Standard disclaimers apply. E.R. Is not in any way my property, I don't really have any right to dabble with it. It's just a little spoof I came up with over their modus operandi, intended for fun and entertainment only. It is not to be copied or re-published anywhere without informing me first.
A.N.: This is a sequel to "Planet of the ER", another little spoof of mine. You don't need to read that to understand this, but it does help if you've obsessively watched every season of E.R. they've aired and started to notice certain character patterns…
Kovach is sitting in the reception area, restlessly leafing through what looks like patient files. It's very thick. Abby walks up, massaging her neck.
"Hey, Luka. I thought your shift was over."
He doesn't acknowledge her. She casually leans and reads over his shoulder.
"What the Hell is this?"
He finally notices her and shifts the pages protectively towards himself. It's private.
"Yea, I guessed as much when I read "Operation Save Luka" at the top. What's going on? I know I ditched you for a younger, richer, more stable boyfriend, but this doesn't mean I don't care about you. You can tell me."
He looks at her suspiciously. "You won't tell Carter?"
"No…"
"Well, ok. Now that Mark died in that spectacular way, though with that he achieved a near God-like status with the fans, he's still dead, and therefore not around anymore."
"Yes…"
"So now the "most liked character, male" position is open again."
"And you're trying to… Luka, you're very liked around here. Well, by the fans at least. Are you sure you want to get that position? Look where it got Mark! You'll have to go through a whole lot more emotional dramas than you ever had!"
"Yea, I know. By the way, thanks for breaking my heart and making me emotionally sterile. Every little bit helps."
"Listen to you, you've changed! There was a time when a heart break would have been enough!"
"He sighs darkly. The fans have changed. They want more, more and more! Sorry Abby, but I need to think up some ways to make myself more liked, so unless you can give me some pointers…"
"No, really Luka, I don't think you should keep this up. Sleep with some patient's relative, or another nurse, get over the heart break and start building a new life. They'll like it."
"No, they forget quickly about happy people. Look at Benton. I was thinking more along the lines of some kind of addiction, and a spiral of self destruction. You've got alcohol covered, and Carter already did drugs… that leaves pills and sex."
Malik passes by, and on hearing this he turns and says "Actually, Lucy did that. Pills, I mean." They look at him blankly, but Luka crosses out something on his file.
"You still work here?" Says Abby, tartly.
"Yes, I do my job and go home at the end of my shift. Not all of us can be fake blondes with a tragic family history and shag the most eligible bachelor among the doctors." He replies in a mocking tone before disappearing through the nearest doors.
"Envious." She hisses, then thinks. "Luka…"
"Mmmh?"
"My relationship with Carter… it's going rather well… I'm really happy… Do you think I should leave him?"
He snorts. "Not unless you make yourself more liked than him before! From the stories I've heard, rejecting Carter equals quick and definitive dismissal. They call it the "shagging John Curse". I'd concentrate on your family dramas for a while."
She starts thinking, tapping a finger against her chin.
"I've had mom coming over more than once. I need something different."
"Well, you've got a brother, haven't you? He says distractedly, collecting his stuff."
"Right…"
Dr Pratt ambles up, a smug smile on his face, Dr Weaver is walking behind, berating him for arriving late.
"And one more thing, Pratt. You're replacing Dave, the evil insensitive but nonetheless handsome doctor. It's very difficult finding your type nowadays, so try and be more liked. I don't want to replace you as well."
"I'm covered! I've got a tragic situation at home! Though I must say it's a real bugger."
"Who doesn't? Besides, that only covers the evil."
"Maybe you're right boss. What should I do then?"
She sighs. "Cover the basics, take example from Luka, he's really good."
The both look at Luka, who notices them and, shifty eyed, tries to gain the exit with a big bulge of papers.
"What are you doing? Are you stealing something from the Hospital?" She demands, effectively stopping him in his tracks.
"No… it's personal stuff."
"Can you give young Pratt here some advice?"
"Change your name, prat."
"No, that would only confuse the fans. Besides, Dr Cheng already did that, and it was only a bother."
"Then try the good 'ole heart ache."
"Right, Pratt, I order you to get involved in an unbalanced relationship. When you've got more experience, we'll talk about serious heart break."
Pratt, looking slightly frightened, nods and walks away. Dr Weaver keeps a finger pointed at him until he's gone. Abbie looks at her for a long moment, then puts up a fake smile.
"By the way Carrie, congratulations for weathering the "gay storm". No one had managed that yet! But…"
"What?"
"Well… how are things going?"
"Oh, excellent! Thank you."
Abby brightens up. "Oh, you too? Great! I was afraid Carter and I were the only ones in a good relationship."
"Oh, that! I'm passing through a dreadful phase! What's more pathetic than a pre menopausal lesbian doing artificial insemination trying to have a baby?"
"Er… I could actually think of a few-" She falters under Carrie's icy glare.
"But it fails. Miserably. And my partner doesn't want to try it herself, coldly staunching my maternal instincts."
"Yes, well, dreadful, right… I have to go." Abby makes a run for it.
Carrie pats her cane and starts to whistle cheerfully the "blue bird" song.
More than one year later
"So my partner dies in this hospital, heroically, I might add, and the relatives take away the baby, the only human being I have left to love in the world. How's that sound?"
"I did think you were too happy not to be cooking something. My god, Carrie! This'll tide you over nicely for the rest of the year, maybe even more if you stretch it." Says Carter, patting her on the head. He heaves a big bag on his shoulder.
"Well, after having half my family die of natural causes I'm heading for a near-death experience in the worst war-infested politically correct part of the world I can think of. Whish me luck!"
"Oh, step on a mine, by all means. It's a deep and controversial issue that's not given enough attention in the US." Says Abby, in passing. "At least that way you wouldn't be copying Luka. He's been swinging the "war zone" theme since he got here, he's way more experienced than you."
They watch her going away in silence.
"What's with her?" Asks Chen, tying a black ribbon of mourning on her stethoscope with "momma's lil'girl" embroidered on it.
"Oh, you know, the usual. She dumped me when I was about to ask her to marry me in the most romantic environment a team of dedicated writers had come up with. I'm devastated and heading out with "doctors without borders"."
"Ah, the shagging Carter curse hits again. That'll be a tough one to top."
"Naah, she'll be alright. Brother's death and all, you know. The fans excuse a lot of things for death of a loved one. Oh well, I'll go and join Luka in vaccinating impossibly cute African children with big soulful eyes now. Bye!"
Later, In Africa
"Malaria? You know, dysentery is very, very much more likely. Common, you'd say."
"Exactly. I'm going for the romantic sweaty brow."
"You get a sweaty brow with dysentery as well."
"Not in the romantic way you don't."
"Fine. I guess I'll just have to drag your sorry, feverish ass back, then."
"Maybe. It depends. I mean, malaria! I'm milking this for all that's worth. You can't get malaria in Chicago, and this place is so full of potential. I was thinking of pulling a "heart of darkness" type of thing here. Unstable character deep in the woods or something, you know."
"You're going to go insane? Interesting… far from me to try and restrain you. Kurtz Kovach has a nice ring to it."
"Ha! You wish. Nope, just a bit of ignoring my self-preservation instincts."
They both stare at a coughing, cute child.
"Ooooh! I know! I'll hide in the forest under the rain, feverish and haunted, and give all the medicine to a cute child until all the people I've helped and risked my life for abandon me! Excuse me, I have to round up some people now…"
"Not so fast! I want to risk my life too! Not fair! I'll… I'll… I'll have the guerrilla fighters almost kill me!"
"Oh, yea? Well, then I'll have them kill me!"
"Sweet. I'll come back for the body and move heaven and hell to get it."
Carter bounces off.
Luka snickers. "Sucker."
A few months later
Carter is grumbling about a stupid Croatian doctor, who is lying romantically feverish on a gurney being loaded on a plane, grinning smugly.
"John, you're my saviour! If I had to lye romantically feverish with my shirt torn open on my muscular chest any longer I don't know what would have happened. There were a few women that were starting to eye me hungrily, not to mention one of the guerrilla fighters. I'll forever be grateful. Let's go back to the US and start a manly, platonic friendship." He grabs Carter and kisses him on the forehead. Carter jumps back stealthy.
"Yep, well, actually, I'm due for some serious heartache. I guess I'll just stay here, impregnate a clever girl and marry her out of the blue after more than ten years of emotionally dysfunctional relationships. And start and AIDS fund. And fight with my dad. And take over the family fortune I've never embraced to do some serious good to a country that almost killed us twice."
"I didn't hear the heartache in that little speech, mr smartpants."
"Right. Then… miscarriage. Ah! At the end of term! Baby ready and all. And then, of course, she'll leave me."
Luka's eyes widen as he's whisked away, helpless. Echoes of his "nooo" barely surface over the din of the aircraft.
Carter chuckles to himself. "Fool. The "most liked character, male" shall always be me. Mark left the place to me. And it is mine, all mine! Bwahahahah!"
Finis?