A/N" Well I am way overdue in the Thanks department so I'm starting this chapter off with a MASSIVE list.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Get it? Got it? Good.
Forest Elfin – I like keeping my reviewers on their toes…I'm shifty like that.
Kristen Michelle – You know that I *live* for your reviews! And yes, I'm thinking of a Secret Circle fic…but I have two (Labyrinth and a Harry Potter one) going around in my head that I will probably do first. Speaking of fics, any chance you'd turn yours into an "R" so I can keep reading it? I was totally into it! Or if you've posted it somewhere else let me know so I can r&r!
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Shelli – Yes, Tom is guilty of Not Being Julian, and of course of the related crimes of Not Being Nearly as Sexy as Julian and Not Being Jenny's Soulmate
evilspoofauthor2Cassi – I'm trying to be fair, just sometimes I'm evil instead. I'm trying to update faster to make up for it.
ArchAngel pixxistixx4me – Hopefully this finds you still alive and not dead as you imagined? I can't believe it's been almost a year! Wow. Not to give away anything but since you asked Julian is sad b/c he knows how Jenny will react to what he said. Did you really re-read the fic over and over? *lol* I thought I was the only one who did that with fics?! I'm not alone and it's a good feeling…
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Rashel Jordan – Well I appreciate your thoughts and I couldn't agree more that Julian and Jenny belong together. I hope to live up to your expectations for the story!
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Jenny debated the wisdom of this discussion. Maybe working Tom (or herself) up like this wasn't such a good idea. Not to mention that they were venturing into dangerous waters, what with the argument currently centering on Julian and all.
But she decided to just keep everything as honest as she could without getting overly sensitive or emotional. Honesty was the best policy, right?
"No. I don't know."
Tom looked at her blankly for a moment.
"Why would I know, Tom? This is the first time you've ever talked about any of this with me. At length, anyway."
"Oh." The fight seemed to leave him with that one word.
Jenny knew better than to press Tom for a detailed answer. No, she was fairly certain she could go to her grave without knowing how Tom felt about her and Julian kissing. And then his actual words made an impact on her brain.
Something about Julian's kiss affecting her?
Oh no, there was no way she was going to be pushing for insights there! She knew well enough how Julian's kisses affected her. No need for that to become public knowledge now or ever!
"I keep seeing it happen, you know. For a while there it happened every time I closed my eyes."
Do I want to know what he's talking about? Jenny asked herself. No, you really don't, her inner voice assured her.
"I'm talking about the kiss, of course."
Well that clears that up.
"I noticed that it was Julian who ended it. I didn't realize I noticed it at first, though. It was one of those things that came to me after I had viewed the whole episode in slow motion twenty or thirty times."
Jenny almost groaned aloud. Were they really having this conversation?
"You didn't even try to fight. That was, well, I still can't get over it. I mean, Julian says you need to kiss and you just do it! No questions, no thinking it's a trick, no protesting against it. You just went ahead and kissed him."
Please don't let him ask me why I did it. Oh lord, please please please. Jenny had to fight the urge to actually get down on her knees in supplication. While she was busy holding an internal dialogue with whatever deity was tuning in Tom had begun to pace in front of her in short, terse strides.
"I figured you were just trying to help us, get it over as fast as possible. But then you guys just kept kissing and I thought—well I didn't think—I mean I couldn't form a thought for a while after that."
You and me both.
"But the part that killed me, well truth be told it still kills me, was when you finally stopped kissing."
You too?
"Because when you stopped you opened your eyes."
Then Tom stopped talking and seemed to drift away, mentally. Jenny wondered if it would be asking too much to plead for him to suddenly fall into a coma. A feeling of dread had pretty much taken up permanent residence in Jenny's stomach since the start of this conversation. But Jenny had a horrible suspicion that whatever Tom was going to utter next would be devastating. For both of them.
"When you opened your eyes," he paused for a moment and closed his eyes. His head lowered and his hand closed into a fist which he placed over his heart, as if there were a great pain there he was trying to ease. He kept that posture as he continued.
"You looked at him and I knew. I suppose actually that anyone who was looking knew, but I saw it first. You looked at him as if you wanted him. For just a moment--you wanted him. You wanted him to kiss you again."
Jenny stopped breathing for a moment. The weight of this whole conversation was so stifling. And what Tom was saying, the things he had noticed? It was so painful to hear. The only thing more painful to her was seeing no end in sight.
"You asked me 'What happened to us?' And that's it, isn't it? At least partly. It's just not there, is it?"
"What do you mean?"
"And the funny thing is I never knew it was missing until it was gone." He continued talking as if he were unaware of her interruption. Then he looked at her straight on.
"Don't you think that's weird? To miss something you never had? But until that moment I swear I never even considered it."
She shrugged before answering.
"I'm not sure. What exactly is missing again?"
"Passion. Chemistry. Whatever you want to call it. Between us."
He punctuated the words sharply and with each one Jenny's expression changed from one of initial horror to one that reflected a deep pain. She had obviously been lying to herself and doing Tom a disservice by imagining that she was the only one to harbor thoughts of this nature.
"I never thought that our relationship was lacking in any way. And it's not that I never thought about our relationship in a physical sense, because I have, I mean I did. I just always thought there'd be time for us to focus on that stuff later. I mean, everyone has been saying that we'll be together forever for so long, as long as I can remember. And in the end I believed them and assumed I had all of my life to work it out."
"You assumed I'd always be there, too."
He looked at her sharply but saw no malice in her gaze. It was a simple statement of fact from her.
"Yes, I suppose I did. I knew that other girls would tell you that you were so lucky to have me and I always thought you agreed with them. I never thought you'd ever like someone else. I know how guys look at you, and before now I'd have laid odds that you didn't realize it more often than not."
She smiled a little at that.
"You're right about both things. Even if I would see some guy checking me out I didn't really give it a second thought unless he was a jerk and then I just brushed him off like Audrey would."
It was his turn to grin but he quickly sobered up and returned to his earlier train of thought.
"I always thought we were the perfect couple. I never gave a thought to any possible flaws until the moment I saw you and Julian kiss. The way you looked at him is something I will never forget because you never looked at me that way."
"Tom I" Jenny began but was forcefully interrupted.
"Let me talk. You never looked at me that way before. And I wanted you to, more than anything else. You have to believe me. When we were in the car that night after the Lurker jumped on Audrey's car I wanted to kiss you and see that same look but this time for me. But the minute that damned song came on I knew you were thinking of him."
Jenny didn't bother to deny it. It was after all something they had both known at the time. She could sense that Tom needed to get all of this out of his system so she opted to remain quiet for as long as she could manage it.
"That's the first time I really thought our relationship was in serious trouble. I guess we both started thinking that around the same time, huh?"
Actually Jenny had realized something might be a little off the first time she ever laid eyes on Julian and consequently forgot Tom's existence. She figured that little tidbit was something best kept to herself forever. Tom took her silence as agreement and continued.
"So I've been thinking a lot about us and what we should do. I thought maybe we could patch things up and go right back to the way things were before. But I realized that could never happen the way I wanted. And then I thought maybe things wouldn't be exactly the same but that you could learn to respond to me the way you did to him."
Her eyes widened noticeably at that statement.
"But like I said, in the car that night I knew you were thinking of him. So maybe that was a one-time thing. And maybe our relationship could eventually evolve into something else, something better, if not for one thing."
Jenny didn't dare to hazard a guess as to what that might be.
"I thought we could repair our relationship if I honestly believed you never thought of Julian after The Games. But I know that's not true. And if I believed it was true at any point I certainly don't after what happened before the party the other night."
Ouch. Jenny winced at that. Tom was certainly unloading a lot of baggage.
"I mean, it was obvious you were dreaming about him. And it was clear that it wasn't a nightmare."
Jenny could feel herself blush.
"So I knew for sure that we were going to break up. It shocked me to realize that it meant I was going to have to find someone else. But more traumatizing than that was becoming conscious of a desire to actually do it, find someone else. I only realized it because like I said before this whole experience made me aware of something I didn't even know I was missing. I accept that I can't force you to respond to me the way you did to Julian. But I realize that I want it for myself. I was and still am jealous of you and Julian and I admit I want that."