Robin-

I never realized in all we've been through that I never knew your true name. But alas, that is not why I am writing. I feel I should explain, though I know none will replace the feelings I have created within you.

I need to tell you why I did what I did. Not that it will justify it. Not that I'll get peace of mind after doing so. But so you know. You have that right.

When I left the team, it was to be with my now husband, as you already know. I wanted a real family. One in which I never had the opportunity to experience. And I wanted to give it my whole attention. Not put it on the side so I could defend the city at any given time. I wanted to be the wife he deserved. Have the relationship we both deserved. Experience love. I felt it wouldn't be fair if I only gave both the team and him part of my concentration and effort. So I made a decision. One in which I think I made right. And perhaps the only one I made right.

Almost at once, we began to try for a baby. And the first year or so we thought it was just dumb luck that I didn't conceive. That is, until I finally became frustrated by it and made an appointment with a fertility specialist. After months of testing it was determined that the two of us together could not make a baby of our own. With my blood and his abnormal genes, it just wasn't going to happen. We tried everything. Invetro. Surrogacy. It just wouldn't happen.

It turns out that my body might not reject that of a normal human. So the doctor suggested a donor. I was ready to walk out the door right then and there to the sperm bank. But he didn't want that. He didn't want me carrying some baby from a man he knew nothing about. With us not knowing his genetic history. So I left him. I placed his ring where I was sure he'd see it and walked out the door.

He didn't understand how much I wanted a baby. How much I needed a baby. He didn't understand how inhuman I felt when I was told because of my demon blood, I could not carry his baby. That it would kill the fetus every time. I felt so dirty. Like I was diseased. And I was hopeless.

I drove around for a few days through the city. With no destination. No schedule. I had no intentions besides going to the sperm bank. I sat there in the parking lot for hours the first day. And then the second and third were the same. I couldn't do it. For the same reasons he didn't want me to. I wanted to know the father. I wanted to be able to look at him. Know I could trust him. To know he was a decent guy.

When I finally realized I couldn't go through with it, I cried for hours. Then it started to down pour. It made my mood worse. So I drove some more, finally drying my tears. And that's when I saw you. I knew right away that I'd accept a baby from you. You were perfect. And normal. But I didn't want to do that to you. I didn't want to use you like that. And I didn't want to tell you my shame.

At the same time, I couldn't see just driving by you when it was clearly not a night for a walk. And when you got in I thought as long as not much was said between us, then I'd drop you off and everything would be fine. Well, at least back to normal. And then that tension came again; the one that always lingered between us. So when you asked me to stay… between those feelings and my hunger to be a mother… I didn't object. It was wrong -on so many levels. Because I didn't return the feelings you felt. Because I knew I'd leave you in the morning. Because I knew you'd be crushed if you ever found out. Because I used you. And I never wanted any of that. I hated doing what I did the next morning. I cried the whole day. You were so perfect. I begged myself to love you. To just turn around and go back to you. That we could be the family I always wanted and envisioned. You. Me. My son. --Our son--

But I couldn't cheat myself out of something I wanted. I was selfish. I was and am in love with another man. And though I left him a few days prior, I believe somewhere in me I knew I'd return to him. My life had been void of one key element in which I think all humans need to survive. To love and be loved. And for years I had none of that. I knew you all loved me. And I loved you too. But I didn't have that family love. The love of a mother and a father. I didn't have a childhood. So I was selfish and wanted what I never had. I wanted to be loved by a man that loved me. I wanted to be able to truly love him and return it honestly. And I wanted a baby; my own child to love unconditionally. I wanted the father to be my husband. But since I couldn't have it that way, as wrong as it is, you were the next best thing. You gave me what no one else could. And forever I will be in your debt.

He is your son. His name is Nari. He was born November 17 almost three years ago on another rainy night. Much like the one we shared. When the rain started to come down, I knew I was being horrible. I had no intention to tell you. Ever. Never show you what we created together. He is such a perfect child, Robin. He's intelligent, adorable, lovable, stubborn and so determined it amazes me. He has everyone who knows him wrapped around his little fingers. And he's well loved and taken care of. You'd be proud of him.

Even as I sit here and write all this down, I see what I've done to you. I've used and manipulated your feelings towards me to my advantage. I've birthed a child created by the two of us with no intention of letting you in. And now, even after I've seen the damage my actions have caused, feel the hurt I put there, I am doing one more. I am asking you to stay away from us. Let me have my family. Let me have my son. My husband is a wonderful father. He knows all about you. I broke down after months of keeping it from him because I let my conscience win. But I don't want Nari confused. I want him to have the perfect childhood. I want to give him everything I didn't have. I want my son. And I won't let you take him from me.

If need be and you don't want this, we are prepared to leave Earth and possibly this dimension all together. I really don't want to have to do that. But I will. I need this. And you're the only one I need to agree.

I know what I'm doing is wrong. No amount of apologies can heal the wound that I created. And I just keep making it deeper. I make it sting a little more with every word. But I am sorry, Robin. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I am selfish and getting more so as my motherhood continues.

Please understand that this was entirely my fault. I don't expect anything from you. And I don't ever want you to forgive me for what I've done. I will get my child. But I lose the best friend I've ever had. I'm not sure if it's a good trade. I know it's not right. And I want you to hate me for it. I expect you to. I love that little boy so much it hurts sometimes. He'll always have a good life. Just know that you helped me create something 100 good and pure. And that he'll have everything. And most of all, he'll be loved.

Raven

-LC