ATG fic: You are nothing without me (5/7)
Author notes: Special thanks for my sweetest beta Myr
Chapter 5
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Three months passed full of dread and weary for the Macedonian and Persian soldiers. Their king did not stop searching for the General who had been gone for so long. No one dared whisper to him it was a futile search. No corpse had been found resembling the General, and this meant there was still hope for the king to find his beloved amongst the living.
The talk in the soldiers' quarters was of a different tone. They were more rational and the thought of more searches was beginning to upset them. In their opinion, it was clearly impossible to find the General alive. The treacherous waters had taken many strong soldier, who had been ordered to find Hephaistion, with him into the river.
King Alexander had given them the new order everyday to keep the search mission going. He never gave up and did not stop his madness on flipping every stone along the river to find any evidence of his beloved General still alive.
Rumors started, discussing the king's sanity. Some said the king talked to the ghost of Hephaistion at night, asking Alexander to find the body so that the General could rest in peace. Alexander became increasingly withdrawn from his other Generals. He never shared their dinner or met for briefings, except those concerning the search for Hephaistion.
Work and logistics were no longer functioning efficiently, as the bridge and town construction had been delayed due to the lack of attention from their king. There were also no more drunken parties around the Royal camp; dread and depression crept into every corner of Alexander's great empire. The situation had worsened when one soldier suffered death just for laughing around Alexander's presence; his execution had been without other reason but him being merry.
No one could face the king without fear of sudden punishment or exile. Even the king's favourite eunuch, Bagoas, had been banished from Alexander's side. The poor boy was sent back to the Babylon harem.
So many rumours flowed freely on the subject of Bagoas, why he had been exiled so gravely when he was the last one seeing the General alive.
Some said that the king heard him talk about Hephaistion's final death wishes; that the General had asked Bagoas to take care of Alexander in his final moment. Some said that Ptolemy pulled the mask of that devil Persian eunuch. After all, Bagoas pledged many lies to their king about his beloved Hephaistion, bedding those old ugly eunuchs or how the little snake had planned to poison General Hephaistion several times but failed. In addition, some said that Hephaistion's ghost haunted Alexander for taking a new lover. All of this resolving in Bagoas being exiled and Alexander spending his nights alone in searching for his only love, Hephaistion Amyntor.
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"Alexander stops this. You have to stop this madness," Ptolemy pleaded the king who were busy with mapping and planning for tomorrow's mission.
"It has been three months, Alexander. Three months. You have to give up Alexander. Hephaistion is dead and you must accept that whether you want to believe it or not."
"Leave me, Ptolemy! If you didn't come here to help me plan this, I must ask you to leave," Alexander yelled at Ptolemy with furious eyes.
"No Alexander! I will not leave until you see reason. Hephaistion is dead! He is dead! Do you hear me? No matter how long you keep searching for him, he will not come back. He will never come back. Alexander, you must accept this."
"Get out of here Ptolemy. GET OUT! I don't want to hear another word from your mouth or I swear I will kill you with my bare hands."
"Then, kill me my king." Ptolemy said dramatically and provocatively. "Kill me but it will never bring Hephaistion back. You cannot do this to us. You cannot leave us and everything else to search for something that no longer exists. Alexander. He died, Alexander... We lost him. I beg you, understand this. For your sake and everyone else, Alexander."
"NO, Ptolemy. He is not dead!" The king shouted painfully like someone ripping his heart apart, pieces by pieces. Why couldn't Ptolemy understand? If he stopped searching, he would have to acknowledge that Hephaistion truly was dead and then he would die too.
"He cannot die, Ptolemy," Alexander said desperately. "He did not. He cannot die. Not after the last words, I said to him. What in the name of the gods made me say, "You're nothing without me" Ptolemy? I must be able to tell him different." Alexander pulled at his hair in frustration, yelling his heart off.
"After 20 years of loyal service and dedication to me, to our love, what did I do to him, but shun him away from here, Ptolemy? What did he do to deserve this? How could I say those things to him? All he ever did was love me, Ptolemy, and he sacrificed so much in his life for me. How could I treat him like that? He did not deserve this. Ptolemy. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be honoured and cherished."
Alexander rambled his confession to his friend who stood listening with a lump in his throat. It was such a sad and emotional display, and there was nothing he could do to help but listen.
"...not someone who betrayed him, belittled him and hurt him repeatedly," Alexander sneered, disgusted about himself. "You are right, Ptolemy. I do not deserve him or his love. I ruined him. I ruined everything he built for with my words. With that phrase, no one will believe how much he means to us, for our kingdom and how important he is in my life." Alexander fell on his knees, crying loudly. He was in so much pain but this pain could not compare to the things he did to his lover on that day; that horrible day when he had abandoned his lover. How broken Hephaistion must have felt when Alexander reduced his efforts to a mere joke, how much pain it must have caused Hephaistion to bear it until he couldn't take any longer and fled.
Chanting over and over, Alexander picked up the thread once more. "Ptolemy, he cannot die. I cannot accept that. I cannot accept not having had a chance to correct this for him. I didn't tell him how much I love him. If he dies, He will never know this, Ptolemy. He will never know how much he means to me, my sweet Hephaistion. He is so sweet and so loving, and he was always there for me, Ptolemy."
Wiping his eyes, Alexander said almost childishly, "I want him back. I need him; I cannot go on without him. Ptolemy. Please, help me find him! Bring him back to me."
Ptolemy saw the distraught king resting on one knee; every part of his body was trembling and shaking. They simply had to make better at searching for him. They had to find Hephaestion no matter what. His king was crumbling and he had to put a stop to it.
"Alexander, I will help you find him. We will continue searching for him as long as you need my king. Now, rest, you need to rest before we will go to look for him tomorrow. Let's me help you." Ptolemy helped Alexander on his feet and laid the lost king on the bed.
"I promise you Alexander, I will help you find him. We will start re-searching for Hephaistion again tomorrow."
Before Ptolemy turned to leave the king, Alexander caught a firm hold of his hand. "Ptolemy, I forget. I forget that I can lose him. I forget that when I open my eyes one day I might never see him again, Ptolemy. What should I do? I am nothing without him."
Ptolemy tried to stop himself from crying for his king. Pressing Alexander's hand harder, he said, "Rest, Alexander. We will find him. He'll come back to you."
TBC