A/N: Well, since the previous chapter was based on a real experience, which happened a couple of weeks ago, I really didn't want to continue, 'cause I really don't like to think about all this. But I'll try to tell you what's happened, once more from BB's POV.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans.

…It still hurts

I'm sitting in my room, trying to remember what I had done just a few moments ago. What I've been doing for some weeks now. It was so familiar, yet every time new. The cutting.It is difficult to describe. Just like love. You can't really tell what's happening to you, you can't control it and you don't want to. You just submerge in the feeling, let it take over your body and soul until you're watching yourself do things you could never imagine.

If you'd asked me some months ago, what do I think of those who cut themselves, I would've said that they're people who can't take care of their problems, who are afraid to face the truths in their lives. Now I see that it's different. Now, that I'm doing it as well. A small lamp on my table provides just enough light for me to see the lines on my arms. Small lines carved into my skin, marks left from all the pain I feel. She's caused this. My dark angel, Raven, the only one I've ever loved more than life itself. Of course she doesn't know about this. Nobody does. Telling her that I love her was one thing, but this…this is wrong. I know, that I shouldn't be doing this, that it isn't helping, but I must cut myself. It helps me forget her for some time. In a sick way, I love doing this to myself. Yeah, I'm probably insane. And I don't care.

I know it's difficult to understand. Those who've never done it have no idea why would anyone do something like this. We've battled countless villains and we've been hurt just as many times. Yet I've never longed for the pain before. After the battle I didn't want to feel the pain again, though I knew that eventually I would. It comes with being a superhero and stuff like that. Hmm, superhero. That's what I'm supposed to be? Someone who sacrifices himself to save those who can't defend themselves? A selfless person, who despite all the odds and dangers throws away his fears and rushes forward to preserve justice? Is that what I should be like? I probably should be like that. And so much more. I should be a teenager, a friend, a lover. But I'm not. There's so much expected of me, yet I can't even breathe without her loving me! How can anybody possibly expect me to live like this and pretend that everything's just fine?

I don't mind pretending that I'm okay. Just as I can shift my body into any shape I want I can also change my mood. It's actually pretty easy. You're lying to everyone, even yourself. With some practice you can convince others to leave you alone. Alone. The word I fear so much. Yet the word isn't what I fear, but what it represents in my life. Loneliness, being abandoned. I'm scared of waking up to a day when there'll be no one beside me, no one to love me. I feel as small tears stream down my face when I'm writing this. I've started to write a diary. Dunno why, maybe to leave something behind when I'm gone. Some people say that writing down all the things that hurt your soul helps, but it doesn't help me. I force myself to relive all the pain I'd felt, when I'm writing. I have to recall all my failures, all the times I was too slow or afraid to act. My suffering stays with me and nothing can end it. Well, of course there's this cutting business.

A bloody ritual I keep repeating every day. There's no meaning in it, it just makes you want to hurt yourself more. Some of you might think that it is self-punishment, but it's not. Yes, I know that if I hadn't been so stupid I could be going out with Raven. It could be me kissing her sweet, soft lips, not Robin. I don't punish myself for failing. I can't change the past, so it's meaningless to think about what would've happened ifI would've done this and that. So why am I doing this to myself? I don't really know. There are too many reasons, and all of them together caused this. It's a way to relax, a way to forget what's reality and feel alive at the same time. It's love, hatred, anger, sorrow and pain combined in a single slash that opens up your skin. The beautiful small drops of blood appear almost instantly and you see how more and more of that lovely red liquid gathers up in the smallcut on your skin. After some time the drops of blood unite and create a red line. If you cut just the surface it ends here. The blood dries up and your skin heals. If you cut deeper the gash can become so full of blood that it starts to create streams. I just to love to see the drops of blood running down my skin, slowly but surely. It's even more beautiful after drying. And if you cut too deep…well, you know what could be the consequences. Death, or worse. Because there are far worse things in live than death. Death itself is a key to the door. It can release all the pain in single moment, take off the weight of living from your shoulders. I wish to die. There's nothing for me in this world. Nothing except for…

Hope. Even after she pushed me away and chose him instead of me I still hope. I don't know why, after all I'm notstupid to see how happy they're together. And still I hope that one day I'll be able to hug her, feel her body so close to mine that I would faint from happiness. I want to smell her hair, touch it, caress it, kiss it. I wish to look in her violet eyes and see that she loves me as much as I love her. I want to rub her back when she's sad, I want to see her smile every day, even if everything goes wrong. I want to touch her skin, so soft and smooth! I wouldn't stop kissing her lips until I needed to catch my breath again! I want to 'feel' her soul, to touch her life and become a part of it! I want to race with the wind, shout, tell the world what I feel towards her! I want…her love. Nothing more, just her love. It's a simple request, don't you think? After all, people give love every second, so it's no big deal, right? It's not like I want the world or anything like that. I just want her love to fill my heart, I want her to come to me and just be with me. I don't care about anything else in this world. I wouldn't care if everybody else would die if I could be with her.

I know I shouldn't think like this. Once again, a hero doesn't think this way. I could almost hear Robin telling me I should concentrate on keeping the city safe. Hell yeah, it's so damn easy for him to say that! He has Rae and her love, while I'm left here with nothing but my hatred! How could I save anyone if the only thing I consider important in my life is Raven?

All things pass in time. Nothing will remain forever and the same is said about love. But after two years of pain, thinking that the girl I love isnever gonna be mine, and then realizing that all of this was my fault…well, it's difficult to hope for a change. I can't leave the team. I know that it isn't forbidden, but this is the only place I can call home. I hope that there isn't eternal love. I can't live like this! I can't take all this pain anymore. And no matter how much it hurts, how much I wish my heart to stop beating I'm still alive. Thousands of people die every day. Murders, accidents and diseases kill every second. Why can't something kill me as well? Why do I have to live if I don't want to? I hate all those who say that life's a gift. This is supposed to be a 'gift'? This inability to shed tears, this lack of control, lack of compassion is a gift? No, death's the ultimate gift. Too bad people don't appreciate it enough. They hang on to their lives. I understand why. Because they know what does it feel when you're loved. I'm not speaking about parental love, or love between siblings, but true, pure love towards someone you hadn't before. Someone who isn't a member of your family, someone who didn't know you, yet would die for you. That's what they have. Love. Or at least a memory of it. They have the knowledge that they are important to someone, that there would be someone to cry for them if they died. It's easier to live like that. I don't pretend to think that life's all fun and games. There's so much negativity in it, it almost hurts to see where this 'civilization' is going. Everything's becoming a race, where there are only winners and losers. Winners claim the prize, while the losers are left all alone in a dark corner where they become consumed by themselves. Of course you can't win all the time, but to always lose what you want the most can be very disappointing. And to lose the thing that meant your life because of your own stupid fault…that's the worst.

When I feel that this could've been better, that I'd had a chance that I passed…I just can't control all the bitterness within me. It's too much, I can't bare to look at myself anymore in the mirror. I fear that I might punch the glass, break that image. A freak is staring back at me. A freak not because of the green skin, eyes and hair. Not because of the shapeshifting ability. A freak because I can feel it in my heart. I know I'm not normal, that I need help, that it hurts. But in the same time I just keep pushing myself deeper into this pit, I keep cutting myself until there's no more free space on my arms. I cut my shoulders, legs, chest, neck, hands, anywhere. I love this pain. Its softness reminds me of Raven. Another cut and the stench of blood is like her beautiful scent, the sweet smell of her violet hair. I lick the blood dripping out from one of the wounds. A kiss, Raven's lips touching mine, her tongue meets mine. They play like little children on a sunny day, running around in our mouths. Tears appear in the corners of my closed eyes again. The beauty of all this…it can't be matched. Although I know these are just dreams, visions, they are a lot better than the cold reality.

I open my eyes and the tears held back now escape, making their way down, stopping on the lips, and then quietly continuing further down. I look at the razorblade, peacefully resting in my bloody hand. Almost my entire body is covered by cuts, all of them pouring my blood. What a mess! But it was worth it. To forget her and dream about her, to leave her behind and see her at the same time…only it can bring me the peace I need. And peace can be achieved only through pain.

I slowly dress up. I try to clean the bloody pages of my diary. It was the victim of my previous 'dreaming', catching most of the crimson liquid. Hmm, I think it won't complain. I won't complain either. This is my secret, my burden. I want the help of others, but I'll never ask for it and if they offer to talk I'll push them away. I can't be helped. No one can save me, except for a single person in the entire universe. A single life, soul, beating heart, a single being in the chaos and the stream of life. The only safe point in my broken existence: Raven. But she'stoo far away from me to even see her light. Once I saw it, once I was close enough to grab her hand, pull her close and tell her how much I love her.

But I've missed my only chance. And that mistake still haunts me…it still hurts.

A/N: Wow, you can't even imagine how bad it felt to write this. Tell me, what did you think? Should I try to continue or not? As I said this is all 'live experience', as I'm going through this right now. I don't know how will all of this be solved, or if it'll ever be solved. All I know is that the feelings written in the story are mostly mine. Thanks for reading, hope you liked it at least a bit. Please review.