Chapter 10

Hey! To all my reviewers, THANK YOU. Your reviews really motivated me to write more. Okies, here's chapter 10 :

It took a quite while for Rangiku to figure out the whole situation. There were plenty of clues though, such as her captain sniggering (a thing the cocky brat rarely did) every time he saw her flat chest, someone claiming to have seen Hitsugaya smuggling sake from Shunsui's room, suddenly finding a medical cook book on how to get rid of unwanted body parts that suspiciously looked like it was "borrowed" from the fourth division under her captain's desk, and the sure knowledge that Kira would never have the guts to do such a thing without being –say- motivated by a certain someone.

Despite all the obvious clues, it took Rangiku a week to solve the mystery. Well, it was rather hard to think with the numbing affect of the amount of sake Rangiku gulped down to ease her sorrow of losing her precious assets.

Rangiku was having a terrible time. To prevent other shinigamis to notice the absence of the two large mounds, it took drastic measures. It was too much of a hope to think that nobody would notice. Why, her chest was famous throughout the entire Soul Society! It was the monument of envy from most of the females and great admiration from all the males. (With an obvious exception of a certain tenth division captain)

So, out of desperation, the Rangiku stuffed two large cushions onto her chest and tied it to her back. Anyone who peered really closely would notice a faint square shape through her robes. So far, only Hitsugaya noticed gleefully.

Rangiku was beyond enraged with her captain. She can't yell at him out right or he would reveal the secret of her square shaped chest. The most she can do is shoot piercing glares at her captain and be ruder than usual to him. She was failing miserably to obtain her revenge through that way though, as Hitsugaya was infuriatingly oblivious about it.

Hitsugaya strutted cockily to the tenth division. His master plan worked! That would show his baka vice-captain who was the boss! Hitsugaya would have dearly loved to spread around the tale about Rangiku's squared chest but he decided not to as Rangiku would spill out how she got a flat chest in the first place. Hitsugaya himself admitted grudgingly that he wasn't the type to arouse much pity. Sadly, Rangiku was. Therefore it was only logical that most shinigamis would side up with Rangiku. Anyway, even if Rangiku didn't use the pity technique, her faithful fan club (that consists of almost every male shinigami) would join Rangiku's side without fail.

Overall, Hitsugaya had a nice, relaxing day until he saw a copy of Shinigami Gossip Weekly in his office. No doubt it belonged to his baka vice-captain who he had just sent to run some errands. Just as he was about the throw the magazine away in disgust, he noticed something disastrous: his face was on the front page of the blasted magazine!

Under his scowling picture, a sentence was printed in red ink:

THE COCKY, DIGNIFIED CAPTAIN OF THE TENTH

DIVISION IN A NOT-S0-DIGNIFIED BRAWL WITH THE FIFTH DIVISION

CAPTAIN!

"What the heck!" he yelled. He flipped through the pages of the magazine. The entire blasted edition was devoted to his argument with that brainless carrot top! Hitsugaya stared in horror at the contents. The first ten pages were devoted entirely on the heated argument, though Hitsugaya was certain he did not remember saying some of the vulgar words. The eleventh and twelfth page recorded the fact of Ichigo keeping porn, and though Hitsugaya disliked Ichigo, he was certain that Ichigo did not have enough porn to fill the entire Court Of Pure Souls, as the magazine stated on both pages.

As Hitsugaya thought it couldn't get any worse, he turned to the last page. Stated boldly on the top of the page was: HITSUGAYA-TAICHOU'S SECRET WISH TO BECOME HINAMORI-FUKUTAICHOU'S LOVER.

The tenth division captain stared at the page blankly for ten seconds before swearing so loudly that his entire division heard him. "Guess taichou really does know eighty swear words," the shinigamis of the tenth division whispered to each other in awe.

Unohana raised and eyebrow when she saw her next patient. "I knew that you'd come by soon," she smiled at the editor of Shinigami Gossip Weekly. He had a fractured skull and both arms and legs were broken.

Rangiku smiled in satisfaction when she heard her taichou yelling a colorful stream swear words. Looks like her little plan worked after all. "This is just the beginning, taichou," she grinned to herself "You're going to pay the full price for shrinking my pride and joy."

Ichigo stomped towards him division moodily. He and Hitsugaya had just given the unfortunate editor a piece of their minds. He would have to endure endless taunting about his porn collection from Renji and Ikkaku later. That magazine had totally blown the amount of porn he really had out of proportion. He spent the whole morning avoiding Renji, Ikkaku, and most of all-

"KUROSAKI ICHIGO!" yelled a certain shinigami from the thirteenth division. Ichigo froze on his tracks.

"R-R-Rukia!" Ichigo greeted, sweat dropping nervously. Oh, was he going to get it now. He would rather face a thousand snickering Renjies or Ikkakus than face this one enraged female.

"YOU! YOU IMBECILE! YOU DUMBASS! YOU JERK! YOU PERVERT! YOU FREAK! YOU BRAINLESS DONKEY! YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT!"

"Oh does she have a powerful vocabulary," Ichio thought before yelling back, "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, WOMAN!"

"WHAT IS MY PROBLEM! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PROBLEM IS! YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING PERVERTED PORN IN YOUR ROOM!"

"WHAT I KEEP IN MY FRICKIN' ROOM IS NONE OF YOUR FRICKIN' BUSINESS! ANYWAY, MY OLD MAN MADE ME READ THOSE JUNK -"

"THE FACT THAT YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING THOSE UNHEALTHY THINGS IS UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE!"

"HEY, I THINK THAT YOU KISSING YOUR DAMN STUFFED BUNNY GOODNIGHT AND BATHING WITH IT IS ALSO TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!"

"LEAVE SNOOGUMS OUT OF THIS! HE WOULD BE HEART BROKEN IF I DIDN'T KISS HIM EVERY NIGHT AND SO WHAT IF I BATHE WITH HIM? HE NEEDS TO BE CLEAN TOO!"

"YEAH…NOT TO MENTION YOU USE YOUR 'SNOOGUMS' AS A BODY SPONGE DURING YOUR BATHS!"

"I DON'T – WAIT A MINUTE, HOW DO YOU KNOW I USE SNOOGUMS AS A SPONGE WHEN I BATHE?"

T-THAT'S BECAUSE I-"

"PREPARE TO DIE, KUROSAKI ICHIGO!"

Unohana smiled at her next patient, "I knew you'd drop by soon, Kurosaki-taichou."

"Shut up,"

You know what's the strangest thing? Ichigo didn't peek at Rukia while she was bathing on purpose. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Ichigo was really innocent and dense when it came to –ah- not so innocent matters compared to most shinigamis, despite Isshin's attempts to make Ichigo more "manly" by forcing Ichigo read porn.

Meanwhile, Hinamori was blushing over a certain article. "I didn't know Shirou-chan liked me too!" she thought, happily. She didn't dare to confront Hitsugaya about it though. She just wasn't bold enough.

Rangiku gave her the latest edition of Shinigami Gossip Weekly to read the other day. She wondered why at first because she generally did not read those kind of magazines. Now she knew why.

Rangiku had finally got a brilliant idea for her latest plot of revenge. She cackled gleefully as she went to the fifth division to see Hinamori.

Hitsugaya sighed moodily. He was forced to sit through these utterly boring, pointless captains meetings once a week for what reason, he did not know. Mostly, all he did during these meetings was dozing off while those brainless old geezers

argue pointlessly about which division was more superior.

Today, the meeting was going to be by far the most interesting meeting, as Hitsugaya was yet to find out.

The meeting started out normally enough, with the usual boring speeches and reports then came the pointless arguing and yelling.

Just as Unohana was lodging a complaint about the series of injuries the male population seems to be experiencing (with a meaningful glance at an uncomfortable Hitsugaya) the door burst open to reveal an extremely flustered Hinamori.

All the captains gaped in momentary astonishment. Then, embarrassed at being caught off guard they gazed questioningly at the surprisingly fierce looking fifth division vice captain.

"Hinamo-" Hitsugaya stared wide eyed at his child hood friend.

"Hitsugaya Toushirou!" yelled Hinamori, enraged.

"Umm…." Muttered Hitsugaya, baffled. Usually Hinamori would be far too timid to even look at a captain in the eye (with obvious exception of Hitsugaya) and now here she was, screaming her lungs out, face blazing and looking as if she did not give damn about the other captains thought about her

"Oh this is going to be a good one," Zaraki ginned.

"Rangiku-san told me that you shrunk her chest because you were jealous of her because your chest was smaller than her chest!" rambled on Hinamori.

"Wait a minute-I'm jealous of Rangiku's two lumps of useless flesh?!" Hitsugaya said, incredulous.

"You're so mean, Shirou-chan!" burst out Hinamori "Do you have any idea how upset she was!"

"I –um- didn't know that you –um- wanted to have –uh- boobs, Hitsugaya-taichou," stated Ukitake, barely covering the shock on his face.

"You should have told me," Unohana smiled, kindly "I could've given you a false-uh- upper body."

Zaraki and Shunsui snickered loudly while Byakuya snorted in appalled disgust.

"I can construct a pair of iron boobs for you, Hitsugaya-taichou," volunteered Mayuri, looking eerily serious about the idea "It would be a bit heavier but –hey- it would be more shiny than Matsumoto fukutaichou's chest. I can also-"

"I don't want boobs!" denied Hitsugaya, looking appalled at the very idea "I'm a male for crying out loud!"

Ichigo's eyebrow twitched violently, "Hitsugaya! It's already bad enough that you're a shrimp but now you want to be a sissy as well!" he shouted.

Ichimaru Gin grinned in his usual creepy manner. "Let's not be so harsh on the young captain. Maybe he's got a different view point on-"

"I'm not jealous of my baka vice captain's chest of all things!" hollered Hitsugaya, flushing deeply.

"That's what they all say," grinned Shunsui, nudging a scowling Hitsugaya cheekily.

"Now, now," said Unohana, calmly "We must respect Hitsugaya-taichou's interest even if his interest is a bit unusual"

"Unusual all right, kid," Zaraki laughed out loud. Unohana sent him a mildly disapproving look.

"As I was saying about these iron boobs, I can also install a program in it so it can actually contain milk-"

"I think, Mayuri-taichou, that we shouldn't go too deep into that discussion," Byakuya cleared is throat in a very dignified manner, though if you squinted really hard you could detect a faint blush on his cheeks.

"Aww, the conversation too rough for delicate, innocent Kuchiki-taichou's ears?" taunted Zaraki.

"What's that peasant talking about?" replied Byakuya in his usual I-am-too-bloody-important-to-be-seen-talking-to-this-company tone.

"WILL YOU OLD GEEZERS SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE BLOODY MINUTE! I-AM-NOT-FRICKIN-JEALOUS-OF-MY-VICE-CAPTAIN'S-CHEST!" yelled Hitsugaya, furiously.

Unfortunately nobody heard him because most of the captains were back to their old routine of pointlessly arguing and yelling.

Yep, this has got to be by far the most interesting meeting Gotei 13 ever had.