AN: This story is really about me.. At least the middle part… But it was too depressing so I fixed it up. It was originally called "Lost in Myself" But I changed the title to "The Hardest Thing." I hope you enjoy it.

There was a time when someone realized that it was time to die. They didn't know how it came about.. It just happened. Their love was gone to some other place and not to be found. So there was no real reason to live anymore.

They also realized that they couldn't just disappear out of thin air. They were… practically required to write a letter. A suicide note technically, but they thought that sounded two morbid. So they sat down not on any chair or throne but on a simple tree, that had meant the world to them sometime earlier in their life.

The memories oozed from this tree, causing that someone to have an awful headache that spread to the rest of their bones, into their blood and blurred their vision with crystalline tears that finally spilled down their cheeks and onto that long letter.

Tears stained the pages not from sadness but from a need to return that salty water to the sea. When finished, the letter was so cryptic it made no sense. It went from an inner monologue to a meaningless, imaginary conversation with the one they loved. Here is the letter that was found.

"There was once a moment where I felt empty. My world was vacant because I was nothing. Everyone abandoned me for an instant because they saw a glimpse of my true color. I know I'm beautiful but I feel I'm stone on the inside. My heart is black but everyone sees white. My life is ash but everyone sees fire. I feel like I'm not worthy of anyone. Especially God. No one deserves me because I am so infinitesimal I don't matter. Why would anyone want someone who is sinful like me?

Someone who recognizes that they are sinful has no sin. Someone who asks for forgiveness has already been forgiven. Someone who loves truly is always loved in return. This is not a matter of question it is true. Always true.

But this truth haunts me. I know I am sinful and yet my sin does not disappear. I know that I am an awful person, but no one else seems to see it.

I ask for forgiveness and I am forgiven. My treat my friends like nothing and I am always forgiven. Always.

This is what stops me. I don't deserve such forgiveness for my actions. I don't deserve such friendship or love. Yet I receive it. I receive it like it was nothing for it to be given to me. I know there are others who deserve this more than I do. Why do I receive such things?

The truth is that I am afraid. I'm afraid of what the future would bring to me. I am afraid that someday, everything that has been given to me will be taken away. My friends will desert me. My family will come back to haunt me for the wrongs I've done, My love will hate me, my protector will persecute me, my wounds will re-open, and the gates of heaven will be shut to me.

Stone cannot be loved, or forgiven or protected or healed when cracked. Such a stone will never find deliverance. A real stone has tribulation. But I am a fake stone. My flesh shows others who I really am. My life betrays my appearance. I am nothing more than a foolish idiot who acts like a stone.

I am like the water. The water slips through the cracks and changes. It is the one that cracks the rocks and the one that kills. My waters hold no fish. I bring only pain and do not provide anything. I change and adapt negatively to my surroundings. I'll kill for money and steal from the poor and the children. I will push anyone aside that gets into my way.

I am shallow water. I care only about my reflection. I'm a vain and hate all who are ugly. I can see no one's soul. I can see no one's love. I can see only how they look and what they do. I am shallow and vain.

How can you love someone as horrible as me? I am an awful person and you don't even understand what I have said. I'm so shallow; I don't care how nice or sweet you are. I only care about if you match my standard. You are not who I envision. Someday I know I'll be ready for you… Someday I'll want someone who loves this fake, water-stone. I can't commit to you… You had to have known that. I'm just.. Not ready for someone like you. Don't ask me why, I don't even know what's holding me back. I have been dammed.
You still don't understand. Let me put It this way: I'm trying to hang on, but I feel like I'm already falling.

… I know some day that you will catch me and I will try to be ready for you when that day comes. It will not be forced. I can't force myself to love anyone. It will be gradual and you might have to wait a long time for me.

I think that maybe… We are destined to be together. No. Not because of any Paopu fruit.. We have an en.

Yes, I spiritual connection which goes deeper than any stupid fruit legend. I'll know when I am ready. I'll know when the time has come for us to be together. I can't force myself to be ready for you. Though I wish deeply that I could.

I must warn you… My love will not fade but it may change. I may love you In a different way than you expect. I may feel like we should remain forever together but apart.

…

As friends not lovers.

However.. I can never control how I'll feel in the future. Don't make me feel guilty for what I haven't done.

I know you didn't mean it that way, but I may take what you say anyway I choose. Be careful of what you say… I had to learn this a long time ago. I still have not gotten it down.

I hope when you return that you will still love me the way you do now.

I hope I can find this beautiful heart of mine.. Because it has been lost.

If you can see it.. then how come I cannot! If I'm so fucking beautiful then how come I can't see it!

I think… Some people have their beauty on the inside and some.. Have their beauty on the outside.

Truth? There is no such thing as truth.

So.. I must say my last goodbye in this letter. Because I am ash I shall return to ash.

There is no future for me."

The hard part wasn't drawing the knife over their wrists or waiting for the darkness to set in that person thought. It was trying to imagine the feeling that that person who cared for them would have when they learned of the news that their love was dead.

That was the hard part.

That was that someone's last thought before they fell into an endless sleep where their heart would hopefully be found and they would realize that their soul was inside them, shining brightly, hidden by their inability to see themselves.

"It was such a shame," said their love, holding the bloody knife in a death grip as their tears fell and stained the note. "She was so capable of seeing the pureness in others, and yet she could not see her own pure heart."