ATG fic: You are nothing without me (6/7)
Author notes:
1) Special thanks for my sweetest beta Myr
2) Thank you for all your feedback and supportive. I hope this chapter is not disappointed you guys/girls.
Chapter 6
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Finally, the vile period of searching for the General altered on the day that a wandering artist presented his work to General Perdiccas, showing a painting of a holy man of Euphrates, a small religious barren city close to Ecbatana, used to be cursed by God. Drought and flood, hunger and illness were always part of this township. Now, with the gift from God, a holy man came floating with the big flood. A man, who had been revived from the dead and turned the desolate town into a rich city within months.
Now, the painting of the holy man had become the single sign of hope to the army and their king. Alexander kept the painting close to his heart all the way on his journey toward the small town. He awarded the beggar artist with a thousand gold coins and welcomed him to join his dinner every night. On those nights, Alexander asked the artist to retell his story with the holy man of Euphrates. Countless of times, the artist had to describe how impossible it had been to capture the emerald blue eyes onto the papyrus. How the holy man was loved and cherished by the small town people. How children kept following him around to hear tale after tale of Greek Heroes and the love between Achilles and Patroclus.
The day that Alexander's great army arrived to the city, the defenceless town had opened her gates to welcome the great king. The governor honoured Alexander by inviting him to visit the sacred temple. However, there was no sign of the holy man. The old governor declared that the holy man was sick and unable to meet anybody. After the drowning and rebirth by the god of Euphrates, he was still weak and frequently ill.
Month after month passed, when Alexander impatiently waited to see the man on the papyrus painting that he treasured with his heart, but the same excuses were always presented; how the holy man was frail and unwell. These arguments were discussed among the Generals and their King; it was obvious that the city was hiding the holy man from them. Some suggested that they would burn down the town, taking every soul along in its flames to search for one man, but of course, Alexander refused it.
Until one day, a Macedonian spy informed the King that some children of the city usually went to the small mountain behind the temple every afternoon.
The following day, the King followed them and found the holy man telling tales amongst the excited children. The strangest thing occurred. When he finally found the one that he had waited for so many months, he did not even dare to touch him. He feared that his hands would corrupt the perfect image, and that he would wake up to find himself alone again.
The image of smiling and laughing children,those innocent eyes shining with life and imagination while they were listening to the tales from the man who meant everything to Alexander.
Now, he remembered how beautiful Hephaistion was when he smiled. Alexander had forgotten when the last time was that his lover smiled for him that way. It used to be only the two of them together; him listening to his lover's voice as he read the Iliad for Alexander. How Hephaistion used to tell his dream of building the capital city, the center of civilization, a city full of Philosophy and schools for children, equality and peace; a beautiful place for him and Alexander to raise their children. They were so close to Hephaistion's dream but still being so far away before being able to reach them. Now, he was an inch from his Hephaistion but afraid to touch him.
Seeing Hephaistion again was like a dream. If he closed his eyes, he feared there would be only him lying alone in the bed. For God's sake, he almost lost his lover; his Phai almost died in that river. What had he done to their relationship? Their life together. How did he destroy the most important person in his life with his own hand? What should he do to correct his many mistakes, his pride, and gain Hephaistion back into his life?
Minutes passed by, the only thing he thought about was how much he would like to touch his lover's skin and hold him in his arms again. He prayed to all gods that if Hephaistion would come back to him this time, he would never let him go. He would never hurt his lover or betray his trust. He swore to love and cherish this man everyday for the rest of their lives.
Finally, Alexander revealed himself from his hiding place behind the huge rock. Walking toward Hephaistion and the children, he carefully read their reaction to his presence. Some children started crying just seeing the Greek King and some simply ran away. They heard stories of the cruel king who burned down towns, killing thousands of men in battles for glory and exploitation. However, Hephaistion didn't move, he looked at the approaching King and gave Alexander a sad smile.
"I knew one day you would find me, my King." Hephaistion was greeting him and signalled the children to go home.
Before Alexander uttered a word, tears had fallen from Hephaistion's eyes. Even though he still loved Alexander, he didn't want to go back to being the heartless man he used to be. What he wanted was to feel Alexander again, the passion, joy or even heartbreak. However, he no longer wanted to be strong and silent. He didn't want to be the General or the grand vizier if he had to lose Alexander's heart.
Now seeing the blonde man standing in front of him, he knew in his heart that all he needed was Alexander, but he didn't know whether Alexander still needed him. Certainly, he was no longer as strong as Alexander always expected him to be. Now, Hephaestion mostly felt himself distraught, a man who felt lost and maybe even pitied himself. Despite his body and soul had found some peace in this town, he was also very weak and fragile. Hephaistion was anxious to face Alexander and discover that the love of his life might not want him, seeing what he had become. If that was the case, he dreaded that he wouldn't be able to carry on living.
For as long as Hephaistion could remember, everything in his life or every path he chose, he always thought Alexander a part of that. But just now, in this small desolate town, he had learned how to live without Alexander, born with the reality that after all, Alexander didn't need him any longer. So he made the change for himself but also for Alexander. He had to let Alexander go and he had to build up strength and courage to do just that. Only, with Alexander standing in flesh and blood before him, he hadn't had enough time and he was not ready yet, he was not ready to meet his king, his heart, his love. His body felt physical pain realising how much he needed him despite he was not ready for this craving.
"What do you want from me, Alexander?" he asked softly, his voice betraying his emotions. "Don't you have everything you want? All those lands you conquered, the greatest army of the world and kingdoms aplenty no one ever achieved before you? Now, what else do you want? What do you need from me?"
Alexander didn't reply, his eyes saw how much it hurt his beloved friend to have to even address what he had done to him that made him leave him in the first place.
Lifting his hands to each side, Hephaestion gestured as his words belied his feelings, "I didn't take a single coin when I left. I need no glory or anything from you. Just leave me alone; this is all I ask from you Alexander. Go, go back to your empire, there is nothing here for you." Hephaistion had to tell him this, to force him to take a stand. He had to push Alexander away from him because he knew that he couldn't be the one who walked away from Alexander, the only way was to make Alexander leave him. Then he would know.
Alexander didn't move and so Hephaistion took a step towards him. "Please leave me alone Alexander, leave this town, this city, and leave me here." Hephaistion's voice was hoarse and his face was so pale from the agony and fear; Alexander sensed it all, it was plainly written in his eyes. His heart broke seeing how he had become the cause of his lover's pain. Alexander realized how terribly he had acted doing what he did to his beloved, making their love doomed. If he got a second chance, would he win Hephaistion's heart back or would he, Alexander, lose this battle? No, he couldn't lose now. Not if Hephaistion was the stake. He knew his friend, and he wanted him back no matter what it cost.
"No, I can't," Alexander said firmly.
Crest fallen, Hephaistion cried, "Why Alexander? What more do you want from me?" Hephaistion fell to the ground. He was so tired and hurt. He could not stand the discussion anymore. He despised his heart for wanting Alexander and hated himself for being unable to control his weakness. All these years, all this time, the feelings he had for Alexander never changed and he still loved him. Never once did he break their childhood promises that he would only belong to Alexander, because he never stopped loving the boy who had become a man and a great king.
Seeing Alexander again, told him what he missed while he was absent, and why he could not live his life without him, despite the man hurt him repeatedly. His heart told him to take whatever he could get from the blonde man and start over again, only his reasons kept him grounded. How much more pain could he take if he chose to follow his broken heart? Would he even survive it?
Again he implored his leach, "Please leave me alone Alexander, what else do you need from me?"
"My heart, Phai. You take my heart with you and I need it back, beloved. I need my heart and you back by my side. We were once one – now I'm only half a man with out you. Please give me another chance to prove my love for you." Alexander reached out to touch Hephaistion's cheek. When he touched him, he could not stop the yearning, pulled his general close, and embraced the trembling body he remembered with his heart.
"I love you Phai, I need you. You are the most precious one in my life. Please come back to me, Hephaisiton."
Hephaistion felt like all air oozed out of his lungs in relief, and he said, "I was so sure you didn't care for me anymore."
Hearing Hephaistion saying those words, made Alexander embrace him tighter. Once more, he regretted his harsh words to him. The suffering it had caused them. "Never, Phai. I never stopped loving you. It is not possible. You are the only one I need."
Embracing tighter still, their hearts were beating against one another. At some point, both of them had found what they were looking for in so many years. To Hephaistion, it was not important what happened in the past, all that mattered in his life was Alexander, and now he was here. His Alexander was here.
And for Alexander, he found the only one he was looking for, the only person he loved and could not live with out, his Hephaistion.
TBC