Disclaimer: I still don't own Fruits Basket! Takaya Natsuki does. And Monty Python owns Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
D'OH! I FORGOT SOMETHING! Remember last chapter when Hatori asked what also can be burned and an orange haired man with a fan said "TAMAHOME!" Well, I didn't make that joke up. I made it after reading this fan cousinship: http/ geocities. com/ byakkonomiko/ Doujinshi. htm
Remember to take out the spaces!
Credit goes to the artist. And now, a message to the artist, even though she's probably not reading this: I'm sorry! I meant to mention the fact that I got the idea to include your joke in my story, but I forgot to mention you! I'm sorry! hangs head in shame
Roles:
The French: Random French people
Chapter 6: The Quest Begins and French Taunts
Prince Yuki and his knights were walking along when they came across a castle. "Halt!" Yuki told them. "Hello?" he shouted to see if anyone was there. A guard appeared. "'Ello, who is zis?" he asked in a nasally voice. "It is Prince Yuki, and these are the Knights of the Juunishi Table. Who's castle is this?"
"This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer!"
"Go and tell your master that we have been charged with a sacred quest from Akito-sama. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us on our quest for the Holy Box!" Yuki ordered.
"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh… He's already got one, you see."
"What?" Yuki said incredulously.
"He said they've already got one." Sir Kakeru answered him.
"Are you sure he's got one?" asked Lady Kagura.
"Oh yes, it's very nice!" The guard turned to look at his fellow guards and whispered. "I told them we've already got one!" The other guards snickered.
"Well then, um, may we come up and have a look?" Yuki asked, still not quite believing that they really had one.
"Of course not! You are English types!"
"No, we're not! We're Japanese types! And- Hey, wait. What are you then?" Sir Kyou demanded.
"I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly knight?"
"This is why I wanted to dub him Sir Kyou the Stupid…" Yuki muttered.
"Well, what are you doing in Japan, then?" Sir Hatori asked.
"Mind your own business!" the guard remarked haughtily.
"If you do not show us the Box, then we shall have to take your castle by force!" Yuki drew his sword. The others followed suit and drew their own weapons.
"You do not frighten us, English-pigs-dogs!"
"Why do they keep calling us English?" Lady Kisa asked Sir Hiro quietly.
"I blow my nose at you, so-called Yuki-prince, you and all your silly English kaniggets!" (O.O GASP! HE ALMOST SAID A REALLY BAD WORD! points) The guard then blew them a raspberry.
"DAMMIT! WE'RE JAPANESE, NOT ENGLISH!" Sir Hatsuharu had gone black. Sir Kyou hit him and he was white again so EVERYTHING WAS FINE!
"What a strange person…" Sir Ayame commented to Lady Arisa, who nodded. "Not stranger than you." Sir Kyou thought to himself.
"Now look here, my good man!" Yuki began.
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a chipmunk and your father smelt of salmon!"
"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Sir Hiro was getting tired of listening to this.
"No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
"Now, this is your last chance. We've been more than reasonable." Sir Hatsuharu called out.
"We've been reasonable. You're the one who lost your temper." The others thought.
"Fetch-e la vache."
"What?" The knights looked at each other.
"Fetch-e la vache!"
"If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-DAH!" Yuki yelled.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Suddenly a cow came from over the edge of the castle and landed on Sir Hatsuharu! Oh no! Oh, wait. That wasn't Hatsuharu. It was just his decoy. YAY!
"JESUS CHRIST! RIGHT! CHARGE!" Yuki pointed his sword at the castle. You thought I forgot about the sword, didn't you?
"CHARGE!" The knights yelled. The French responded by throwing more livestock at them. Finally, Yuki yelled "RUN AWAY!"
Somewhere in the woods….
"BASTARDS! I'LL TEAR THEM APART! OW!" Sir Kyou shouted as Lady Tohru applied rubbing alcohol. He'd gotten hit with a lot of chickens so he had a lot of scratches. Yeah, she's not just a lady knight, she's the nurse! She's the cook, too. "Sir Kyou-kun, please hold still." she pleaded with him.
"No, no, no." Yuki replied sternly to Sir Kyou's rashness.
"Sir, I have a plan!" Sir Shigure piped up.
"We're doomed." Sir Hatsuharu, Lady Rin, Lady Arisa, Lady Saki, and Sir Hatori groaned in unison. Well, Sir Hatsuharu, Sir Hatori, Lady Arisa, and Lady Rin groaned, Lady Saki just said it a calm way.
A bit later, banging, sawing, and other sounds are heard from the forest. The next morning, a giant wooden leek is rolled to the gate. The guards mutter in French for a few minutes before rolling it into the castle and shutting the door. The knights rise from the bushes. "What happens now?" Yuki looked at Sir Shigure.
"Well, now, uh, Kyou-kun, Tohru-kun, Haa-kun, Haa-san and I, wait until nightfall, and then jump out of the leek, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!" Sir Shigure grinned. "Wait, who jumps out?" Lady Rin demanded. "Uh, KYOU-KUN, TOHRU-KUN, HAA-KUN, HAA-SAN, and I." Sir Shigure replied as though Lady Rin was the dumbest person in the world. "Uh, jump out of the onigiri uh, and uh…" There was an awkward pause. Arrows with their names pointed at the said knights.
"Uh… Look, if we build this giant wooden onigiri-" Sir Kyou smacked him over the head.
Suddenly, a twong is heard. The giant leek comes over the edge. Yuki screamed a few things that I can't say in this fan fic, and everyone ran away screaming as the French laughed obnoxiously.
Chapter 7: Scene 9
Narrator AKA Frank: Kana's unknown husband AKA Kenji AKA Narrator-san
Director: Authoress (Me!)
Narrator's wife/widow: Kana
We see Narrator-san. An unknown voice says "Pictures for schools, take one." and the authoress says "Action!" Narrator-san began talking. "Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened Prince Yuki. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Yuki became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Box were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Yuki, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Box individually. Now, this is what they did--" Suddenly, a knight appears out of nowhere on a horse and slashes the Narrator-san's neck. Narrator-san then falls down dead. Kana runs to the body. "Kenji!" Since Narrator-san is now dead, the authoress has to take over!
Chapter 8: The Tale of Sir Ritsu
Three-headed guy: Minami, Mio, and Mai
So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Ritsu rode north through the dark forest of Okami, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. Sir Hiro and Lady Kisa were there too. The lead minstrel, Micchan, is singing.
"Bravely bold Sir Ritsu
Rode forth from Kaibara
He was not afraid to die, oh Brave Sir Ritsu!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Ritsu!
He was not in the least bit scared to be drowned in an onsen!
Or to have his tail ripped off, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Ritsu!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his penis-"
Micchan was cut off by Sir Ritsu and Sir Hiro covering her mouth. Sir Hiro would have let Micchan continue had Lady Kisa not been present. "That's uh… enough music for now, Mitsuru-san. I'M SORRY I MADE YOU STOP, IT'S JUST THAT LADY KISA AND SIR HIRO ARE HERE AND THEY'RE KIDS AND ALL! AND IT LOOKS LIKE DIRTY WORK IS AFOOT!"
Oddly enough, you can hear Naohito arguing with Mayuko in the background. Isn't he supposed to be a knight now?
Suddenly, three voices called out. "HALT!" Sir Ritsu and the others stopped. "Who art thou?" The three heads demanded. "He is brave Sir Ritsu, brave Sir Ritsu who-" Micchan was cut off.
"PLEASE SHUT UP! Um… No one really."
"What do you want?" The three heads asked in unison.
"To fight, and-" Micchan started again, and was silenced by Sir Ritsu.
"Nothing really. J-just passing through, good Lady Knight." Lady Kisa replied nervously.
"I'm afraid not." was her answer.
"Well, we are Knights of the Juunishi Table." Sir Ritsu explained sweating.
"You're Knights of the Juunishi Table?" the three heads asked in awe.
"We are." Sir Hiro replied suspiciously.
"In that case I shall have to kill you." Minami stated bluntly.
"Shall I?" Mio asked Minami.
"Oh, I don't think so." Mai answered.
"Well, what do I think?" Mio asked.
"I think kill them." Minami answered.
"Oh, let's be nice to them." Mai said happily.
"Oh, shut up." Mio snapped.
"Perhaps-" Minami began before Mio cut her off.
"And you."
"Oh quick, get the sword, I want to cut their heads off!" Minami said quickly.
"Oh, cut your own head off!" Mai said rudely.
"Yes, do us all a favor!" Mio agreed.
"What?" Minami exclaimed.
"Yapping on all the time." Mai muttered.
"You're lucky, you're not next to her!" Mio said angrily.
"What do you mean?" Minami demanded.
"You snore." Mio complained.
"No, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath!" Minami retorted.
"Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth!" Mio protested.
"Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea!" interrupted Mai.
"All right, all right, we'll kill them first, then have tea and takoyaki." Minami sighed.
"Yes." Mio agreed.
"Oh, not takoyaki." said Mai.
"All right, all right, not takoyaki, but let's kill them anyway!" Minami groaned.
"Right!" The three agreed in unison and turned to look at where Sir Ritsu and the others SHOULD have been, but weren't.
"They buggered off." Minami said in amazement.
"So they have, they scampered."
Meanwhile, Micchan is singing again. "Brave Sir Ritsu ran away!" "No!" Sir Ritsu protested, "Bravely ran away away!" "I didn't!" "When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled!" "No!" "Yes, brave Sir Ritsu turned about!" "I didn't!" "And gallantly he chickened out! Bravely taking to his feet!" "I never did!" "He beat a very brave retreat" "That's a lie!" "Bravest of the brave, Sir Ritsu!" "I never!"
To Be Continued……………….
Will Sir Ritsu ever become confident? Will Micchan ever shut up? (I do like Micchan, by the way) Will the Furuba gang get revenge on the French? Which is better, leeks or onigiri?
Next time: Sir Kakeru and the Castle (insert secret disease name here)! The Tale of Lady Tohru!
In case you're wondering……
Kyou: Why did you use random French people instead of random students to play the French?
Tohru: Because French people have better accents?
CIAFG: That, and the fact that I have more respect for the Kaibara students than to make them play the FRENCH.
Kyou: You're a political freak, aren't you?
CIAFG: Yep, that's me.