Everybody's Favorite Book Seven
Bill and Fleur's wedding was going to be the social event of the season, even with Voldemort and his Death Eaters on their murderous summer rampage. The wedding would be located in glorious Godric's Hollow, and everybody who was anybody was invited to attend.
Since Bill had acquired his new, werewolf-chewed face, every gossip in the Wizarding world wanted to see Beauty marry the Beast. Practical Molly Weasley suggested, "Why don't you cash in on all the sick fascination by doing the wedding registry at every fashionable shop in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade, as well as Borgin and Burkes?"
The young couple, thus encouraged, registered for the priciest goods in every shop and invited every wealthy member of every wizarding family, including Narcissa Malfoy. The future Mr. and Mrs. Bill Weasley stood to make a killing.
Harry Potter was in a great mood on the big day; he had made hash of the Locket Horcrux the day before, having traded a mouldering old brassiere (that he had sworn belonged to the late Mrs. Black) to Kreacher for it. He was also happy that Ron had tasteful new dress robes so he wouldn't whine so obnoxiously over dressing up.
Hermione planned to dazzle them all in sexy, strapless summer dress robes, and Ginny was furious that Fleur had forced the bridesmaids to wear the magenta bridesmaid robes with Peter Pan collars that had caught her eye.
The wedding day dawned clear, but by the time the ceremony was supposed to begin, storm clouds rolled over. The wedding had to be hastily moved from the verdant meadow where it had been located, into the dungeon of the local VFWW, (Veterans of Foreign Wizarding Wars.) Each guest was responsible for levitating his or her chair from the meadow into the building, and a certain amount of chaos ensued. Fortunately only four guests were knocked unconscious by falling chairs, and as one was Mundungus Fletcher, Molly could breathe easier about the mountain of wedding gifts.
What can be said about the ceremony? Fleur looked her exquisite self, wearing Great-Auntie Muriel's splendid Tiara, and Bill looked great for a Mad-Eye Moody look-alike with two legs and two eyes. He wore his fang earring. Molly wept, but whether out of joy or sheer irritation must be left up to the reader to judge, and Arthur toasted the happy couple with a handsome golden Badger Cup.
The Weird Sisters arrived, and the reception began. The crowd was huge, and it seemed to grow larger several hours into it. A crowd of masked revelers had arrived; they were dancing gaily in the center of the dance floor. The punch, spiked with 'Old Ogden's EverClear,' had a remarkable effect on these new arrivals, and when the band struck up a tango, a dark haired woman partnered by a tall skinny fellow with glowing red eyes put on a spectacular exhibition that had everybody applauding.
The emaciated chap went to revive himself at the punch bowl after the dance ended, offending several people by cutting in front of then for refreshments. He then proceeded to grab the mike from the lead singer and ordered the band to play a medley of Lionel Ritchie ballads. He belted out "Truly" in a truly high, cold, horrible voice, and the assembled witches and wizards began shrieking in protest.
Harry, who had been hitting the punch himself, howled, "You suck! I've heard Mermen with better voices!"
Fred and George began pelting the unfortunate singer with dung bombs, cackling madly, until the man's furious dance partner levitated the wedding cake over their heads and dropped it on them. They retaliated by setting off a huge pile of Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-Bangs in the dungeon, sending blazing hearts and sparkling flowers diving at the guests.
A cake that serves four hundred creates a mountain of mush, and everyone got right into it, throwing wads of cake indiscriminately around the room. The crowd went wild. Ron levitated the massive punchbowl over the embattled singer and dumped it on him, causing him to snort punch up his slitted nostrils and stop singing. The singer reached for his wand, and hexes began flying everywhere. The rest of the masked guests began dueling with the unmasked guests, and soon a hundred people were weltering in pastel cake slush on the floor.
Through a butterbeer haze, Harry realized that the frustrated crooner seemed familiar, and thought vaguely, "I should attack that guy." But he lost him in the crowd, and headed briskly for the punchbowl again.
The crooner rushed suddenly up to the new Mrs. Bill Weasley and made a grab for the tiara on her shining blonde head.
"'Ow dare you!" The gentle bride shrieked, kneeing him brutally in the groin. He doubled over in agony, loosening his grip on his wand.
From behind a curtain, a sour-faced wizard dressed in billowing black robes sneered, "I'll take that, you dunderhead!"
He grabbed the wand and snapped it firmly over one bony knee, saying "It pains me to say it, but ten points from Slytherin, Mr. Riddle."
The wizard in black was preparing to depart, when he caught sight of Mrs. Longbottom, ravishing in her best vulture hat, and nodded respectfully. "Nice hat," he said, and Disapparated.
Minerva McGonagall had watched this interaction, and before the unfortunate crooner could even stand upright, she Transfigured him into a large chunk of cheese.
A chubby, unwashed wizard in a mask shrieked, "Is that 'Stinking Bishop' I smell?"
The creepy little guy threw himself on the cheese and greedily consumed it in a matter of minutes, moaning ecstatically as he chewed.
"No… stop, don't eat that…" Professor McGonagall muttered half-heartedly.
The cheese-obsessed wizard turned into a moth-eaten rat, began having convulsions, and died. Mrs. Norris, Argus Filch's beloved cat, rushed up and devoured the dead rat. She licked her lips happily, then keeled over, frozen solid. Mr. Filch dropped to his knees and began wailing over his unfortunate pet.
An elderly wizard in spectacular violet dress robes that were covered in bling, walked up to the stricken Squib and said comfortingly, "Don't worry Argus, she is not dead, merely petrified."
The stylish ancient wizard, looking like a walking disco ball, moved to the center of the dance floor. He used his wand to hogtie the masked guests, pointed his wand at the floor and said "Scourgify!"
The Weird Sisters start to play again, and he yelled, "Sirius, get in here. It's the Macarena!"
Sirius Black rushed in to join him, dropping a bag of dead ferrets on the gift table as he passed, and the pair began to shake their booties to the hypnotic beat.
Meanwhile, Luna Lovegood realized that Great Auntie Muriel's Tiara must be a Horcrux, and she scooped it from the bride's head and stomped it into pieces. She then turned her attention to the handsome Badger toasting goblet, and bashed it to bits with a granite Rune Stone bookend that had been a wedding present from Rita Skeeter. With one Horcrux left to be destroyed, she decided to be thorough, systematically smashing and perforating every wedding gift on the table, thoughtfully saving the gift receipts as she did it.
No one ever discovered that the final Horcrux still existed. It was a magnificent bronze chamber pot that had belonged to Salazar Slytherin's Aunt Gertrude. Argus Filch had found it decades ago in a dungeon storeroom, and used it nightly. Even had a remaining Death Eater known, they would never have touched so disgusting a relic, and the world was finally safe from the return of Lord Voldemort. One can only wonder if the scrap of soul encased in that bit of bronze was cursed with any awareness.
The Happy Ending
When Hogwarts opened as usual, Harry Potter was named Head Boy, and the brilliant Luna Lovegood skipped a year and become Head Girl instead of Hermione. Henceforth Harry Potter was known as 'The Boy Who Got to Party and Be Ordinary in His Seventh Year.' The next 800 pages will detail each student's love life in such obsessive detail that every last reader will tire of the snogfest and decide to line the birdcage with the pages.
Finally people will stop asking JK Rowling to write another Harry Potter book, because after the first chapter of Book Seven, it was soooooo boring!