A/N: This story takes place about five years after the series. Hope you like it.
The Words
Ray's eyes gaped around the small chapel as he sat seemingly carelessly on the bench. He had his black tuxedo on, two upper buttons open, his tie hanging loosely in his hand. He had to admit that everything seemed perfect. Overwhelmingly beautiful flowers were the only decoration, not too many of them but just enough to make the place look beautiful, providing the air with their intoxicating, yet soft scent. Behind the small altar was a big window that opened a breathtaking view to a lake and forest around it. It was summer, so the flowers and trees were blossoming, swans and some other birds were at the lake, eating and merely enjoying the warm day. For its many windows, the entire chapel was bathing in a bright light. Ray understood perfectly why Kai had chosen this place: he would've chosen it too.
Ray let out a miserable sigh. Yeah, everything was picture-perfect – or would've been without the unbearable ache in his heart, the one he'd been trying to shake away since the day he heard that this day was coming. Amber eyes dark with sorrow, he took out the invitation-card he'd received three weeks earlier. His bitter eyes locked to the names on it.
Nakako Oikowa & Kai HiwatariGod how he wished that his name would've been in Nakako's place! It could've been, or at least so he kept telling himself. If only he'd said the Words…
But he never had the courage and now, he was a freaking best-man. And he'd have to stand right behind Kai as the Russian exchanged pledges with someone else.
" Rayyyyyy!" Max's way too energetic voice suddenly punctured the quietness. The blonde had obviously found the candies he thought he'd hidden so carefully.
Ray sighed once again. This just wasn't his day…
After a split second, the young man was sitting beside him on the bench,
" Miriam couldn't make it, she was too busy with work". Max seemed eager while looking around, blue eyes shining. " So, when's it gonna begin?".
Ray took a look at his watch. " In half an hour", he announced, sounding less than enthusiastic, but fortunately Max didn't seem to notice the tone.
He heard the door of the chapel open once again and turned his head. For a first time that day, a small smile found it's way to his lips as he saw beaming Tyson and Hilary enter, hand in hand.
" I thought you two were in Hawaii", he noted as they were at hearing-range, referring to the duos honeymoon.
Tyson smirked. " Are you kidding? Mr. Sourpuss is getting married! We wouldn't have missed this for anything!" he declared while taking a seat next to Max.
Ray almost laughed at the irony. He would've given anything to miss this event.
He suddenly surprised as he saw a solemn look on still standing Hilary's face.
" Ray, there's something I want to say to you", she announced. " Alone".
" Should I be jealous?" Tyson inquired, sounding amused. The Dragon was very well aware of the fact that Ray was gay, they all were, so it was pretty much safe to let the neko-jin talk alone with his wife.
Ignoring Tyson's comment, Ray nodded to Hilary and followed the young woman outside the chapel, wondering what she was up to. Once the door was closed, Hilary turned to look at him, seeming alarmingly serious.
" What…?".
" I know that you love Kai", she interrupted him bluntly, sounding almost accusing.
He was shocked, and unconsciously gulped loudly.
" What…? How…?".
Hilary rolled her eyes. " Oh please! The only thing more obvious than the signs you've sent would've been to pin him against a wall and kiss him". She sighed and shook her head. " I just don't understand, Ray. Why haven't you told him?".
Ray sighed as well and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, staring at the ground. " It's not that simple, Hil". He glared at her. " Besides, it's easy for you to say! Since that trip to Paris, you and Tyson have been practically inseparable".
Hilary blushed slightly, and they both memorised the trip of the Bladebrakers that took place four years earlier.
Many interesting things took place during that trip. While spending a night in jail, accused of assaulting a police-officer, Tyson and Hilary finally acknowledged their feelings for each other. (Oh well, some guy harassed Hilary, Tyson punched the guy, someone called the police and Hilary punched the police-officer who insulted Tyson.) Meanwhile, Max met Miriam, who happened to be in the city. (And of course Hilary's phone-call to Miriam that informed Max being in Paris had nothing to do with it.) And there, on top of the Eiffel Tower, Max finally gathered all his courage and kissed the bluenette. (Which, by the way, was his first kiss.) Elsewhere, Kenny had a small adventure of his own as Emily, who'd followed him all the way to Paris, came to his hotel-room and declared (in a rather prompt and stammering way, tough) all her feeling for him. Poor Kenny froze totally, and, thinking that he didn't feel the same way for her, Emily fled. In the end, after many breathtaking twists, they shared their fist kiss by the river Seine. (In the process to that point, Kenny almost got hit by a taxi and nearly beaten up by some gang.) In the meantime, Kai, who'd been looking for a proper place to practise, met a blader, a feisty girl named Nakako. And Ray, you ask? Well, his well-guarded secret of his sexual orientation was embarrassingly revealed. (You know how talkative people, save Kai Hiwatari, get like when they're 'a little' drunk.)
Ray sighed once more, shaking his head in annoyance, staring at the ground again. " There's no point in telling Kai how I feel, Hil. Isn't it kinda obvious that he's straight?". Ray's voice had a bitter tone when he said the last word. " He'd only end up hating me, or even if he wouldn't, my heart would still be crushed and I would never be able to see him again". His eyes darkened, and he kicked a small stone as if that would've made him feel better. " Besides, it's his wedding-day. I can't do it today, especially not today. I… I'm too late".
" And you know all that without even asking him?". The dangerous flash in Hilary's voice forced him to look at her. Her eyes were burning. " Don't you think he deserves to know, Ray? Besides, you'll never get that pain away from your eyes if you don't tell him". Her eyes softened, but only slightly. " Give him a chance, give him faith. Even if it would hurt for a while, then it would be over with. And I can assure you, he won't end up hating you. He could never hate you".
Ray couldn't object. He and Kai were – sort of, at least – best friends. No matter how bad things sometimes got, it was obvious that they'd never hate each other.
Feeling like a tight rope had been placed around his neck, Ray nodded. " You're right".
" Right about what?".
Kenny's voice made them both jump of frighten. Looking back, they saw Kenny approaching them, holding very much pregnant Emily's hand.
Hilary gave a mere shrug. " It was nothing".
Kenny nodded. " Whatever you say". He suddenly seemed embarrassed. " I hope we're not late. I kinda lost a track of time while working with Dizzy".
Ray had to smile at that. Kenny would never change, would he? Suddenly, he remembered his 'small' task, and the smile died.
Oh crap…He scratched his head, suddenly feeling more uneasy than ever in his life. Something about million butterflies were flying in his stomach. " Um… You guys go inside… There's… something I have to do". To possibly ruin a wedding, he added in his mind.
" Okay then". Emily gave him a smirk. " Just don't forget the rings or anything, 'k?".
He sweatdropped. If only it was just about the damn rings… " I won't".
Finding himself shivering like never before, he looked at the trio enter the chapel. Hilary gave him a quick thumbs-up before disappearing from the door.
Inhaling deeply and gathering all the little courage he still had, he felt his feet begun to move and he approached another one of the two small doors on the side of the chapel. While walking, he squeezed his tie like it was his lucky charm of strength. His shivering became even more violent and he was sweating madly as he knocked the door weakly, almost hoping that there wouldn't be a reply.
Of course, since it wasn't exactly his day, there was. " Come in".
Hand shaking along with his body, he cautiously inched the door, like there was a fear of something being thrown at him. The door fully open, he froze and gulped for what he saw.
Kai was standing in front of a mirror, his white shirt and black pants on and hair just a little bit unruly. His black tuxedo was carelessly hanging on the nearby chair. For once the Phoenix didn't have his face-paint on, which made him look almost angelic in the light shining from the window. The look upon Kai's face was hard to read, but Ray detected it being something between thoughtful and solemn. For once that day Ray had luck as Kai was too absorbed in tightening his tie to notice the Tiger's awed stare.
Holy damn, Ray thought, gulping.
" You may as well come in, or do you just intend to stand there?" Kai suddenly cut his thoughts.
Shaking his head a little to get rid of his disturbing thoughts, Ray stepped in and closed the door behind him.
" There's something I… need to… um… tell you", Ray stammered. Damnit. " It's… important".
Kai had a slight frown upon his face as he turned the look of his burgundy eyes towards Ray. " Is there something wrong?".
Hell yeah! " I'm not sure". Ray shook his head again, his thoughts tangled. " Yes".
Kai seemed worried as he observed Ray with his gaze, Ray returned the gape with a pained one. They looked at each other for a long moment, not saying a word, almost like trying to read each other's minds. All the while Ray felt the lump that had been in his throat all day grow, becoming harder and harder to take. It was only a matter of time before he'd brake down.
" Ray, you know that you can tell me anything, right?" Kai whispered softly and walked up to Ray, brushing the Tiger's cheek with his fingers.
Ray squeezed his eyes tightly shut as the first tears broke through, leaning in to Kai's warm, welcomed touch. Couldn't Kai see how much the touch hurt him! Oh my God… " P – please…", he whispered before he'd even registered the word was coming.
" Please what?". Kai sounded puzzled, yet so heartfelt, that it made Ray cry even harder. Kai's hand, however, never left Ray's cheek.
A weak, desperate cry escaped Ray's throat. Gods, he wanted Kai's touch, wanted so much that it was driving him crazy, but under the prevailing circumstances it was unbearably painful. It seemed to burn him up alive, but he didn't want it to disappeared, to leave him into the coldness and hollowness that had been occupying his heart for so long. " Please don't hate me", he managed.
" Look at me". Kai's voice was soft, yet firm, and he forced his teary eyes to crack open. Kai looked at him with warm, confused eyes. " I could never hate you, you know that". A slight frown crossed Kai's features. " Why would I?".
Ray knew that the moment of truth had came. The lump in his throat felt much bigger than before, so big that it was almost preventing the dangerous, destructive words from coming. Unfortunately, it didn't manage to hold them back. " For… loving… you". The words dropped out one by one, like his teardrops. With the three words out of his chest, Ray felt cold, exposed. He'd given Kai the purest and the most sincere thing he had to offer. Now, it was up to Kai to decide what to do with it.
Ray looked into Kai's eyes, his entire being shivering and aching, searching for any sign of how his words had affected the Russian. But as always, Kai's eyes were unreadable as he stood frozen, his hand still on Ray's cheek. For a while Ray thought that time had stopped working, but then Kai's hand dropped from his face and the young man took one step back, then another.
" Kai…".
" I… I need a moment to… to think, 'k?" the Russian whispered.
Tears still running, Ray nodded. He could allow Kai that. Actually, after what he'd just done, he owed that much to his friend.
After standing still for a couple of seconds, looking like he was about to say something, Kai walked pass him and out of the room.
By the time Ray had managed to collect himself enough to stop crying and walk back to the chapel, to his friends, it was only ten minutes to the wedding. As he entered, however, he was taken by surprise. Kai wasn't there. Everyone seemed panicked as they wondered where the groom had gone.
" Ray, did you see Kai?" Hilary asked in a tense voice, so close to him that their conversation was private.
Yeah, that's right, twist the knife in the wound, he thought bitterly. He nodded, blinking to keep himself from weeping again. " I did. But… I don't know where he is now".
Hilary frowned, seeming deeply worried. " Ray, you're the only one who can find him. Don't let him slip away".
Filled with sudden rush of confidence, Ray nodded.
" I will find him", he promised.
Following some strange call in within, he found Kai sitting on the bench of a nearby park only five minutes later. Tear-strands were evident on the Russian's face as he stared blankly into nothingness.
" K – Kai?" he asked carefully.
" Why did you tell me… that now?". Kai didn't sound accusing or angry, just sad, but ironically, that made Ray feel even worse. He didn't want Kai to be sad, ever, the least of all because of him.
Blinking his eyes to prevent another storm of tears from coming, Ray sat by Kai's side. " Because this was my last chance to let you know". Despite the effort, one tear stubbornly escaped. " I'm sorry, Kai, I'm so sorry…".
" No, you're not". Again, Kai wasn't angry. There was a long pause. " For how long…?".
Once again staring at the ground that had became familiar to him during the day, Ray sighed heavily, closing his eyes. " Ever since lake Baikal, I suppose. Since… since I saw the real you". Now that he said it out loud, he became stunned. Had he really loved Kai for that long without telling the Phoenix? God, he was such a coward!
There was a long silence, during which Ray's hold against his tears broke and they rolled freely once again.
" Tell me that I'm not loosing you because of this", he begged in a small, hoarse voice. " Please".
He jolted as he felt a hand grab his and squeeze it gently. He felt a desperate hope flutter in the pit of his stomach.
" You won't loose me, Ray", Kai whispered. " Not ever". The sad sigh coming from his former captain made all his hope disappear. " But you do understand that this is gonna change many things, don't you?".
Ray could barely breath, his lungs felt completely useless. No, no, no! This… this was more than he could handle! Gasping for air and crying helplessly, Ray threw himself against Kai's warm chest and clung to the Phoenix's shirt like he was drowning. Burying his face into the shirt, he breathed in the familiar, soothing scent-mixture of mint and winter. That could be the last time he was that close to Kai. He didn't want to let go, not ever. Those thoughts sinking in, he cried even harder, sounding like he was in pain. (Which was exactly the case.)
" Ray, sh…". Kai stroked his hair gently, closing him into a warm, comforting embrace. " Sh, it's okay… I'm not leaving, Ray. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be there for you".
Those words made Ray's tears dry, slowly but surely, and for a first time since he'd closed them he dared to open his eyes as he still leaned his forehead against Kai's chest. " Do you… mean it?" he sobbed.
Kai nodded, smiling slightly, and brushed a couple of raven strands off his forehead. " Look, it doesn't matter what you feel for me. I'll never stop being your friend".
Tough the words were comforting and gave him great relief, Ray couldn't suppress the bang in his chest. Yes, Kai was his friend, but not as close friend as before. No more long talks, comfortable touches (from there on, whenever they'd touch, the meaning behind it would trouble them both)… Ray knew that he was being selfish, and he understood perfectly well why things couldn't stay the same, but he couldn't help himself.
With great effort, he lifted his gaze to meet Kai's eyes. They looked back gently.
" You okay now?" Kai inquired.
He forced himself to nod and, giving a final sob, wiped away his tears with shaking hand. " Yeah. But… but there's one thing…".
Kai nodded, urging him to carry on. " Yes?".
" You probably understand that I can't be your best-man, right?" he stated. Tough his voice was still slightly thin, it was getting back to normal.
Kai nodded again, smiling slightly. " Yeah. Don't worry, I think Tyson can handle the job".
Ray had to laugh at that one. " Tyson? Are you serious!".
Kai sighed, still smiling. " Well, I understand the risks, but…". Taking a glance at his watch, Kai cursed in Russian. " Damnit".
Reluctantly, Ray slid apart from Kai, the thought of it being the last time that near to the Russian all too much in his mind. Getting up, Kai offered him a hand, which he accepted after a slight hesitation, and helped him up.
" I'll be there in five minutes. I've gotta get my tux or Nakako will hang me", Kai announced once he was up. Taking a final glance at him, the Russian seemed slightly amused. " Put that tie on, and you'll look decent".
With that, Kai walked off, disappearing from Ray's sight. Giving a miserable sigh, still feeling like he might burst into tears at any moment, Ray did as Kai ordered (tough it was hard for his hands shaking), and, gathering all the strength within him, walked back to the chapel, stepping in.
" Kai will be here in a few minutes", he answered in a slightly strained voice to the questioning looks darted at him.
As the guests lost their interest in him, he used the last of his might and walked up to the bench, slumping next to Hilary with a deep, shaky breath. The young woman looked at him worriedly.
" What happened?" she whispered, so quietly that even Tyson next to her couldn't hear.
He shook his head, focusing his slightly glassed gaze to the view behind altar. " I can't talk about it right now".
She nodded, knowing that there'd be no point in pressuring him further. Getting himself composed once again, Ray took something from his pocket and leaned over Hilary towards Tyson.
" Ty, this is your job now", he told his navy-hared friend, placing the two rings into Tyson's hand. As the bluenette looked at him questioningly, he shook his head, feeling like crying again. " Just… do it. Don't ask".
Tyson nodded, seeming a bit hesitant, and stood up, walking up to the altar where a surprised-looking priest was already waiting. Just as he got to his place, the door opened and Kai entered, fully prepared. As Kai had taken his place (ignoring Tyson's 'what the hell is going on!' – looks), the ceremony begun.
As soon as the door opened again, letting in Nakako and his father, Ray squeezed his eyes tightly shut, unable to hold back his tears. (Thank goodness no-one was looking at him!) He couldn't take it anymore. How the heck had he thought he could look at the love of his life getting married to someone else! Had he been out of his mind?
The ceremony seemed to last forever, and each agonising second ate up another part of his soul, squeezed his heart into a smaller ball. And then came the moment he'd feared the most: it was time for the I do's.
" Do you, Nakako Oikowa, want to take this…".
" No".
NO!Ray's eyes shot open, his heart beating so hard that he feared it might jump out of his chest. His desperate, hope-filled gaze locked to Nakako. The young woman, tough she was crying at the moment while still holding stunned looking Kai's hand, seemed unwavering.
" What are you doing?" Kai asked in a voice that just barely carried to where Ray was sitting.
" I can't marry you, Kai. Not as long as you love someone else", she replied.
Ray blinked, feeling that it was hard to breath again. Could it be…?
Kai frowned. " What the heck are you talking about!".
" All this time, ever since I came in, your eyes have been on Ray". Nakako sniffed, seeming to squeeze Kai's hand she was still holding. She looked into Kai's eyes. " I can't take you away from the one you truly love". Nakako smiled faintly through her tears. " I love you, but I'm not the one your heart belongs to". Quickly, as if the touch had suddenly burned, she let Kai's hand promptly slip from hers. " Goodbye, Hiwatari".
Two weeks later.
Ray's eyes were half-closed as he sat on the almost broken couch of a small spare-room of the Granger-dojo, enjoying the dim lightning.
After Kai's 'slightly' disastrous wedding, he hadn't found the strength to fly back to China, so Tyson's grandpa had offered to room him for some time. (Tyson, obviously, wasn't living there anymore. He and Hilary would've gone crazy if they'd been living as a married couple under Tyson's grandfather's roof.) Ray had no idea of for how long that said 'some time' would be, for after two weeks, he felt that he'd never be able to leave the strangely cosy, scruffy room.
Since the wedding, none of the old Bladebrakers had heard a word from Kai. According to Tyson, Kai had talked something about making a trip to someplace special to clear his head.
Sitting there, with nothing but thinking to do, Ray couldn't help wondering if what Nakako had said was true. But… If Kai did love him, which he greatly doubted, why did the Russian ran away? He knew that Ray loved him. What else did he need?
A knock on the door woke him up from his thoughts.
" Yeah?" he managed to croak, voice hoarse for all the crying he'd done during the past weeks.
Tyson's grandpa's head poked in. " There's someone to see you".
He scolded mentally. " I don't really want to see anyone".
Tyson's grandpa smirked sneakily. " Oh, but I think you do want to see this one".
Slightly confused, he nodded. As Tyson's grandpa's head disappeared, he heard a short, muffled conversation before steps approached the room. A breath catches into his throat as the visitor entered the shadowy room, closing the door behind him.
" Kai?" he whispered, as he wasn't thrusting the message his eyes were sending.
" I was supposed to stay in Paris for another week, but decided to catch an earlier flight when Tyson called me and told that you were a little… unstable", Kai stated, taking a seat next to him on the couch.
Ray gave a half-smile, deciding that he'd either kiss or kill Tyson later.
For a long while they sat in silence, absorbed into their thoughts. Both refused to meet the other's eyes.
" Ray, why are you doing this?" Kai finally broke the silence.
" Why did you leave!" Ray snapped back, much more harshly than he'd intended. He knew that he was being a baby, but couldn't help it. He felt offended, sad and hurt. He deserved answers.
Kai sighed, still not meeting his eyes. " I almost got married back then, you know? I had to do some thinking, clear my head".
Ray nodded, staring at his toes, suddenly ashamed. " Yeah, I understand", he admitted. He frowned, catching something he'd just heard. " Why Paris?".
" The last time we were there, I wasn't looking just for a place to practise, but something more, something… deeper". Kai paused for a while, gathering his thoughts. " You see, for a long time 'til just a couple of weeks ago, I felt this… ache".
" 'Ache'?" Ray replied, confused, looking at Kai for a first time since the young man sat. Kai still refused to meet his eyes.
" Yeah. When I met Nakako, the ache… subsided for a while, but never disappeared completely. I couldn't understand it, not until you said the words before the 'wedding'". Kai gave a small laughter, shaking his head. It seemed to Ray that Kai was talking more to himself than him. " I realised that I'd been looking the cure for the ache from all the wrong places". Finally Kai looked at him, something in his auburn eyes that he'd never seen in them before. " The first time, I didn't know what, or who, I was looking for. Now I did. That's why I had to go there: to stop searching".
Pieces begun to click in Ray's again hopeful mind. He took a deep breath before asking the next question, afraid of the possible answer. " Was Nakako right?" he almost whispered. " Does… Does your heart belong to me?".
" It doesn't belong to anyone, Ray". Kai sounded slightly lecturing. " One can have a place in it, but never own it. That's something you'll have to learn".
Ray nodded. " I know".
Kai's eyes softened, and Ray felt a jolt go through him as the Russian's fingers touched his face once again. Now, he recognised the look in Kai's eyes that had been a mystery to him a moment before. It was love. " You have the place in my heart. It just took for a mighty long time for me to realise it". Kai chuckled quietly. " I am a real bonehead in some things, ne?".
Ray chuckled as well, tears of happiness threatening to spill. " Yeah, you are".
After only a moment of hesitation, Ray snuggled closer to Kai and rested his head against the Russian's shoulder. In return, Kai wrapped his other arm protectively around him. The other took his shaking hand (funny, he hadn't even noticed he was shaking) and linked his fingers gently with Ray's, giving the hand a reassuring squeeze. Ray smiled, feeling safe and secured, loved. The tears that a moment ago almost spilled were now gone, as he realised that there was no need to cry anymore. Kai was finally there, by his side, and was never going away again. That was all that mattered.
Suddenly, a question popped into his mind. " Kai?".
" Hn?".
" Is the ache gone now?".
Kai didn't reply, but as he moved his head to look at Kai, he saw a small smile playing on the lips of his love.
End.
A/N: Awwwwwww... (gives a sigh)
So, did you like it?