13. Dear all o'v'o)

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Luv, Kaleidoscope

Everyone has a limit in the depth of their heart; a least acceptable limit that is never to be crossed, or to put it more accurately, you wish it never be crossed. On one side of the border you are happy and satisfied, there are the things you would content to get along with, no matter how nasty they might be, simply because they are labelled by you as acceptable, while on the other, you are better off dead than alive, everything there is to be damned, although they might appear to other people as negotiable.

Each person set their deadline at different lengths. Some people set theirs at a touchable distance, while some seem to have no limit at all. But such extreme people are seldom found. It is because those overbearing people who refuse to accept anything a bit uncool often find life intolerable at an early stage that they eventually withdraw by committing suicide, and the latter ones we are so despising of their concessions to everything that we don't want to take another close look at them and, as to beautify the sacred human morality, we simply pretend there's no such people in the world.

Deducing from empirical evidence, psychologists claim that one's deadline is always not set at where he/she assumes it to be; rather, it won't be realised unless it was severely tested and examined.

And Rainzzi just realised for the first time at where her deadline lay.

The road where she was walking along was deserted, rid of life, provided that it was already midnight.

As a soft breeze howled past her, she gave an involuntary shiver, accidentally bumping her arm on the wall. A surge of pain ran through her veins yet she gave no indication she was sensible of it as it was outweighed by a sickening feeling.

She grasped her elbow obliviously and fell to lean on the cool surface of the wall. Facing the velvety night sky, she wanted nothing more than to throw back her head and yell frantically at the sky, demanding whoever it was that ruled the world why it kept amusing itself by upsetting her. She could find no other reason to explain her persistent unluckiness.

It's as though she had been jinxed back on the day when she came to the world that every disaster had found its way to clap their claws on her. But she had never complained about the fairness of life before, though she had been reproachful at the world at some point. She used to believe that between everything that happened there existed a certain kind of man-made causality.

She used to have utter confidence in her willpower then, and she made it crystal clear to close ones that she thought, with her intelligibility and endeavours, she could overcome any unfavourable circumstances. She believed she was in her own hands, not in any God's. It was an arrogant belief which not everyone had the guts to have faith in. Rainzzi just happened to be one of the rare ones.

Never in her life had she felt so frustrated and powerless. But sometimes, no matter how tough one was, there's just no stoppage to surrendering to destiny.

The past mishaps she didn't take to heart, since they were in one way or another either remediable or tolerable, and the obstacles and difficulties she encountered just added to her ambition and aggressiveness to survive and to prove herself to those who had looked down upon her. But this time it was different.

A marriage with Brice Fudge was both irremediable and unbearable.

At one point she almost thought she deserved it, for she should have considered it probable before she started dating him. In fact, she did have, as every sane person would, entertained the possibility of the relationship-in-convenience resulting in a marriage, but everyone tended to be impetuous sometimes, especially when they were blinded by short-term merits. What was she to do when her parents analyzed, just as she had been demoted, the proposal of starting a relationship that seemed to only bring benefits but no harm whatsoever?

Rainzzi remained resting upon the wall for quite a while. Though she would never admit it, she was a bit scared by the muteness and coldness engulfing her, which brought forth an excruciating sense of hopelessness. She was desperate to find someone reliable, maybe just to stay with.

At work, she could talk to whomever as she pleased, but during times of neediness of a pathetic ear, Rainzzi could practically find no one at all – one of the major consequences of being too ambitious and fastidious.

Of course, she saw Remus as her friend, but she wouldn't allow herself to trouble him any further. It would be too heartless to do so.

For a split second, she thought of staying there all night. But a ghostly voice soon arose in the back of her head in a whisper; as though to remind her of something, I will be your last resort should you need it… The whisper repeated non-stop. The voice sounded oddly familiar, but with such a clouded mind, Rainzzi couldn't make out to whom it belonged though it was at the tip of her tongue.

Abruptly, she launched herself away from the cold brick wall, and then resumed walking, faster this time, but just as swayingly. She had presumed that she was just trying get away from the chilly place as swift as possible, but it had proven to be wrong as she saw herself turning sideway at a junction. And then a second… and a third. It was like she was heading to a specific place.

Where she was going to she didn't know. All she perceived was that it was as if she had suddenly found a desired destination that lit a fire somewhere deep in her heart. Her pace slowly quickened, ending almost in a jog until she arrived at a doorstep with a muggle neighbourhood.

As she stood there, she comprehended nothing, including why she was there and where she was. But a broader look at the house made she freeze in silent fright. It was the Lyttelton Mansion – where Sirius lived.

It must be a mistake. It must be.

She forced herself to turn away before anyone acknowledged her presence. But she was unable to move a single inch, she was too transfixed by the dim light emitting from the curtained window – Sirius most probably hadn't slept yet.

Knowing he was probably on the other side of the wall, she suddenly felt a swoop of reluctance to leave, knowing clearly Sirius would never turn her away, especially when she was in such a state, but console her. And she also knew that Sirius would try to help her until he's at wit's end.

Digging her nails into her palm and biting her lip, she raised her hand and knocked on it hesitantly. The seconds ensuing the knock was possibly the most desperate moment in her entire life. One part of her wished Sirius has heard her soft knock. But another part of her hoped that Sirius had already gone to bed long ago that he wouldn't spare any time to her.

When she was internally debating whether to leave or not, Rainzzi could hear someone inside had started making his way towards the door. She soon found herself gazing down at the doorknob in anxiety. For the second time, she considered fleeing away before the door was answered, but somehow she was like being glued onto the doorstep that she couldn't move her legs for the teeniest bit.

The door opened in a soundless movement, slowly allowing a dark shadow. Rainzzi squinted up as Sirius Black stepped into view.

Not expecting any guest at such a late hour, Sirius was wearing a shirt and an old pyjamas. He was clearly still wide awake, though his eyes showed exhaustion. His distracted expression soon dissolved into one of pure delight as he realized who his visitor was.

"Rainzzi," said Sirius with a little smile, his shock artificially buried. He stepped sideward eagerly to allow room for her access, his eyes never releasing her.

Dressed in such an immaculate evening gown Rainzzi looked absolutely incredible and the very sight of her made his stomach lurch. However, a closer look at her struck him just as hard, she didn't look her normal self. The confidence forever demonstrated upon her face was nowhere to be seen, instead, her eyes were puffy and she looked miserably pale.

Sirius stared at her penetratingly, expecting her to say something, maybe to explain why she was here. When he eventually understood that she was not going to explain, he asked quietly, "Are you looking for me?"

Her breath caught in her throat, "I…" she began hesitantly, but she couldn't bring herself to confess that she had walked over such a long distance just to seek his companion. "I just want to have a night chat with…Remus."

If his face had darkened, Rainzzi couldn't see it. All she knew was that he had loosened his grip on her.

"I see. But Remus is not here. It's his turn to station in the headquarter tonight," Sirius explained, his tone deadpan.

And then a flabbergasted silence descended upon the pair. Rainzzi cursed herself inwardly; they seemed to have turned into complete strangers. "So I think I'll just go then," she replied finally.

"Don't," said Sirius instantaneously, flinging out his arm to block her way to the door. "Something happened, isn't there?" He slanted forth, grabbing her shoulders and staring at her earnestly with apprehension. "Is something wrong?"

Is something wrong? Everything is wrong, she wanted to answer ironically, but she didn't. Instead, she made a noncommittal shrug.

He didn't say anything in response, but Rainzzi was pretty sure he confirmed himself then something had really happened. She was unable to look at him directly when he grabbed a cloak nearby and threw it over her shoulder. Because somehow being shown so much care, she felt ten times pitiable. And her lips had already started trembling.

"Rainzzi," said Sirius softly, he had deliberately torn his eyes off her and was pulling the cloak tightly around her, "do you know how much it hurts to see you being upset but not able to do anything about it?"

Rainzzi stared at Sirius' face which was ever so near to hers, she could feel his warmth. She could also see that he was wearing a deep troubled frown; it was as though he was sharing her sadness, taking her grief as his. Then, to her horror, hot prickly tears began gathering at the rims of her orbits, threatening to fall down. But before they fell, she managed to bring her face behind her palms.

No longer able to suppress her emotions, she slowly descended until she was practically sitting on the floor. She prayed and prayed for the tears to stop coming, but once the tears were let loose, they were like dripping in a pattern, and they simply wouldn't stop falling.

In a minute's time, Rainzzi was hysterically sobbing behind her hands.

Alarmed, Sirius knelt down besides her and pulled her tight protectively, allowing her to curl up and cry in his chest. He patted her back soothingly, but he said nothing, as he wasn't sure if he could manage to sound calm and pacifying enough to comfort her. His own stomach is churning and he felt all tremulous. He felt like crying along, because he knew by heart that Rainzzi was not one of those women who cried indiscriminately just to gain sympathy. For her to lost control, she must have been greatly depressed. It was like stabbing a knife right in the middle of his heart to watch her sob. Her every sob was piercing his heart into pieces. What wouldn't he give up just to stop her crying and make her smile again?

From the second he saw her tonight, he knew right away that something had happened. Obviously something bad had, he was sure. Yet he didn't even have any idea as for what had happened. But he sworn to himself firmly, whoever the trouble-maker was, he would make them pay, at an astronomical price.

An overwhelming wave of nostalgia overcame Sirius as she hugged back, its effect was intricate and he must clench his fists to suppress it. Her touch and the smell of her hair reminded him so much of their old joyful days. God, how mistaken he was to think that he had long forgotten her embraces. He felt it was just yesterday that they had hugged. But it was also very disheartening to feel her in his arms; it was drawing a big contrast between the present and past. When they had last hugged, he could recall, it had been in the very same chamber. Same venue, same people, but they just weren't the same.

They had both suffered so much hardship and changed, and…most depressing of all, she didn't belong to him anymore. When she cried in the old days, a passionate kiss and a soothing 'Shhh…Don't cry, baby. It'll be okay,' would be all it took to ease her misery. But now, he knew it just wouldn't work. He laid his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes, drowning in his own sadness.

He hugged her still more tightly as he could sense her sobs starting to fade a bit.

Rainzzi pulled away from him once she mustered to get a grip of herself. She kept her head bowed while she surreptitiously peeked at Sirius through the corners of her bloodshot eyes. He was looking all concerned and worried, and through his complicated countenance she saw a certain kind of sentiment which she could not quite identify.

"Rainzzi, what's it?" Sirius asked urgently in a husky voice, his hands were on her face, tenderly rubbing it.

She considered telling him about the engagement, but decided against it after a second thought. It would be too cruel to add one more stone on his already laden shoulder, and she expected that her engagement with Fudge would distress him no less than her.

"Nothing," she said stubbornly, with unintentional enmity.

Sirius clamped his lips tightly together in frustration, as he suddenly realized he had no authority to oblige her to tell him everything. She just set out to talk to Remus, and she would have told Remus everything if he had been there. But she clearly was not confident to confide in Sirius anything personal. He was possibly a no one to her. He had no ground on which to base his inquires. But he decided to give it a last try.

"Tell me honestly, what happened?"

"It's of no importance anyway!" she said through the hiccoughs.

"If it is not important, then why were you crying like that just now-?"

"Laugh out loud if you want, Sirius. I don't care!" Rainzzi breathed defensively before he got the opportunity to finish his sentence; his referent to her crying seemed to have embarrassed her. "It must have been laughable for you, to see me letting loose of my emotions like that."

"Rainzzi, is the impression I give you so bad honestly?" Sirius frowned, as a pang of insult and bitterness spread over his face. He held her close and stared at her determinedly as if trying to make it clear that he was being all honest and sincere. "When will you open your eyes wide and see for yourself who really cares for you? Hands on heart, I don't find it by any standard laughable," then he paused, "Everybody lets loose of their emotions once in a while."

"But you don't," she whispered weakly before she could stop herself.

"How do you know I don't?"

"You just don't."

"I do."

Rainzzi stared up at him incredulously, but every sign on his face suggested he was not kidding.

"So…you let loose of your emotions too," she said, in an oddly high-pitched voice that didn't sound like hers at all.

"Once in a while, yes," Sirius confirmed with a weak smile, "when I think about Lily and James, and when I think about us."

"About what happened to both of us…and between us," he added, holding Rainzzi in an intense stare for a brief moment, his expression suddenly unreadable.

Rainzzi's eyes lingered on his young face, and then her heart sank drastically. Behind the cool façade he pulled up Sirius appeared to her almost vulnerable. It was the first ever time she had seen him so peaceful and innocent; his eyes were of a twinkling sapphire blue, dripped with longing and desperation. And he looked miserable and foiled, too.

Rainzzi found herself cursing fate again, not for the engagement with Brice this time, but for having devastated Sirius, who would otherwise be leading a splendid life.

Suddenly she felt all ashamed and apologetic of ever thinking he had embroiled her as she remembered part of his pain and hurt were caused by her. In all those years when she thought that Azkaban served Sirius right, she had not appreciated he had suffered a lot undeserved toils, too. And back in the interrogation room, she had even blamed him harshly for existing in this world. As though to make up, she touched his hand briefly.

Sirius responded by locking his fingers with hers. Unable to meet his gaze squarely, Rainzzi stared at some spot beyond Sirius. She found in awe, that on the wall adjacent to them, there were a few portraits hanging coherently. She had never taken notice of them. But then, the only other time she had been there, it was Harry's birthday party, and it's really crowded then.

To her horror, a crystal tear fell from her eye as she stared at one of them, a moving picture of Sirius and her, happily soaked in love.

The tear landed neatly on the back of Sirius' hand. He looked at it for a while and then cupped her cheek with his spare hand, his finger wiping away the tears. "Rainzzi…"

She turned back to him, but she didn't meet his eyes. Her eyes were like unfocused, as if they didn't know where to land. And the puzzlement shown on her gorgeous face was so fierce that it silenced him instantly.

"Sirius, I don't understand," Rainzzi murmured, with a sad frown. "In fact, I have been perplexed about it for quite a while…I meant to ask you…but I never got my head round to…"

"What are you perplexed about?" Sirius prompted.

"I don't get it…" she paused, and took a deep breath before she continued. "I don't understand why you are so indulged in me."

"Because I…"

Rainzzi carried on in a blur murmur, as if he hadn't interrupted. "I mean, I am all conceited and self-centered. I am so egoistic and obsessed with power that many people find offensive. And…I have been treating you nastily." She turned to stare at Sirius, almost with self-contempt. It looked as if it caused her great pain to utter the words, "I haven't been treating you with the respect you deserved. Why do you like me so much?"

She turned to gaze at her fingers unseeingly and was blank in the face. Two pink dots were obliviously creeping into her wet cheek. For a fleeting moment, Sirius stared at her frozenly; he really didn't like the way she demeaned herself.

"The way you treat me is totally understandable. I must say it's by no standard nasty. And you are not offensive. Rainzzi, you have never been," said Sirius, his voice of easy clarity. "Of course, you aren't perfect either." (Rainzzi forced a weak nervous smile, but the misery remained in place.) "Nobody is perfect. But it's one of those things. When a person falls too madly in love with another, he is completely blind to everything. He can completely ignore all her flaws. And that's exactly how I feel."

"I had known I loved you, but I have no idea I am so in love with you until I was sentenced to Azkaban," confessed Sirius neutrally. He hadn't thought he could speak of his innermost feeling in front of Rainzzi so freely. But once he started, he just couldn't stop everything pouring out.

"As you know, the Dementors exploit one of all his happy memories and thoughts, leaving him all hopeless and in melancholy, pessimistic about life. Many people thought the Dementors also suck out hopes. But it's not true. The cruelest thing about those creatures is that they leave you with endless little hopes. It's through hoping and wishing and yet not able to strive for your goals that makes you feel totally thwarted and defeated. During my imprisonment I spent days and nights thinking about you, musing about what could have happened to the two of us, wishing to see you again and compensating for the hell I have led you to.

"Although the thoughts of Harry and Peter kept me alive, it's you that I constantly thought about. I had been doubtful if it's all the effects of the Dementors, but even after I have escaped from Azkaban, I still thought about you as often. Then I realized, Azkaban didn't change the way I think, it just made me perceive a thing or two, that I have been more in love with you than I had thought."

"They say you are too ambitious and a bit heartless, but I say otherwise, I think you're as sweet as ever. Do you understand it now? Why I like you has nothing to do with appearance, or the unbelievable things you can do, or even your character merely," Sirius finished neatly in one gulp, as though afraid that any interruption would discourage him.

He leaned closer and closer until Rainzzi could not but look at him directly. "Rainzzi, I love you, warts and all."

Taken aback by his boldness, Rainzzi was unable to react right away. She just stared into the depth of his beautiful eyes and willingly lost herself in his aura. Her heart was hammering in her chest and her mind was whirling. It wasn't until 10 seconds that her brain clicked into gear again. Her face twisted slightly into a smile. But then, she sensed an urgent need to apologize.

"I'm sorry," said Rainzzi.

"What for?"

"I'm terribly sorry," she kept saying.

He patted the top of her head with a fragile smile. "Don't apologize. It's equally joyful to love and to be loved."

"It's equally joyful to love and to be loved," Rainzzi echoed to herself. She stared at Sirius with a strange doubtful look. Now that Sirius' feeling for her was minutely revealed, it gave rise to another equally vital puzzlement – What was it that she felt for Sirius Black?

Was it merely a sense of gratitude or…was it something more?

"Rainzzi," whispered Sirius awkwardly, dismantling her muses. She looked up, in a way not unlike she had just discovered his existence, which was kind of peculiar because Sirius had wrapped her in his arms again and was staying close. He brushed a strand of hair away and tucked it behind her ear. "Aren't you curious?" he asked quietly.

Rainzzi froze for what seemed like forever, staring at him blankly. Then she made the smallest movement with her head that could mean anything. However, her ensuing gestures showed her will.

She leaned nearer and her hands were clutching his sleeves nervously. But she came to a halt when she could almost feel his eyelashes tackling hers. She stopped in her track.

Staying so close to Sirius, she felt so much love and care and she would happily content to stay in his warmth forever, but at the same time she also dreaded over it as she knew she would eventually have to leave it.

Rainzzi didn't know who the one who took the fatal initiative was; all she perceived was that she suddenly felt his warm lips firmly on hers. Sirius was kissing her passionately; really passionately as if eager to illustrate explicitly how much he loved her. He was running his fingers gracefully through her hair, shattering her french knot, and his tentative touch was sending a surge of admiration through her very veins, casting away every doubt of hers. Then she found herself eagerly slipped her arms around his broad shoulder, trying to pull him even closer.

In the nanosecond before she totally lost herself in his charm, a bubble thought appeared – life was fair afterall. She might be unsuccessful in every other aspect, but she found outweighing satisfaction in one particular department and it was really worth all her loss.

A/N: Wow, it's been so long since I last updated. So here it is – chapter 13. This scene has never been planned in the schedule, but then I thought, it's Christmas for god's sake and I have this suspicion that you would all shift to hate me if I keep tormenting them for too long. wakakaa…X)

As for my plans of the next chapters: the drama will be back, and I'm trying to get some political stuff into it. Sunny Delanuit will assume an important role. On whose side he is? Oh you gotta read it for yourself.

As usual, Please review and tell me what you think of it. I'll luv you to death.