Sorry for not updating, I've been to southern Sweden, Denmark and Germany for a while with my family. By the way, it rained almost every day. The only really hot and sunny day was when we were at Legoland, a Danish amusement park. I burned my shoulders. (pouts)

Sorry all Spice Girls-fans out there reading this. And I have nothing against homosexuality. And I know that all transvestites aren't gay, and that guys can have painted fingernails without being gay, and so on. This story is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

I found the lyrics of Wannabe at www. letssingit. com. Leave out the spaces. Great site, they have almost any song lyrics there.

Chapter 7 – The gay guy's a girl? Are you kidding me, man?

The Huns are having a huge problem getting their snow scooters back on the snow that they don't notice when the Chinese army drives away in their rainbow-coloured bus.

Shang tries to speak with a commanding voice. "Soldiers!"

Mervyn clears his throat. "H-hm."

"... and Mervyn. We have defeated Shan-Yu!"

"Yay!" screams the army and Mervyn.

"Now, we're heading for the Imperial city, where we will kiss the emperor's butt!" (AN: not literally, that's just gross.)

"Yay!"

"And then –"

"Wait a sec, what about my finger?" interrupts 'Ping'.

"?" they all ask.

"I burned it while using my lighter!"

"You know what? We don't care", Soldier # 5 informs 'him'.

"Actually, Ping IS a member of the team", objects Yao. "It's our duty to help each other."

"He's right", says Shang. "Ping, take off your glove!" (AN: I may haven't mentioned it before, but everyone in this film wear gloves. That's because they are so scared of being infected by mysterious and dangerous diseases. Chickens. Oh, who am I kidding? I confess, I came up with it right now.)

'Ping' suddenly sounds very nervous. "Eh... do I have to?"

Shang shrugs. "Well, you asked for help, now you're getting it. Does anybody have some Salvekvick?" (AN: Salvekvick's a kind of plaster.)

"Here", says Mervyn and waves with a packet of plaster. "I always have. You never know what could happen in a bus."

"Makes sense", mumbles Ling.

'Ping' takes slowly and reluctant off 'his' glove. Suddenly...

"Hey, you've got painted nails!" exclaims Yao.

"I have?" says 'Ping' nervously.

"Yes! Look!" Ling points to 'his' hand.

Everybody looks at 'Pings' fingernails.

Yao raises his hand in a gesture of victory. "A-HA! Transvestite! I told you so!"

Chien-Po's eyes widen. "Wow, you really ARE gay!"

'Ping' panics. "No, I'm not! I'm not even a man! I'm a girl!"

"Ping, it's OKAY", assures Ling. "You don't have to lie about it. I have nothing against homosexuality."

"Me neither", says Chien-Po.

"Nor me", says Mervyn.

"I have..." mutters Shang.

"But it's true! I really am a girl! And I'll prove it!" shouts 'Ping'.

'He' rushes away to 'his' backpack and starts seeking through it. "Aha!"

'He' hands something to Shang. "My library card!"

Shang reads loud from the card. "'Fa Mulan. Gender: Woman. Owes the library: 734 Swedish crowns and 50 öre.' (AN: It goes 100 öre on one crown.) Wow, that's pretty much... even if we compare with dollars."

"Lemme see, lemme see!" says Soldier # 20 and snatches the library card from Shang."He's right. Are you sure you can afford that, Ping?"

Now, Mulan looks truly desperate. "Arghhh! For the last time, I'm a GIRL! That's what makes sense! And my name's not Ping but Mulan!"

Ling holds up his hands, as if to defend himself. "Oh, touchy, touchy."

"Well captain, you know what to do in a situation like this!" says Chi Fu with a commanding voice.

Shang scratches his head. "Eh... no."

"Gosh! Am I the only one here who knows the law?"

"Yes, you are", confirms Mervyn.

"Hrmf. Anyway..."

Chi Fu grabs a very big book out of nowhere. On it, it's written: Very silly laws of China. He flips the pages.

"Here's the right page."

Soldier # 1 points at the book. "You don't know the law, as you said you did! You need a book! Ha ha!"

"Shut up and listen! 'When an inhabitant of China doesn't pay what he or she owes the library, there has to be a punishment. The criminal has to be locked in into a very small, uncomfortable house which is made out of concrete and forced to listen to Spice Girls for a whole day.' Oh my..."

Mulan pales. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please, spare me, spare me! I promise to be nice and pay all my debts! Please, PLEASE don't do this!"

Ling makes a grimace. "Captain, I think this is a bit too cruel!"

Shang wrinkles his forehead, as if in deep thought. (Which he probably is, as stupid as he is.) "Well..."

Chi Fu sticks his chin in the air. "I think it's her own fault. She had her chance and blew it."

"But..." tries Yao.

"No 'buts'. Stop the bus, Mervyn!"

Mervyn sighs and stops the bus, just beside a very small house made of concrete, which seems very uncomfortable.

Chi Fu brightens up. "Perfect! Let's lock in the criminal here."

Two of the soldiers (number 6 and number 22 to be precise) drag Mulan into the house.

Soldier # 6 gives a sad smile. "Sorry old fella', we have our orders."

"This is harder for us than for you", says Soldier # 22. "Well, maybe not..."

They close the door. Mulan bangs on it but there's no answer.

"Nooo! My life's over! I am too young to die! Why did I ever sign that movie contract anyway? Why? WHY?"

She forgets her dilemma for a moment and tries to remember why she signed the contract.

"Ah, I remember. To get rich and famous, that's it."

In the same second, Wannabe starts.

"Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha."

"AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHH!" screams Mulan (and I understand her).

She tries to cover her ears with her hands, but realizes that she can't stop the sound from reaching her sensitive eardrums.

"This is... without hesitation... the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me... I'm going to – what's that?"

She sees a cord (AN: I really hope I used the right word...) stuck into an electrical outlet in the wall. She crawls to it and pulls it out. The music stops.

"Wow! I did it! I killed the music! I am the best! Woho! Victory!"

After dancing a victory dance – pretty much like the one the army danced after beating the Huns – Mulan decides that she have to get out.

"I have to get out."

She bangs the door once again. Nothing. Then she tries to pull the door knob. The door opens. It wasn't locked.

"Cool!"

She walks out and hotwires a Very Groovy Car, and drives away.

By now, the Readers have had enough (and who can blame them?). "Hey, wait a sec, where did the Very Groovy Car come from?"

Goddess of Idun tries to sound innocent. "Don't ask me, I'm not in control of this story. The weird voices only I can hear are."

"Oh."

Wow, I really did use many (AN):s in this chapter...

I will update as soon as I can, I promise!

Idun