Story Title: I'll Be Here
Author's Name: Kayryn
Series: season 1/2
Rating: K+ (?)
Category: drama, angst
Pairing or Focus: L/L
Warnings: main character death, lots of emotions
Summary: What would've happened had Adama died?
Spoilers: Spoilers for Last Gleaming 2, after which I take the characters to my own Alternative Universe.
Disclaimer: Ronald D. Moore's and Universal Studios'. Not mine. Never was, never will be.
Author's Note #1: That little story Lee tells about him and Zak is actually a true story about yours truly. Just a little trivia. ;)
Author's Note #2: Thank you to Sheri for helping me with this. We may not see eye to eye when it comes to pairings in BSG, but you were a great help. I owe ya big. Special thanks to CJ who gave me permission to off Adama. Thank you dear. :P
Captain Lee Adama was being escorted to Galactica's brig by Marines. His hands were secured in front of him but he was barely aware of it. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew he was in shock, but it was like his brain was stuck in what had happened in CIC just few short minutes ago.
Lee had been standing a few feet away when he saw his father being thrown back by the force of the bullets. As his father had lain across the planning table, Lee had been forced to watch by, unable to assist in the attempts to resuscitate him because no one would free his hands. All he's been able to do was to cradle his father's head and hope that what seemed inevitable, wouldn't happen.
"Someone get a doctor! Get Doc Cottle!" Lee had yelled. He'd watched as Colonel Tigh had compressed the wounds, trying to slow the flow of blood. Lee saw how Dualla was holding his father's hand and their eyes locked for a moment. From her expression he knew. He hadn't even realized he was crying. "Oh, Dad…"
Laura Roslin was slowly pacing the small cell she was imprisoned in. Imprisoned. It was still a lot to take in. When she'd made her decision and asked Lt. Thrace to go back to Caprica, she'd been almost certain something like this would happen. She recalled Apollo's words to the Colonel about how they couldn't sacrifice their democracy just because the President makes a bad decision. She wondered now, had she made the wrong decision. Her instincts, her gut, told her no, but her head was still questioning.
And now she hoped Commander Adama wouldn't send his son to the brig, but knew that would probably be too much to ask for as well. In the end both men were military and both knew the rules of the game. So when the door to the room where she was being held opened she wasn't very surprised. The first thing Laura Roslin paid notice to was someone offering their condolences. Her heart lurched as she turned to see Captain Apollo being escorted in and saw the crestfallen look on his face and then his bloody hands. She held on to the bars of their cells and waited until the Marine had stepped away from the cells before she spoke to Apollo. "Captain what have they done to you? What's going on?"
She was surprised at how collected she sounded.
"My father's been shot," Apollo answered, his tone defeated.
"What?" Roslin was stunned. Questions were swarming in her head. Where? Who? How bad was he hurt?
The emotion in that one word scared Lee. So far he'd been able to keep himself collected and he certainly didn't want to fall apart in front of a Marine guarding them. So ignoring the President's question for the moment, Lee raised his bound hands. "Someone get this frakin' thing off me, please?"
The guard's response was monotone, "I'm not authorized to do that."
"I'm behind the frakin' bars," Lee yelled, frustrated. He saw the President's entire focus was on him only, and he turned his back to her. He needed privacy, time to come to grips with the reality that the only family he had left, was now gone. He sat down on the bunk bed and stared at his hands. His father's blood.
Roslin, who stood close to the bars that separated her from the young man, had now somewhat composed herself. "Captain. How bad is your father?"
Lee swallowed before he raised his eyes to look at her. His face was stoic but his eyes were moist with unshed tears. She wanted to reach out to him, but even without the steel between them, she knew she couldn't. "He's… My father's dead, Madam President."
At those words another swirl of emotions, random thoughts and feelings flooded Laura Roslin. Hopelessness and sadness were foremost, anger and fear following close by. What would happen now that Tigh was in command? At least with Adama they'd had mutual respect for the other's position but Tigh's resentment of her could be fatal for them all. For a brief moment she saw the whole human race dying, one ship at a time.
Ever since the beginning Laura had thought that given enough time, she and the Commander might have developed a deeper friendship. But they were always either arguing or didn't have time. And so Commander Adama wasn't hers to grieve and she left it to his son, pushing the grave thoughts of his death from her mind. She made a silent vow to herself that somehow, in some way she would get them out of this. They would find Earth and she would lead her people to them.
"I gotta get out of here right now," she told him gravely.
"I'm right with you."
It took her a moment to comprehend what he'd said. At most she'd hoped for him to give a way to escape, not join her. By the time she was zigzagging across the Galactica with her escorts, her heart beating like a wild banshee, she felt tremendous gratitude for his help.
When they finally reached their destination, Apollo was already waiting along with Billy and Elosha. So relieved she was too see a friendly face she almost hugged him. She mentally thanked him for addressing her by her title and thus reminding her to appear as if escaping the brig of a battleship was something she did on a daily basis.
The real shock was Billy's decision not to come along. She was both surprised and disappointed, maybe even a little hurt but she knew she wouldn't hold it against him. They each had to make tough decisions, but they had to make them alone. They were the ones who had to live with them. She couldn't fault him for that.
It was only a couple minutes later when she listened as Lee got them permission for their 'medical mission' and they were off. Sitting right behind the young man she heard as Colonel Tigh threatened Apollo. They all knew the Colonel wouldn't shoot the raptor down. He wouldn't have the guts as long as Adama's son was aboard. They would surely face the consequences of their actions later, but for now, no one would be able to stop them.
"You do what you have to do, Galactica. Apollo out," Lee said with a firm voice.
Roslin looked at him in wonder. What had she done to deserve his faith in her? He was not a big believer, she knew. Even under their extraordinary circumstances where his skills would be in great demand he would most likely be court-martialed. So why? But then there was no time to wonder about Lee's motives as Tigh surprised them by ordering the pilots to shoot at them. Laura hung on to the co-pilot's seat as the raptor shook first under fire and then by Lee's maneuvering to get them away from the attack.
They managed to reach Cloud Nine, but unfortunately the raptor had sustained heavy damage. Roslin cursed Tigh, more pissed off than anything that he'd actually ordered the pilots to shoot at them. While she fumed, Lee seemed to take it in a rather nonchalant way as if he knew that would happen. In his mind Tigh was angry because he saw Lee dishonoring Adama by taking sides 'with that woman'.
It was much later when Laura Roslin stretched out on the cot she had been given. They'd finally found themselves on board the Astral Queen and she still didn't know exactly how she felt about having to seek help from her nemesis. Lee had told her she might not like where they were heading but did it have to be Zarek? Then again she wasn't in a position to complain. She had more people behind her now than she had the right to expect.
She glanced at the cot next to hers and saw Lee Adama. From the looks of it he wasn't asleep either. They desperately needed to rest to gather more strength, but the stress of everything that had happened was weighing heavily on them both. She had meant to talk to him, but things kept spinning out of control and before she even realized it, she'd been blessing former prisoners, plotting ways to gather supporters and in the end just trying to keep standing.
At some point she must have fallen asleep, because she woke up to Lee trashing around, repeating something intelligible feverishly. After hesitating at first, she got up and sat down on his cot. Listening closely she could make out the words he was saying, "Headshot, reload, headshot, reload."
Placing a hand on his shoulder she shook him gently, trying to rouse him. His eyes opened wide, but he still seemed to be trapped in whatever nightmare he'd been plagued by. Unconsciously her hand came up to his cheek, calming him. "It's okay. It was only a nightmare, Lee."
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Now seeming more aware of his surroundings, Lee locked eyes with her. The images of Cylons coming after him were fading, replaced by the calming image of Laura.
"You were talking in your sleep. Something about 'headshot, reload'," she said, avoiding his question.
"Oh," Lee sighed. "I was dreaming about the Cylons boarding the Galactica. That's what… what I told the others to do." He sat up and only when her hand fell from his cheek did he became aware of where it had rested. To his surprise, he missed the connection.
"If you want to talk about it…" Laura drifted off for a moment, wondering what to say next. "We haven't talked about much anything since you broke me out. It's been so… chaotic. I mean I haven't even asked how you're holding up what happened to your father."
"You don't need to worry about that. I'm handling it."
"I'm sure that you are. But if you want someone to talk with… or someone to just talk to, I'm here," Laura offered.
Lee just stared ahead of him, not saying another word. She took that as a no, at least for the time being. Accepting that he wasn't ready or willing to talk she moved over to her own cot. She sat for a while, lost in her own thoughts. After some time she was about to lie down again when his voice broke the silence.
"There was so much blood."
Laura turned to face him. He now sat on the edge of his cot, facing hers. He was holding his head in his hands as he leaned forward. Mimicking his position she waited for him to continue.
"When Zak died I wanted my father to pay," Lee said in a quiet voice. So quiet that Laura had to lean in even closer to hear him. "I blamed him for his death. For the things he expected from both of us. Zak was never cut out to be a pilot. But he was so afraid to let our father down. And when he died I hated Dad so much. Even after the Cylon attack, I couldn't let it go."
He looked up at her, his arms falling in front of him, his elbows resting on his knees.
She nodded, encouraging him to continue.
"And finally when it seemed like we could put it past us… Even with everything else that happened, I just knew we were still gonna be okay. He's my Dad."
Laura saw the door behind Lee opening and cursed whoever it was for their bad timing. When she saw it was Elosha, she felt slightly ashamed, but still shook her head ever so little and offered a small smile when the woman backed off. Returning her full attention to the man in front of her she realized he was so lost in his own thoughts and memories, he hadn't even noticed the near interruption. She also saw his hands were shaking. Covering his hands with her own, she squeezed them gently, silently offering her support.
"He's dead. He's just gone. He was the only relative I had left. I know that after the attack we were lucky to have each other when so many others had lost everyone they knew. And I still have Kara… I mean she's not flesh and blood, but she's like a sister to me nonetheless. And it makes me feel so selfish for feeling this way…"
"No," Laura interrupted him, speaking for the first time since he'd started to talk. "You have no reason to feel that way, Lee. No matter what anyone else has lost, that doesn't take away your right to mourn for your own loss."
He didn't say a thing for the longest time after that, just stared at their hands, still entwined. When he finally spoke, he suggested they get some more rest before the morning.
Slowly, almost reluctantly, Laura withdrew her hands and settled down.
As she watched him staring at the ceiling she said, "Lee? Thank you. For trusting me with your feelings, your thoughts. I'm here whenever you want to talk. Or even if you don't. If you need someone to just sit with, to stare the stars with… to breathe with. I'm here."
Turning his head, Lee looked at her for a long moment before nodding.
When a few hours later Elosha came back, this time to invite them for a breakfast, Laura still hadn't fallen back asleep.
The next night they found themselves on Kobol. They were well aware of Tigh's troops being after them, but so far they'd managed to avoid them. For that Laura was grateful. But she was wet, dirty, exhausted and what surprised her, even a little hungry. Now their small group was gathered around a small fire, warming up. Unfortunately they'd paid a high price for getting so far. Elosha's absence was conspicuous to everyone, but especially Laura. Another person missing was Lee. He'd declined the offer to sit with them, opting for a more secluded spot. Conversation amongst their small group was almost nonexistent but Laura still couldn't help but feel like she needed more space from the others. She was too tired to put on a front, too tired to pretend she wasn't affected by what was happening.
Escaping to sit under the makeshift tent they'd raised for her, she cradled the Book of Pythia. Reading and studying the pages of the book did nothing to calm her down so she soon placed it carefully on the ground next to her. Sleep would elude her tonight as well, she was sure of that. She knew she was on the right path and more than ever she believed this was what she was fated to do, but the price was higher than she had anticipated and it was gnawing her.
Her thoughts of remorse were interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming her way. A moment later she saw the man responsible for the noise. Lee crouched under the tent and sat down next to her. She suddenly wondered when they'd crossed the line where they no longer asked for permission to sit next to the other. Then again, they were on first name basis now, anything else would seem ridiculous. And when had that happened?
"Hungry?" Lee asked, offering her a piece of dried meat.
She accepted it with a smile and a thank you.
"You know Laura, I was just thinking. It's a lovely weather we've been blessed with," he offered. "But at least we're hungry, tired and have hunters on our asses."
She had to laugh at that. Lame as the joke was and as dire as their situation was, it was just what she needed to hear. There was also something else she'd needed to hear.
"Hmmm… It's nice to hear you saying my name. Before you started saying it, I'd almost forgotten."
Lee looked slightly mortified, "I'm sorry, I didn't even realize-"
"No, no… Like I said, it's nice," she assured him and smiled as he seemed to accept it.
They sat for a while in silence, content in listening to the sound of nature around them.
"When I was two and Zak was four, I think, when we were visiting our mom's cousin," Lee said. "It was raining a lot that summer. While the grownups were busy elsewhere, Zak and I sneaked outside. We took off all our clothes and ran around the yard, butt naked. Took mom and dad a good while to catch us and make us come in."
Again Laura laughed as she imagined Lee as a small boy, running away from his parents, most likely squealing with delight. When she saw his face, though, she sobered up quickly.
"It's my fault," Lee's words were colored with anguish.
Knowing at once what he was referring to, Laura grasped his chin and turned his face so he had to look at her, but he couldn't hold the gaze and found a spot on her coat to stare at instead.
"No, it's not," she said firmly. "Look at me, Lee." She waited for him to raise his eyes to hers again. "It's not your fault. I forbid you to let yourself believe that. You have to think about it logically."
That earned her a sarcastic snort.
"No, Lee. Think. The facts are that your hands were tied," Laura tried to reason with him. "From what I've gathered you were quite far away from your father and from Sharon. And she managed to hit an artery. Even if your hands hadn't been tied and even if you had stood closer, you still wouldn't have been able to do anything."
"So what? Doesn't that just make it my fault?" Lee's asked, knowing the answer even as he challenged her. "Had I not gotten myself arrested I wouldn't have had my hands tied and just maybe then I could've done something."
Unable to stay still Lee rose and stepped into the rain. He stared ahead for a while before turning back to face her. "Or maybe it's your fault! You're why I got arrested. I stood up against my superior officers and my orders for you!"
"I thought you said you didn't do it for me," Laura said, trying to swallow the hurt caused by his angry words.
"Well… I lied."
The silence that fell between them continued for a long time and at some point he returned to sit next to her.
Laura struggled with what he'd just said and what it meant for her, for him and for the mission. The question that had plagued her since he'd draw a gun and held it against Tigh's head was finally answered. Somewhere in her mind she recognized a random thought of how she now couldn't even expect an apology from him for placing blame on her for his father's death. It all paled with what he'd said.
"I didn't mean what I said," Lee said. When Laura didn't respond he shifted his position so he could see her face. What he saw scared him, she looked so lost and guilt ridden. "Laura? I… I meant what I said about doing it for you. But I don't blame you for his death and I'm sorry I even suggested that. I was lashing out and that was wrong of me. I'm sorry."
He was rewarded with her locking eyes with him, but they reflected uncertainty that he was now desperate to chase away. He brushed back a lock of damp hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. In a gentle voice he assured her, "Please trust me with what I'm saying. Even with everything that has happened, and no matter what's ahead of us, I wouldn't choose anything differently."
Unsure as to what to think, much less respond, Laura kept silent. She could accept his words being said in anger, in fact she already had. But there was the other meaning to those words he'd said. It was quite powerful what two little words could do to you. I lied. Meaning he did do it for her. And now he was saying he would do it all over again. It warmed her heart but it also raised a multitude of questions and thoughts. Things she wasn't sure she would ever be ready to answer. Even if she had time, which she most likely didn't.
When Laura didn't react to his words one way or another, Lee decided to leave it for now, letting her come to terms with what he'd said in her own time. He knew she would talk about it when she felt ready. Slightly hesitant if he was taking too many liberties, Lee wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to him. At first he could feel her tensing, but after a few moments she relaxed against him.
The rain was starting to let up and Lee could see some stars in the sky between breaks in the clouds. Satisfied that he hadn't driven her away, he held her tighter against him with one arm while pointing to the stars with another.
"Does your offer still stand?" He asked.
Glancing at him, confused, Laura asked as to what offer he's referring to.
"You said, 'if you need someone to just sit with, to stare the stars with, to breathe with. I'm here,'" he reminded her.
She smiled, "Yes. The offer still stands."
"Good."
They settled to look at the stars, neither one feeling the need to say anything further. The future was very uncertain in so many ways for them both. For each it was important, if not vital, to enjoy what every moment has to offer for them. Time would tell the rest.
The End