Chapter 5- He Knew The Risks

Gibbs gave himself a moment. He hoped that his words would be enough, that they would make Tony fight. He needed him to fight. The fear bubbled fully to the surface as he remembered the look in Tony's eyes. The brief glance he'd given him before he looked away. He wanted to deny it but he couldn't. He had seen it before, seen strong men, men that he thought nothing could faze, with that look. The look that told him something had reached their souls; had penetrated to the very core of their being. The haunted presence just behind the eyes was the look of a man standing on the edge of sanity, holding only the most tenuous of bonds with reality.

Dinozzo had had that look.

It was the reason he had not realised that there was more to Tony's pale complexion and lack of animation, the reason he had left him in the car. He had seen it, had known at least part of what it meant, but he did not want to believe it. Believing it would mean acknowledging the weakness, the human frailty in even the best of men. Believing it would mean acknowledging the possibility that it could happen to anyone; could happen to him. Believing it would mean acknowledging his own accountability for this whole sorry mess. Walking away was easier; denial was easier. Maybe when he returned the old Tony would be back and he could chew him out for not following procedure. Maybe?

So he had walked away, left him to bleed, cost precious time that could be vital. Why?

He knew why. He had come too close to losing an agent, too close to losing Dinozzo, too damn close.

He still might.

The thought dragged him uncomfortably back to the present. He turned to see Kate and Ducky watching him. Something in their expressions clicked a switch in his brain. His own vulnerabilities uncomfortably close to the surface. He scanned the room again; suddenly it felt small, oppressive. The introspection was costing him. He was a man who liked to be in control, a man of action. In the last twenty-four hours he had done damn little that was of any use, and he was certainly not in control.

He needed to get away from here, needed to do something, anything except wait. He strode over to the door

"Kate, stay here and keep us updated on Tony's progress." Gibbs paused to address her.

Kate was still learning to keep up with the rapid switches in Gibbs persona. She was slightly taken aback. "You're leaving?" she asked, a slight incredulous edge creeping into her tone. She'd thought they were clear about why they had come here. Tony's condition was still critical. Why would Gibbs leave now, before they were sure? She searched his expression for an answer, but found nothing but the impassive mask that Gibbs was so good at it was almost an art.

"Yes, Agent Todd, there's still plenty of work to do before we can wrap this up, and I'm sure that Ducky would appreciate the chance to get on with it so that he can get home before midnight." He turned to Ducky for confirmation.

Ducky hesitated, but he had known Gibbs for too long for the blank expression to work. He read the tenseness in the muscles, the veins that stood out ever so slightly on his neck, the clouds that drifted deep within his eyes. Gibbs needed a release; a safety vent and he would not find it pacing the hallways of the hospital. He really wanted to stay, wanted to wait for the news on his young colleague, and he knew that deep down that was what Gibbs wanted, but he knew equally that Gibbs couldn't do it.

"Yes, of course Jethro you're right," he agreed, turning to look at Kate, he kept his own expression completely open. He took her hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze, as he contemplated the vulnerability of the young, and to him everyone seemed young these days. "You'll be sure to let us know when young Anthony comes out of surgery?"

Kate recovered her composure quickly, nodding. "Of course I will."

"Good, then we'll. . ." He turned to look for Gibbs but he was already halfway down the corridor.

"You coming Ducky," Gibbs shouted over his shoulder, not seeming to care one way or another on his single-minded path towards the exit.

Ducky gave Kate's hand one more reassuring squeeze. "He's young and strong, that counts in his favour," he stated reassuringly. He tried hard not to call to mind the number of corpses he'd examined over the years for whom that description applied. He looked to Gibbs retreating form. "I'd better go."

Kate watched as first Gibbs and then Ducky disappeared from view and she was alone. There were lots of people around; the ER was bustling. Another trauma patient crashed through the doors to her left with a whole army of medical personal fighting to retain life, but she was alone.

NCISNCIS

The journey had been remarkably quiet. Ducky had spoken at length on the attributes of the various artefacts that had been recovered, cataloguing the history of the ancient peoples of the Middle East who had produced them. The rambling had given a familiarity that was comfortable rather than irritating, and Gibbs mind had bathed in the reassuring pools of sound, allowing them to wash away some of the tension.

The shrill tones of Gibbs' Cell phone finally cut through Ducky's rendering of a tale about King Gilgamesh of Mesopotamia, and his quest to find cedar wood for his city. The two men momentarily froze; Ducky took a moment to make eye contact before turning his attention back to the road. The moment was enough; this could be Kate, with news about Tony.

"Gibbs," he answered abruptly, his expression turning from apprehensive to thunderous anger as he listened to the reply. "No," he stated, bringing the edge of the phone down with a mighty smack on the dashboard. He raised it up. "I. ." another mighty crack as his arm came down full force. "Do. . ." another strike. The remainder of the sentence was punctuated with a raising and smashing of the hapless cell phone after each word. "not. ." thump, "own. ." thump, "a. . ." thump, "Volkswagon . .." thump, "Beetle. . ."

The silence that followed seemed complete although there must have been traffic noise around them, the hum from their own engine, surface noise from the road, neither man heard it.

Gibbs stared at the mangled piece of metal and plastic that he held in his hand, the victim of more than twenty-four hours of frustration and pent up emotion. The silence stretched.

"Feel better now?" Ducky finally asked.

Gibbs ignored the question. "Guess I'll have to ask Abby for a new phone."

Ducky wasn't going to let him off that easy. "It's not your fault you know?"

Gibbs turned to look at him. "You going to tell me he knew the risks?" He asked pointedly.

"He did." Ducky pointed out reasonably.

"He didn't know we'd chained him to a psychopath who got his kicks slicing people's throats open."

"Neither did you." He paused. "If you'd known you wouldn't have let him take the risk."

Gibbs sigh was long. He knew that Ducky was right. He'd been giving orders for long enough to know that you had to act on the information was available at the time, and you couldn't blame yourself if that information was wrong, there lay the path to self-destruction. Normally he could rationalise all of this himself, a standard debrief was all that he needed, but there was something about his current team, something about Dinozzo, that gave an extra dimension to their working relationship. It was more than just superior and subordinate. Tony was somehow more important to him than just another man under his command. He wasn't sure why the younger agent got to him on such a deep level but he did, the protective instinct was little short of paternal.

"I know." He stated quietly. This wasn't an admission he'd make in front of anyone other than Ducky. "It's just, if he dies. . ." He allowed the thought to hang.