A/N: It's official. I love you all! You're all so great I can't even describe it! I have no idea why I am saying this but I just want to say that I appreciate you all to no end. If you are reading this then I love you in a non creepy way. And if I see you on the street and by some miricle you know what I look like I still love you... I just don't know that I love you. Most likely you don't know that I love you either though cause only about three or four people on the whole site know what I look like. So we're even.
I think I may be saying this because I saw Rent yesterday. It was soooo touching and beautiful and GO SEE IT! Everyone in that movie should get an Oscar. Especially Angel. ANYWAY! Today we will be interviewing Jason. Jason is my boyfriend who I havn't met but will in the very near future I hope(and if Jason W. is out there and thinks it is him I havea big fat GET OVER YOURSELF! for him).
Jason: Hello babe.
Sunflames: Love!
Jason: Your eyes they are shining pools of intelegence that make my heart soar!
Sunflames: Really? What do you think about my hair?
Jason: Your hair shines with the vibrance of the wild ocean!
Sunflames: (sighs dreamily) Quick! Do the discliamer so that we can go see "Rent". You can hold me as I cry on your shoulder.
Jason: My love has such a wonderful idea! She does not own Rent(though she wishes that she had it on dvd) or the Teen Titans. She does however own Tyler, Jessi, angry citizens of Jump City, and Logan. Logan stands for eveything I am opposed to and I would beat him up if her wern't over seas. And he's not in Iraq either cause the soldiers in Iraq deserve respect and he doesn't so nyah!
Sunflames: He's got a way with words, part of why I probably will fall in love with him. On with the chapter!
Chapter 13 :Dear Baby Boy:
Tyler's head spun. His mind was reeling with tons of thoughts, each new to his fifteen-year-old brain.And his mother wasn't helping things much. She just stood there, looking at him with a strange mixture of fear and acceptance. Fear and acceptance. How those two things could each show so clearly in her emerald eyes, he didn't know, but neither did he care.
"Mom, is that guy my dad?" he demanded, almost desperately. Starfire only kept staring at him until finally, she nodded slowly. Suddenly, she couldn't seem to look him in the eye. Her eyes met only the carpet, studying the individual fibers, looking anywhere but her son's eyes.
Tyler's eyes were wide with shock and confusion. Shock, confusion, and disbelief. As young as Tyler was even he could sense the malice radiating form his "father." Tyler's confusion soon gave way to anger. So he struck out at the first person he saw.
"So you were just never going to tell me!" he demanded. "You were just gonna let me think I was the miracle baby with no father?"
Starfire winced at his harsh words. She tried to look up at him, but when she did, when she met the hurt in his eyes, all comforting words left her mind and the only words she could think of kept repeating themselves in her mind.
"Tyler... I am sorry," she whispered, tears already threatening to fall from her eyes. Tyler saw this and became even more frightened. Fright always transforming into anger.
"Really? What are you sorry for, mom? Are you sorry that you never told me? Or that you ever went out with him? Or that I was ever BORN?" and with those final words, Tyler stormed from the room, leaving behind a very shocked and hurt Starfire.
Starfire felt as if she had been slapped for the second time that night. She looked around at her friends, silently asking one question. 'Where did I go wrong?'
Tyler stomped toward his room, intent on sorting out his emotions. Unfortunately, there was a six-year-old girl in the way.
"Tyler, what's going on? I heard shouting." Jessi asked groggily, for though she denied it she was sleepy. Tyler frowned. Maybe he should tell her. She couldn't be a kid forever. Maybe Jessi should know about his rapist father.
"Nothing Jess. Just... go back to bed. Sweet dreams," Tyler grunted. He stepped past Jessi and practically ran into his own room, flopping down on his bed.
He lay there like that for a while. Just staring at the navy blue coverlet on his bed and wishing desperately that he could simply wake up from this nightmare. His brooding was interrupted by a knock at his door.
"What?" he called loudly, surprising himself as much as his visitor. Tyler almost never was so gruff. Slowly, the door eased open, revealing Starfire. Her eyes looked red and puffy and Tyler felt a twinge of guilt for saying those things to her.
She held what looked like a small book to her chest as she sat at the edge of Tyler's bed. She reached out to him, perhaps to touch his shoulder, but stopped herself, forcing her hand back down to her side.
"Ty, we need to talk. I know I was wrong in not telling you about Logan, but—"
"Logan? Is that his name?" Tyler interrupted. Starfire looked at him pleadingly and he fell silent with a small 'Humph.'
"But you cannot stay angry at me for this. I admit that I made a mistake and I know that you are hurt right now. I also know that just sitting here and brooding will not help. This is not something that can simply be put in the past."
"Dammit mom! Stop talking at me like I'm Jessi's age or something!" Tyler exclaimed suddenly. Starfire flinched at his coarse language. Even Tyler was surprised at himself. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he wasn't being fair, but his sense was blurred by the twisted feeling of self-disgust as his vision was blurred with tears.
"Stop saying you made a mistake and stop saying you're sorry! You and I both know you wish you never met him and you wish I had never come along and ruined you perfect teenage life and your cutesy little romance with Robin. I'm not some dense, dumbass, second grader like the ones you counsel over at your school!"
Starfire's mouth hung open and she starred at her son, who's attention had returned to the opposite wall. She wanted to scold him for saying such things. She wanted to yell at him for not thinking about how she would feel,. But she didn't. Because she could hear something in his voice. Something so utterly familiar that it scared her at first.
She could hear herself, yelling at Robin about how it was all her fault and that she deserved whatever happened to her. She knew the feelings that he was feeling. She knew that he was slowly tearing himself apart with grief and self-hatred. So she didn't yell or scream or even scold. Slowly, she placed the old book next to him and stared at his defiant face, knowing that this was definitely her son.
"I got this when I found out I was pregnant with you. I figured that you would like it one day. Come talk with me when you're ready." With that, she stood wearily. She was suddenly aware of how old she was.
Thirty- two. Relatively a young age but when she thought about all of the harsh words and hard times, sick feelings and sad days she felt as if she were unbelievably old. For the first time she wondered about her own childhood, though it was practically non-existent.
When she wasn't expected to be a dignified little princess she was ordered to stifle her tears like a good slave. When she wasn't defending herself against the cold streets of an alien planet she was defending others against the evils of the same streets. And not once was she told that she needed a day off. Never did anyone say, "Hey, take a break. Be a kid."
"Tyler, you are fifteen years old. You are a kid. All I have ever wanted to give you was a childhood, a chance to just lay back and have fun like children should do. I wanted to give you everything I could never have. I did not want to tell you about him because that is not something you tell a child. Obviously it did not work and was possibly a very wrong choice, but, baby... I tried." With a final sigh Starfire retreated out of the room, leaving Tyler in the darkness.
Tyler remained still for a few more minutes, thinking about what his mother had said. A childhood? She had wanted to protect him? Tyler snorted and tried to convince himself that he didn't care. She still should have had the guts to tell him this. She shouldn't have left something this big to him finding out. She should have stepped up.
Tyler sat up and looked at the book Starfire had left on his bed. Is was small with a lavender cover. The cover had no words on it and it was held together with a small bit of purple ribbon. He stared at it for a moment, battling internally over whether she should open it.
On the one hand, it hardly mattered. She hated him and trying to convince him otherwise was a waste of time. On the other hand, no one wanted to be hated, him included. Maybe she was really sincere. Maybe she wouldn't trade him in for a happy life. Maybe...
With a defiant swing, Tyler grabbed the small book and curiously opened it to the first page. Written in the proud, elegant script of his mother was what looked like a diary, though the contents instantly pricked at his interest. Carefully, without breaking his gaze from the book, Tyler pushed himself into a sitting position with his back against the wall.
My Dear Baby boy,
I love you. Yes it is true my darling son, I love you already. Today I went to the doctor and saw you for the first time. The doctor had a strange machine that is used to see inside mommies' tummies so that the doctors may know if you are healthy.
Here was inserted a Polaroid of a young Starfire with a large belly. She was lying on a white hospital bed and was staring intently at a blurry black and white screen. A large smile was very visible on her lips.
You only just started kicking a few weeks ago. I try to tell the others, but Beastboy still insists that it is gas. Oh, my goodness! My wonderful child, you do not know who Beastboy is or even the others! Well you must know about them as soon as possible! For they will be your family as they are mine.
Tyler turned the page to see a picture of all of the titans clustered around Starfire and her large belly. Arrows were drawn to all of them with small descriptions of them all. Tyler skipped down to the arrow pointing at her stomach.
And that is you! Baby boy, do you have any idea of how much I want you to be with me at this very moment? I do not think that my friends understand how truly excited I am to have you with me. Sometimes I wonder what will happen when you find out about your father.
Oh my, I did forget to tell about your father didn't I? Well that is not a happy subject, but since we are already talking...
Tyler your father raped me. How I will dread saying this you your sweet innocent face but it is true. I dated him for one night and he raped me. I was broken for a long time after that but now I feel like I can move on. Little baby, do you realize how much I love you as you grow inside my tummy? I truly believe you are a gift from X'hal, just to make my life brighter. Do you know that precious one?
Of course I am not afraid of him now. Now I am ashamed that I ever was. I am afraid that you will think that I would trade you for relief from that one night. Little baby boy know right now at this very instant that I would not give up the little kicks at my stomach, or the warm feeling I get when I think about you or even the morning sickness I have been having lately for anything. I would go through many such nights if it were to keep you. But since that ishardly necessary I am glad that your father is off of the streets.
I wonder if you would like the name Tyler. That is what I intend to name you. It is an English name meaning 'House builder' This is very fitting, for you will be the little house builder who will help me to put my life back together. On those days when I feel like I cannot go on and even Robin cannot pull me out of the depression, I will simply think of my precious house builder and how much he deserves.
Love,
Koriand'r. Starfire. Mom.
Fin.
Yes, I feel that I should leave you all on a heartfelt note. I am in essence, finished with Feeling Dirty. But, don't flame me yet! I intend to write an epilouge so watch out for me one last time! and after that Watch for my upcomming fic. I'm really excited about it, probably why this chapter was so hard to write.
One chapter to go!
--Flames of the Sun
(ps. Can someone help me? My songfic, Love, keeps getting deleted and I don't know why. The email says that it's because the content isn't mine, but I put a disclaimer on the lyrics. have the rules changed? help me please! I don't want to be permanently banned!)