REDEMPTION- SAM POV
" Promise me Dean, you have to promise that you'll wait for me", I said, my eyes full of tears as I clutched my brother's hands.
" I'll wait Sam, I'll be always here for you, now go." Dean answered, sounding very tired.
Those had been the last words I heard from my brother. Then I took his car's keys and ran. Ran as quickly as possible to reach Kansas . . . Lawrence . . . home.
I had to go home again. I needed Missouri's help. Something was killing Dean and I knew it was a supernatural force. I had to save him. I had almost killed him at the asylum. Not physically, but I knew something had broken down inside of him and it had been my fault.
I had been so stupid and selfish, always whining and complaining and arguing. I hadn't understood why he had been so loyal to Dad. Really I had understood nothing about Dean. Nothing until that day at the asylum.
I hated that day. The things I had done, what I had said, what I had felt. I had disappointed my brother. I had betrayed him. I had shattered his heart into a thousand small pieces. I hated myself for all the pain I had put Dean through.
I should have fought harder against that rage, I should have tried to stop it but I was too angry. I needed to vent my anger on someone. And I did on my brother, my own brother, the one who had always protected me, the one who had always cared about me, the one who had wiped away all my tears and healed all my wounds . . . always.
I had only one way to redeem myself. I had to save Dean's life. I couldn't bear to see him laying in that bed, so weak, so pale, so empty, all his strength sliding away from his body. His cocky grin faded away, his confidence disappeared. It wasn't Dean in that hospital bed, it couldn't be him. Where was my beloved brother? Where was his annoying attitude? I missed that, I wanted him back.
I didn't know what to do. I drove his Impala for hours, thinking about him. Our whole life flowed before my eyes, I could see us as kids, then teenagers, then that day I told him I was going to leave for Stanford. I could remember the look in his eyes, his lips trembling, the tears forced back. I remembered him stiffening, clenching his fists, whispering just a few words, his farewell.
I had been so stupid, so selfish. I wanted a normal, apple-pie life, but I hadn't understood that it wasn't meant to be for me. I left him. I ran away. I never answered his calls, nor replied to his letters. I wanted to erase my past. But the past couldn't be erased. I had already betrayed him and I forgot it.
I drove and I prayed, begging God to save him. I remembered all the fights I'd had with him and Dad and all the times that he had been caught in the middle. Oh God, God. I was repeating it like a broken disc, no longer able to cohesively put together a prayer.
I saw him the first time we met Sara, he had fallen for her immediately. It was like they had the same soul. In my mind's eye, I saw her crouched near his bed in the hospital. I saw the desperation in her eyes. I couldn't stay there and see that any longer. I promised her I would save him. I promised Dean as well. What I didn't tell him was that I would do anything for him, I would save his life at the cost of mine.
And so, I ran. Ran without breathing, without thinking, the only only image in my mind one of my brother laying in that bed. The only emotions I felt was the fear of losing him, and my guilt that was like a knife plunged into my bleeding heart.
I cried. I tried to struggle against the tears, as we had been taught to do. I tried once, twice, but I surrendered to them at last. I felt the salty taste of them streaming down my cheeks and I felt myself dying inside. Every second was precious, every one lost was a threat to Dean.
Finally I arrived. Missouri gave me the cure, she was quite sure it would work. Without staying long, I thanked her and then began the long trip back. The car moved so fast that I believed for a moment that she really knew what was happening. I realized I had called the car she, and no longer felt embarassed by that. For Dean, she was alive, and that was good enough for me.
My heart was full of hope, of fear, of love, of guilt and I ran back, the only thing that I could do.
I arrived at the hospital and found my brother curled up in Sara's arms. I saw their eyes. His were so lost, hers were desperate. Both were convinced they were sharing their last moments together. He was dying, his breath so weak, his pulse so low.
"Come on bro'. Hang on. I know you can win this battle. Swallow this. I love you Dean, don't leave me alone, please. I need you. Please forgive me. " I was yelling these things at him. He had to know, I had to make him understand what he meant to me.
And, at last, he did. He swallowed the cure, looked at Sara, then at me, and a little smile formed on his lips. We smiled back, relieved. We knew he was going to be fine.
At last, I knew we were going to be fine and my heart, my heart ceased to bleed.