AN: I won't update for a while. It isn't my fault. My parents want to take me and my sisters to our summer cottage, where we don't have any computer. I don't know how long it'll take until I update again. I'm so sorry and I hope you'll wait for me. (That sounded like we were in love and I was going to America for ten years or something...)

Mervyn is mine. If you want to borrow him, please contact me!

Chapter 4 – Gay? Me? Are you kidding me, man?

When the Director wakes up, he can't find his bike.

"Dude, where's my bike? It was here just a few minutes ago..."

He starts seeking his bike.

"Bike, bike... where the hell is it?"

After a few hours of seeking...

It can not be here. Let's seek in the camp. Maybe I put it there."

He walks into the camp and stops a soldier.

"Excuse me, have you seen my bike? It's red and pink and yellow and turquoise, with a sign which says 'The Director Monster Bike' on it."

"Um, no, I don't think so, if I'd seen a bike which looks like that I would remember it, be sure..."

"Oh. Thanks anyway. Bye."

"Bye."

The Director walks away, and the soldier can not hold back his giggles anymore.

"Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!"

The Director turns around. The soldier stops giggling.

"Never mind, never mind, forget it, it was nothing..."

The Director turns around again and walks away.

From now on, the Director will be seeking his bike. Mushu will take his job as a director. Just so you know.

Anyway, the next day, Shang gets a letter from his father.

"So, now it's time for the weird old man to write, heh? Let's see what he's writing..."

From General Li.

Dear son, we're waiting for the Huns at the pass and it would mean a lot if you'd come and back us up, and since we're all out of potpourri, maybe you wouldn't mind bringing up some.

With love, Your brave Father

Ps. And don't you DARE call me "weird old man"! Ds.

"Hrmf", is Shang's intelligent remark. "So, he can not even write a simple letter without bragging? 'Your brave Father'... Tsst... Well, if he wants potpourri, he'll get some. I can let the soldiers carry it."

Next day, the army sets off against the Tung Shao Pass.

"I'm getting bored of this", says Yao.

"Yeah, we've been walking for 15 minutes and still nothing has happened", agrees Ling.

"How 'bout a song?" suggests Chien-Po. "That's always cheering ME up..."

"Good idea!" exclaims Ling. "Let's take this one... you know, that depressing walk song...?"

"Oh, you mean, huh, 'For a long time we've been marching off to battle...'" tries Yao.

"Exactly. What do you think, guys?"

Soldier # 1 shrugs. "At least it can't get any worse."

Chien-Po raises an eyebrow. "Well, actually, it wasn't that kind of song I was thinking about..."

"... but I guess you are alone of that opinion", interrupts Soldier # 2. "A one, a two, a one, two, three, four..."

"For a long time we've been marching off to battle" sing the soldiers. Well, 'sing' might be the wrong word, since they all sound like dying cows…

"For a thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle", bellows Yao.

"Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore..."

'Ping' jumps in. "Hey, think of instead, a man worth fighting for!"

The soldiers blinks simultaneously. "Huh?"

"That's what I said, a man worth fighting for!"

Yao looks at 'him' curiously. "You're gay?"

'Ping' pales. "What do you mean?"

"You said 'A MAN worth fighting for' instead of 'A GIRL worth fighting for', so I wondered, are you gay?"

'Ping' starts to stutter. "I did? Um, it wasn't meant to be 'man' instead of 'girl', don't know why I sang that... guess I'm drunk."

"But are you gay or not?" asks Ling.

"Of course I'm not. Ancestors, this makes me upset. I have to calm down. Captain, give me another beer, please!"

"Sure, here you go", says Shang and hands 'him' a bottle of Heineken.

"This is against the law!" shouts Chi Fu, as the boring little prat he is. "I'm gonna tell the emperor about you, captain, that you're giving your soldiers alcoholic beverages when they are in duty!"

"Shut up, nobody cares of what you're saying anyway."

"Hrmf."

"Should we continue the song?" wonders Ling.

"No, I'm getting bored of this", answers Yao.

"Can't we drink instead?" suggests Soldier # 3.

"Yay!" shouts everyone except for Chi Fu.

"Let's get down to business, to getting drunk..." starts Shang.

"SHUT UP!"

"What?"

"If we would let you continue, you would break all the bottles!" explains 'Ping'.

After 30 minutes, the whole army is laying at the side of the road. Some of them are sleeping. Suddenly, Shang's cell phone rings. His phone signal is 'The Tetris song'.

"The Tetris song, the Tetris song, the Tetris song!" sings the cell phone. Shang picks it up and answers in a drunken slur.

"Uh, hello?"

"Where the heck are you?" demands General Li. "My men are crying for potpourri up here!"

Shang's getting sober immediately.

"Uh, yeah dad, we're coming, we're just getting braked (AN: I really hope I got that right) for the moment..."

"Oh really? Could I ask why?"

"Um, eh, yes, I mean, uh..."

"Oh, never mind. Just hurry up!"

"CLICK", says Shang's cell phone happily as General Li hangs up.

"Hm, maybe that was a good idea, after all", says Shang to himself. By the way, you do know that speaking to one self is the first sign of insanity, don't you? "Men! Wake up! We're moving out!"

"Huh..." slur the soldiers.

"What does he mean 'We're moving out'?" groans Yao. "Bet he's speaking in the sleep..."

"Of course I'm not speaking in the sleep, I'm awake, c'mon now! Up and stand!"

"Captain, it seems like many of the men aren't capable to move a muscle because of YOU and your alcoholic bevera..." Guess who said that.

"Yes, yes, I've heard that. Well, if they're too drunk to walk, it's easy to fix."

"Really now? Could I ask how?"

"No you can't. I do not care about you anyway."

Shang picks up his cell phone and pushes some buttons.

"BEEP BEEP", says the cell phone, and continues with a "CLICK" when someone answers.

"You've come to Rent-A-Bus-And-Pizza..." says the Voice in the phone.

"... you're renting out pizzas?" asks Shang, perplexed.

"Nah, not really, but there already was a registered company named Rent-A-Bus. Anyway, my name's Mervyn, how can I help you?"

"Your name's MERVYN?"

"Yes", sighs the Voice.

"MERVYN? MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"People always react that way! Could I help my parents had a bad taste?"

"No of course not, I'm sorry... Mervyn...heh heh heh! Oops, sorry again, uhm, eh, why did I call you? Oh yeah, I'd like to rent a bus for about, eh, 40 persons."

"That's impossible. We only have buses for 25,78 persons."

"How 'bout a double decker?"

"Well, it could work... did you say 40?"

"Yes."

"I think that will work."

"Perfect. Send a double decker to the Eiffel Tower in 30 minutes."

"You're at the Eiffel Tower?"

"No, not really... actually, I don't know exactly where we are, about a few miles from The Burned Village, I'd guess."

"North or South?"

"South-south west."

"Okay. Don't worry, we'll find you."

"Great! Bye!"

"Bye!"

"CLICK", says Shang's cell phone proudly.

"So, all we can do now is wait", is Shang's very smart conclusion.

Suddenly, a big red tour bus with the text 'In Mulan's footsteps' on it comes forward. It stops and a lot of Japanese people rushes out and start taking pictures of the army.

"Hey, STOP!" yells Mushu angrily. "The movie isn't finished yet! Go back to Japan and take your stupid cameras with you!"

"Ohhhhh..." says the Japanese people (in Japanese, of course, so those of you who don't understand Japanese are not meant to understand that).

They drive away in the red bus.

"Now where's OUR bus?" wonders Shang impatiently.

A very loud noise can be heard behind some big rocks.

"BR-M, BR-M!"

A rainbow-coloured double decker turns around the corner and stops straight in front of Chi Fu's face.

"Eeeeek!" says the rainbow-coloured double decker.

"Eeeeep!" says Chi Fu and faints.

"Yay!" shout the soldiers.

A short man with a big rainbow-coloured moustache comes out from the bus.

"Hi, I'm Mervyn."

The army stares at him. "MERVYN? MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, not again..."

Shang clears his throat. "Silence, everybody! We have to be kind to Mervyn. It isn't his fault that his parents had a bad taste... Mervyn... he he he... oops, sorry Mervyn!"

"I'll forgive you. For this time."

"Anyway, what's the cost? I mean, for renting the bus?"

"1000 Swedish crowns per kilometre. And 2000 as a permanent cost."

Shang's face now resembles a tomato. "Gngngngngn... okay, that's enough! Cut! Why the heck are we using Swedish crowns in this stupid movie? I mean, if we compare with the American dollar, it isn't worth anything." (Authors Note: In the moment I write this, it goes about 8 Swedish crowns on one American dollar, and about 14 on an English pound. I've checked. You have to hang with the stock exchange when you live in a country with a weak value.)

"It isn't my fault, you should talk to the real Director about that!" Mushu sounds offended. "I'm just a substitute!"

"But I can't talk to the real Director, he has disappeared."

"Bet he's seeking his bike..." mumbles Soldier # 11.

Shang raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"Um, nothing", hurries Soldier # 38. "Never mind. He's drunk, he does not know what he's saying."

"Oh. Okay then. Well, let's get into the bus!"

All the soldiers want to sit on the second floor. But there isn't room for everybody. They begin to fight about the best places.

"Quiet!" yells Mervyn. "How 'bout we organize this on a simple way: Captain Li Shang, I, Chi Fu and soldiers # 1 to # 20 on the first floor and soldiers # 21 to # 38 on the second floor..."

"Yay!" scream Soldiers # 1 - # 20.

"SHUT UP, MERVYN!" scream Soldiers # 21 - # 38.

"Poor me", sighs Mervyn. There's always someone who hates me."

Sorry all Mervyns and Japanese people out there. Remember, this whole thing is a big joke...

Don't forget to review!

Goddess of Idun