Jenny's mind whirled and she was struck speechless again. There were no coherent thoughts or words to be formed that seemed to be able to make it to the point of vocalization. Her heart was pounding relentlessly in her chest and her palms were cold and clammy. Without conscious thought she struck up a dialogue with herself.
Did I just hear him right? Is what he said really possible? This could be the last time I ever see him? How did this not occur to me? I can't live like this…I can't live without him, can I? Oh god this can't be happening! It's not true! It's not!
Luckily Julian resumed speaking, interrupting the hysteria of her thoughts.
"My presence within your dreams is tenuous at best. I recognize that. It's only going to last for so long. Until…" he broke off and seemed unable or more likely, unwilling to continue.
She shook her head in an attempt to settle the thoughts into some semblance of order.
The possibility that their interactions were finite never occurred to Jenny. That she was going to have to give up Julian was inconceivable. What did he know that she didn't? How much time did they have left?
Oh no!
She was already thinking of this as a definite event. That couldn't be a good sign. It meant she believed him and was ready to give up without a fight, and that was unacceptable. She needed Julian in her life and she was going to do whatever it took to keep him.
Jenny closed her eyes and slowly counted to ten, pausing to take a breath in between each number. She couldn't afford to become distraught. She needed a cool head to think through this and find the logical solution. But the need to know how much time they had plagued her thoughts and refused to be ignored.
"Until when?" she managed to croak out.
He sighed before continuing, running a hand through his white-blond locks before dropping it to his side in what Jenny saw as a gesture of defeat.
"Until you fall in love."
"What?!" She wanted to scream but it came out as a whisper.
Part of her worried that she would soon be reduced to monosyllabic responses forever.
The other part was confused.
What in the world was he talking about? Until she fell in love? So did that mean that if she confessed her love he would vanish?
Or…
No. It wasn't possible. No. Not at all. The fact that it even occurred to her was ludicrous, an aberration brought on by all the stress of recent events. There was no way for it to be true, none at all. There was hardly anything worse than the thought that her love would be the cause for Julian's exit from her life.
Hardly anything, except…
…that he meant she wasn't actually in love with him now.
She grabbed her head with both of her hands as if to stop the treacherous thought from forming, let alone escaping.
It simply wasn't possible that what she felt for Julian was anything but love. Jenny refused to believe it was simple lust. This wasn't some cheap and tawdry affair they were having. They were in this for the long haul, as in forever.
Although, her mind whispered in a soft voice that seemed to drip with poison, you have been wondering if maybe you are too young to be thinking about forever, haven't you? You did question if you would ever be able to have a normal relationship outside of your dreams, didn't you? That must mean that some part of you believes this thing with Julian will end someday, right? And that part must want an ordinary relationship—isn't that right?
If Julian had been paying attention to Jenny he would have known her thoughts immediately just from her expressions, which were becoming increasingly pained. But he was lost in his own thoughts, torturing himself with morbid visions of a future without Jenny.
Did he exist before he saw her? Sometimes it felt like his life before her was the dream, and this was the reality. Dropping his head to his chest he breathed deeply, trying to rein in the pain that threatened to escape at any moment. He wanted to howl in a voice overflowing with rage, for his pain was born of anger. He was enraged there was even a chance that Jenny would be taken away from him.
If he was being honest with himself he had to admit that he had known about this possibility almost from day one. He had been denying its existence from the moment he had become aware of it, determined to simply ignore it. But the more time he spent with Jenny the more he became sensitive to the fact that he was simply being selfish. He loved Jenny and she needed to know. It was only fair. As it was the fact that he had kept the knowledge secret for so long was going to cause her tremendous pain. It was the guilt over being the cause of her suffering that had driven him to confession tonight. He abruptly ceased his mental flagellation and continued to explain, knowing each word was causing both of them anguish.
"Your heart's desire is what's keeping me here and it's also what will send me away."
"I don't understand." She wondered when she had begun crying. Her voice was wavering and laden with tears.
He shrugged a shoulder before answering. She watched the movement and wondered at his ability to seem so blasé about the whole matter.
"It's pretty simple. Your heart wants me here now. But when that changes I will cease to be able to come to you. I've been trying to recall everything I can about our bond and it seems to be right from what I remember."
Jenny just stared at him, silent tears cascading down her cheeks. She let the words he said roll around for a while without actually trying to process them.
Deciding to distract herself she took in his appearance. He was so beautiful. It was unusual to use that term to describe males but it was so apropos for him. His hair was like tangible sunshine and as smooth as the softest threads. His eyes were simply indescribable in their beauty. The color had no parallel and reflected so much emotion, all for her. His lips were a little wistful now but they were capable of expressing all the wonders of the world including how he felt for her, and of course they transmitted more pleasure than Jenny had even known existed.
She suddenly ceased the analysis as a thought occurred to her. It was a horrible thought and yet at the same time if it was true then there just might be a chance for them.
"Are you talking about making love?"
Julian's eyebrows shot up and his eyes opened even wider. While it was normally a safe bet that he would be entertaining thoughts of that nature whenever he was around Jenny he hadn't been thinking along those lines at all. He wondered what made her think of that and voiced his confusion.
"What?"
She blushed, realizing all too late how random that must have sounded.
"Sorry. I'm just trying to understand all of this and it occurred to me that maybe you were talking about…that. Maybe you meant that if you and I were to, uh, well that is to say that if we ever, um, you know, that that would be it. Sort of like the unfinished business the ghost has on earth theory."
He actually smiled at that.
"So you want to know if the reason I'm here with you is actually because I can't leave until we have sex?"
"Well when you say it like that it sounds dumb." She admitted with a small smile of her own.
"The short answer is no." He laid himself back against the pillows and closed his eyes, still smiling.
Jenny lapsed into silence once more. She had thought that was a good theory. Not that she liked the idea of never sleeping with Julian but still, if it meant she could keep him around then she
was on board for abstinence.
She tried to understand, taking it one sentence at a time. If her theory was wrong then she was missing something. Something crucial. Okay, one sentence at a time. Here goes.
He was here because her heart wanted him here. Ok, got it.
But that is also what will cause him to not come to her anymore. No clue there.
He would only be there until she fell in love. Did that mean she wasn't in love with Julian?
It sure felt like love.
She couldn't dwell on that again so she decided she had to talk the whole thing out. Maybe it was some magic formula wherein hearing the words would suddenly make their meaning apparent.
Sometimes hearing it aloud made sense in a way that reading or thinking it didn't. She was desperate enough to try anything.
"Let me get this straight. You are here because my heart wants you here, right?"
"Correct."
"But that is also what will send you away, right?"
"Right."
"So once I fall in love you have to leave?"
"Yes." His voice was barely above a whisper.
She took a deep fortifying breath before vocalizing her fears.
"What does that mean? If I say that I'm in love with you then you vanish?"
He looked startled for a minute.
"No." His voice was back to normal.
"No?"
What the hell? It couldn't be the other. It just couldn't. Oh please.
And then…oh. Oh!
"Oh!"
"Oh?" Now it was his turn to look confused.
"You dummy!"
She was so relieved that she did the only thing that seemed to make sense at the time—she hit him in the arm as hard as she could. And then she flung herself into his arms sobbing her eyes
out.
He let her cry for a while before speaking.
"You know…if anyone should be reduced to tears it's me. I mean I'm the one who has been insulted and beaten without provocation."
She laughed and then sniffed, trying to stop her tears. When she felt like she had herself under control she tilted back and looked at him.
"Don't you ever do that to me again."
"Do what? Incite you to violence? Trust me I won't." He replied in a voice heavy with sarcasm. He made a point of rubbing his arm as he talked.
"Don't you ever use some lame logic and threaten to go away."
"Lame logic? Oh this just gets better and better."
She giggled before continuing.
"I stand by my choice of words. Yes 'lame' because it'll never happen and you should know that, you big moron."
"Stop trying to flatter me. My ego is large enough as it is. I can barely take any more." He said in a dry voice.
She reached over and took his face between her hands, cradling it. She leaned closer and smiled softly before speaking in a voice to match.
"I am never going to change my heart's desire. I am never going to send you away. I am never going to fall in love…" she broke off as tears welled up and the emotion choked her throat. He
opened his mouth to speak and she silenced him with a shake of her head.
"I am never going to fall in love," she paused again but continued after a much shorter break and a moment for a restorative breath.
"I am never going to fall in love with someone who isn't you."
Julian let out the breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding with those words. He closed his eyes and pulled her into his embrace, not trusting himself to speak. They stayed like that for a long time, simply content to hold each other.
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Disclaimer: Do I own the characters? My answer is as negative as an electron's charge, my friends.
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, folks. I posted the last chapter before I left on vacation. I didn't say I was going on vacation because I had a hunch someone might try and track me down to beat me within an inch of my life for the way I ended the last chapter. It was a personal safety issue, I assure you. Please accept my humble apology. Before I go on to the thank you portion I should mention that anyone's story that I usually review and haven't….well I wanted to get this up first and stop all the bad mojo being sent my way. Also, please go and read LoPotter's story "Never is A Promise". I have a campaign to get the story finished and if I can just get enough people reviewing I have high hopes of getting the author to cave! Please read Skyfire's story "Mind Shatter". I watched FoTR recently and have a serious yen for Legolas (and Mr. Bloom as well…sigh) and was thinking about beautiful blond men and of course Jareth is right up there. So read her story about the Labyrinth.
Enough out of me, on to the thank you portion:
Pixxi—Sorry I didn't distract you from your history homework. Maybe you have some geometry that can wait? You swore on Julian that Eater would be up and I have yet to see it! Maybe my computer is on the fritz? I'll keep looking! And a big yippee about Forbidden Dreams! You are not dumb, I didn't mind the Post-It, really I didn't. Put your trusty poster of Tinky-Winky away and I promise to be good.
Skyfire—I don't know CPR so I really really hope you've been revived! Talk to me! Stay away from the light!
Venus Smurf—Not only will I tell you that I still use the word "dude" but that I use it as an endearment for both my dad and best friend. "Appreciation for my genius", eh? Repeat after me…"Step away from the crack pipe"…you need to stop smoking. I must admit that I thoroughly enjoy this little mutual admiration society we've got going for each other here, but you are the epitome of creativity and genius, not me. I'm in the mailroom and you're the CEO. Sorry about my being evil, too. I re-read the previous chapter when I got back and realized I was straying toward the Dark Side, for sure. I will be clicking my mouse as fast as I can over to "Roommate" as soon as I get this posted I swear! My mind is on high alert and I'm as jumpy as if I had two pounds of Skittles in a single sitting I'm so anxious to read it!
Pixxi—Hello again! No Kapoofy. There there. It's okay now. He's safe, for the moment anyway. (insert evil laugh) So what's the story behind no jelly-beans on the stairs? Sorry Connecticut was not the best time ever. I'm with you on the whole too much candy thing too, for sure. I'm so glad you loved this chapter even though it was more Vadar than little Anakin.
melissarxy1—Welcome! A thousand times welcome! Wow! All in one sitting? I'm truly honored. No one ever says anything about my spelling and grammar so thanks for that. And you said the magic word, too! How nice! Sorry this was so long in coming but I was out of town. I hope to get the next chapter up much sooner! Thank you for weighing in with your views! I appreciate it!
Clare—Hey there, clare! Sorry about the delays in updating, I really am! Thank you for encouraging me like you always do. Your reviews make me smile.
Kyia-Kenobi—I know, and I really am sorry about the length of time in updating. Sorry too about your sister being unduly influenced by the near smut of my story. I don't really want to be responsible for scarring someone for life. Thank goodness for your laptop!
Cat—I was away (for too long, if my reviews are any indication) so I am sorry for not getting this chapter up sooner! Thank you for saying please and for wanting to read the next chapter!
Amber Evans Potter—Julian, sorry about scaring her into a near heart attack but I suspect that she was really hoping you knew CPR and would be forced to give her mouth-to-mouth. Being the nice person I am I was only trying to help…sorry Jenny. So you guys need more steam, hmm? Well I'll see what I can do. Sorry this chapter was steamless. If you think Amber can handle it maybe you can tell her I laughed to the point of tears at her latest review and that I wouldn't have promoted her fic if I didn't think ppl would like it. But I'll let you guys make the call on that one….Lord knows I don't want to be held responsible for any fainting spells or anything like that.
CeredwenFlame—Oh good lord I laughed so hard at your review! You are hilarious! Thank you for giving me a good laugh that boosted my endorphins for quite a while!
JLF—Sorry I can't tell you that I'm wrong (if only because I hate admitting it ever) but I can at least tell you thank you for reviewing and I hope that this chapter didn't leave you too emotional?
Shadow—hee hee. I sign in on my sister's AOL account so I get it. No worries.
Star (I mean Shadow)—gob smacked? That is a GREAT phrase! Thanks for not saying I'm really evil and mean, even if you secretly thought I was. Sorry about making you wait at the edge of that cliff for so long!
Pixxi—I'm glad I was able to give you a good present. Can't wait to read about the German gummy bunnies.