) Intermission, dear!
Ryu: Inter—BUT IT'S THE LAST ACT! Who puts an intermission right before the last act?
Rinpoo: Well, we're getting kinda bored and its pretty clear you're PMSing, so we thought it best to call it quits while we're ahead!
Ryu: Bored? PMS? Quits? Calling it quits isn't an intermission! It's leaving before the production's over! And how can you be bored? AND I'M NOT HAVING PMS! I'M ONLY PLAYING A BIT PART AS A GIRL! (words go unheard, as everyone else has already left)
Ryu: (looks at the deserted stage and then into the audience) Well, shat me. Um…so. Heh. Nice night, eh? (does a Peter Griffin impression) Well, that's my momma! Nyeeh-heh-heh-heh. (hurries offstage)
(Lights dim; Ryu returns onstage dressed as Sara)
Ryu: (in a girlish voice) This production was made possible by the hard working folks at Studio BONE, Studio GONZO, Warner Bros. Animation, and many other contributors. Special thanks go to Capcom, of course. (bows low) Arigatou gozaimashita.
Rinpoo: (peeking onstage) Ah HA! He is a girl!
Ryu: (sweatdrop, then yells) ONNANOKO JYANAI! (Translation: I'M NOT A GIRL!)
Author's Notes: Yeah, I thought people would want a break from the usual. You really don't want to know where I got this idea from. Actually, I'll tell you anyway . Ever watch Excel Saga? Yeah, let's just say if you watch it, stuff like this invariably comes out. That, or read a lot of Terry Prachett books before bedtime. Either way, randomosity will ensue.
I picked all my favorite voice actors to "play" the roles of the characters. Kind of a lark, really. And when I said that Rand was the best actor, I really meant that Patrick Stewart is a god. Go King Lear!
Little-known facts: Kevin Conroy is the voice of Batman back in the 90s cartoons. I dunno, I just got this image of Conroy trying to do a female voice with his dark Batman voice, and I couldn't stop laughing. Oh, humanity, I love you.
Kikuko Inoue voiced Belldandy (Ah My Goddess) and Mercedes (in Gankutsuou/The Count of Monte Cristo). That soft voice of hers is pretty much perfect for Nina.
Kouji Nakata voiced the Count in Gankutsuou. The Count was a badass, no two ways about it. I worship Nakata-san for his excellent work. So he's gotta be mentioned in this omake somewhere.
Maaya Sakamoto voiced Hitomi (The Vision of Escaflowne) and was the singer for the theme song in both Escaflowne and Rahxephon. It fits. It really does.
Studio BONE animated Rahxephon, Wolf's Rain, and others.
Studio GONZO is known for animating Hellsing and Gankutsuou, among other shows.
Warner Bros. Animation, of course, did Batman.