Here I am again! If you check out my profile, you'll see that I've added a little bunny rabbit. Please, those of you who are users at this site, copy him to your presentation to help him achieve world domination. (What? A little competition is only healthy, Shan-Yu!) I copied him from my sister's profile at a Swedish community, www. helgon. com. Speaking of which, Tina (my sister) and I couldn't agree about which site had the most users, ff. net or helgon. com. So I counted all ff writers (a quick calculation, of course) and guess what? We have about 913 000 users here at ff. net! Helgon. com only had about 157 000. Ha! Tina lost badly.

I own Doctor Chun Tin and the nervous Stranger, but you are allowed to borrow them if you contact me first.

Chapter 16: A new brain? Are you kidding me, man?

Since no one has a map, and the army need to find the way to 625 Mental Illness Road, Ling stops a passing and totally innocent Stranger by tripping him. The Stranger panics.

"No! No! Spare me! I have a wife and kids, millions of kids! Here, take my money, but please don't kill me!"

The army stares at him. Chien-Po mutters: "Think we should bring him too?"

"I say, take his money and then ask him for directions", suggests Mulan.

"Good idea", says Mervyn. He takes the money from the Stranger's outstretched hand. "43 crowns and 50 öre. That's not very much. Anyway, could you please show us the way to 625 Mental Illness Road?"

The shivering Stranger looks at him. "Sure you won't kill me?"

"We will, if you don't give us the directions right now", growls Yao. The Stranger turns to him, horrified.

"Eeep!"

"Now that's what I call an intelligent answer", says Soldier # 14.

"There it is." The Stranger points to a street sign which says 'Mental Illness Road'. On the house before them, there is the number of '625'. Mulan rushes too the door and reads on a little orange sign, which says in red letters (Red letters against orange background! The horror!): "'Doctor Chun Tin. Heal any brain disease, with the help of my trusty baseball bat. Drop-In'. Exactly what our dear captain needs!"

Shang starts backing away slowly, but Mervyn discovers him. "Look! He's getting away!"

The army start chasing Shang, who turns around and runs for his life. Suddenly, a hand is stretched out from an alley, grabs his robe and pulls him inside the alley. The army doesn't notice but rushes past. Shang sighs in relief.

"Thank you, you saved my life, I'm really…"

Then he discovers who is standing before him. It's the strict lady at Hogwarts, professor Minerva McGurgle, or something. She does not look too happy. "Li Shang, you've broken the school rules by running away! 536978 points from Wuddlyfoofie."

"But I haven't earned any points for Wuddlyfoofie."

"Oh. Right. Well, in that case, mr. Li, you must be punished in another way."

Professor McGurgle sticks her head out of alley and calls for the army, which still can be seen, since Chien-Po tripped and dragged the others with him. They're now lying in a heap in the dust.

"Hey, you! Here he is!" She pushes Shang back on the street. He gasps and tries to run again, but she points her wand to him and pronounces some strange words. "Rollerbladus Feetus!"

BAM!

Shang's feet have been turned into rollerblades, and since he never got a pair of rollerblades when he was a kid – his father was too stingy to buy him some – he hasn't had any practise, falls and lands on his bum.

"Ouch!"

Before he gets time to rise again, Mervyn and Soldiers # 7 and 15 catch him and drags him to 625 Mental Illness Road. Mulan waves to professor McGurgle. "Thank you for helping, Weird Woman with the Freaky Stick!"

"You're welcome. Oh, and by the way, tell him that his O.W.L:s are coming up next week. He really needs to practise." She flicks her freaky stick and Shang's feet immediately turn back to normal, then she mysteriously disappears in a puff of smoke.

Mulan stares at the spot where the mad woman stood a couple of seconds. "Okay, I'm not at all surprised that she mysteriously disappeared in a puff of smoke, it's not like it hasn't happened before, but that wool-thingies that would come up next week make me so confused. Hey Author, does that crazy chick go on medication or something?"

Why I don't know, I don't own her. Just borrowing her for a little while. Ask this very famous writer J. K. Rowling.

Soldier # 7 knocks on the door. "Hello, doctor! We have a patient for you!"

The door bangs open and they see a person that look exactly like a female version of Victor Frankenstein. "A patient? Lemme have a look at him." She grabs Mervyn and stares at his face. Mervyn's eyes widen.

"No, no, it's not me! It's that guy in the strange robe!"

"Really?" Doctor Chun Tin sounds confused. "Well, I saw that rainbow-coloured moustache of yours and thought 'Yeah, that must be him'. But shit the same. Come with me, everyone." The army follows her into the waiting room. "Please stay here, while I examine your friend." She drags Shang, despite his protests, into another room.

The army is bored, since there's nothing to do in the waiting room.

"I'm bored. There's nothing to do in this waiting room", mutters Yao.

"Idun, could you please find something for us to do?" pleads Ling.

All right. Wait while I type furiously on my keyboard to make some entertainment for you.

ZAP!

Soldier # 13 suddenly gets hit in his head by Monopoly.

"Wow, Monopoly! I wanna be the shoe!" shouts Ling.

"I wanna be the horse!"

"I wanna be the blue parrot!"

"I wanna be professor McGurgle!"

"I wanna be Shan-Yu's diary!"

"I wanna be the Post-It notes!"

And so on…

They all start playing Monopoly and Mervyn's in the lead since he owns the Tower of London, Euro Disney, the emperor's palace and the Bank of China, when the door opens and doctor Chun Tin steps out.

"I know what's wrong with captain Li!"

"You do?" the Chinese dudes ask curiously. "What?"

"There are no doubts about it. His brain is worn out."

Chi Fu raises an eyebrow. "Worn out?"

"Yeah, and he needs a new one. Luckily, I know exactly where to get one."

"Oh, good", says Mulan. "Where?"

"In a jar in my office."

Soldier # 22 stares at her, unbelievingly. "You have a brain in a jar in your office?"

"Hey, don't complain!" shouts Mulan. "This is great! I'm sure it isn't easy to find a brain, just like that. We should be grateful. When can you… um… change brains, doc?"

"Right now, if you want to."

She goes back and closes the door behind her. After a couple of minutes, some muffled screams can be heard. They recognize the voice as Shang's, but they can't hear all the words.

"No… don't do… pointy knife… bit too far… no, not the baseball bat…!"

Silence.

"I so do not want to know the details of what's going on in there", gulps Soldier # 1.

Suddenly, the door bangs open, and doctor Chun Tin appears again. She looks exhausted. Her forehead is all sweaty, and she's got a nasty bruise on her left cheek. She clears her throat. "H-rm, let me introduce to you, the new Li Shang!"

Shang comes out, walking on all fours, panting, with his tongue hanging outside his mouth. He goes to Ling, sniffs him, and then licks his hand.

They all stare at him. After a while, Chien-Po nervously asks: "Um, doc? What kind of brain did you use?"

Doctor Chun Tin watches Shang proudly. "Well, you see, I found a stray dog last Wednesday, a grand danois. He was lying on the street and did not look too well, and I never was one to like animals in distress, so I decided to help him get rid of his suffering. And since I am a brain doctor, I thought it would be stupid not to take care of his brain, now when I had the chance. Speaking of which, I am afraid that your captain now only will listen to the name of Pokey. I named the dog before I used my trusty baseball bat on him, thought it might make him feel better to have a real identity during his last minutes."

"Wait a minute, let me get this straight", says Mervyn. "You gave captain Li the brain of a dead grand danois?"

"Yes, of course! You didn't think I'd use a living grand danois, now did you?"

"When it comes to you, I can think of anything, absolutely anything", mutters Soldier # 5.

Shang (or Pokey) approaches Chi Fu and growls. Suddenly, he leaps forward and starts gnawing on Chi Fu's right leg. Chi Fu screams.

"No, stop! Get that crazy mongrel… captain… whatever, away from me! I'll tell the emperor about this, trust me, I will!"

No one makes a move to help him.

"Oh, wonderful!" exclaims Mulan angrily. "Just one hour ago we had a captain, maybe not the best captain ever but a captain nonetheless, and what do we have now? A bloody Scooby Doo-copy named Pokey!"

The idea of giving Shang the brain of a dog comes from Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody by Michael Gerber.

diana cho: Thank you for reviewing! Glad you liked that chapter. For a couple of weeks, your review was my only comfort, 'cause no one else wanted to leave one, though I saw that I'd gotten many hits on the chapter.

MiniEllie: I'm quite fond of the Hogwarts chapter too… one of my favourite parts of this story. Hope you like this chapter too!

Zimmie: Thank you thank you thank you for thinking that my English is improving! And don't worry, there won't be many more sub-quests. I PROMISE you, the Final Battle will erupt in chapter 17 or at last 18.

A beta reader? Please?

Idun