The fire spread through the pyre quickly. But even as the heat increased and the skin on his face seemed to be aflame itself, Hephaistion refused to take a step back. Too close – too close to this pyre being his own. Or in fact, he knew it was his own.

Guilt, anger and a deep melancholy had settled over him, after they had returned. Guilt, because he had so effectively blinded himself to the truth of their past, for all this time. Anger, because Alexander's pride had so easily replaced his love. And now, it was too late to change anything.

Hephaistion stood separated from the rest, not only closer to the fire than the others, but the other generals and soldiers deliberately kept their distance from him. They were as unsure what to make of Alexander's decision to move Hephaistion's tent back to its old place, near Alexander's own, as Hephaistion was. Not that the king had given him any more attention after that, though Hephaistion would get a stern nod every now and then, as they passed each other. As far as he knew, Alexander again considered him a general. Or maybe not.

Alexander stood just within his view, his face solemn and unreadable as he stared into the flames. He had laid his right arm around Bagoas, who gratefully rested his head against his king's shoulder. Hephaistion realised he may be here, instead of alone on the road, but he still felt as lost and alone as ever. The fire was rising higher, and small sparks danced around him. The heat was almost unbearable. Hephaistion closed his eyes.

Someone stepped up beside him. "Trying to get yourself killed?"

Hephaistion looked up, startled, but recovered quickly. "Not really. You?"

Ptolemy raised one eyebrow, then shook his head. "Come, step back."

With a small shrug, Hephaistion followed the general as he tugged on his arm. As soon as they stopped, he turned his face to the pyre again, avoiding Ptolemy's questioning eyes. He wasn't sure he was ready to explain anything at this moment.

"Have you finally given up?"

Hephaistion sighed inwardly. "I'm here, aren't I?" he responded tiredly.

"Indeed you are." Ptolemy was silent for a moment. "But you puzzle me. Are you on mad Alexander's side now?"

A annoyed sound left Hephaistion's mouth, as he glanced over at the other man. "If anyone would hear you talk like that…" The last thing he needed was yet another person who'd start accusing him of things that he could neither affirm nor deny.

"No one will, just you," Ptolemy answered, his voice holding a trace of sarcasm. He threw a quick glance around to stress the fact that everyone had distanced themselves even further. "What did he do that you came back?" He paused, but as Hephaistion didn't answer right away he added, "What did he do that you started lying for him again?"

Hephaistion's face revealed nothing, but for a tightening of his jaw. It was true. And he had known, as soon as he met Ptolemy's eyes earlier, that the other had seen right through his made-up story. On the moment they had reached camp, he had breached his first promise to Alexander. When shocked faces greeted them, and Alexander had been quiet and refused to look at anyone, Hephaistion had softly stated that Alexander's man had died in a fight against local barbarians, who had thought it a good idea to attack some lonely traveller.

Really, it was as good a truth as any. But still…

Hephaistion pondered his words carefully, then decided with a sharp voice, "What do you suggest I told them? That Alexander sent someone after me to kill me, then jumped on my horse to come and get me back? That he killed the man who only followed his orders, without the slightest sign of being bothered by taking a life, just like that? That he violated everything I stand for, everything I've been trying to keep him from doing all these years, and yet I came back?"

The small, surprised huff leaving Ptolemy's mouth did not escape Hephaistion's attention, and his lips formed a wry smile. "Don't you agree that's something between me and Alexander?"

The reprimand wasn't lost on the other man. "That's not what I meant," Ptolemy pointed out softly. "I was just wondering at the power he obviously holds over you, even if you claim it's not the other way around."

Hephaistion closed his eyes. "Thank you for pointing that out to me, I hadn't noticed that," he mumbled, but the venom in his voice had lessened. It was time he stopped chasing away the only person that still had the mind and courage to seek him out. He took a deep breath, then finally turned his head back to the other's eyes, and the dancing flames reflected in them. "You know what he told me, Ptolemy?"

It was the general's turn to look away, and he bowed his head before looking up again. He sighed. "No."

"That it's all my fault. That's what it all comes down to, really."

"You know that's a lie," Ptolemy cut him off. "Words from a man who's out of his mind. What could you have done?" They breathed in silence for a few moments, and as Hephaistion made no effort to reply, Ptolemy slowly opened his mouth. "Then again, I can't know that, can I?"

"I'm… I'm only just beginning to understand it myself." Hephaistion's thoughts spun. A part of him wanted to talk about this, wanted for someone else to shed some light on his situation, yet that would call upon a lot of his courage. He felt his mixed emotions rising again. Damn you, Alexander, why did you have to make things so hard on us both? He suddenly felt how the loneliness had been eating its way through his heart, and how it had inevitably made him weaker. "Ptolemy… I don't know what to do. He wants to be strong by himself so badly… I don't know where to start."

When he blinked, the tear that had been threatening to fall made its way down his cheek. He bit his lip hard and kept his eyes closed, willing himself back under control. This was not the place to let go.

Ptolemy stood silently for a while, but didn't reach out to offer comfort, and Hephaistion was grateful. "If you want me to help, I need to know what's going on," he finally said.

"Just stay with me now, if you will. I need to be here." With the last words, Hephaistion's voice had dropped to a whisper again. He needed the confrontation with the flames, with his life, he needed to let his mind wonder in peace. He needed to know he was not alone, too.

"Hephaistion."

He looked up. Ptolemy looked at him, and Hephaistion gave him a questioning look.

"I've seldom seen a man as strong as you."

Hephaistion turned his grim face back to the flames, accepting the complement only by bowing his head to the almighty fire roaring before him. There had been times when strength hadn't felt so weak.