Chapter 9 - Remus and Rainzzi

"We need to talk, Remus," Sirius said.

Remus inclined his head in his peculiar way, "Exactly what I reckon. They've all left, only Harry remains. He's in his bedroom. The kitchen should be empty." Taking the lead towards the kitchen serenely, he did not once glance back at Sirius until they arrived at the kitchen. Remus sat down casually and Sirius took a seat adjacent to Remus', for a minute or so, they simply sat there, waiting for the other to take the initiative to start the controversial yet highly necessary conversation. Unable to bear with the intolerable silence, Remus finally broke it courteously.

"Look, Sirius, it's not what you think," Remus began, then he hesitated, "I mean, it's not what it seems to be."

Sirius stared at Remus quietly, "Then tell me what it is."

Remus was slightly taken aback, the tranquility of Sirius' response shocked him, it was not something he had been expecting. He had thought Sirius would simply snap and he would not be surprised if he thumped him right away. Of course, Remus was grateful of that, at least, he could have the opportunity to explain.

"It is nothing," Remus said paradoxically, looking firmly back at Sirius.

Sirius let out a scoff, but it was one so soft that was not far from being mistaken as a smirk. "To what extent do you think it's nothing?"

"Nothing special has found its way to me and Rainzzi," said Remus hastily, "At least, not now."

"Then what about in the past?" Sirius asked sharply, his fathomless blue eyes bored into Remus' demandingly.

"Whatever happened in the past is irrelevant to the present, Sirius."

"Still, I want to listen to it," Sirius said, leaning forward on the table with a concentrated expression, and swept his arm in an absent-minded manner. "And I must add that there's no need to whirl about or reserve anything. Just tell me the whole story."

Before Remus could get the nerves to answer straight-forwardly, his eyes wistfully swept to the fireplace, as though he wanted nothing more than to just disappear into the fireplace and thus avoid answering the question, but…he knew well that the discussion was not to be postponed; if the story must be unearthed, he hoped it was from his own lips. "Do you really want to listen to it?"

Sirius beckoned.

"If you're so sure…Let's see…I suppose it all traces back to 15 years ago when you were wrongly imprisoned in Azkaban for blowing up the muggle street and betraying James and Lily." Remus could not help letting out a gasp before he spoke again. "I was utterly thwarted; I had lost everything overnight. James and Lily were gone, Peter was murdered and you had supposedly betrayed us all…"

Sirius stared at Remus fixedly with a slightly baleful look, as though daring him to say anything like "My agony tempted me to chase after Rainzzi in order to seek comfort".

"Rainzzi had come to me the day after you were sentenced to life imprisonment in the prison, trying to talk me into persuading them to give you an open trial. But I had decided to isolate myself then, I had dictated myself not to be in contact anymore with everyone who would bring reminisces of you lots, and basically I had been furious about you. I didn't think you deserve a trial…" Remus chanced a peek at Sirius between sentences, but Sirius looked all eager and tempting that he couldn't possibly stop for any longer. "And I had actually considered living my life as a muggle from then on until…you know…the news of Rainzzi being tortured by the Lestranges reached me a few days later.

"And my mind changed completely…Although I was fully aware that her memory was beyond remediation, it did not stop me from attempting to reacquaint myself with her. Everyone was astonished of it; they thought I should be indignant of everything that was linked with you. But I would attribute my attempt to the fact that I no longer regarded her as a possible accomplice, but a fellow, an equal, if not a more pitiable victim, and no less, my guiltiness. Had I pay more attention to her or stay with her, Lestranges would never have the chance to lay their fingers on her."

"Honestly, Remus, I still can't believe you hadn't taken care of Rainzzi," Sirius looked away from Remus for the first time, trying to smooth the anger that was spreading dangerously inside. "Rainzzi and I were two different entities, you shouldn't have vented out your frustration of me by ignoring her."

"I know, but…" Remus swayed for a bit, but there was no excuse. "Anyway…after Rainzzi had lost her memory, Mr. and Mrs. Delanuit started feeding her with false information about her past. They told her she had always been obedient and on good terms with them. And they also trying to indoctrinate into her that she had been threatened into an engagement with you, and that she had never been in love with you." Sirius made an angry sniffing with his nose, which Remus knew was of mixed incredibility and devastation.

"But I felt that it was kind of cruel," Remus continued incredulously, "It's really pathetic to live with an untrue past, so I surreptitiously communicated with her anonymously as a truth-spiller, telling her all the truth that I considered as essential.

"Rainzzi was kind of doubtful at the very beginning, but I reckoned her elder brother- you know- Sunny had somehow justified my statements. Out of idle curiosity of her unknown past, she replied my letters and eventually believed in my reliability. Reserving most of the minor details about you and her- you know, I did not think it's a good idea to have her filled with them and besides, she was not particularly nosy about you- I finished my destined job soon. But we didn't stop keeping in touch, we sort of became each other's outlet of desperation and misery. We wrote to each other whenever we were in need of a listener, and natural curiosity made Rainzzi later demand revelation of my real identity. I did not want to hide in the dark, too, but then her father was still very influential in the Wizarding world in spite of his retirement, and he was at that time proposing many anti-dark creature laws that aimed to discriminate against my kind."

"Remus…" Sirius interjected sympathetically, but Remus dismissively waved his hand to silence him.

"You got the reason why I did not tear off my mask, Sirius," Remus said plainly, carefully composed his face to be devoid of self-disgust. "Our friendship subsided after that, Rainzzi was reluctant to spare any more time for me; an anonymous pen-friend who never revealed his own identity. Beside, the prejudice other people showed her had driven her excessively long for power which would guarantee her a high-status and social recognition, she was struggling very hard to rise in the Ministry. And with the help of the family name and her closeness with Fudge's family, she was soon accepted as a junior auror…"

"Remus, I have known this part of the story long ago," Sirius said impatiently, "Can you not beat about the bush?"

"This is in fact where my story started," Remus said, Sirius immediately turned a bit rigid at that. "That was exactly when I started to wonder about the feeling I had for Rainzzi…I was sure that it was neither mere friendship nor could I call it love…But I certainly fancied her in some ways…" Remus stole a glance at Sirius cautiously.

Sirius twisted his face and returned the glance very sharply, but he didn't say anything. He just jerked his head up a bit, motioning Remus to continue speaking.

"I had tried to bottle it up, I really did. Still, I was unable to restrain myself from protesting when Rainzzi obliged to date Brice Fudge in order to please her parents and the Fudges. She was soon promoted as a senior auror. Revealing my real identity, I did not care about the consequences of bringing my identity to light anymore, I tried to persuade her that it was not worth it to date Brice, but Rainzzi valued her job and status far too much. And I was fully aware of my insignificance. I knew that even if I confessed the mild feeling I had for her, it still wouldn't make any difference at all."

When Sirius looked at Remus, who was both agitated and flustered, there was hazily recognizable a pang of confusion in his heart. He was feeling sorry but he didn't know who he was feeling sorry for…Was it really Remus? Or was it himself instead? Sirius had anticipated that Remus had done every nasty thing to disregard him in order to impress Rainzzi, but it was far from reality. What Remus confessed kind of spoiled his earlier irascibility, not only was Sirius made conscious of his unimportance to Rainzzi (Remus didn't even need to do anything against him) but he also almost felt pitiful of Remus. How ridiculous was that? Remus was supposed to have double-crossed him! And there Sirius was, inwardly pleading for mercy from himself.

"And then 3 years ago, when you escaped Azkaban and remained at large, everything was twisted and turned upside-down. In half a month's time, Rainzzi was degraded as a junior staff in some small Ministry department and Dumbledore asked me to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. She had been all fragile and defeated at that time, and we had been exceptionally close as I was the only one she felt that she could rely on. I knew I shouldn't have raised my hopefulness, but then our statuses were changed. I was superior to her for the first time, and then I grew to gain enough confidence to insinuate into Rainzzi that I have a thing for her," Remus said, his voice soft and shameful.

"She was no fool, she soon got the implication. Throughout that year, we got closer as we had never been. However, we never started, because Rainzzi was wishing that her nominal relationship with Brice could prevent her from being further demoted. Despite that I wasn't so superficial as to give a damn for their nominal relationship; her mindfulness of morals had put a halt on our progress. And our entanglement and lousiness had vanished about a year later, after I discovered the truth of your accused betrayal."

Remus halted and met Sirius' intent stare. Sirius' expression was thoughtful but quite unreadable, it was impossible to guess what he was thinking about.

"I'd a serious word with Rainzzi, and she didn't protest. In fact, she had never given a shit when it came to me," Remus gazed at the ancient platinum vase on his right, but Sirius had caught his sad countenance before he turned. "It's all that happened between us, it was nothing in fact. We didn't contact again until she rejoined the Order. I can assure you that the feeling was not mutual at all, it never has been. It's just me. It's nil on Rainzzi's side."

"Are you sure?" Sirius inquired, deadpan.

"Positively," In spite of himself, Remus nodded with a little smile.

"So…" Sirius began uncomfortably, "Do you still like Rainzzi now, Remus?"

"No!" Remus replied a little too promptly. "I doubt that."

"I see," said Sirius, staring at Remus who returned the stare.

An alarmingly excruciating silence descended upon the two men sitting around the dinning table, each enveloped by their own thought. Sirius rubbed his chin distractedly, torn in between what to feel. To be honest, he didn't really feel furious, but at the same time he couldn't quite bring himself to say that he felt nothing. It was like…yes, it was like being tickled by pins or something of the sort, one wouldn't really feel painful; nonetheless it annoyed him/her to death. How hopeless was that?

Sirius glanced up at Remus, who squirmed would-be-nonchalantly, his lips twisted for a while but he determinedly pressed them together. God, he almost told Remus not to feel guilty or anything. Don't feel sorry for him, he's been chasing after your girl, a voice arose from somewhere in Sirius' brain, had Rainzzi have the same feeling for him, he would have already betrayed you!

But, another voice appeared, do you have any grounds to be indignant of Remus? Can you seriously blame him? Sirius leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes peacefully. That's right; he didn't have any grounds to be indignant of Remus. How could he blame Remus for falling for Rainzzi?

Emotions were a very weird and uncontrollable thing that no one could ever suppress, Sirius knew it. And the origin of affection was always untraceable; one never knew approximately when he/she had fallen in love, when it came, it came.

Sirius brought his face behind his palms, trailing off to think about himself and Rainzzi. The problem between them was exactly that, love was neither controllable nor traceable. And another major problem was: people fell in love at different times and fell out of it at different times. One was left sadly juggling the pieces of a fractured heart while the other had danced away. Everyday Sirius told himself not to mourn over Rainzzi, but he ended up thinking more of her, wanting her more. It was not just anguish, but also frustrating. And, Sirius thought, it might be what Remus feeling, too.

"Remus…" Sirius muttered, slowly opened his eyes. Remus looked up at him, Sirius appeared quite expressionless, but in a very unnatural way. It was as if he was either in an imaginary maze or having some internal debate. "If…I am just saying if…I ever get back together with Rainzzi, what would you do?"

Remus gaped at him for a second but quickly recovered, "I would wish you all the best."

"For real?"

"For real," said Remus very sincerely, and when they stared at each other, the uncomfortable atmosphere vanished. Sirius could feel a flow of warmth that reminded him of their fraternization.

"Well, I think Rainzzi's awake," Remus said slowly after a thumping sound from upstairs, "I am supposed to be on duty to safe guard Trelawney today. But…I don't feel like doing it now. Perhaps we can interchanged, Sirius?"

Sirius nodded. "I'll take Harry with me back to the Lyttelton Mansion," Remus was saying when he got up and smooth the front of his shabby cloak.

"Take good care of Rainzzi, Sirius," Remus whispered as he walked around the table.

Sirius gazed up at Remus, also getting up, and walked straight to him. He looked at Remus intensely for a little more and saw nothing other than loyalty. Sirius pulled Remus into a one-arm hug awkwardly and left without saying any more thing.

…

"Shit," Rainzzi murmured under her breath, she shouldn't be so clumsy as to have accidentally bumped into door when she turned. Assuming Remus or Sirius had heard of it, she strode across the room and lay in the bed again as her mind raced back to the conversation she had just overheard.

We never started, because Rainzzi was wishing that her nominal relationship with Brice could prevent her from being further demoted. That's true, Rainzzi thought, feeling a bit resentful of herself. That's what she had always done with her relationship with Brice- seeking advantages from it. But what's wrong with it? Both of them made it clear at the very beginning that the relationship was only for convenience and mutual benefits. She wasn't really gaining at the expense of Brice, so what's wrong with that?

In fact, she had never given a shit when it came to me. Listening to the imagined voice of Remus saying it miserably again was far worse than hearing it for the first time, but Rainzzi almost laughed out loud in sarcasm. The silent laughers died in her head died immediately as it echoed. She had never given a shit when it came to me…She had never given a shit when it came to me…She had never given a shit when it came to me…

Where did that guilty feeling come from? Rainzzi thought difficultly as she dug deeper into the pillow, attempting to empty her mind. But that wouldn't do. Even when her mind was devoid of Remus, there were still about one thousand other problems. Her lids felt extremely heavy when she suddenly remembered she was supposed to be at a dinner with the Fudges at the very same night. And dinners with the Fudges were always impossible to evade from. But she just wanted to stay there in the comfortable bed and enjoyed some peace.

She closed her eyelids and pretended to be asleep when the sound of footsteps grew nearer and nearer. She was sure it was either Sirius or Remus who walked in, but she didn't turn to confirm exactly who it was. She just wished he would leave her alone.

But, quite contrary to what she had wished, whoever he is, he had sat down on the edge of the bed and had clasped his hand on hers. Feeling the boniness of the male's hand, Rainzzi concluded that it must be Sirius Black's. His hand didn't withdraw; instead it found its way to get entangled with hers.

Rainzzi stirred in the bed a bit, but still Sirius wouldn't release her hand. She was completely distressed; being in the company of a ex-convict, not that she thought he would be a threat to her life or something, but it's…it's just that…he was a stranger to her.

Yes, Rainzzi's ex-fiancée Sirius Black was a stranger to her.

Rainzzi raised her lids a centimeter or two to take a peer at Sirius, thinking he wouldn't notice it. But Sirius was staring right back. "Feeling better?" he asked, with a smile clinging to his lips.

Grudgingly, Rainzzi sat up and faced him directly. "Can I have my hand back?"

"Sorry," Sirius muttered, releasing her hand, but he didn't move an inch while Rainzzi's glance darted forth and back from him and the empty chair besides the bed. Whether he got the message or not, Rainzzi didn't know. He was staring at her with so much concentration that he seemed to be paralyzed.

But what he did next had proven that it was quite wrong. He bended forward and ran his fingers in her hair tenderly. Rainzzi leaned back away from him in alarm and swept off his hand abruptly. "Sirius, I appreciate the fact that you lend me a place to rest and all, but I think I deserve some respect and courtesy."

Sirius looked at her difficultly before he stood up. For a moment, it looked as though he was considering leaving, but he turned around again to face her before he ever took a step. "I know you are exhausted. But certain words have to be said and things have to be taken care of. I will try to keep it simple and brief," Sirius said and took a deep breath, "Rainzzi, I think it's about time for us to sort things out."

"Frankly, I don't think anything needs sorting," Rainzzi looked at him in dismay. "There's nothing between us personally. If you want to discuss about the Order, I suggest that you-"

"Nothing?" Sirius interrupted with disbelief, "Yes, maybe there's nothing now. But I think I may be able to help you regain your memory." Rainzzi stared at him, but her face fell when he pointed at a silver basin on the wooden shelf in the corner of the room, "My pensieve may help you."

"Those are your memories, not mine."

"But you spent most of your time with me, Rainzzi," Sirius said calmly. "Those are your happiest years."

"You wouldn't know," said Rainzzi mutinously, "I expect my happy moments were all spent with my family instead of you."

Sirius let out a sardonic laugh, "You know it by heart that you don't like them."

"They are my family and I know I like them," Rainzzi lied instantly, "What's more is that I don't think anyone can know myself better than I do."

Somehow, this seemed to be hilarious for Sirius, for he had just laughed out loud again after looking at her.

"Care to remind me what's so funny?" Rainzzi demanded, feeling a little rattled.

"Rainzzi…" Sirius breathed, "Do you know that about 19 years ago, you've once said the same words to me?"

Rainzzi stared at him blankly.

"But you were wrong, you later admitted it," said Sirius, gazing at her with a little glint in his eyes as he drew closer. "You told me I know you better than you do."

"Know what an impression you give me, Sirius?" Rainzzi snorted loudly, but she didn't recoil from him. "You're just pulling my legs. You keep talking about something that you know that I don't remember and claiming it's all true. Honestly, I'm not sure if I trust a single word you uttered."

Sirius looked a bit turndown. However, he didn't hesitate. "You can validate it if you go into my pensieve. You'll then know all of what I said is true."

"Give this all a rest, please," Rainzzi sighed, and launched herself out of the bed, standing at the other side of the room as Sirius stood up, too. "I have had enough of this bullshit. And I think I have made it clear to you that we are no longer fiancée and fiancé. What do you still want?"

Sirius looked at her with darkened eyes, "I just want to help. For years, you were so desperate to have your memory back. But when I offer you the chance to regain your memory, you reject it. Does it make any sense?"

"Of course it doesn't, but only because you're wrong when you said I was 'desperate to have my memory back'. I have never been desperate. I am very well without it. And it has been quite some years already, I have started a new life, which I am very satisfied with," Rainzzi said very quickly. "Still, it might be a cool idea to regain some memory, but if the memories of you and me being together are all that I would get, I'd rather prefer not trying." She shot Sirius a brief look, "And, one more thing, don't act as if you know me, okay? The truth is: you don't know me, I don't know you. We don't know each other."

"You may not know me, but I do know you well," Sirius growled emphatically, "They all say that you've changed, Rainzzi. But I personally don't agree with them. You haven't changed for a tiny bit."

"No, I have changed. A great deal. But it may take some time for you to fully discover the difference," Rainzzi paused, but added when he didn't look deterred, "Do you understand? I am not who you thought you know. I don't know what I used to be like with you. Maybe we have been really close. But the important thing is, I am uninterested in you now and I don't care about us anymore. I will never again. And that's the point, it will never work anymore between us."

"How can you be so sure of it when you don't even give us a chance?" Sirius asked imperiously, his expression unreadable.

Rainzzi stood there, frozen for a moment. "I don't need to try everything before I conclude I don't like some."

"I won't give up on you," Sirius curtly declared, "I'll never give up on you, Rainzzi. If you would just give it a try…" His hand gestured to the pensieve again.

"Black!" Rainzzi lost her patience finally. "Can you please stop referring the past? Forget about the past. We. Have. No. Past." She paused and glared at him, "And if you're so determined and sure of yourself, why can't you do something which is more relevant to the present than to the past?"

"If it's what you want me to do, fine. I'll do it," Sirius said firmly, his eyes almost sparkling with firmness. "I'll start chasing after you again."

"Whatever you like," Rainzzi sighed, it was obvious that they couldn't communicate. She picked up her cloak and put it on, "Because, basically, either way, I won't fall for you. You'll just be wasting your time if you insist."

She strode to the door of the spacious room, eager to get away from Sirius. But Sirius grabbed her hand at the last moment, willing her to look at him in the face. When she did, Rainzzi was instantaneously shocked by the strange satisfaction glowing on his face. "Rainzzi, do you know that you had told me you wouldn't fall for me, just like what you've just said, before we started going out?"

"The history is always repeating itself," Sirius continued. "I'm sure I'll have you again by my side in no time."

"Rubbish," Rainzzi mumbled, all the while flinging Sirius' hand off. She practically jogged to the door. Complete non-sense, bullshit, crap, she shook her head helplessly. Nothing would happen again between Sirius and herself. But she couldn't help wondering, if she was so sure about not falling for Sirius, why had she got this really ominous feeling when she walked out of his bedroom?

A/N: Please review. Things are going to lighten up a bit between Sirius and Rainzzi! Rainzzi will talk to her young brother Sunny in the next chapter.

P.S. I can't believe it. Someone said the Sirius that JK created has gray eyes! NO! Sirius has got to have blue eyes!