Author: Courtney Hill
Rating: R
Disclaimer: This is all J.K. Rowling's…I'm so glad she thought this up so we could totally make fun of it and slander it.
Warning: If you don't like some slash and weird crap happening this is not for you…. Plus its totally making fun of Harry Potter…. So if can't roll with the punches don't read this and come out bloody and beat.
Chapter One: The Whole Thing begins and the Plot Thickens and bad stuff ensues…and yeah that's pretty much sums it up.
Somewhere in Great Britain
9:13 am
Voldemrot and Petigrew were sitting down to a nice breakfast of kippers and biscuits, when Voldemort staring down at his breakfast moodily looked up broody to see Peter shoving food in his mouth as fast as he possibly could. Completely oblivious to Voldemort's deep inner pain. Damn it! What did he pay this moron to do! Wait…I don't pay him, what do I torture this moron to do! He's suppose to notice when I'm sad. Voldy decided to be nice and help Petigrew along.
"This is your que to ask me what is wrong!" Voldemort hissed out of the corner of his mouth.
"What?" Peter didn't even look up from his plate; he ate at every meal like it was his last. And seeing how moody Voldemort. That was a good idea; Voldemort was as moody as a pmsing woman, not that Peter would know, as he'd never had a girlfriend. Or even a girl who was a friend.
"ASK ME WHAT IS WRONG!" Voldemort roared…honestly these people didn't bow enough or worship him enough. Damn fools, he thought as tears threatened to come out. He hated it when he got like this; the only thing that made it was better was a good dose of that Imperius curse on Petigrew.
"Ummm…what is wrrrong mmy, honnnorable dddark lorddd?" Petigrew stammered out at the sight of the wand, yesterday's two hours of the Imperius still fresh on his mind…well the sex afterwards was really on his…cough. Back to the matters at hand. His mouth hung gaping open with all his half chewed food showing.
"Don't talk with your mouth full, its rude." Oh yes, and he's Mr. Polite himself…anyway. "And yes, there is something wrong, I'm afraid it's making me rather moody." He mused.
"What's new?" Peter mumbled under his breath.
"WHAT?" Voldemort roared and Peter stumbled to clean up the mess he'd made, well not the one in his pants, that one would have to wait.
"I meant, I knew that…I mean whhat can I ddddo to make it better." He faltered under Voldemort's glower, but at the end of his words, Voldemort was nodding with a somewhat pleased expression. And Peter let out a sigh of relief, he might escape punishment after all.
"Well, now that you mention it, you can do something. Not that I've had this thought up for some time or anything…come here you pitiful rodent! We can't give the plot away so soon!" He drew Petigrew across the table with a flick of his wand. He whispered in his ear and Peter steadily grew paler.
"NO!" He protested at the end and tried to break away, Voldemort's face flushed a nasty red color. Because let's face it red is just not his color.
"Oh yes you will! I need to defeat Potter and by stealing his most valuable tool I will win! You better eat up! Tonight we strike!" Lighting flashes and Voldemort stands up, wiping his cloak around his face he stalks off.
Oddly enough, the mention of food makes Peter grow green. Looking down at the plate of food he was eating not so very long ago, makes him look like he's about to purge.
"Why do I always get myself in these situations?" He groans before gagging over his plate.
Hogwarts: Broom Closet 10:30 pm
"Harry that was wonderful." Ginny breathed and smiled up at Harry.
"Glad to make you happy." He smiled back at his girlfriend as they basked in a happy glow that follows after…well I'm going to take a leap and guess you know what they're doing in the broom closet. Here's a clue, it doesn't involve brooms or cleaning supplies.
He then happened to catch a glimpse of his watch, (don't ask how or why) and cursed a streak.
"What's wrong?" Ginny asked immediately alert as she shoved Harry off and started pulling on her clothes.
"The library closed an hour ago! Ron's to suspect something." Harry frantically followed her lead as he threw on his clothes with abandoned care.
Ginny suddenly stopped and stared at Harry as if seeing him in new light. "Harry, Ron's so dense that he hasn't even noticed that Hermoine's become a slut." Ginny explained slowly as if talking to a four year old.
"She has?" He asked looking scared and alarmed at the same time. Ginny snorted and said something that sounded strangely like dumbass.
"Come on, we better go." Harry grabbed Ginny's hand and pulled her from the room, throwing his cloak over the both of them until the made it to the entrance to portrait then he pulled it off and they entered the room together to face….
With Ron who was working on a nasty essay, one he'd been working on since Ginny and Harry had left, five hours ago. Ron looked up and took them in. His face was expressionless and told them nothing. Harry started to sweat lightly.
"Harry, Ginny…studying at the library." It was a statement not a question, but his tone was bright. And he hadn't noticed their flush faces, the marks on Ginny's neck that were in plain view, the way their clothes were half buttoned and rumpled, or how Harry was wearing Ginny's shirt by mistake, and he even didn't catch how they were holding hands.
"Yep, well I'm exhausted. Good night." Ginny gave a big fake yawn and brushed past Harry on her way up to the dorms. Harry stared after her dreamily for a moment before turning back to Ron with a thoughtful look.
"Ron.." He started hesitantly. "Do you think Hermoine's a slut?" Ron looked up outraged. He pointed a finger at Hermoine who was sitting on top of Semus currently making out madly in an armchair. She was wearing a tank top that didn't even qualify to be a shirt, with a skintight mini, fishnets, and heels that could impale you if you so desired.
"Does that look like a slut to you?" Ron asked as he glared at Harry for even suggesting what she was. "Look, she's helping Semus with his homework, and you're her friend. I'm appalled you could think such a thing about Hermoine."
Harry looked down abashed and nodded. "Your right….Its just Ginny said…" Harry started and Ron cut in.
"Ginny? You're listening to her? Listen Harry, Ginny has no idea of what's going on. I do. I know everything that's going on, women know nothing." Harry gave a funny look at Ron then and decided it was time to go to bed.
"I'm going to bed, night Herm!" He called, she merely gave him the finger and he waved back with a small chuckle. "Pmsing…" He whispered to Ron and they laughed over that.
"Nite mate…..oohhh shiny!" Ron exclaimed as he saw something that only he could see. Harry rolled his eyes and headed to his bed.
And it was while, Ron played with shiny, and Hermoine snuck out to meet Draco Malfoy, and Harry slept. That a rat entered into Hogwarts, up into the Gryffindor tower, into the dormitory and to Harry's sleeping form. Then it left with something in his mouth, it could be short or long, depends at what angle you look at it from.
The Next Morning
Harry woke up to a bright sunny day and stretched. He was the only one left in the dorm. And the quiet was a luxury he was enjoying. Only finally dragging himself up and going to the bathroom. But there was no twinkling and his hand merely gasped air. Harry then looked down and saw the unthinkable…
Harry Junior was missing!