Two Days Later…..
Nick came home once again just as the sun was rising. Since Greg had been put on "leave" nightshift was short handed, and the team had basically been brought back together anyway. Both Grissom and Cath served as supervisors now, but it still didn't feel right, not without Greg there. But Greg hasn't been there in a long time.
He closed the door silently and locked it as he followed the constant sound of the television that was Greg's companion now. He found Greg wrapped in a blanket in front of the television as usual, and still wearing his headphones. Nick began to wonder if he ever took them off anymore.
He didn't want to disturb his sleeping lover, or used to be lover, he felt more like a roommate as of late. Sleep was something that did not come to Greg easily these days. Then Nick noticed the prescription bottle on the coffee table next to the coke can and knew it was another medication-induced sleep, but figured it was better than nothing. Nick knew he has an appointment this morning with his therapist, but didn't feel the need to disturb him yet. So he sat there and looked, stared, remembered, and grieved for his lost lover. He wondered what happened to the brilliant, confident, and outrageous, "I'm going to conquer to world" Greg he fell in love with. Now he was wrapped in a blanket, taken off of work due to something that had consumed him, and Nick couldn't begin to understand.
He looked at he dark lines around Greg's eyes, the sunken in cheeks. Greg had always been small in frame, but even Grissom had noticed the way his clothes hung on him now. No matter what Nick tried to do, he couldn't forcibly feed Greg, no matter how much he wanted to. He wanted to grab Greg by the arms, shake him and tell him to snap out of it, then he wanted to kiss him and ravish his body like he used to, like Greg used to love. No more. Greg didn't even like when Nick tried to touch him at night, so Greg had taken to sleeping on the couch. He pretended he couldn't sleep, but Nick knew, he just didn't want to be in the presence of another person.
The old CSI could see the change. Greg was so beyond ecstatic when Grissom finally let him into the field. Young, eager, full of confidence, willing to learn. Greg was the most brilliant DNA Tech the LVCL had even had, even at his young age. He had so much promise to be a CSI, a master's degree in Chemistry, a brilliant DNA technician, be had the whole package. Plus an intelligence no one could deny, even as much as Greg reminded them. But he slowly saw the downslide Greg was currently on, he remembers the beginning. With the child in the dumpster, then finding more children in the basement , being treated like animals. Nick tried to warn him there would be cases like that, but you cannot really prepare anyone for those kind of cases. And that's all they were cases. You must stay detached. Greg was not like that.
Back then he cared to his soul, and couldn't let go. Nick remembers so well laughing it up with Warrick in the break room, listening to Greg. But as soon as he got home, he looked at Greg, the unshed tears in his eyes. Nick just held on to Greg, guided him to the bed, and laid there with him. Let him cry it out. Nick understood the first child case was always the worse. Greg finally cried himself to sleep, clothes and everything. Nick gently took his shoes off, followed by his clothes. That night Greg woke up as if nothing has happened, and went right back at it. He still had to his proficiency to pass, he wasn't going to get silly emotions get in the way. That's when Nick noticed the changes start to take place.
So he moved on the to next case. And the next, with lightening speed, and little emotion, he could see the Greggo he knew slipping away, and he couldn't stop it. He will still talk to Nick every once in awhile, but the touching and emotion that make him Greg was slowing leaving him. No more hot fucking in the kitchen, or blow jobs in the shower, it was all business. 'Nick, I don't have time, I've gotta go in early.' Then always came the phone call, or a pass in the hallways, 'Gotta work a double, see ya sometime at home. I'll grab a bite to eat and don't wait up.' Nick knew what was happening. He'd seen it before to many a CSI, but he never imagined in would happen to his crazy, wild, fun loving, anything goes, G, and God how he missed him. He remembers the night it all changed for good. That damn burn case.
He wanted to deck the person, probably Grissom, who sent Greg to the hospital to get trace off the burn victim. No one realized she was still alive. The house was empty when I got home. Greg came in several hours later. It was the first morning I remember him not making his coffee, I knew something was wrong.
Greg stripped down and jumped in the shower without a word. I could tell the water was scalding hot by the steam rolling out from under the door. No sounds were heard, but Greg was red by the time he stepped out of the shower, making his scars stand out even more. He didn't say a work, didn't talk about how it felt to be back in a burn unit, knowing exactly what a victim was going through. The pain he must have felt, seeing the victim there, knowing it had once been him there. Yet, not a word, not a touch, not a tear he shed, he had shut himself off, and Greggo was gone after that.
Greg moved in his sleep, and murmured something about dirt, and ants, and please don't. Nick wanted to wake him, but let him to his restless sleep, at least it was sleep. He looked at the prescription bottles on the table next to Greg. Xanax, 1 mg up to three times a day or as needed, Lexapro, 20 mg twice a day, that wasn't including the pain mediation they had prescribed him for his constant headaches lately.
Whoever said things couldn't get any worse was a liar. That night some sick fuck decided to take his daughter's crimes out on him, was the night he felt their relationship start falling apart, and it killed him. He loved Greg with everything he had, but whatever was eating Greg's soul, took up residence that night and never left. He was cold, unfeeling towards Nick when he finally arrived home. Not that he didn't take care of Nick when he was home, he did a great job of changing his bandages, making sure he took his medication, cooking for him, as he could see Greg starting to become thinner and thinner.
After Nick went back to work, he could the the changes in Greg at work were much starker than they were at home. He knew is was bad when Sara pulled Nick aside and said she was worried about Greg, how he was working too much. How horrible he was starting to look. He became a robot. Grissom noticed to and sent him to mandatory counseling stating Nick's ordeal as the reasons. That's when the medications started. Greg withdrew more and more from everyone, including Nick. He didn't want human contact.
No more early morning breakfasts out laughing with the team. No more going out on they nights off. Greg would just sleep or watch TV instead of leaving the house. Then it happened. The outburst at work. It had started in Grissom's office. Grissom had called Greg in on a current case and his treatment of a witness. Greg had gone to far, everyone knew it, hell even Nick knew it, but Greg didn't. He was called into Grissom's office for reprimand, but what happened next surprised everyone. Greg started yelling back. Screaming back at his boss, drawing the attention of the entire Lab. All everyone knew was that it ended with Greg on mandatory 'personal leave' and the slamming of a door.
That was three weeks ago. Since then it's been a constant stream of sessions and medications and more doctors and therapists. It was killing Nick inside, he could feel Greg slipping away, but the harder he tried to hold on, the more Greg resisted. He had completely withdrawn in on himself.
Nick sat there again looking at his precious love, remembering. He remembered the guy who bragged about liquid latex and scuba diving. The brilliant mind that could play name that chemical compound against Grissom and win. The Tech who didn't know what the word self-conscious as he paraded up and down the halls of the Lab wearing a Show Girls Headdress. He remembered the man he flirted with although would never admit it to him. He loved watching Greg work, so focused, and so handsome. He remembers when Greg finally had the courage to ask him out because God knows Nick would never have. The way Greg gave his all to everything his work, his play, his life. The way he liked to be fucked from behind and could care less who heard him as he screamed Nick's name, or the way tears would fall as Nick would whisper 'I love you' as they laid in bed and caressed and kissed and made love all day. Or the Greg that would smear ice cream across Nick's jaw line just so he could lick it off.
Nick felt the warm drops of wetness hit his cheeks, and it wasn't until then that he realized we was even crying. He wanted to help Greg more than anything, but he didn't have a clue how, and the harder he tried, the more Greg pushed him away.
That thought was quickly pushed away as a sleepy eyed Greg awoke, and Nick quickly hid his tears and smiled his amazing smile as his boyfriend.
"Hey there sleeping beauty, I thought I was gonna have to kiss you to wake you up." He joked hoping to get a response. "How about I make us some coffee and a nice breakfast, does that sound good?"
"No thanks, I'm not hungry, and no time. I have yet another fucking doctor's appointment this morning." And with that he was gone, heading upstairs for the shower.
No 'Hey Nick, how was your night? No, thanks but I have someplace to be.' And Nick knew it was too much hoping for a kiss a touch, but he prayed, but no one was listening.
Nick went ahead and make some coffee and breakfast, hoping the familiar smells would entice Greg before leaving, but to no avail.
"I'm outta here, gotta go back to the head shrink." Greg remarked as he starting gathering up his stuff to leave.
"Are you sure you don't want a quick bite, your favorite, ham and cheese omelet. Plus your special blend of coffee." Nick tried to make it sound as appealing as possible.
"Look Nick, I said I wasn't hungry. I'll be back later, don't wait up, I have some errands to run afterward." And with that Greg was gone.
No 'See ya later Nick. No, 'I'll be home soon,' and definitely no goodbye kiss.
Nick took a few bites of his breakfast but quickly lost his appetite with thoughts of Greg running through his mind. He started going about his morning routine, which unfortunately with morning included laundry. He didn't understand why Greg couldn't do it since he was home all day, but he figured it best he not ask, and just do it himself. With coffee and in hand he went about his chores.
An hour later he was putting away all the clothes he had just pulled out of the dryer. He carefully hung up his shirts in the closet like always, then neatly folded Greg's t-shirts and put them in the closet. While in the bedroom he decided he might as well changed the sheets since he couldn't remember the last time he did, and that meant it was time to do it again. He stripped the bed and pulled out fresh sheets from the lines closet. He carefully made the bed, careful to tuck in the corners like he learned from an early age. That's when he felt the hard object stuffed in between the box spring and mattress.
"What the hell?" he muttered to himself as he started flipping through the hardback book, but it didn't have any writing on the cover or the back, or the inside for that matter.
He started flipping quickly through the pages getting ready to toss in onto the floor when he recognized the familiar scratches of Greg's handwriting. He started reading the first couple of lines to see what was so important Greg had to actually write down.
Dear Journal,
No that sounds stupid and clinical.
How about Dear whoever gives a shit,
No, that sounds 'angry and unattached'
Dear Diary,
God no, that sounds way to girly, and am may be lots of things, but girly no. Oh I got it,
Dear Fucking Journal,
There, now that's more me, that's Greg Sanders. Or what used to be Greg Sanders. I don't know who that is anymore.
Nick felt guilty at first for reading Greg's most private thoughts, but as he kept up, his heart started racing and tears started pouring down his face as the words starting leaping off the page.
Now I don't know who I am, I've seen the change, felt it down to my soul.
Depression they call it, I don't buy it. I call it death
I've already have it planned out . I wonder who will miss me. I know who would miss Lat Rat Greg.
I wonder if Nick will even miss me, or feel relieved that his burden is gone. He doesn't have the heart to break up with me now, not when I'm like this. I know he would miss Lab Rat Greg, that's who he fell in love with.
Too numb, don't want to be fixed. I can't go back. Like Papa Olaf said "One must lie in the bed one has made." I've made my bed. Now I have to lay in it.
I have my letter to Nick hidden, but I'll set it out for him. I know what I want to be buried in.
That's who'll they will miss, that's who they loved. Not CSI Sanders, I don't even know him, how can they miss him
I feel the weight of the bottle of pills in my pocket, I keep them with me.
I also don't want them to do an autopsy on me. I've seen the meat of a body, I'm more than that. I left that in the note also,
I just hope one day Nick will forgive me, but he'll be better off without this person. He deserves someone who he can touch again, laugh with, go out dancing again, make love to, fuck against the wall, and that person died a long time ago.
I died the day Nick lived, but I was too numb to know.
Nick couldn't comprehend what he was reading, he was beyond words, My God, he was reading a suicide letter, from Greg. Nick tried to talk, but found no voice. No, this wasn't happening, Greg wouldn't do this, wouldn't leave him, wouldn't give up.
Nick fell to his knees and let his body go, racking with sobs of pain, screams he didn't know he was holding in. Not for him, but his love, he wanted to die, and Nick didn't know how to save him. And Greg didn't want to be saved.