Elisabeth Bennet and mr Darcy come from the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Ninja Turtles is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios. I do neither own McDonald's. If I did, don't you think I'd have something better to do than sitting here, wasting my time on writing stupid stories for your amusement?

Again, go to my profile and copy the bunny rabbit!

Chapter 17: We're using a stratagem? Are you kidding me, man?

After paying Doctor Chun Tin with the 43 crowns and 50 öre that they got from the nervous Stranger, the army sets off against the emperor's palace. Mulan rips off a strip of cloth from the army's flag (which is of ancient lineages) and uses it as a lead for Shang, since he seems to be really interested in running around smelling everything. None of them is very satisfied with his new personality.

"So, how shall we get into the emperor's palace?" asks Ling. "Surely, there will be lots of guards there and they will get pretty suspicious when they get their eyes on Pokey… and maybe Mervyn."

"Hey!" shouts Mervyn, offended. "I'm not the human dog around here!"

"No, but your moustache is rainbow-coloured", Soldier # 14 reminds him. "No offence, but you look like a real weirdo."

"Why are we worrying about the guards?" wonders Soldier # 7. "Aren't they on our side?"

Mulan rolls her eyes. "C'mon, use your brain. If we tell them about the Huns, they will most certainly try playing heroes and take a big part of the honour. We have to think of something to trick them, so that we get all the attention."

"Yeah, what we need is a stratagem", says Soldier # 1.

"How about disguises?" suggests Yao. "We could dress up like this…"

An hour later, some very strange people make their way up the palace's stairs. The guards watch them suspiciously. "Who are you?"

"We're plumbers from the firm 'Pipes are our passion'", answers a guy dressed in a pair of dirty jeans with braces. His big rainbow-coloured moustache shivers when he's talking. "We're here to fix the pipes."

"I didn't know they were broken", says Guard # 3 and gives Guard # 1 a questing look.

"Well, they are", assures a girl with a purple, very ugly cap. "The emperor wouldn't want to tell everyone, for fear of paparazzi."

The guards simultaneously raise an eyebrow. "Riiight. And what the ancestors is that?" Guard # 2 points at the ex-captain.

"Oh, he's our mascot Pokey", says a skinny guy with a smile. "Without him, we wouldn't be the window-cleaners we are today."

"I thought you said you were plumbers?"

The girl with the purple cap glares at the skinny guy, before she turns to the guards with an apologizing smile. "Yes, well, we do both. You don't get very rich on plumbering."

"Is that even a word?(1)" whispers Soldier # 3 to Soldier # 9, who shrugs.

"I've heard that plumbers get awfully rich", says Guard # 1, still not convinced.

The girl is starting to look impatient. "Look, just let us in, okay? You're getting a flood in here! I can even see the water." She points into the palace.

The guards turn around. "Whe – "

DONK!

Suddenly, the guards lie in a heap on the floor.

"Well done, Chien-Po!" shouts the girl (which of course is Mulan) and makes a little dance of victory. The army then hurries into the palace, after putting the guards in a broom closet and a pot plant outside of it.

"So, what do we do now?" asks Soldier # 3.

"Let's split up", says Mulan, who, in some way, has become the boss (but I guess you all have figured that out by now). "Mervyn, Chien-Po, Yao, Ling and I keep going forward, Chi Fu and Pokey go right, since no one else wants to be with them, and the rest of you go left."

"All right", says Mervyn, Chien-Po, Yao, Ling and all the soldiers.

"Woof", says Pokey.

"No!" shouts Chi Fu. "I do not want to be left alone with that creature! It's unfair!"

"Whatever", shrugs Yao. "How many times must we tell you that we really don't care about what you think?"

"I won't do it", says Chi Fu and purses his mouth.

Mulan sighs. "Chien-Po, if you would be so kind…"

"Gladly!" exclaims Chien-Po, grabs the council and throws him to the right. He lands with his bum first on the very hard plastic floor (poor quality, that is, by the way) and gets hit in his head by Pokey two seconds later. "OUCH!"

"And stay away!" shouts Mulan. Then she turns to the others. "If something happens, feel free to use these Cool Walkie-Talkies I found in the Very Groovy Car I hotwired in chapter 7." She gives everyone a Cool Walkie-Talkie.

This makes the Readers upset. "Hey, Goddess of Idun! You didn't tell us about those Cool Walkie-Talkies before! Confess, you did make them up right now!"

Okay, I did. Happy?

The Readers didn't think that I would give up that easily. "Oh. Right. Bye."

Bye!

The army splits up, and starts investigating the palace. Soon enough, the Soldiers find the palace's very own McDonald's resturant.

"Come to think of it", says Soldier # 1, "we haven't had something to eat since chapter 15, you know, when we stole the Huns' afternoon tea."

"You're right!" exclaims Soldier # 22. "Do you think that Mulan would get very pissed off with us if we take a little break to eat?"

They all think about it for a while. Eventually, Soldier # 12 speaks up. "Probably she would, but we could get food here and then bring it with us!"

"Yay!"

They order Happy Meals and small Cokes for everyone. This week, the Happy Meal toys are small stuffed Ninja Turtles. Predictable enough, the soldiers forget all about the plot in the movie and start playing with their mini warriors.

"Ha! My katanas beat your nunchakus any time!" exclaims Soldier # 9 and uses his Leonardo as a boxing glove against Soldier # 11's Michelangelo.

"Oh yeah? Well, those twin swords of yours are junk compared to Donatello and his bo staff!" shouts Soldier # 10, whereupon Soldier # 19 waves with his Raphael and claims that just said Ninja Turtle can turn Donatello into meat loaf with his sai daggers in no time… you get the picture.

Chaos erupts.

Meanwhile, Mulan, Ling, Yao, Chien-Po and Mervyn are walking down the main corridor, opening random doors.

"How 'bout this one?" suggests Yao and opens a blue door. They look in and see a man and a woman in Victorian British clothes, holding hands while staring at each other lovingly.

"Oh, Elisabeth!" sighs the man. "I love you so much!"

"Oh, Darcy!" sighs the woman. "I love you too!"

They lean in for a kiss, when suddenly, Elisabeth spots the uninvited visitors. "EEEEEKKK!"

Everyone jumps, mr Darcy the highest, since his ear was about 10 centimetres from Elisabeth's mouth. "Gosh, Lizzie! You've made me deaf on my right ear!"

"Huh? We were just coming into a romantic snogging scene, and then we get interrupted, and you give me a lecture! Ugh! Men are scum!"

She slaps mr Darcy. He gets a look that reminds Mulan, Mervyn, Ling, Yao and Chien-Po of a kicked puppy. They make big goo-goo eyes. "Awww!"

Mulan rushes forward, pushes Elisabeth out of the way, winks at mr Darcy and says seductively: "Don't worry honey, if she doesn't want you, I certainly do!"

Mr Darcy doesn't look so sad anymore, when he gets his eyes on the sexy Chinese warrior chick. He smiles a goofy smile. "Really?"

Mulan laughs evilly. "No, of course not! You look like a geek, and Englishmen have never been my type anyway. Too much tea, and an awful accent. (2)"

Mr Darcy's eyes turn into those of a puppy dog a second time while his under lip starts shivering, and Elisabeth pats his back while glaring at Mulan, which joins her pals and sneak away before you can say 'this has got nothing to do with the plot!'.

Mervyn speaks up. "Hey guys, maybe we should contact the others to see if they've found something?"

"Good idea!" Yao grabs his Cool Walkie-Talkie and presses the Not-So-Cool turnip-shaped button on it. "Hello? Anyone there?"

"I am here!" a whiny voice can be heard. They all recognize it immediately and groan.

"PLEASE, Chi Fu, stay out of this!" grumbles Ling. "You're nothing but a pain in the ass anyway."

"What? You asked if anyone was there, and I answered!" the council continues. "And you're not especially great either, leaving me with this creature that's trying to bite me every twentieth second and pees on all flower pots we pass! If I had been in charge – Yeow!" His little monologue ends up in a cry of pain. The others figure that it must be Pokey gnawing on Chi Fu's leg and get a good laugh.

Yao presses the Not-So-Cool turnip-shaped button again, so that they won't have to listen to Chi Fu anymore.

"Why is he with anyway?" wonders Chien-Po. "He's not making much sense."

Mushu appears from the palace's library, where he's been kicking the Tooth Fairy's and the Easter Bunny's asses in billiards. "Actually, Chi Fu's with because it stands in the script." He holds up his battered copy of The Script and starts reading loud. "There has to be an annoying guy in a funny hat that sucks up to the emperor all the time and thinks that he's worth something. He was the best candidate for the job, fitted perfectly."

"Ah."

Then, Mulan, Mervyn, Ling, Yao and Chien-Po decide that they're hungry.

"We're hungry!" they whine.

"Do not despair", says Mushu and strikes a heroic pose, "because I, the great dragon and substitute-director Mushu, will save you!"

(If Shang had been there, and had had his old brain back, he might have told the others that Mushu looked very much like Harry Potter in chapter 14.)

"Oh yeah?" Mulan raises an eyebrow. "And how will you do that?"

"Why, I'll show you the way to McDonald's, of course." And Mushu leads the way to said fast-food restaurant, where they find the rest of the army playing with their Ninja Turtles. At first, Mulan isn't very happy with them, but since she discovers how fun it is to smack nunchakus into the heads of your friends, she warms up to the idea and they all have a good time.

And that's where we leave them, until next chapter's here.

(1) Is 'plumbering' a word? These annoying red lines (you know, the ones that mean there is a spelling mistake) come up under it when I write it, but to me, it doesn't sound that strange.

(2) I have NOTHING against the English accent. In fact, I kind of like it. You see, every time I watch TV, and suddenly someone starts talking British English, I get really happy and start bouncing up and down while still listening carefully… Weird, I know, but that's how I am. You have to be a little weird to write a story like this one…