Ok second to last chapter, unless vetoed by the people! Remember, this is a democracy!
Disclaimer: don't own

Chapter 4: I'm not Ok

She did not make it. She could not pull through. She was not strong enough. I was not strong enough. We were not strong enough… Sandy thought to himself as he watched from a distance his wife, lying limp on the table as they tried to bring her back. He could not stand still but he could not move. In his head he was spinning around and around and around- everything was moving. He was nauseas, delirious; he had to have been hallucinating. Why was this still happening? This could not be real- it was an ongoing nightmare that would not let him out. He felt like the entire world was laughing at him right now. How had he believed that he could be with her? The beautiful Californian goddess that was his wife. Emphasis on the was. Past tense. She was probably gone now. Speaking of which, the doctor trudged toward Sandy, a tired and weary looking man with his hands on his hips and his facemask pulled down, revealing his four o'clock shadow. Sandy knew that by the look of defeat and desperation that what he was going to tell them would not be good.
"I'm sorry sir. We lost her. There's nothing else we could do to stop it." he said, trying to be sincere but could not keep his eyes off of his feet. Sandy could not focus on the words spoken to him. He stretched down his hand at his side, as if grabbing something, but came up with air. He was utterly confused right now.
"What- what- what do you mean…. you lost her?" Sandy said, trying to shield himself from the inevitable truth.

"Your wife… you see… she's dead." Sandy found his focus on the man, looking straight into his eyes, and bit his lip saying nothing for a moment, as he tried to hold back his tears.

"I'm so sorry." The doctor said, placing a hand on Sandy's shoulder for a moment, and then walked away- obviously not very moved by the death of this random everyday patient. "Can I- have- a minute?" Sandy said, mustering up enough breath to conjure that one statement.
"Sure." the doctor said with a nod and a smile, and then he turned around and continued walking. Sandy walked over to the limp and breathless body that was five minutes ago his wife. For one of the few times in his life, Sandy was completely speechless, and thoughtless. Even about his wife. He didn't understand what was going on anymore. He wasn't sure if this was real or not real, and the only one who could explain it to him was Kirsten, and she was gone. God this was so confusing.
He started to hear that music- their wedding music- how perfectly he could remember the first time they danced to it at their wedding. He searched through his pocket briskly, and found the plastic zip-lock bag containing his wife's wedding ring. He took it out, and slowly placed it on the third finger of her left hand, where she had always worn it. He stroked her hand, like it was second nature, and the music swelled in his head.

"Cus' I love you, just the way you look tonight." She had looked very beautiful that night, and he remembered it like it was yesterday.
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"The rings please." the minister said.
"With this ring, I thee wed." Sandy said on that special day 20 years ago. He looked into the eyes of his beautiful bride, smiling through her tears as he held her hand and slowly slid the ring onto her delicate manicured finger.

"With this ring, I thee wed." Kirsten said, barely able to get the words out as she tried to fight back her tears with a gentle laughter, but Sandy knew it was the most sure statement she would ever make. She smiled up at him, andfinally the minister announced them as husband and wife. he could kiss her. He lifted her veil, and delicately cupped her face and kissed her softly and romantically.
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"And now it's time for the ceremonial first dance for the bride and groom! Ladies and gentlemen, the new Mr. and Mrs. Sanford Cohen!" the crowd applauded, and the music to - began. Sandy held out his hand to his beloved bride, his Kirsten.
"Do you want to dance?" he said, flashing her his toothiest smile.
"Always." She replied. He led her out onto the dance floor, and pulled her close to him as they began to dance.

"Kirsten I love you- as long as we're together- I want you to know I'll take care of you, and love you, and be there for you. I promise." Sandy whispered to her so that only she could hear. She melted at the sound of his voice and replied.
"I love you too. I promise."
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Sandy didn't know whether to be mad at her for not keeping her promise of being there, or to be mad at himself for not protecting her. He couldn't bear to be selfish. She was never selfish. He couldn't bear to forgive himself. Death was unforgiving. He was completely numb. But for now, he put the ring on her finger, like it belonged. God, she had loved those rings. She was so proud to wear them, and she could be wearing and Eskimo suit in Newport's 80-degree weather, but without her wedding rings, she somehow felt naked- but it was not the material aspect of the ring that she was so attached to. She could be deader than dirt, but she would still be his Kirsten.

Seth still sat out in the hall, Ryan next to him. Not talking, not thinking, and not wondering. Both knew that she was officially gone. Their intuition could tell any sane person that. They just sat and waited for Sandy to come out.
"She's gone." Sandy whispered, staring at the floor- completely expressionless.

"What now?" Seth looked up at his father, desperate, with tears in his eyes.
"I don't know." Sandy mumbled, accepting his defeat.

"I just don't know."
"What are we going to do dad? Without her? I-I- I just can't do it. I don't want to." Seth started to ramble.
"I don't want to either." Sandy whispered, not speaking directly to the boys. Ryan still had not said anything. He stared straight ahead.

"You guys should get started on the eulogies. Please. We'll have the funeral later this week. You guys should get home and get some sleep. Call Summer, she'll come pick you up." Sandy said, trying to be strong- but his voice was obviously somewhere else.

He remembered her perfectly, her smile, the sound of her voice, her scent, her kiss her touch, the feel of her hands on his skin. He could feel every curve of her body, but it just made him more depressed. It still hadn't hit him that she wouldn't be there when they woke up in the morning. He would be alone for the rest of his life. Life sure would suck now.
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The people had gathered at the glass chapel where her father's wedding to Julie Cooper had taken place. It was a sunny Tuesday morning, and the quiet crowd of mourners dressed in black had driven up in a parade of their expensive cars. Sandy Seth and Ryan got out, and dressed in their suits, sat down at the front of the church, with their eyes focused on the casket that was brought forward by the pallbearers. Seth looked up at the sky, trying to fight the tears that were coming. Ryan put a supportive hand on his shoulder, but looked down, trying to suppress his own tears. Sandy's eyes stayed focused on the casket, as he twisted his wedding ring. "

"My sister, Kirsten was a beautiful person. I remember as a kid I absolutely adored her. I saw her as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Not much has changed. She meant so much to me, to her family, to everyone she knew. Rest in peace, big sis. I love you Kiks- but you seemed to know that before I did. Now that you're gone, look out for me. I need you." Hailey spoke calmly, and adoringly about her sister, but by the end she could feel the guilt surging on, and she fought back her tears best she could.

"I remember when Kirsten and Sandy first took me in. She hated me at first. She was trying to protect Seth, but it was her who finally let me into her house, into her family. She's the mother I never really had, she always will be. I have chances in life, and I never would have had them without Kirsten." Ryan said, showing his gratitude for his real mother.

"Kiki was a hard worker, a wonderful girl as a child, and she grew up into a beautiful woman. She married a good man, and became a wonderful mother who supported and loved her family. She's my little girl, and I miss her, I will miss her. I love her so much." Caleb had actually shed tears by the end of his short speech.

"My mom was the worst cook in the world. She couldn't use a remote to save her life. Don't even get me started on how it drove me crazy that she and my dad would make out in the kitchen or how bad she was at play station and how horribly she used to try to sing along to Death Cab. However, she loved me. And she cared, and she was there for me when no one else was. She's the best mother any kid could want. I just wish I would have appreciated it a little more when I still had her. If I could say one last thing to her" his voice slowed down, and he became more solemn,"I would just tell her that I love her because I'm still her son, and nothing else matters." Seth choked a little, a glaze of tears forming in his eyes. He smiled, trying to fight back the tears and shook his head, looking up at the sky. "We need you here mom. You're not really gone. Dad and Ryan and me are going to be ok. We found the takeout menus and we will eventually figure out how to do laundry. But we're gonna be ok. You're still with us- even if not physically, your love lives on. Your love for life, and Newport and your friends and Grandpa and Hailey, and Ryan, your love for having "family time", your love for dad- no matter how gross, it's still precious. And you're love for me, your little boy, Seth." Seth wiped away a tear from his face, took a deep breath and continued on with the speech. "I love you too mom."

"I met Kirsten in Berkeley, and she was the one person who could make me not talk. I was too busy being captivated by her. Not much has changed over the past twenty years. I love her more than anything, more than words. She's given me more than anyone else, a home and a family, a wonderful marriage full of love and passion and respect. We were perfect for each other, we still are. A lot of people doubted us at first, but I think we proved them wrong. She's the love of my life, and I will never be able to love another person the same way. I don't want to."

Finally, Sandy walked over to the casket. He put his hand on the shiny, smooth wood, stroking the case that held the love of his wife. He kissed his fingers and placed them on the wood again, their final kiss. Nothing was ok right now. He was not ok right now. That's what he was screaming in his head, "I'm not ok!" Suddenly, to Sandy everything was blurry; he felt like he was spinning, and then everything went dark.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ok just one more chapter so hang in there! Please review... tell me what you want to see in the next chapter even tho i already wrote itt (almost there)! theres time to add in a thing or two tho!