Title: "Lying in the Bed I Made" Part 3/4
Chapter 3: "Beauty in the Breakdown"
Pairing: Nick/Greg SLASH, Don't like Slash, then don't read it
Summary: Greg comes home and Nick has a few questions for him
Rating: M for language
Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine, no matter how many stars I wish him
Nick had been sitting there in there darkened living room, patiently waiting for Greg to come home. If he came home. For all Nick knew, Greg could have plowed himself into a tree, drove straight to the ocean, or done as he had planned and went somewhere and took the pills he had with him. When, if, Greg came home, Nick didn't know whether to kiss him senseless for seeing him again, and knocking some sense into him until he saw what he was doing to himself. It had been three hours and fifteen minutes since he had found the journal, and two hours and thirty-five minutes since he had been sitting there in the dark, staring at the door, waiting to here the key in the lock. Praying Greg would come home this time.
It had taken him forty minutes to pull himself together after finding the journal. Forty minutes of screaming, crying, and praying, praying for one more chance to see Greg's beautiful face, to tell him he loved him. To tell him he would do whatever Greg needed. But now, two hours and thirty-five minutes have passed since he got off the floor, and the lines of the journal were still playing in his head. Greg wanted to die, he wanted to leave him, didn't think he could be saved. Didn't want Nick's help. Thought of himself as a burden, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. Nick loved Greg more than life, Nick would have blown his head off long before they found him if it wasn't for Greg, and Greg just wanted to leave him. So for two hours and thirty-five minutes Nick sat there thinking, remembering, trying to reign in his anger, at himself, at life, and at Greg. But the longer Greg was gone, the more worried and more angrier he became.
After calling Greg's cell phone for at least the tenth time, he dialed a different number. It was about 12:30 in the afternoon now, but he knew what he had to do. He picked up the phone and dialed a different number.
"..ello" answered the sleepy voice on the other end.
"Hey, it's me. Something has come up and I won't be there tonight, possibly tomorrow night also." Nick's stern voice let the person on the other end something was seriously wrong. The voice became instantly aware.
"What's wrong Nick, are you OK, did something happen?" Catherine answered back, concern dripped from her voice.
"I'm fine, let's just say it's personal and I won't be there. I can't call Gris, Cath. I'm hoping you'll take this at face value, I cannot be there." Nick make it clear there was no other option.
"Nick, we really need you tonight, this case is blowing open and the Sheriff is all over both Gris and me over this."
"Fine, fire me." Nick stated clearly, no hesitation in his voice make Catherine more nervous than anything.
"Nicky, what's wrong, it is Greg, you're scaring me." Catherine was no concerned, and she could care less about the Sheriff as well at the moment.
"Cath, I can't answer that. You are now Greg's supervisor now, and I don't want this to be a Lab or personnel issue that could harm his career even more." Nick stated calmly. He couldn't tell Greg's boss just how far in the deep dark hole Greg had gotten himself into, it could put a permanent mark on his career, it he ever had one again.
"Nicky fuck the Lab. Fine, off the record, as Greg's and your friend, you're scaring me, what's wrong Nick." She wasn't going to let this go without an answer, she knew something was horribly wrong if Nick was willing to lose his job over this.
Nick let out a sigh, of anguish, frustration, as tears fell down his face again. "God Cath, it's worth than I thought, than any of us thought. I found something, and I'm not leaving Greg alone."
"What did you find." She asked forcibly.
"Cath, please, just take what I've told you and trust me. If you can't give me the time off, fine, then fire me. I have to be here for Greg. I couldn't call Griss, he wouldn't understand and I will not jeopardize Greg's chances of coming back to work."
"Of course Nicky, you do what you have to. I'll deal with Grissom, don't worry about it, you take care of Greg, and if you need anything…"
"Yeah, I know Catherine, thank you, but I have to be here. Thank you. I'll call you sometime. I have to fix this or nothing else will matter." And he didn't wait for an answer, he flipped his phone shut, worry still pumping through his veins. He had now been sitting here for two hours and forty-five minutes, in the dark, waiting, praying to hear the key.
Twenty minutes later, he had heard the sound he was waiting for. Greg had been gone for four hours and twenty-five minutes. Nick knew he wasn't at the doctor's that long, and he willed himself to stay calm and not confront Greg as soon as the door came open. All he wanted to do was throw his arms around Greg and kiss him senseless, or lock him in the bedroom and force him to listen to reason, but he wasn't sure he was capable of reason right now, he was too scared. He just wanted to protect Greg, but he couldn't do it alone.
"Hey G" Nick said quietly, as Greg slipped the door shut behind him.
"Fuck Nick, you scared the shit out of me. What the hell are you still doing up, and sitting here in the dark?" Greg asked as he wandered into their house, still holding onto his backpack. Nick wondered if that's where he kept them…….. his friends.
"Oh you know. Just had to clean, dishes, do some laundry. Just the basics, hanging clothes in the closest, changed he sheets on the bed. Just sitting here thinking." And with that he looked up at Greg to see if he would have to explain anymore. Greg just stood there not quite getting it yet. Nick just looked at him, waiting for the impending explosion.
"Oh, all right then. I'm going up to bed then." Greg said as he tried to escape before he had to answer any questions………. but it wasn't that easy.
"Wait Greg, where you been? You left four and half hours ago, I've called several time. I was worried about you." Nick asked, still keeping his voice under control. He wasn't mad, but he wasn't going to let this go ignored either.
"What, are you my mother now?" Greg shot back, but Nick wasn't surprised by the hostility in Greg's voice, he was used to it. "I said I had shit to do, I'm home now, so I'm going to bed." And once again Greg tried to escape.
"It's amazing what you can find when you clean Greggo. I mean, that lost white sock you're always looking for, that t-shirt I thought I lost, and some interesting reading." Nick held up the book he had been turning in his hands for the past three hours and five minutes now. He knew the feel of every inch of it now. The leather was warm under his touch now after holding onto it for so long.
Greg's head snapped back around at the words, and when he saw what Nick was holding him, he visibly paled. Then the anger Nick was expecting started to appear.
"What the fuck are you doing Nicky, spying on me now? Where the hell did you get that, that's mine, give it back to me now!" Greg demanded in no uncertain terms.
"No, you have two choices Greg," Nick said flatly, devoid of emotion, cause right now the only emotions he felt were anger and fear, and neither would get him anywhere right now. He knew he had to keep his cool, cause Greg would not. "You can either come in here and sit down and talk to me, or we can take this little book down to your therapist and talk there, cause I would bet damn sure she doesn't know about this.
"It's none of your fucking business, you had no fucking rite to read that! It's mine, my therapy. Give it back to me NOW!" Greg was screaming at Nick, which he had expected, but there was no way he was going to do that. He was not going to lose Greg.
"You know what Greg," Nick stood up now and stalked over to where Greg was standing, he could feel his grip on his control slipping. "It is my fucking business. You live here, with me! I love you damnit, and I am NOT about to sit by and let you fucking kill yourself and do nothing. What the hell are you thinking, how could you? I thought we had a life here, and you are willing to throw it all away, for what, cause it's easier?" Nick could hear his voice rise, knew he was stalking towards Greg as he spoke. But his anger was slowly taking over as Greg's lack of thought in what was actually written on the pages of the book …. As they became more and more obvious.
"Well Nick, it isn't your concern OK? It's my life, my fucking problem, now give me it back and get the fuck out of my way." Greg yelled back, and by that point Nick had had enough, and thought Greg needed a little reality check.
"Don't be so damn selfish Greg, it is my concern, it case you haven't noticed, I love you damnit. I haven't just been playing house the past two years. I wasn't just screwing around here, I thought we had a life. As you sit back and let it slip away, and I'm supposed to sit back and watch you destroy yourself, destroy everything you worked for. You know, if I just wanted a good fuck, I could have gone down the local club, but I thought we were building a life here. And now I read" as he shoved the book in Greg's face, "that you could care less, that you are just willing to give it all up cause it got hard. I laid in a fucking box for hours Greg, HOURS, but I wasn't gonna quit, cause I thought I mattered to you.!" His voice was way past the calm he was trying to maintain.
"Yeah, it meant so fucking much that when we found you , you had your fucking gun under your chin. Yeah, I could tell exactly how much I meant to you as you grabbed for Grissom. I meant so much to you, you were didn't even want me in the fucking ambulance. I meant so much fucking much to you, you pretended to be asleep when I came home so you wouldn't have to listen to the rookie whine about the death and inhumanity he saw every night, cause you didn't get it, you saw it too. Perfect Nick didn't want to hear about it, how weak I really was. You're right Nick, you're the strong one. I'm weak and if you'll admit it, you'll be happy when I'm gone." With that Greg tried to flee to the safety of his bedroom, but Nick grabbed his arm tightly and swiveled him back around to look in his face. And he couldn't help but notice the stunned look in Greg's eyes, but it was an emotion.
"Don't you dare tell me what I want, or how I feel. I am still here Greg! I'm not the one carrying a bottle of pills on me planning on killing myself , leaving you, and everyone else. Where are they Greg? Give me the fucking pills." Nick's eyes glazed over with anger, at Greg's bitter words.
"Get your fucking hands off of me Nick." And Greg pushed back against Nick's chest with a force that even caught Nick off guard, and he fell back a step and lost his grip on Greg.
Greg was hallway down the hall before Nick caught him again and dragged him into the bedroom and locked the door behind him.
"You will give my the God Damned Pills or I will take them myself. You are not leaving this room until I get them." Fury flashed in Nick's eyes at Greg. How could he? How could he care so little about their lives, about the past two years.
"What are you doing, admit it, you don't want me here either, let me get my stuff and go, I'll be out of your hair, and you can get back to your fucking perfect life without your mentally fucked up boyfriend."
"I said, give me the pills Greg, or God help me I'll take them myself." Nick's wrath apparent in his eyes.
"Fuck you Nick." And Greg tried to storm past Nick, but Nick would have none of it.
"Fine, we'll do it your way." Nick grabbed Greg by the arm, and literally drug him to the bathroom.
"Where are they Greg, huh, in here?" Nick started angrily going through the medicine cabinet, finding nothing but aspirin and band aids, and the usual anti-depressants. Tears started streaming down his face as he shoved bottles aside, threw things onto the floor.
"Nick, don't do this. It's my life. Greg begged………. actually begged.
"Where are they Greg?" Nick asked through gritted teeth, and then he realized he had gone about this all wrong, He remembered Greg's words. His friends, he could feel the weight of them on him at all times, his escape.
He grabbed Greg and threw him against the sink and started feeling Greg up and down. It wasn't hard, he used to be a cop, he knew how to find things.
"Get your God Damned hands off me Nick." Greg tried to fight back, but he was never any match against Nick's physical strength. He still fought back with all his might, he squirmed, kicked, swung his arms, until Nick pinned them behind his back like some fucking criminal.
Nick finally felt the small round bottle tucked into the side of Greg's jeans. He knew what it was before he even took it out.
"Fucking let me go. damnit Nick, how dare you. It's my fucking life, none of your damned business.
Nick wasn't even listening as he pulled the amber bottle out and let go of Greg. He saw them now, it was true, God, Greg didn't want to live. He had the evidence in his hand Just as Greg said, he knew just the right combination. Nick fought back the bile that was rising in his throat at feeling the weight of the pills in his own hand now. He forcefully let go of Greg and spun him so they were face to face.
"So, this is what is so damn important. How could you Greg, how COULD YOU? I fucking fought like hell to stay with you and you just want to give up." Nick half screamed, half cried, no longer even trying to hide the hurt in his voice, the tears in his eyes.
"You didn't fight to stay with me, you fought to stay with your precious Lab Rat. The guy you loved, the guy you moved in with, the guy you used to fuck up against that shower, you don't know me. Hell I don't know me, so how can you stand there and say you love me." Greg said, the fight leaving him. His words becoming weaker as he spoke, as his own tears started to fall.
"You're wrong, I did fight to stay with you, cause I love you damnit Greg, don't you fucking get that! I love you, Greg Sanders, Lab Rat, CSI , the guy who fought like hell to make his dreams come true and now you're gonna throw it all away, I am NOT gonna stand by and watch you fucking kill yourself. I've been sitting there watching you do this for too long now, no more." And with that, Nick opened the bottled, and dumped the contents into the toilet.
"NO, Damnit Nick. It's not your fucking place to decide….. it's my life. How dare you!" And more tears fell as he heard a flush. Not like it mattered, he always knew where to get more.
"That's where you are wrong Greg, don't you get it." Nick had calmed, the fight leaving him as well. "It is my life, you are my life. You have been my life since the day I realized I loved you. No matter how hard it got, or how you tried to pull away, I'm still here, and I love you no matter what."
"How can you, look at me. I'm a fucking failure. I can't even work now. I failed the people I tried to help, I failed you, I couldn't even fucking find you. I failed everything Nick, everything. I don't even know how to try again. Don't you get that. I don't know how to feel. It's easier not to feel. It's easier to just be numb."
"No Greg, no it's not. You have to fight for it, you do. You are still the same guy that danced in the Lab, the same guy that came back after being blown through the Lab, you are still the same guy that could outsmart us all without even breaking a sweat. You are still there Greg. You need help."
"I don't need help Nick, I need to stop being a burden. I can't live with me, how can you? Don't you want that, don't you want someone you can laugh with, go out with, work with, fuck with, make love too," and Greg started crying harder and harder as all the feelings and thoughts and fears he had been holding onto for months now started pouring out of him.
"Yes Greg, God yes." Nick stood next to the defeated Greg, almost holding him up as the tears were coming faster now. "But the only person I want them with is you. You Greg, I want a life with you, dance with, laugh with, kiss, hold, make love to, share my life, only you Greg, only you. Don't you get that?" Nick was practically begging for Greg to believe him.
Greg looked back up at Nick, with red puffy eyes, tear stained face, for all the world looking like a child. "How can you, look at me. I don't know what to do Nick, I don't know what to do." With those words the sobs started coming, and Nick could no longer hold Greg up. He held on as Greg slipped onto the floor, holding him tight. "I don't know what to do Nick." Nick could barely understand Greg through his ragged sobs. " I don't want to die Nick, God, I don't want to die, but God Nick, I forgot how to feel Nick, I forgot how to live. I don't know how to live Nick……… I don't know how to anymore."
Greg grabbed Nick's shirt and buried his head, soaking Nick's shirt and holding onto Nick with everything he had, because now his life did depended on it.
Nick tried talking through his tear heavy voice. "Then you lean on me Greg, you lean on me, and we'll do it together, you hold on to me. I'm not gonna let you go Greg, you hold onto me. I love you G, you just hold onto me…..." Nick's tears fell into Greg's hair, and Nick just held him tighter, vowing to never let go, as he felt Greg release his frustrations and cry out his fears, his pain, his innocence.
And they held on and cried together on the bathroom floor, cried for what they almost lost, for the love they had once shared, and hoped to find again. And Greg for the first time since a dark night in May, felt like he was alive.
A/N: Thank you to all who have reviewed, I really do appreciate each review and am still touched that people write what I read. In case anyone is interested, especialy
KarenleFayand thank you for the wonderful reviews you left on all of my fic here, I have other stories I do not have posted here that are of a NC17 nature,
and are on my Live Journal site, and if you wish for more info, feel free to email me at Thank you again to all.